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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my dd from seeing her bf

376 replies

lanatolater · 08/05/2021 21:51

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 10/05/2021 15:20

If your DD does have BPD (caution: they are often hesitant to diagnose during adolescence) then you can get advice on specific techniques for managing BPD behaviour, so perhaps worth investigating?

BPD/EUPD cannot be diagnosed in under 18 year olds.

boomwhacker · 10/05/2021 23:05

you have a teenager who is so visibly traumatised by emotional stimulus it can sometimes feel kinder and safer to, for example, let the bf stay over

So you let your 14 year old's violent boyfriend stay over night and have sex with your daughter because you considered it kinder and safer? Seriously? Nonsense. You took the path of least resistance OP.

Wondergirl100 · 10/05/2021 23:08

Some really judgemental and frankly naive posts on here. The Op has a daughter who is already being defiant and ignoring wise advice - she can't just 'tell her to stay in'. People saying that have well behaved children and boundaried relationships.

This is a girl displaying risky behaviour - she is nearly 15 and has already stopped regular school attendance. The OP knows that she might put her daughter at more risk by being very strict but people come wading in saying 'just tell her what to do' - I am certain the people saying this have already got well behaved children.

Wondergirl100 · 10/05/2021 23:12

Totally agree OP it's very annoying when people say 'wow my 14 year old is nothing like this and has never behaved like this' - how on earth is that helpful to the OP?

This is a young person with mental health concerns and behaving in a risky way - I was a pretty badly behaved teen myself and can assure you that once you are at that point your mum telling you 'just behave and hang out with nice girls' is laughable.

Smug judgemental posters pointing out that their children are completely different to this teenager - how do you think you are helping? The OP is dealing with an individual young person.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/05/2021 23:18

“Wondergirl100
I was a pretty badly behaved teen myself and can assure you that once you are at that point your mum telling you 'just behave and hang out with nice girls' is laughable.”

Would you be able to say what helped you?

Ollinisca · 11/05/2021 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 05:47

@boomwhacker

you have a teenager who is so visibly traumatised by emotional stimulus it can sometimes feel kinder and safer to, for example, let the bf stay over

So you let your 14 year old's violent boyfriend stay over night and have sex with your daughter because you considered it kinder and safer? Seriously? Nonsense. You took the path of least resistance OP.

No, I wanted to know she was at home so if anything went wrong I knew where she was and she'd be safe. Safer than sneaking off somewhere. The path of least resistance is "out of sight, out of mind" in my opinion which I know some parents adopt. Basically do what you like but not under my roof.
OP posts:
me4real · 11/05/2021 05:47

@Nybble A lot of people are misdiagnosed with BPD when they actually have autism/autistic traits, and in my case ADHD.

It happened to me and also someone else I know. Eventually it was acknowledged that we were just not neurotypical and that makes it harder to emotionally regulate etc.

Also a lot of teens experience issues of one kind or another.

@lanatolater Could you afford for her to get some private therapy, for instance if her dad chipped in? Or you could see what local charities etc offer. Therapy via Zoom I found quite effective and it can actually be easier if she finds it hard to go out (if services are still having any COVID restrictions, I mean.)

Or if possible you and her dad could maybe save/prioritize her seeing a private consultant for a couple of sessions, just to get an assessment. I'm not able to work due to bipolar etc, and I paid for stuff like this out of my PIP. I didn't spend money on much else for a while, but it was worth it.

CAMHS can be pretty pathetic TBH.

Hope all gets sorted out soon. xxxxx

Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 05:56

@me4real the counselling through charity is a six month waiting list although she is on it.I did a hollow laugh re ex chipping in Wink. I think though if CAMHs don't come through I'll have to scale back (god knows where or how) and try to eek a couple of sessions out. At least an assessment as you say. It does piss me off though that people should have to!

I sent a ton of emails to various places yesterday trying to get options together so hoping something will come up soon

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 05:59

@Wondergirl100 thanks 😊 I'm sure a lot of the better behaved kids are that way because of stricter parenting but still, there's nothing I can do about the past and who's to say it would have made any difference to the situation we're in. All I can do is move forward and make what changes I can.

Like @ScrollingLeaves says, what helped you/didnt help you?

OP posts:
boomwhacker · 11/05/2021 06:58

OP, you still seem to believe that the alternative to her sleeping with her boyfriend in your house was her having sex somewhere else. She is 14! The alternative was her not having sex at all! You have just had your best possible opportunity to deal with this- Coronavirus has meant that none of this stuff should have been happening anyway. Home schooling could have given you a chance to get closer to her and get her education back on track without the anxiety of school. She shouldn't have been having boys (or girls) over got sleepovers anyway! I think until you fully upset your part in this, you won't make the changes you need to. You still seem sure that you did/are doing the right thing by condoning her having sex at 14. Shocking parenting.

boomwhacker · 11/05/2021 06:59
  • that should say "fully accept"
Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 07:00

@boomwhacker please explain how you physically stop someone from having sex?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 11/05/2021 07:21

You cant stop teenagers having sex any more than you can stop them taking drugs but you dont have to facilitate it. If my two want sex under 16 then one challenge will be finding somewhere to have it - because it wont be in the comfort of their own beds - and they know I think it's a terrible idea.

Barbiesdocmartins · 11/05/2021 07:41

[quote lanatolater]@boomwhacker please explain how you physically stop someone from having sex? [/quote]
You can’t but you don’t have to facilitate it. What happens if they do split and she finds another boyfriend. And he knows you let lads stay over and insists too that he sleeps in her bed. Is this what you really want for her? And then the next? Is it going to be ok for her to bring lads back after a night out with her mates?

Honestly OP you need to start teaching her that she deserves self respect because the lads are not going to give it her.

Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 07:45

I've always told her that. I didn't want her to start so young and we had many long conversations about it.

The lad's home life is terrible and his mum would have them there.

Once she'd listened to me she told me she still felt she was ready and would be doing it regardless which is when I decided I'd rather she was here.

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 07:47

I just can't get uptight about the sex itself. It's the intimacy and intensity that a bed sharing Thats led to problems. But there is a whole raft of issues here that I'm working through with her. Me simply saying no boys to stay wouldn't mean everything was hunky dory

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 07:50

Anyway, I've put a stop to it and he's ended things a result. So I'm back on suicide watch all hours

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 11/05/2021 07:53

OP, you still seem to believe that the alternative to her sleeping with her boyfriend in your house was her having sex somewhere else. She is 14! The alternative was her not having sex at all!

This! You are still the parent here. Not every teen is having sex and there's actually a great few that listen to their parents. It seems like on MN parents just have no control over their kids after age 14. I see alot of this relationship issues aged 15 and I'm horrified. I would be furious to have raised a child that is ok with her db being beaten up and I would let her know that! You seem to be tip toeing around her when she's just a little twit.
She should be ashamed of herself.

ScrollingLeaves · 11/05/2021 08:01

It is worth considering that OP’s child may not have ADHD, autism, Borderline Personality disorder or another mental illness but symptoms related to sex too young, unpleasant friends, an abusive boyfriend, an uninterested father, little exercise, nothing to do all day etc.

Barbiesdocmartins · 11/05/2021 08:02

@lanatolater

I've always told her that. I didn't want her to start so young and we had many long conversations about it.

The lad's home life is terrible and his mum would have them there.

Once she'd listened to me she told me she still felt she was ready and would be doing it regardless which is when I decided I'd rather she was here.

She’s 14 at this point you should have sought some kind of therapy for her. You let her make adult decisions about her life when still only a child.

You need to look inward at yourself her OP

Barbiesdocmartins · 11/05/2021 08:04

@lanatolater

Anyway, I've put a stop to it and he's ended things a result. So I'm back on suicide watch all hours
If she is suicidal have you looked at any kind of therapy? Even private?
ForwardRanger · 11/05/2021 08:14

@AmyLou100

OP, you still seem to believe that the alternative to her sleeping with her boyfriend in your house was her having sex somewhere else. She is 14! The alternative was her not having sex at all!

This! You are still the parent here. Not every teen is having sex and there's actually a great few that listen to their parents. It seems like on MN parents just have no control over their kids after age 14. I see alot of this relationship issues aged 15 and I'm horrified. I would be furious to have raised a child that is ok with her db being beaten up and I would let her know that! You seem to be tip toeing around her when she's just a little twit.
She should be ashamed of herself.

Not true at all. 14 is exactly the age most young people first have sex. The age of consent has little to do with real life.

And shaming the mother/girl on a thread asking for support says a lot more about you than anyone else.

Laburnam · 11/05/2021 08:19

It’s not legal for them to be having a sexual relationship in the first place.
She is only 14 years of age ffs and at this age they need boundaries more then ever as her. Although tough boundaries give them the security they still need

Original poster
lanatolater · 11/05/2021 08:25

Sorry who said she gets little exercise or that she's okay with her bf being beaten up?!

OP posts:
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