To be upset we don't have any family close by to help with our baby

[Overthebow]

Both my family and in-laws live far form us, closest is 3 hours. We had our first baby last year. I'm just so upset we have no one close by to help and our baby won't ever have a close bond with her grandparents.

We've ruled out moving to them as neither live in an area we would want to live, our jobs aren't there and all our close friends are where we live now. Our families also won;t move closer to us, their locations are where they retired to.

How can I get over this? It's making me so upset all the time. All my friends have loads of help and support from family and I just see us never getting that. Anyone in the same position who has some good stories of positives and how we can make this work? I really need to get over this as nothing is going to change.

It's just the way it is and it does get easier when they get older. We are miles from any family and have never had any help!

Count your blessings you have family.

I'm a single mum of kids with additional needs and my family are dead. You just have to get on with it.

Closest family is more than five hours away. But we appreciate the space.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Children can be close to family without then providing the parents with free childcare. I doubt I’d move away from somewhere I chose to live to be a free babysitter as it was expected.

We chose to become parents so shouldn’t expect others to have to do the caring,

Yes this ..I have two grandchildren but I also have an 8 year old myself. My daughter does complain I'm not as hands on with her kids as a lot of grandparents but They are her kids and she chose to have them I didn't ! I've done my bit bringing my own up and I don't mind helping if I'm needed from time to time (I do have them one afternoon a week) but I don't have them for sleepovers etc

It gets better when wee ones turn around 3. My parents live in a different country and I fly over during all the school holidays. My ones love their granny and grandad

They can have weekends & some holidays with them surely. It's up to you to manage the in-between times, you & DH have each other & friends etc to have each other's backs & enjoy social time & activities. Don't be resentful about their choices as equally you've made yours . Yours & DH's parents have done their time working & supporting their own young families, they want to live elsewhere for their own peace & happiness in retirement, as is their right. Some people never do it because of family duties/obligation. You should be happy for them. Even if they were closer, they might have a new retiree lease of life, new hobbies, spend time with friends, holiday & be generally busier & not as available as you think. I lived hours away from my DH but saw her (with my kids) about every 3rd w/e or so overnight at w/es...my kids loved her ...& she was quite strict with them too. it seemed a trek at the time & often had to be worked around sports (as they got older) but in hindsight I think it was better quality time than the odd drop in or meeting in the park for an hour here & there.

Both of my parents were dead by the time I had kids, so clearly there’s no solution to that. I just got on with it. It’s hard to see others with lots of support but it’s just how it is.

Unfortunately it's life. My mum lives in the next village (few minutes away) and my ILs live one street away. We get virtually no help. Never have any of them taken any of our three children to the park in the 14 years we've been parents. My own mum has been around for a meal once. Christmas Day last year. She has never popped round for a brew or to see the kids. Neither have the ILs.
My dad, who lived 200 miles away saw my kids more as he'd come for a weekend 3 or 4 times a year, just to see them.

When we do get parental "help", it's organised well in advance, MUST be for a good reason (dinners and dates don't count), and we must be back once we have completed whatever task we need babysitters for (ie. we have to set off home immediately after whatever wedding we have been to, no time to relax with a nice breakfast the morning after). We have to be up early and heading straight home which means one of us cannot even drink at the wedding as we can't be over the limit in the morning. (Scotland law)

Once we asked the ILs to babysit while DH and I had our first and only ever celebration for one of our wedding anniversaries. The calls were coming in before we had finished our food (7pm) to ask what time we were thinking of being back. The kids are fantastic by the way, very self sufficient, well mannered and well behaved and plenty old enough to be up beyond 9pm. It's just that ILs didn't want to do it. That's all. We never asked again because it was an awful, stressful, rushed night.

My mum did the bare minimum when I was a kid and does the same as a grandma. I never got new clothes, just wore things friends gave me or, for example, made do with a jumper and joggers an aunt bought me two years previously for Christmas that were too small. Then there were only meals mums boyfriend liked (for example, if DSis and I hated fish but he liked it so we'd have to sit and stare at fish dinners we couldn't eat and go hungry) and when he was working away, if mum wasn't hungry, we didn't eat at all.

At least my future won't involve being my mum's carer 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understand how you feel OP, I see my friends having whole weekends away every other week as the kids are all at granny's. I see grandparents picking the kids up from school. I see friends tagging themselves at restaurants or at pubs and I wonder, why not me? But it's life. We all don't have the same opportunities or advantages others get. I'll never inherit from my parents, whereas friends will have a couple of houses each.

At least your parenting will be your own accomplishment I guess?

We have never had any help and it did make things harder but we formed good networks with friends. In terms of being close one grandparent did manage a good relationship with the kids despite being 5 hours away. She wanted that, she visited regularly, kept in touch and did a lot of things with them when we were together. Sadly she died a couple of years ago. The grandparents left have virtually no relationship with the kids but when we do get together they clearly are not interested in them. Perhaps if they saw them more they'd care about them but I guess distance does not inevitably mean no relationship it just makes it an awful lot harder.

I'm in the same boat as you. DH's family live 4 hours away and my family are in another country. I wish we lived closer (especially to my family), but DH's job is where we live and moving is not an option. It sucks.

We have essentially adopted some of our close friends as family. They are around all the time and are effectively aunts and uncles to our 1-year-old DS.

We lived 6 hours from my dm when dd1 was born. They are still close! She came up loads to help, stayed for a fortnight after dp's paternity leave ended to help, and visited regularly after. I ended up taking a job with shifts that only worked because she came to stay every 8 weeks for a week.

I realise not every family may be able to give so much support, especially if they are still working, but that would surely be the same if they lived close.

I know what you mean OP, I get a bit jealous too. My parents have never taken my DC to park or swimming. They are totally able they just can't be bothered. It's more than that though, it's the popping in for a cuppa and it not being a whole mega forward planned mission.

We moved away just due to not being able to afford London or Surrey, although my parents then also moved a bit further after to retire. It sucks, but they aren't that interested anyway. They weren't interested as parents. I've asked them on day trips and to stay over, but they don't want to. We even made a spare room, making the DC share, especially for them and bought a bed. They just complain, make excuses and don't want to stay. There is not enough space for us to stay with them.

Are your parents interested in your baby?