To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

[BrittanyKAMA]

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

@motherloaded I am not judging. I agree kids need time to play with each other without being closely supervised by adults. But our families are clearly very different.
In my family kids never eat separately from adults and the same in my in-laws family. Family meals always involve adults and children sitting down at the same table and eating the same food at the same time. Even if that means having to work around the meal schedule for a very young child.
I did not know until MN that some people had children's tables for meals.

I think one of the many ways that people are talking at cross-purposes here is that some people are thinking of weddings as nearly always meaning the wedding of a relative of yours? I've been to one family wedding, ever - the one I was a bridesmaid at when I was 6. I've been to dozens of weddings in the last few years but they were all friends' weddings. I can sort of imagine my 3 year old enjoying a wedding with his cousins and with loads of people he knows and though I still think he'd be a total pain I guess if his grandparents and uncle and aunt were there we'd take turns a bit so DH and I might enjoy some of it. But taking him to a wedding where we're the only people present who know him sounds like purgatory.

@Hardbackwriter that is a good point. The majority of weddings I have been to have been weddings of friends.

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded I wonder if we have a different idea of what a dinner party is? No dinner parties are not for kids. As I said having a meal involves kids, but dinner parties are for adults.[/quote]
I agree, but if your sister host a diner party, she won't expect you to leave the kids home, will she? You bring the kids with you, and they spend the evening with their cousins if there are any, or with a special meal and movies etc.. if there are no cousin.

At least that's how we do it, or if there's a diner party when we are staying over etc.

I can't imagine family members not wanting the kids around, especially at home (but my kids are surprisingly quite well behaved in public. Better than with us ) so people don't seem to want to avoid them!

The first wedding I attended was the afters of a couple of Uni mates when we were working.

There were plenty of family weddings when we were young but all were child free. Fine when you are a child, but that stung when I was 19 (and still classed as a "child")!

Other than my and DHs siblings weddings, and a few afters of friends, I have only been to 2 other full weddings (now mid 40s) - a close friend and a close DCousin of DH.

I don't feel like I have missed out that much. And enjoyed my own as well (no immediate family had DC yet, we said 1 babe-in-arms was welcome but not otherwise as small venue (relatively close DCousins were fine but 1 extended family couple brought their 9 yo because "everyone knows she goes everywhere with them" so they had assumed she was invited - we only knew when the trio arrived locally the night before).

fiheka

We always have kids tables as soon as the group is too big, they love it. Very little ones have lunch first, then tend to nap during our lunch.

It has honestly always been the same with friends.

It must be harder to relax and eat in peace when you also have to supervise and help out your own kids.

I hadn't been to a wedding since I were a baby and then my first that I can remember was when I was 22. I enjoyed a few before my PFB and DD has been three so far and enjoyed one slightly so far (dancing, sweets, cake) at the age of 2 but when they're young they don't enjoy it too much as it's a long day and they're expected to sit through a ceremony, speeches, etc. They get cranky then you can't enjoy much either in the evening as you're leaving early (if your DC can't fall asleep in the pram at the reception like mine did with the only one she did enjoy).

Imo, from seeing others with kids at weddings, between around 6-11ish maybe they enjoy them. Then the awkward teenage years mean they're bored for a good few years.

They have enough time in their lives to enjoy weddings when they're older. Yes, I used to feel jealous others had been to them when I was a child but I think I've more than made up for it as an adult. Looking back, it's no big deal I hadn't been to one.

@motherloaded dinner parties I have been to are with friends. And they always involve a number of adults, not just one other couple.
Family affairs are always less formal.

Also my mum went to friends weddings and I wasn't invited as a child. So no invites to friends kids is not a new thing.

I much prefer child free weddings. My niece had so many children at her wedding that we could hardly hear the service, and we were only 2 rows from the front. Then at the meal we (dh, dsis and bil) were sat next to one of the 2 children’s tables, so absolutely no way of hearing the speeches.

I suppose it comes down to how well behaved the children are, but the last thing I want to hear is a loud voice booming “Kai get off the stage and behave yourself” alternated with “Josie, will you get out of the waitresses bloody way” when the parents can’t be bothered getting up to stop their children misbehaving!

My dd has been two to in 15 years, one of them she was too young to remember.

@motherloaded no, it is not harder to relax if I have to supervise and help out my kids. But I don't expect other kids to help my kids if they need help. We just involve family kids in things we are talking about.
Anyway, my mum is an adoring granny and would loudly object to having her time-limited with any children. In your scenario, she would probably go and sit at the kid's table. And I like talking to all the family kids as well.
Not judging, I do find it a bit unusual though. Because the kids are part of the family. But if it works for you then good.
Is it an upper class thing to have a separate kids table?

@fiheka

Also my mum went to friends weddings and I wasn't invited as a child. So no invites to friends kids is not a new thing.

I have nothing against child-free weddings, it should be your own choice.

If you are ever invited by someone like me, and your kids end up on a kids table, please do not be offended, it's not meant as a negative at all, it's just a preference (for adults and more importantly the kids!). My favourite were kids table in a different room! Good memories.

I think what OP and some others are nostalgically thinking of is children of quite a narrow age range, old enough to run off and play with almost no supervision, but young enough to want to do that. Its kids between about 8 and 12. In the UK most people with children that age are mid 40s and people tend only to have one or two siblings relatively close in age, so what weddings would they be attending at the stage in their lives? I'm mid thirties now and all my friends and relations are already married. By the time the next generation are getting married my youngest will be at least 15, and that's if my niece gets married in her mid 20s which would be quite young by uk standards.

When your parents were taking you along to all these weddings when you were 8/9/10 etc who were all these people getting married?

I can see that perhaps this is more of a thing in huge families with many siblings across a wide span of ages where you could have a cousin 20 years younger/older but that's not typical of UK family structure.

Is it an upper class thing to have a separate kids table?

being as working class as you can get, I don't believe so!

@motherloaded I would not be offended. But I do not see how it would work for young children? Would your child when they were 4 years old sit at a children's table happily with a lot of kids they do not know?

I think kids make a wedding great, they see magic everywhere and I love the sound of kids laughing. I made space at my wedding for all the kids, set up a kids table with some old toys, paper, pens, pencils, colouring pages, bubbles and some photo props for the older kids. We had a kids disco on the afternoon too. Not one child cried or kicked off at all over the entire day. Not one parent was stressed.
Even during the ceremony I just told people to let their kids play quietly amongst the spare seats at the back.
Best part of it was, nobody had to worry about childcare

@motherloaded okay, I am working class too. Just wondered as I have never come across it.

Reading some of these descriptions of "fun" weddings involving children - musical instruments, toys..... makes me realise that my idea of "fun" is absolutely very, very different to some of the people on this thread.

Sounds like hell.

Childfree weddings all the way here.

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan what did the adults do while you had a kids disco?

I hated weddings as a child, a couple of times I was a bridesmaid. My mum would drag me over to a relative and say, "you remember your aunty don't you?" And I had no idea who they were because the last time I saw them was when I was 2 (Aunty would actually be a friend of my grandparents or something).

Day spent in uncomfortable clothing, we never had breakfast before going and often we would not be fed until the afternoon when there wouldn't be much that I enjoyed.

Oh and a few of these were the full RC nuptial mass so 1+ hours in church.

Then sitting through speeches about people you didn't know and events you had no idea about.

Eventually going to sleep on two chairs pushed together.

@SecretSpAD I felt the same once when a MNer said how kids made her wedding and gave as an example most of the dancefloor filled with little boys running and skidding along on their knees.

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded I would not be offended. But I do not see how it would work for young children? Would your child when they were 4 years old sit at a children's table happily with a lot of kids they do not know?[/quote]
At 4 I'd be around the table a bit to help out, but honestly yes, that's the age they start school so mine were quite used to other kids and they were quite happy about it all. Shame Covid has messed all that social life completely.

I find young kids a lot more sociable and making "friends" and "best friends" a lot quicker than older ones.

[quote fiheka]@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan what did the adults do while you had a kids disco?[/quote]
Socialised. It was a red hot day so most of us were enjoying the sun outside. Or flitting between the two bars. I know it sounds like carnage but it really wasn't. The toy table was tucked away in the corner of the room, the kids disco was for 45 mins before the decent music came on and the adults just enjoyed themselves because their kids were occupied and they could have an uninterrupted conversation, drink etc.
I didn't have a seating plan either.
So unconventional 😂

@SecretSpAD

Reading some of these descriptions of "fun" weddings involving children - musical instruments, toys..... makes me realise that my idea of "fun" is absolutely very, very different to some of the people on this thread.

Sounds like hell.

Childfree weddings all the way here.

Me too. It sounds really stressful if my child is one of those having the 'fun' as I'd be on edge waiting for it to go south and checking he wasn't annoying other people. If I'd left my child at home then it just sounds annoying and tedious to have to be pretend to be delighted by other people's children dominating proceedings.