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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

137 replies

Overthebow · 07/05/2021 22:43

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

OP posts:
Garman · 07/05/2021 23:02

Can you never visit each other? My parents live 3/3.5 hours away and have a great relationship with my dc, they stay over for a few days with dm sometimes, and we visit them or they visit us every month or so, two at most. My inlaws live 5 minutes away and don't do anything with our dc and have zero relationship outside of social pleasantries. Distance shouldn't be an obstacle if the adults want a relationship with their grandchildren.

And yes it sucks to not have help because they're far away, but I can tell you it sucks much more to have "family" nearby who you have nothing to do with never mind any help or support.

Nettleskeins · 07/05/2021 23:03

Your close friends and your jobs will be your support network, enjoy them instead of moaning.
If I had moaned about all the help I never got I would be like Alice now, drowning in a lake of tears. We had lovely summer holidays with our parents and the children have great memories.

Blowingagale · 07/05/2021 23:05

You can be close to people even if you don’t see them often. Also many more tools like Zoom now.

I’m afraid from what you’ve said that you can’t have everything.

Do you have a set of grandparents (or both) that are (currently) fit and healthy and want to spend extended time with your child? If so then you have to decide what is actually practical (can you get jobs) and what is most important (parental support/area/friends in current place). Then decide whether to move.

shouldistop · 07/05/2021 23:06

My dad was a 7 hour drive away and ds1 and him had a lovely relationship which I'm sure would have grown even stronger if he'd lived longer.

sweetkitty · 07/05/2021 23:07

Yes it does suck. DHs parents are both dead, I’m no contact with my abusive Mother and my Dad is near on non existent too maybe see him once a year if we are lucky. So no really family to speak of. DH and I have raised our 4DC on our own, very rarely had a night out together, no overnights away etc just the way it was. Times like when one was in hospital were especially tricky but it gets easier once they are teenager and can be left on their own.

StillRailing · 07/05/2021 23:08

Op you can reframe this.
You only live a three hour journey from your families. It's a doable trip for weekends, easy for longer visits. You live in an era of video calls and easy sending of photos.

From what you have said so far there's no reason to suppose that your child won't have a relationship with their grandparents.

crimsonlake · 07/05/2021 23:08

You do actually mention you are upset that you are upset as they are not close by to help?
Lots of people do not have help with children from in laws, whether they live close by or not.
I never had any help, nor expected it, they are my children and I just cracked on with it.

ChaBishkoot · 07/05/2021 23:09

I don’t think distance has anything to do with closeness. My parents live 28 hours away from me (door to door, one 14 hour flight and one 5 hour flight). DH’s parents used to live 3 hours away and now live in the same city. Our kids are close to both sets of grandparents. They speak to my parents every weekend. Pre pandemic we visited every single year for a long visit. My parents came to stay as well.

UhtredRagnarson · 07/05/2021 23:10

It’s never been easier to stay in touch with far away relatives than it is now op. There are so many ways to communicate and maintain relationships. You can video call your parents every day if you like!! You can visit them, they can visit you. When your dc is older they can go and stay for the holidays.

ChaBishkoot · 07/05/2021 23:10

Yes so we don’t have grandparents for babysitting but if you want a close relationship then it is entirely possible and doesn’t have all that much to them popping around or taking the kids to the park.

DelurkingAJ · 07/05/2021 23:13

Both DSs adore both sets of GP despite being 1.5 hrs from DPIL and 2.5 hrs from DM. They come and stay and we go to see them. I sometimes wish they were closer but it’s never more than a passing fancy. We’ve got a fab childminder, who now does wrap around for us.

FWIW I grew up 4 hrs from my DGM and a 10 hr flight from my other DGP. I had an enormously close relationship with DGM and was very fond of my other DGP. We wrote proper letters, DGM and I, weekly, for years (until her death). I don’t feel like I lost out at all.

Planty13 · 07/05/2021 23:14

You just take it day by day. I spent the first two years away from family and couldn’t do it anymore. We live 2 minutes & 10 minutes away from family now and I would never change it, it is literally invaluable having their support.

My parents raised me without family help and it is doable.

pinkhousesarebest · 07/05/2021 23:17

We don't live in the same country as my family and it was not that easy when they were little.All help was paid for. The corollary of it is that we never had any interference and that was great.

Caterina99 · 07/05/2021 23:20

We live in the USA. Both our families live in the UK. Yes obviously we chose to move here, but it’s hard. My children have a relationship with their grandparents as they speak to them on FaceTime every week. We’d also see them for holidays of up to 3 weeks at a time before covid.

3 hours isn’t too bad. You could easily do a weekend trip as well as meeting them for a day out somewhere half way

Spring2021 · 07/05/2021 23:21

It is what it is sorry you are feeling sad.

I had DC very close together my IL’s also lived three hours away and my parents 5-10 minutes drive away but did nothing to help with our DC and haven’t really got to know them. They are teens now. I heard tales from friends and work colleagues about having a night out, night off, weekend or week away and we got nothing. I also watched neighbours across the road with GP always visiting, collecting grandchildren or coming round to watch grandchildren while mums got ready for work and I had myself to get ready for work and two DC to get ready for nursery all on my own as DH left early for work.

Funnily enough I think MIL probably has a better relationship with the DC than my mum as she would visit for long weekends etc.

Take care

campion · 07/05/2021 23:28

You have them to stay and you go and stay with them when you can. Keep in touch in other ways regularly and it'll just be normal for you and your child.

The distance can be a pain but you get out of a relationship what you all put into it, whether you're 3 hours away or 3 minutes away.

I was in the same position and my children had a great relationship with their grandparents; it was just normal to them and also extra exciting when they did see them. Ditto seeing their cousins who lived near grandparents ; they're still close.
I was sometimes sad that they weren't nearer, including for babysitting, but had to get on with it.

You'll be surprised how quickly small children can build a bond with distant grandparents; it just needs a bit more effort to begin with.

SE13Mummy · 07/05/2021 23:30

Just because they're not local grandparents, doesn't mean they can't be close! My DCs have a lovely relationship with my parents even though they live 2.5 hours away and we don't see them that often.

One of the things about them living further away is that visiting feels special and we generally stay with them for a few days whereas the children of friends whose parents are local to them have a more everyday relationship with them e.g. tantrums, fitting visits in between activities. My DC love being able to go and stay with my parents, being spoiled rotten by them and since the age of about 12, being able to catch the train to go and stay with them for a few days, sometimes taking a friend too.

NavigatingAdolescence · 07/05/2021 23:33

I grew up 4 hours (minimum) from any family. Me and my grandmother were extremely close despite not seeing each other regularly.

DH’s family are 5 hours away. The adults aren’t very involved with us but DD has a bond with her younger cousins even though they may not see each other every year.

My parents moved several thousands of miles away for work whilst I was pregnant, and while they’re now living back here about 45 mins away the bond was built over Skype in DD’s first year. They’re extremely close now, 10 years on.

It really isn’t the end of the world.

NameChange74567 · 08/05/2021 00:08

In the nicest way possible, you just have to get used to it. Also, living close to grandparents doesn't mean they will take an interest or be involved. My in-laws both live within walking distance a 10 minute walking distance, yet I could count on one hand they've visited our DC.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/05/2021 00:16

You chose this but now you see other people have help you realise how nice it is?
We did the same and tbh you just have to get on with it.

Messyplayallday · 08/05/2021 02:06

My mum FaceTimes every other day, and my 15 month old loves seeing her. She babbles away and my mum sings songs and talks to her. My DD recognizes her, plays peekaboo and other silly games, smiles great big smiles and loves her.
My mum see her more than her other grandchildren who live in the same town!
For us it’s all about how much effort we are all willing to put in. I can’t wait for them to see each other in person in August - fingers crossed.

AragornsGirl · 08/05/2021 05:47

My parents are 2 hours away, and my in-laws are 10 hours away. Pre lockdown we’d see my parents every month or so, and my in-laws 2/3 times a year. Sometime we go to them, other times they come to us. We’ve also had holidays with both sets. Although we don’t see them weekly, my children still have a very close bond with their grandparents and love spending time with them. It’s about the quality of the time they spend with them not the quantity.

xsjrx · 08/05/2021 05:57

Unfortunately I think it's just the way it is. We are expecting our first. DF family all live in Ireland (we are Scotland) , my parents are very local but my dad is a FT carer for my mum who has a chronic disabling illness and needs him so we won't get help or support. I don't have any aunts/uncles/grandparents either. I have my brother and sister in law but in essence the two of us will be making it work between us and the child will be going into nursery likely FT when I return to work after a year. It's just the way it is some folk get help, some don't dependant on situation. Bear in mind there are plenty single parents who cope with little to no support. I also have no concerns about child's connection with family in Ireland as they will be hands on when we do get to see them.

PainAgain · 08/05/2021 06:02

I'm a bit baffled by this. You could choose to live near your parents but you chose not to.

MattyGroves · 08/05/2021 06:17

We don't have grandparents close by. There are things that I miss like not being able to leave the kids with grandparents for a weekend.

But we still see my parents regularly for weekends and the kids still love them very much

In some ways, I like having privacy and less interference! I also never really felt the lack of support - I think my DH is much more of an equal parent partly because of it