To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

[Overthebow]

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

Firstly, congrats op! Hope you are doing well. I have loads of family and they don't live very far. We never and have never gotten help at all with our kids, no one would mind them ( even when I had just one )for 5 mins. I have a family member who visits but they have never ever helped, when I was totally sleep deprived for years or when I had tiny newborns, my dh and I never had any help whatsoever. Tbh my family are really uninterferring which is a positive.
My inlaws are actually more work than help when they are around. I lived abroad for my first dc and my dh had to commute to a different city so I was totally alone from 2 weeks. It's made me and my dh very independent and well able to deal with things, I found during the pandemic some parents I knew struggled as they were used to so much help. It's not easy and for me I struggled when I had a few (thankfully minor) illnesses and had to look after small kids when I felt awful, that was so hard but no one ever helps so just had to get on with it.... I've never even been for a buggy walk with my mum or playground together. My family are all very nice, think they just find being around dcs exhausting but can't admit it.
The pandemic made absolutely zero difference to is and support, I also had to attend scans and appointments alone years ago when pregnant as no one to look after my other kids and was quite isolated at times.
I'm 36 now, my youngest is 4 and almost in school! So I'm working more and me and my dh give each other lots of breaks and time to ourselves. You are at the very beginning so think you need to find ways over the years of dealing with it especially if you have other dcs. I know it can be hard when we see how much help others get and especially it can be such a big advantage for a career too but sometimes I also feel for the grandparents, some of them are asked to do too much. I am getting my life back a little and I can't see myself wanting to do loads of childcare when I'm older at all even though id always help if a parent was sick or sleep deprived if I could.
Best of luck op and I think the key thing is acceptance here and finding other ways to get help.

@Overthebow

I, like others on here, live overseas. My family is in one country and DH’s are in another. We have no family here whatsoever.

Despite this, our kids have a great relationship with the GPs. We video call 1-2 times per week and regularly exchange post (my Dad has subscriptions for them that he sends over every month and the kids draw pictures and post them). They are always asking when ‘Grandad’s parcel’ is arriving!

When there’s no other option then you find solutions.

My parents and in laws live close by and they aren't particularly close either. Being close by in miles doesn't always equal close relationships sadly!

My grandparents didn't live locally as a child so I guess I didn't expect it. My kids aren't close to their grandparents but they are close to us.

Really depends where you live but in my area ppl heavily rely on grandparent help for work, I would say that half the ppl on pickups at school are grandparents. Some of them might be very happy but I've spoken to many who are exhausted and would love to enjoy their free time now but can't refuse.

our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents

I’m not sure why you think they can’t have a close bond. We’re in a similar situation and DC1 (5) is very close to both sets of grandparents. Pre covid we probably had one set to visit each month, often for a week at a time. And we used to holiday with them too. We have FaceTimed a lot the last year and they are still very close.

Once they are all able to visit and stay over again I don’t see why DC2 (1) won’t develop that same bond.

Never mind, at least you won’t be on here moaning about the interfering in-laws or your mother who takes over all the time even though she’s ‘had her turn’.

My parents are a similar distance (a bit further), and my mum is really close to my DC. We included her in some holidays when they were young which helped, and in normal times she would visit every other month or so, though this past year has been difficult.

I do look at friends sometimes, and think about how much easier they seem to have it. And it's hard to get a reciprocal childcare thing going, as they simply don't need the favour returned. This year has brought that home much more than usual.

However, it's all down to decisions I made, and I knew the consequences when I made them. Hopefully things are going to improve a lot over the coming months.

You manage. My DM had already died, DF and in laws live 2 hours away. They come and visit in normal times, you can have weekends together, but you use nurseries and later on cover half terms etc between you and sharing with their friends parents. You just get on with it. I have never had family help out with cleaning, ironing or childcare - you just do it yourself. You can have a close relationship if they will have them for short breaks when they are older - I did with my grandparents who lived 2 hours away but had us for visits in school holidays- but mine haven’t with theirs. In laws didn’t do much for their other GDC who live in the same town so it isn’t guaranteed if you live close. It’s all about what your parents will want to do. As I said, I had a very close relationship with my GPS but they did not help out much when we were babies and toddlers. Until I was 7 we didn’t even have a phone so my DM wrote letters to her parents!

It's really hard not having family close by. When our children are taking we had no family around at all and it was really tough. I think we are meant to live in wider family units. Now we live near my husband's parents but they do not engage with the children at all which makes me really sad. I've be always had friends that are more like family and we help each other out. I feel envious of people who have lots of family support too. I don't think they realise how fortunate they are,.

It is very sad, you have stayed put, but your parents have moved away but in different directions.

However, it is still possible for your DC to build really strong relationships with their grandparents despite the distance if you put the time in.

It has been a very odd year due to COVID and not being able to travel. However, going forward they should be able to spend regular time with both sets of GPs.

We moved to be nearer my DM when we had DC and she has been great. She is like an extra mum to my DC but better in some ways.

However my DC still have an excellent relationship with PIL even though they live a 3 hour drive away because they still saw a lot of them.

PIL would regularly come to see us for long weekends and vice versa. We have also spent 2 weeks holiday time most years with them in their holiday home. Long enough periods of time so that they could spend everyday time with the DC just pottering.

It does limit time for other holidays but for us it was the right choice.

Children can be perfectly happy without gandparents close by.

Only one grandparent here, close but not hugely interested.

We coped- as others have said build up a local network, there are many families in this situation, not everyone lives close to their parents.

Kids don't actually care who is giving them loving support- as long it is there and consistent.
It is easy to romanticise the idea of kindly grandparents, but often not the reality.
And kids are not missing out.

I imagine your feelings may be exacerbated by the current circumstances where so many of us have had much less opportunities for socialising with children.
I get where you’re coming from - sometimes when the days seem long and tedious, having family nearby feels like a little light relief once in a while.
We don’t have any nearby - my parents are at least 1.5-2 hours away and still work. My in laws 5 hours away. Siblings/cousins all a good couple of hours away. We see them as much as we can but out of the pandemic context it’s probably every couple of months if that?

The one thing that’s helped create a social connection in lieu of this is friends. Uni, ex work colleagues, mum friends, all developed through the years and live relatively nearby. Some have kids a similar age, some don’t, but as my DS is an only child it’s been a social saviour for both of us and shows it doesn’t have to just be blood relatives to create that sense of ‘family’ and community

I didn't have grandparents close by when I was a kid, and my extended family weren't interested in us. We just got very close to my mum's friends and they were my "aunties".

We had a great relationship with my maternal grandparents despite only seeing them for holidays a couple of times a year. It will be normal for your kids and they will be fine!

I'm going to be in a similar situation soon. Both our families live overseas (parents, siblings). And I'm also sad the children won't have a closer bond with them. But we'll do anything we can to facilitate contact. My mum said she'll happily visit us whenever we need help (I told her we want her to visit also when we don't need help). My in-laws are not the babysitting type (which is absolutely fine) but want contact too which makes me happy. I think it will be ok. We also have some close friends which undoubtedly will help in an emergency.

My in-laws live 1.5hours away, my mum lives 2 hours away. Once the kids were around 7-8 they started having a week at the in laws in august and over Easter, which was lovely while it lasted. You need to find yourself a babysitter than you can trust - we used a preschool employee, cost was higher but meant we did have someone we could call on:

You can't have it both ways. You don't want to move to where they are so you don't live close by. You prioritised other things.

I live in a university city where people come to from all over and often stay so it's pretty normal to not have family support and for those that do it doesn't necessarily always mean they have a closer or better relationship or that they provide childcare as you've said you see your friends getting. 3 hours is not that far. You can visit and soon your dc will be old enough to go for the weekend if that's something gp are up for (if it's not they probably wouldn't provide it if you lived next door either) They can travel to visit you for the day or for a night. Again, if they don't bother it's unlikely you'd receive a massive amount of support if they lived locally. Whilst it might be nice to have a whole village raising your child as pp'd have said, in reality this isn't something that happens much anymore.

Your dc can still have a good bond with gp even though they aren’t living near you.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I was the same and as a PP said, you just get on with it. We still had the close relationship because we travelled. I actually travelled to help them instead of the other way round, it was just the stage we and they were at. It can be hard when you hear others talking about the amount of support they get but you'll be fine at the same time.

Fwiw my DC's grandparents on their dads side live over 2000 miles away - they were zero help when we lived close by and they were babies but they have a lovely relationship now

My DH was in the forces and I was alone with 2 babies for years with him dipping in and out. My nearest friends lived 40 mins away and also had babies so contact with them dwindled. I shuffled about on my own with the babies for years. Mine are now teens and we moved back to where our family are but it’s not quite the same now the children are older

We live 2.5 hrs from both sets of grandparents. We do weekends/ meet in the middle and as the kids have for older stays during the holidays. They can still have a close relationship it just takes a bit more effort :)

DPs and DPiLs live 20 minutes apart, 2.5 hours away from us. Both our jobs are here and not possible to do "down home", so no chance we can move back. But it's where DPiLs have always been, and DPs for over 40 years.

Dd is now 15. You just get used to it, form your own network of people who can help you (paid sitters etc, mutual trading of favours, paid cleaners or other help, paid childcare, etc) and get on with it. Most of our friends are in similar positions, very few have dpfamily to help and even those who do, their DPs were still working when DCs were small - so everyone either had a nanny, paid childminder or used crèche.

And small baby stage is the easier. Primary school, when there are parent-teacher meetings, assemblies, plays, presentations, etc during the working day, or sick DCs needing to go home during the day, that was the hardest period. And after school may not be available in school which can be another headache itself. (Especially in our case as crèche was in the city near work, while school was near house in suburbs and traffic was only getting worse locally to get back home in the late afternoon).

And you spend a lot of weekends travelling back to DPs/DPiLs to visit. Which starts to get fractious as weekend activities start to happen for DC near you...

But it is part of life and you just get on with it.

Similar here - we make the most of friends who are the people we would choose as family if that were the option.