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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

137 replies

Overthebow · 07/05/2021 22:43

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

OP posts:

rabbitheadlights · 07/05/2021 22:46

It just is the way it is, I was exactly the same but because my mum passed before I had Children. I still get the odd pang when friends send the DC off to the grandparents for the weekend but this is my normal and I've just gotten used to it.

Pebbledashery · 07/05/2021 22:46

I know how you feel. My mum never met my child as she passed away when i was pregnant and my dad lives overseas.. I'm also a single parent so I am literally on my own..you do just learn to get on with it. I see toddlers with their grandparents out and about and it makes me sad but I know DD isn't missing out on anything and quite the contrary her life is fabulous :)

Pebbledashery · 07/05/2021 22:47

Without sounding unsympathetic.. You just have to suck it up. As hard as it is.

Jelly0naplate · 07/05/2021 22:47

You just put your big girl pants on and get on with it really. You won't move to them, they won't move to you, it is what it is.

And yes, we're in the same boat, my parents are 6 hours away, husband's 3 hours away. We haven't been able to see mine since Xmas 19 with covid in the mix either.

Even if you lived closer it's no guarantee that they'd be helping you anyway.

Summertime21 · 07/05/2021 22:48

My parents and in laws live close but still never wanted to help, it's sadly not guaranteed even if they are near to you. Dc aren't close to them and never ask to visit which is a shame

Ingridla · 07/05/2021 22:50

My family have only seen my 5yr son a handful of times between them in his life. I cope without them. It depends on your situation and relationship with them but i don't think my boy misses out, we fill his life in other ways.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/05/2021 22:51

Children can be close to family without then providing the parents with free childcare. I doubt I’d move away from somewhere I chose to live to be a free babysitter as it was expected.

We chose to become parents so shouldn’t expect others to have to do the caring,

Numbersarefun · 07/05/2021 22:52

Mine all lived a long way away. We just got on with it to be honest and all our children have a great relationship with their grandparents. They used to phone and we would go and visit and vice versa. They were all still working when mine were small.

UhtredRagnarson · 07/05/2021 22:52

If you have close friends then could you as them for help when you need it?

I agree with others though, you need to accept this is the situation and you knew that when you chose to have a baby. Moping about it won’t change it and it won’t help you feel better about it. So accept it, draw a line under it and get on with making the most of when you do see your family.

BowserJr · 07/05/2021 22:52

Some people live with their family members who still do fuck all.

Any reason why your network of friends can't help out?

MindtheBelleek · 07/05/2021 22:52

Honestly, I’ve only ever encountered people whose to rely so much on parents for childcare on here. Most people I know live long distances, often in another country, from their parents and/or have parents who aren’t going to devote themselves to looking after grandchildren. My DS was born in another country to all our families. To me that’s normal. A good bond is still absolutely possible. What kind of help do you need?

OP, would you really want to restrict yourself to living in the immediate vicinity to your parents, and then potentially getting cross if they don’t want to look after your child all the time?

And surely you knew this was going to be the case before you had a child, anyway?

StillRailing · 07/05/2021 22:53

It was not a good year to have a baby get to know extended family. Things can only get better in that respect.
My older kids have great memories with grandparents from times when they were 5 and above. Keep up contact in different ways as your child grows and they can have good relationships.
It sounds as though you have chosen where to live because it suits you and you say you have good friends where you are: that is a very good start to family life.

PhillipPhillop · 07/05/2021 22:54

But unless both sets used to live close by and moved away after you'd had the baby then you knew this would be the case anyway? I'm afraid that's life and not everyone has family help close by although it probably feels like that at the moment. We certainly had no one to help and no babysitters either that we trusted. As long as there's two of you sharing the care, you'll be fine. Single parents with no help close by, I take my hat off to you.

Embracelife · 07/05/2021 22:55

Get to know your neighbours
Adoptagranny
Build other local networks
Choose an older childminder for a granny figure

You say you living near close friends so are they around and supportive?

What is it you need to make work?
What is the issue?

Pebbledashery · 07/05/2021 22:56

Let's face it.. If anyone of us had parents providing childcare I'm sure at some point there'd be an AIBU post re MIL or DM looking after said child...
My daughter goes to nursery 5 days a week and loves it and I literally wouldn't have it any other way.

Original poster

Overthebow · 07/05/2021 22:56

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Children can be close to family without then providing the parents with free childcare. I doubt I’d move away from somewhere I chose to live to be a free babysitter as it was expected.

We chose to become parents so shouldn’t expect others to have to do the caring,

That's a bit unfair, I would never expect free childcare. It's the little things I would like, things like grandparents taking her to the park, or them coming round for dinner and seeing her every week or so, coming out on day trips with us.

OP posts:

Poptart4 · 07/05/2021 22:57

I had all my family and in laws living locally and still got no help. Not every family is hands on with the grandkids. Having family near is no guarantee that you'd get loads of help.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but your post sounds very dramatic. Surely you knew before having your child that no family lived near. I really dont get why your so focused on this now. Having to raise your own child is not something to "get over". Stop focusing on what others have and start focusing on the positives in your own life. There must be some.

Horehound · 07/05/2021 22:58

Yes the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is so true and if you don't get the support it is very, very hard.

If you don't want to move, I don't think there's anything you can do really :( I feel for you. I was the same in the first year of my son's life and my folks weren't even that far away bit we moved closer by half the distance and get a bit more support now. But it is so hard, I feel for you.

StillRailing · 07/05/2021 22:59

So you visit/ they visit and they do these things in a bundle not spread out. Unless they are living abroad or too busy to see you this doesn't have to be s problem.

RaininSummer · 07/05/2021 22:59

My children grew up 300 miles away from family and have/had a wonderful bond with my parents and extended family. I see the same now with my grandchildren and my daughter's in laws. It really isnt a big problem if you are a close family who make the effort to spend time together. Obviously Covid made that hard for the past year but going forward hopefully it won't be a massive obstacle.

Nettleskeins · 07/05/2021 23:00

Both DH and I had parents who lived in other countries. We had to manage. Holidays and visits. 3 hours isn't really the end of the world.
In the end the decision is yours if you want to relocate. It's a choice. We chose to live in London, not our "home" countries.

legalseagull · 07/05/2021 23:00

I could have written your post OP. Two hours away from DH family and 3 hours away from mine. It's hard BUT my kids are now 3 and 2 and it's easier. Its not as intense looking after them. They also now remember people. They're delighted when we do see grandparents and aunts. It gets much easier. I toyed with moving back to where they live, but I'm so glad I didn't.

Original poster

Overthebow · 07/05/2021 23:02

We both grew up around this area. Our parents moved away to different places to retire and we have no family left here now. Yes we did know this when we chose to have a baby. I guess I got used to them not being nearby a while ago but since having my baby it's made me realise what we are missing and I'm more sad for my DD that she won't have close grandparents.

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 07/05/2021 23:02

Oh and in terms of help I didn't have any apart from when mum traveled down to help when one was sick and I had to work and my daughter doesn't get help as I am still working full time. To be honest I wouldnt want to do more than once in blue moon, had my turn.

StillRailing · 07/05/2021 23:02

Also with modern tech you can give updates so easily and keep in touch.

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