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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

372 replies

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 09:58

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

OP posts:
fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:09

@Franklyfrost I would be fine having say 10 kids at my wedding.
But if I got married tomorrow we would have just without parents and siblings 8 adults and 8 kids. With closest friends 12 adults and 15 kids. It would be like a children's party rather than a wedding.

GoldenOmber · 06/05/2021 13:10

It’s part of a bigger shift in what weddings represent, isn’t it? No longer a family thing where parents pay and set the guest list, more expensive, more expectation that it’s somehow making a statement about your style and preferences as a couple than lumping it with what your parents want. And families live further apart, so it’s a bigger thing having more people travel to you.

I had kids at my wedding and would have found a childcare wedding sort of pointless, given so many friends/family I wanted there had children. For me it was about celebrating with your friends and your families together, whining kids and uncles who don’t speak to each other and all, not about having a nice neat formal day out with a hand-picked list of guests to behave as polite silent spectators. Didn’t remotely care that somebody had to cart out a yelling baby during the vows!

GoldenOmber · 06/05/2021 13:11

childFREE wedding! I could cope with a childcare one Grin

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:12

@motherloaded you are talking about the kind of weddings that used to be popular. The weddings I now go to are all long sit down meals and then an inside disco. It is a world away from kids playing in the park.

JustAnotherOldMan · 06/05/2021 13:14

No, it’s a great idea, I have a large extended family and went to loads of weddings as a kid, bloody hated them all
sounds like you have some rose tinted glasses on !

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:14

fiheka

but surely that's when the kids disappear, during the sit down meal?
And get called back for desert.

I think of all the weddings I am invited, roughly 30% maybe (?) are child free, all the others invited my kids too.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:15

@motherloaded where are the kids supposed to disappear to and who is supposed to look after them?

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:16

I wonder if these children who never go to weddings until their own friends start to get married will have a different view of weddings?

I used to love weddings as a child, still do, so I am presenting them as a positive event to my own kids.

If your parents hate weddings or never take you to one, how does it impact I wonder.

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2021 13:16

My DD is 16 and has wanted to go to a wedding for years. She was a flower girl at one when she was 7 but nothing since then.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:17

The last wedding I went to I was sat at a table with a couple I didn't know who had a baby. They spent the whole time playing tag team as one of them spent time outside the venue with a screaming child. They both looked so harassed and unsurprisingly left early.

herecomesthsun · 06/05/2021 13:18

Ah. I can see that paying for a reception per head would tend to limit child number. Whereas just having a bloody great party is a lot cheaper and more flexible. Would recommend party.

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 13:19

[quote fiheka]@motherloaded where are the kids supposed to disappear to and who is supposed to look after them?[/quote]
Obviously depends on the venue, but most places I have been have a garden Confused.

Not all weddings are ultra-smart luxury hotel salon with no outside, are they? Not the majority of the ones I go to.

When I say "disappear" I mean as a parent you keep an eye on your kids too, I don't know, its' not really that much different than being invited for diner or to a barbecue .

Daphnise · 06/05/2021 13:20

Weddings can occasionally be enjoyable.
Children at weddings are usually a total pain in the butt.

StCharlotte · 06/05/2021 13:21

I only went to one wedding as a child and that was my (condiderably) older sister's "shotgun" wedding in 1970. It consisted of the church service followed by two embarrassed families sharing bridge rolls in my parents' front room for a couple of hours.

Not one of life's highlights.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:24

@motherloaded so the kids attend the wedding, then play in the garden with no one directly supervising until dessert?
To be honest I would not be happy with that. I would want my kids to be fed and not expected to play outside whatever the weather until the main sit down meal is almost over. I can not imagine most parents would be happy with their kids being banished to the garden whatever the weather either and not being properly supervised.
Every wedding I have ever been at the kids are where the adults are. So yes in the garden for photos and drinks, inside for the sit down meal and then in the inside disco.

NeedATan · 06/05/2021 13:25

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU - i have fond memories of plenty of weddings in my extended working class family. Dancing on my dads feet, running and skidding on the dance floor, nicking alcohol from drinks people left on the table, the buffett, the drunk adults giving me money, catching up with my cousins and being naughty and the adults being too drunk to care - happy days!
And this is why I didn't have kids at my wedding.
GintyMcGinty · 06/05/2021 13:27

I was in my late 20s before I went to a wedding. I am 46 now. I survived.

There is nothing new about childfree weddings. Weddings have always been expensive.

Hardbackwriter · 06/05/2021 13:28

Maybe it's because I didn't go to any weddings as a child bar one where I was a bridesmaid and thought the whole thing was impossibly boring, but I just don't see them as fun things for children. We're going to a wedding in August and as it turns out our 3 year old isn't invited anyway (his little brother is because he's a tiny breastfed baby) but when I thought he might be I couldn't work out how it would actually work - how could we possibly keep him reasonably happy and non-feral at a long adult event with a lengthy sit-down meal, drinks reception, etc? Would I have had to take a bag of toys or similar? Surely it would be inevitable that even the best behaved preschooler would play up in those circumstances?

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:28

@NeedATan you are talking about a time when weddings were either drunk parties or cups of tea and a small buffet back at a relatives house. I might enjoy a drunk party, I don't think they are suitable for kids however they might enjoy them. My brother was rushed to hospital with alcohol poisoning as a six-year old after drinking unguarded alcohol drinks at the kind of gathering you describe. Kids might enjoy them, but they are not safe.

bakingdemon · 06/05/2021 13:30

The first wedding I ever went to was when I was 21. We just didn't have family or friends getting married when we were growing up - they all married quite young. Your DC will be fine not going to them as kids!

ForgedInFire · 06/05/2021 13:31

I guess that's the difference. All of the weddings, parties, christenings I went to as a child, all the kids were expected to go and introduce themselves to each other and just get on with it. And it was great fun. All the adults around kept a general eye but there was no expectation that anyone was supposed to be entertaining us. And it was great for our imaginations.

TheLastLotus · 06/05/2021 13:33

YANBU OP - but weddings are no longer family affairs, with parents paying .
Couple marrying now are likely to be older and live further away , meaning that they’re likely to have lots of friends who are ALSO married with kids. And catering costs are one of the biggest expenses next to venue. Inviting kids can double if not triple the expense

Candyfloss99 · 06/05/2021 13:33

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not your children. They are usually mundane lengthy affairs that everyone pretends to enjoy anyway.

Hardbackwriter · 06/05/2021 13:33

I always think that the hatred for child-free weddings and insistence that they're somehow selfish or superficial is horrible, and really unfair to people who get married later. My wedding wasn't child-free but we had 2 children out of 80 guests because we were among the first of our social groups to get married and before any of our friends bar one had children. If we had the wedding now, six years on, and had the same people and with the same open door policy on children it would look like a crèche not a wedding.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 13:34

I remember reading one upset bride on MN who had invited all the kids of her friends and family. From memory, there was something like 50 adults and 70 kids. She said the kids all had a great time but she hated the day.