To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

[Overthebow]

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

When I had my kids our family consisted of my dad who lived 2 hours away, mum died 10 years before, in laws 3 hours away, my sister & her family lived/ lives overseas as did / does my brother in law and his family.
Yes it is hard having no family nearby to support on a day to day basis and I think that was hard on my and my ex's relationship as other couples still went out together and did things together as they had support.
However my in laws did come up, or we would go there, about once every 4-6 weeks and my dad the same. Despite the distance both my kids (now 9 & 12) have a close and loving relationship with their grandparents and my sister & her family.
You do just need to get on with things as they are and make plans together so they can still build a strong bind.

Bond

Only on MN do I ever encounter the 'you've had your child don't expect anyone else to to ever look after them and don't complain about your situation ever' mentality

It does take a village to raise a child, grandparents building a bond and helping with childcare is a true help and godsend so it's okay to lament your situation.

We decided to move to where one side of our family lived and then stay here once we had a child (even though it's not our most desired town) because of family help with the children whilst they are young. It's really difficult doing it all on your own! The set of grandparents that live far away still manage a wonderful relationship with the children with extended visits, an insistence to help with babysitting whilst here and lots of video calls.

Ours were all 24-30 hours flight away so it is what it is- they came for holidays and vice versa, Skype. Our dc certainly knew them. When yours are older they can spend a week there in the holidays :)

I think this last year has been a horrible time for having a baby because of the pandemic and lockdowns. Having grandparents who have chosen to move away is a source of sadness and it's OK to grieve for that. But look after yourself, is your level of sadness about this manageable or are you suffering a bit of postnatal depression that is being expressed in this way?

Just remember that parents who live close to their family don't necessarily have parents who are interested in spending time with their grandchildren either, and I think that can be much harder to deal with. And once your DC get older they can have a relationship with family members who are interested in building relationships however far away they are. My SIL lives in Asia but regularly chats to my DDs on Whatsapp whereas there are other family members who live much closer who don't have such close relationships with them.

I’m in same boat. It’s hard but it’s just what it is. You knew this before having a baby.

We are in the same boat. Tbh I don't mind the lack of babysitting to do fun things just the two of us, we chose to have kids so we accept that as one of the temporary sacrifices. Plus we give each other child free time as much as we want (as long as its feasible with work etc), not that it wouldn't be lovely to be able to have a date night though.

The thing that I find most difficult is the stuff where it would be really useful to have someone to have the kids for an hour. Doctors appointments, haircuts, mundane errands etc. We always have to try and work these things around each other and we don't work 9-5 jobs, our shifts can be antisocial and change weekly so juggling the kids can be tricky.

As for DCs building relationships with grandparents, sometimes I think it's a bit sad, but overall it doesn't really bother me. They are happy kids with a lovely life, I don't feel that they are missing out on something big. They see their grandparents 3-4 times a year and they get excited about it and it feels like a really big, fun treat to them.

I think you're over thinking it OP. It's fine, honestly.

I hear you. Big age gap between my dds. Oldest 2 had 4 grandparents and 2 great grandparents in their lives and saw them all the time. None of them did childcare but they would have them for the odd afternoon or sleepover but they had a lovely relationship with them all.
Dd3 only has 1 grandparent who had moved away by that stage. Great grandparents died just before she was born, my dad and both my husbands parents went early on too.
So she has had a different childhood to her sisters and I do wish it were different

When yours are older they can spend a week there in the holidays

This is rather dependent on the enthusiasm of the grandparents and their age. MIL is enthusiastic but she's (admittedly very active) mid 80s and I think my very energetic 8 yo is still too much for her to handle on her own for an extended length of time (whereas his older sisters are of an age where they can help and be considerate of her not doing everything exactly the way DH and I do things). My Mum is perfectly capable (and has looked after DBros 3DC for a week while DBro and SIL go on holiday) but shows no enthusiasm to look after my DC even for an evening when we go to visit her or when she comes here. The favourite child/grandchildren is very obvious and being far away at least means not having to deal with that all the time. We have just got used to having very few nights out. Although I agree with a PP it is not good for a marriage to have so little adult only time, in fact one of the benefits of the pandemic is that DH and I have been able to have regular adult only lunches out while WFH. Only 3 years till our eldest is 16 though when we'll finally have a babysitter on tap!

I totally get where you're coming from OP. We don't have children yet but we live a long way away from family - 3 hours from one set of parents, 5 hours from the other. So I worry when we do have children we will be in the same situation.

It's just life but that doesn't make it easy. But we all have to make these decisions. You could live closer if you chose to, but you chose to be where you are and there are reasons for that.

Remember what those reasons are - it sounds like you have good friends and good jobs where you are.

It also doesn't mean that your child can't be close to their grandparents necessarily. Life is all about balance and what you prioritise. If you make contact a priority, you can visit or have them visit in school holidays or even the occasional long weekend, especially if your parents are retired. You can also do video calls - I know it's not the same, but it does help maintain contact and make sure your child knows who they are.

You can make seeing grandparents a really special event and something to look forward to. Yes it won't be the every day coming round for dinner etc, but they can still have a close bond if you really want to make it that way. Just prioritise it and put effort into it. Good luck - I think you'll be fine :)

@PainAgain

I'm a bit baffled by this. You could choose to live near your parents but you chose not to.

Precisely. Also find it very odd that posters are comparing it to having dead grandparents

I understand how you feel- although mine is a level deeper as both sets of grandparents live close enough to help and have absolutely zero interest in ever helping. Occasionally I get upset but I think you just have to decide to not dwell on it and surround yourself with friends when you can and plan as many play groups etc as you can (once the open!). My support comes from my friends. I do feel sad bough when I see all the grandparents picking up kids on the school run as I know this would never happen for mine.

Judging life how it will be with GPs is difficult right now because of the pandemic. You have spend the first year away from them but it won't always be like this. My dm had 26 grandchildren. One of the ones she was closest to was a 6 hour flight away. She visited every year and they visited for a long spell every year. As he got older he wrote, visited as a student and generally was more into family than those who lived nearby and possibly took them for granted.
Also as your dc gets older you can get a local student to help. When my dc were young l always had a local older teen to pop in. She would play with them, bring them for walks etc. My dd did the same when she was a teenager.

As lockdown ceases things will not be the same. You can holiday with your parents/ inlaws and have them to visit. You are better to accept the reality of your situation and realise family on your doorstep is not always a blessing.
Having your first year in a pandemic has not been easy so that is probably adding to the sadness you feel. Things will get better.

My DC’s have never lived in the same country as any of our families. They have a great relationship with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just takes more effort.

All my grandparents lived abroad so we didn’t see them weekly but I have the best memories of going there every summer for 2 weeks with my parents, and them coming for a week or two for Easter or half term. So the relationship can be there it’s just been a ducking shite year cause covid has stopped that!!

We're very similar, my parents are 3.5hrs away in laws are closer but not interested and useless. My dc are older now, 17 and 14, but when they were small they had a good bond with my parents. We visited each other every 6 or 8 weeks or so and when they were around my parents would take over with the dc and give us a break - dh and I looked forward to it a lot!

I have a colleague at work who's also in a similar situation so we talk about it a lot and she also has a similar experience, her 3yo adores his Grandma so they spend the whole visit together while she and her dh have some time off.

It can be hard on you day to day but if the Grandparents are willing to make an effort they can very much have that relationship with the dc. This past year hasn't been normal - it doesn't represent a whole childhood. Things will change.

I was a single mum and had nobody, my mother emigrated and there was nobody else I was close to. You just have to make the best of a bad job.

We have the same. It's not easy but we did build a great support network with friends in a similar situation. It's worth finding your people when your kids are a bit older for shared play dates, babysitting circle etc.

I'm a single parent, no mum, no family close to me. It is what it is...I always wanted kids and I've never had family support so I guess I'm used to it.

I think it's more that I felt more alone and left out of family life before I had kids, now at least I have my own family.

I think it must have been very hard having your first baby this year. Give yourself some kindness and credit for that.

I had my first baby living 350 miles away from closest grandparents (ILs; my own parents moved overseas when I was pregnant - it had been a longtime dream to be fair!). I remember going to a friend's child's christening when my baby was small and feeling sad she'd never have that close bond with her extended family.

I have three teenage children now, and we live a 10 minute drive from the in-laws (move was for lots of reasons, including to be nearer them). I'm not going to be able to tell you it doesn't make life easier having (nice, supportive) relatives close by, BUT what I can tell you is that my kids have different, but close relationships with both DH's side of the family who they see often (cousins live a stone's throw away), and my side of the family (see my parents a couple of times a year - though obviously not at the moment; see their cousins on my side maybe 5 times a year normally).

I grew up a long way from extended family and my parents did a great job of building friendships that played the supportive-family type role in their lives. We had an adopted 'granny' that we used to stay with sometimes, and several family friends who they had mutually helpful relationships with and whose kids we were close to. Although I am lucky to have supportive ILs nearby, I have made a conscious effort to build some of those kinds of relationships myself (in a mutually helpful way, rather than being a CF!).

I think, ultimately, unless you want to move (which I'm not suggesting you should!), it's something you need to come to terms with, and try to frame positively. But cut yourself a bit of slack with it, it must have been a hard year, and life will change and evolve in ways you can't see ahead to yet.

My dc never lived near to gps but they had a loving and good relationship with them.
We used to have a couple of weekends away when gps baby sat or they would stay a week in school holidays whilst we worked.
You abd your parents have to facilitate a relationship.

My parents are only around 40 mins away but have never taken my child to the park or anything like that without us. They have a good relationship but don't help with her at all. My in-laws are a flight away but have a lovely relationship.

It's pretty common these days to not have local grandparents. Technology helps - video calls are much easier for small children than voice calls.

The bond your children have with your parents will not be affected by this at all. We lived 4000 miles away from our families when our children were born and the relationship hasn't suffered at all, either with their grandparents or, at the time, great grandparents.

It seems from your OP that what you are actually missing out on is not the bond but the help / childcare. Sorry to be harsh but its time to put your big girl pants on and get on with being a parent - you knew these arrangements when you decided to have children

Our parents are both 5 hrs drive but my mum has and will visit at times to give a hand to me. I have 2 boys who are 2 and 4. We go up to see them too atleast every 3 months if not more (obviously not so much during pandemic) my dream is that we will get to move back one day but I've got used to it being this way. Also I realised as much as grandparents may want and be keen to help, life can simply put obstacles in your way, ie caring responsibilities or other stuff so I let go of that fantasy and it really helped me to feel more settled where I am. We are London so lots if folk are removed from trad family support networks. Its ok to be sad about it though, I was too. You'll find your way xxx

Sadly it’s not uncommon these days. We try to create/ maintain family bonds by visiting grandparents when we can, get the kids to FaceTime or Skype send pictures and cards etc. We’ve had little practical help over the years due to distance but we knew it would be this way when we had them. Honestly you just have to get on with it.