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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

372 replies

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 09:58

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

OP posts:
ForgedInFire · 06/05/2021 13:35

I think if you are a family with kids, the best wedding invitation is an evening one. No lengthy ceremony and meal, just the party and buffet

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:35

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded so the kids attend the wedding, then play in the garden with no one directly supervising until dessert?
To be honest I would not be happy with that. I would want my kids to be fed and not expected to play outside whatever the weather until the main sit down meal is almost over. I can not imagine most parents would be happy with their kids being banished to the garden whatever the weather either and not being properly supervised.
Every wedding I have ever been at the kids are where the adults are. So yes in the garden for photos and drinks, inside for the sit down meal and then in the inside disco.[/quote]
I have a completely different experience, and no kid has ever been expected to stay sitting still for 2 or 3 hours whilst the adults have diner.

Mind you, no kid is expected to stay for the entire meal at diner parties either Grin

They are not being "banished" at all, they are free to leave the table and play or do whatever and have fun instead! And come back when they feel like it. Kids tables never stay occupied for very long anywhere I have ever been.

It was the same when I was a kid, it's hardly a modern idea.

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:37

You should have the wedding YOU want to have.

My wedding wasn't child-free, and I don't regret it at all. It was a good day and night.

Maggiesfarm · 06/05/2021 13:38

I can assure you as your children get older, they will be going to wedding after wedding! That is the case with my children, only the eldest of whom went to a wedding in childhood and that was aged 2.5 (the youngest was in me at that time so that doesn't count), doubt if he remembers.

They have been to more weddings of every imaginable type, in all sorts of places, in their late twenties/early thirties, than most of us do in a lifetime. I doubt they feel deprived! Weddings are boring for kids anyway, I can remember being dragged to a couple when I was a child.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:39

@motherloaded but you are talking about a different idea now. Originally you said they only joined the meal for dessert after playing in the garden. Now you are talking about them having the meal but going to play in the garden whenever they want.
It would work with a small number of children there. But not very large numbers of children. It would be like being in a wacky warehouse with kids constantly running in and outside.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/05/2021 13:40

I think Weddings are a nightmare for children, long, tiring and boring.

I'm attending a family wedding in November and am expected to bring my 3yr old DS and DD who will be 9mths. I'm absolutely dreading it already and full of anxiety about how I'm going to keep them happy and quiet through the ceremony, formal meal, photographs and long speeches.

Dogoodfeelgood · 06/05/2021 13:40

I totally agree! I have really wonderful childhood memories from weddings too. For my wedding I had kids there for this reason - it turned into an absolutely wild party and as the bride I have literally no memory of seeing the kids after the day so it didn’t interrupt any fun! We hired a nanny and the kids had their own fun section/house thing on the property. I’m divorced now but would invite kids again - depending on budget etc.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:41

@motherloaded but then I have never been to a dinner party with kids either. Dinner parties are adult affairs when most kids would be in bed. Come round for your tea would involve kids as that is a very informal thing.

easterndreaming · 06/05/2021 13:43

Fiheka- I think that is the point about cultural and societal differences. You rightly ask where the kids are during long weddings. In cultures and societies where long drawn out family and friends events happen, the children, of all ages are playing, outside, inside, the older ones watching the little ones. Friends and relatives will be telling them off if needed, no one would bat an eye. It would be noisy in general and so that wouldn't be a problem. Smaller ones may be sleeping in pushchairs if it got late. This may sound like hell, and an accident waiting to happen to some people. Weddings connect with culture. The uk has so much for children, in very many ways it is extremely child friendly, but in others it likes children to be catered for away from adult life, as if separate in some ways

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:43

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded but you are talking about a different idea now. Originally you said they only joined the meal for dessert after playing in the garden. Now you are talking about them having the meal but going to play in the garden whenever they want.
It would work with a small number of children there. But not very large numbers of children. It would be like being in a wacky warehouse with kids constantly running in and outside.[/quote]
Confused

I am not talking about a different idea at all, merely my experience. I am surprised that it's such a strange concept to you.

How do you manage for group gatherings in general? Birthdays, family lunch or diner in restaurants, Christmas even? Anywhere with kids tables basically.

I can't understand the problem, where do you put the kids tables other than with easy access to "escape" without disrupting anything? Didn't you have that as a child? I am very confused.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:44

@Dogoodfeelgood I have seen more people hiring nannies and putting on activities for kids in a separate room. I am sure the kids and parents love it. But its not really joining in the wedding but doing parallel activities suited to kids. And presumably expensive.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2021 13:45

@HerMammy

Sad? seems a bit much. Very few kids enjoy weddings, too long and boring for them. Enjoy the child free days!
I loved them as a kid.

I loved all the dancing and the attention from the relatives.

minniemomo · 06/05/2021 13:45

I know exactly what you mean, I loved weddings as a kid, lots of fun. They weren't usually posh, often a buffet but it meant I saw my second cousins every year or so. My kids have been to weddings but mostly exh's work colleagues who are of various nationalities, ones that believe in families quite frankly. One in particular was most disappointed we didn't take them out of school to attend (my mother watched them)

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:45

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded but then I have never been to a dinner party with kids either. Dinner parties are adult affairs when most kids would be in bed. Come round for your tea would involve kids as that is a very informal thing.[/quote]
You never stay for a weekend with friends or relatives? Your kids are not invited for diner parties at your own siblings or relatives?

It's weird, because so unusual.

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:46

easterndreaming
you are absolutely right, but I am talking about UK wedding too, didn't feel like a different culture at all.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:46

@motherloaded we don't have kids tables. The kids join the adults for a meal and we all talk together with the kids getting lots of attention. I find culturally the idea of a kids table to be a strange one.
And every wedding in my family has involved children. Only clearly adult activities such as a drunken party or a formal dinner party would not.

Dazedandconfused10 · 06/05/2021 13:46

The first wedding I went to was my own. They are missing out on nothing.

CorianderBee · 06/05/2021 13:47

I went to two as a kid and found them boring and long, if pretty.

As a teen I spent the evening sneaking out to smoke with my cousins and helping my gran find her table again

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:48

@motherloaded I wonder if we have a different idea of what a dinner party is? No dinner parties are not for kids. As I said having a meal involves kids, but dinner parties are for adults.

ReggaetonLente · 06/05/2021 13:48

I agree OP, weddings are about joining families and kids are a huge part of that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/05/2021 13:50

Venues also now charge per person and have a limit for insurance

If I invited all my friends with dc (all bar 3 friends) then having friends dc means I can’t have another 20 couples for example as would have 40 children

It’s a cost and space issue

Our wedding, if happens third time lucky in July , cancelled last may and this Saturday 😢, we have family only children due to numbers

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:51

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded we don't have kids tables. The kids join the adults for a meal and we all talk together with the kids getting lots of attention. I find culturally the idea of a kids table to be a strange one.
And every wedding in my family has involved children. Only clearly adult activities such as a drunken party or a formal dinner party would not.[/quote]
It's not about not giving attention to the children, it's letting them have a holiday too! Without being (too) bothered about table manner, allowed to catch up and have children conversation with other children.

I would have hated spending all my meals with the adults on holiday, the "cousins tables" were so much more fun, and I want my kids to enjoy similar.

Even when invited by friends, kids have their own meal (at a more child-friendly time for a start) then are free to watch movies, do their things.

I don't know, children need child-time just as much as adults need "adult time".

I assure you none of us ever felt rejected!

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:52

@reggaetonLente I am interested. Are you married and if yes do you really feel your two families are joined together? Do they regularly see each other and have a real relationship separate from you and your DP?
I am married and although we regularly see both sides of our family they are not joined together. They live far apart from each other so never see one another. They ask after each other, but that is all

nancywhitehead · 06/05/2021 13:52

I think YANBU but then I've never been able to relate to people who think weddings should be child-free events. I see them as family/ friends events and children are an important part of that.

BadLad · 06/05/2021 13:53

In my 40s, I've never been to a wedding.

Which suits me just fine.