To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

[Overthebow]

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

Are your families keen to have a relationship with their grandchild? It's not that far, visits can be like a holiday and could be great if GP are hands on and want to be involved. Suppose its how the relationship develops... our kids GPs live 3 hours away..but never wanted involvement in any significant way..just a quick visit every holiday but they weren't ever interested in making a real connection with GP or in babysitting/having them alone for a holiday. I spent years trying to develop these relationships ( no not for the potential babysitting !!)as like you I really felt our kids were missing out , as were GP and everyone around me had supportive families. But 11 years later and I can see that it wouldn't have made a difference if they lived at the end of the road... it wasn't distance that was the barrier to their relationship the GP wouldn't have been interested either way but thats their choice. Its sad and they are all missing out and its not the way I will grandparent but it's life.... Me and DH have a strong relationship which has benefited from having to always work together as a team. So just try to facilitate a strong bond and use all the technology and send cards etc but you can do this without GP nearby. This could be great and they can have a great relationship but don't do what I did and spend years chasing around after them !

And there's plenty of opportunity for building the bond with DGPs on weekend visits over the years, doing fun outings and having lots of meals, just in more concentrated bursts.

I don’t necessarily agree that because they aren’t there for weekly visits that it means your children won’t have close relationships with their grandparents. My parents lived 400 miles away from me when I had my son, and then moved abroad when he was 8. However he is now 13 and has a very close relationship with them.

Try to focus on time you can spend with them rather than what time you can’t or won’t be with them.

You're assuming any GP would want to take your DC to the park and go out on trips with you. My DM lived fifteen minutes away and didn't want to. We could go a month easily without seeing her. They never ever had a sleepover.
PIL an hour away were too wrapped up in SIL DC.
You learn to crack on and go back to work early as it was the only break I got

@Summertime21

My parents and in laws live close but still never wanted to help, it's sadly not guaranteed even if they are near to you. Dc aren't close to them and never ask to visit which is a shame

This for me too!

As a child, I lived hundreds, and sometimes thousands of miles from Grandparents, because my Dad was in the Army. None of us had telephones, so our only communication was letters. My Mum certainly didn't have help with us. We all had very special close relationships with our Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. Visits were so exciting, and we were given a lot of attention and love. Simple things like a trip to town on the bus with Nana or Granny or "helping" Grandad in the garden were so special.
When I had my own children I was hundreds of miles from my parents and about 15 miles from my in laws, and had no help. We did get a telephone when I was expecting my third child, though.
Now, my youngest Grandchildren are 200 miles away, and I haven't seen them since December 2019, but with modern technology we can keep in close touch and they know who I am, and once we are able to have visits again, I hope they will feel as excited, close and loved as I did when I was a child.
I have friends who see their Grandchildren every day, who take for granted being able to see them, but because they experience all the ups and downs, the visits are not so special. Keep your chin up, @Overthebow , your situation may be different, but it isn't necessarily worse.

My mum lives nearly 3 hours away. We visit her very school holidays. Whenever we have needed her help, such as chicken pox times etc and we can’t take so much time off work, she has dropped everything and come to us. She’s in her 70s but fit and healthy and drives. 3 hours doesn’t mean no relationship with your children. My children are very close to their grandma.

Even if they lived round the corner they might still not help.

You need to live and enjoy the life you actually have.

Not an imagined, what if scenario

YANBU.

My DC are now all at school and I still feel sad about it tbh. But not angry any more. I felt very let down for a while as it wasn't just distance stopping that relationship for us.

It's sad whether it's through choice / lack of interest, circumstance (eg no GPs) or distance.

It's been BLOODY hard parenting our high needs DC with no help from anyone else. But at least we could do things our way.

I lived in a different country to my grandmother and saw her once a year. Didnt stop us having a very loving relationship so ease do t worry on that count.

The not having help is tough. One of the reasons that my mum was so hands on with my children is that she never had that support.

There are two issues here - 1. That you don’t have family help with young children and 2. You’re concerned the children won’t have a close relationship with their grandparents.

Issue 2 is a non-issue in my experience. I also lived 3 hours from both of my grandparents and we used to visit them for 2-3 days at a time. I adored them and had a close relationship. It’s absolutely possible.

Issue 1 is something which will get easier as the children get older. Yes, it would be lovely to have practical help from grandparents, but you can find help in many other forms. One of my friends is a member of a church in Islington and she has the best support network of anyone I know (her parents and in-laws live in another country). My parents made friends with 3 families when I was little and these people were like aunties and uncles to me. I know it’s not always easy to find good friends, but I think this would help you. Make friends with other people who don’t have family nearby and you help each other out. If your friends all have grandparents nearby I can see how that would be demoralising.

We have the opposite! Our local friends dont have family near by, but we have a set of grandparents down the road. Our friends always get together at weekends and we often miss out because we’re seeing grandparents!!

We live 1000s of miles away from both sets of grandparents and I do totally understand where you are coming from but there are still ways to connect.

We are very active on family WhatsApp groups, video call often and talk about family regularly with our child. We also have a family photo album with pictures of grandparents, aunties, uncles etc that our child plays with and looks at frequently.

Covid has made it more difficult to travel home to visit family but I often find that the times we all get to be together as a family are special and we make lovely memories together. For me, I try to see it as quality over quantity. We're lucky to have such great grandparents for our child and we try to focus on the time we do get to spend with them rather than dwell on the things that we miss out on.

It really tough. I'm hours from either set of grand parents and am now a single parent with two youbg children. I always wished I was closer, not for child care in anyway, as I wouldn't want that and have never had anyone else care for my children, but for things like popping over for a coffee and play, sit in the garden with my parents while children play, days out, company on shopping trips, Sunday roasts together etc. It's always made me a bit sad but I couldn't move to where they are.

@Overthebow

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

You have two choices, either move closer to family or stay where you are. Definitely do not expect family to move closer to you. You chose to love where you live and chose to have a bay. If you want family support it's down to you to move closer, not Down to them to move closer to suit your needs

Good Lord, you've just to suck it up, Buttercup. You have each other; you're blessed. I do understand that it can 'feel' like everyone is getting loads of help, but is this actuality?
My parents are dead, have no other biological family other than a sister who lives 3 hours away; the father is gone, his family live abroad etc.
I don't feel sad; I guess it's just all my daughters and me have ever known.
Look to what you have, rather than what you 'lack'.

You make your close friends their family, we live overseas and have no plans to return to live.

The borders are closed here and no sign of when they will reopen, my son usually visits twice a year to see family once with me and once with his dad.

I have had weeks where I feel heartbroken that it's now been two years since he's seen nanny so I do understand and I know that we chose to live here but that sadness is real and I have to put it aside and we FaceTime twice a week instead.

I have some lovely friends in the same boat, he has lots of aunties here and I think to myself as long as he's loved...

Maybe think about working on building your friendships locally into a family style relationship.

We have an elderly woman in her 70s in our building who is a bit nanny like with him, so we make he cakes every now and then and invite her to dinner every few weeks.

It can be upsetting yes. If you dwell on it and ruminate which I’d urge you not to do (it’s rarely helpful). It’s best to be strong, brace yourself and carry on.

Having to stand entirely on your own two feet with a new baby is bloody hard, I’ve been there, but in the long run I actually think it’s beneficial for you as a parent. There’s always FaceTime and video calls for the GP’s, and three hours away really isn’t that bad.

In the nicest way, you’ll get used to it and you’ll probably be so busy you won’t think about it too much. It’ll become normal.

You make your close friends their family

That might work for you, but all of our close friends have strong relationships with THEIR extended family so aren't looking for that same level of connection, and also have less time as 50% of their non working time is spent with family.

You grow up, act like an adult, accept the situation, and GET ON WITH LIFE.

How much do either side want to be involved? If they do then 3 hours isn’t much. But everyone has to work at it a bit. This is how it works with us:

We have no one to help out, be backup for nursery or school pick ups etc. So DH & I try (sometimes fail, I’m not going to lie, but try!) to work as a team on this. We use childcare/after school clubs, etc. We will never have the week to week help - that’s just how it is.

My parents live a lot more than 8 hours away. They come and visit a lot since we had DC. About 3 x a year. Initially there was nowhere for them to stay so they’d hire a cottage for a week and see us a lot then. Now they can stay at our house (pre-Covid, haven’t seen them for over a year). They were always very invested in the DC when they saw them. Playing with them, taking them out for a few hours every day they were around, etc. So once we thought it was right we left them for a night, then 2, then a whole week, then they took them back to theirs for 5 days. Covid has put a stop to visits but they video called every week and read them stories, or play little games - just talking doesn’t work but they will swap news on things the DC are interested in, like pets. We show them pictures of times together and talk about family. It’s a pretty decent relationship I think. Not the same as ‘having granny on the next street’ but still a decent relationship. 3 hours is not far - it’s easily long weekend territory so easier than it’s been for us.

* a lot more than 3 hours away - about 8 *

Don't be sad OP. I was in your position. Mum died before I was pg with 1st DD, Dad lives 250 miles away - we moved for work. PiL divorced, both living 300 miles away and not in good health.

DF used to come down to stay for a few days which was lovely.. FiL died, then MiL died - we would visit them in school holidays. DDs are now grown up but they have a great relationship with my DF, possibly helped by spending large chunks of the last year all in the same place. They actively seek out work experience in his city so they can stay in his spare room and when he is here, love chauffeuring him around.

OP, it's hard at the beginning, but your DC can have a great relationship with their GP, despite the distance. It's not the quantity of time together that counts, it's the quality.

You sound very fortunate if you can only imagine extended family as a positive in your life.

My in laws are extremely abusive and controlling. We've changed our locks. We had to buy a security system. We've spent tens of thousands on legal fees because of their harassment.

I think a lot of people who don't have family around have an idealistic idea of what family is like.

Not that your family would be like that, but I would give anything to have a nice extended family far away, compared to what we have.

Count your blessings and try to move on.

I think you just need to accept it. If they wanted to be nearby to help out then they’d move back, so it clearly isn’t their top priority. Just as if it was the most important thing to you, you’d move to them. Although they could then just move again or stay but not help.

We have a set of grandparents 2.5 hours away, we see them a few times a year but the children are still close to them. It really doesn’t affect the relationship long term, it’s how they are with their grandchildren when together that’s important.

We have my mum and PIL within a 30 min drive but they don't do anything to help with childcare, and nor would we expect them to.

It might say more about our relationship to our parents, but I honestly think there are benefits to not having them to rely on. We have no interference, passive/aggressive comments, family drama etc. Childcare is paid for and therefore reliable, predictable and with clear boundaries.

Close families can be a double edged sword. It works for us to keep things pleasant and at arms length! My daughter still loves her nana even though she barely sees her (mainly but no only because of covid). Distance doesn't have to be a barrier to a good relationship to GPs.