Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

[Loulou96x]

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

I'm sorry I can't really help but I think you need to break it down and remove your step son from your line of thinking.

Basically it boils down to the fact you're ready to have a baby with your partner, but he's not ready to have a baby at this moment in time.

That's the crux of it so all you can really do is wait until he's ready to try (if ever), or call it quits if you think he might never want another child

YANBU to feel the way you do, of course you're not, you can't help how you feel. @WorraLiberty has pretty much covered it all though; you either go ahead with the surgery hoping that your partner will decide they're ready when you are and if not, you have to decide whether you stay, hoping that he'll be ready soon, or you have to leave and find another partner who does want to have a baby - or go it alone.

I wish there was an easy fix, but you can't force someone to have a baby when they're not ready. I really hope your surgery is a great success and your DP wakes up, 6 months later and says "Let's make a baby!"... I'll cross my fingers for you.

I can understand OP x

I agree with the comments above.
Have you asked your partner if an when he want to have children with you? You can then decide if you want to wait that long.
Good luck, I hope you'll have your baby soon.

It's his choice to try for a child or not, it's your choice if you stay together or not.

These are some fairly hefty issues. It sounds like you are taking on a fair share of wife work parenting his son. Your husband has his family now, you feel you don't. I understand that.

I would expect him to go to counselling with me sharpish. With your fertility issues you shouldn't delay trying for a baby, and your physical ailments mean I wouldn't want to delay needed surgery either.

I'm sorry I can't really help but I think you need to break it down and remove your step son from your line of thinking.

I agree. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner about whether he actually wants any more children at all, and an agreement as to the timeframe for trying. Especially depending on your age. Eg if you were in your 30’s and have fertility issues, I wouldn’t be wasting time while he dithers.

Oh god children are irtitating and annoying and you'll have those same feelings with your own child. 24/7. A child has come jnto your life, maybe that's a blessing

Firstly being called mum is not actually what being a mum is about. Being a mum is constant self sacrifice for a child. You don’t get thank yous, you shout, you spend half your days cleaning up split milk and stepping on crappy toys. It’s about the relationship you have with a child - watching them grow and seeing the input you had in them influence them. It’s about a cuddle back from them or the immense pride you feel when you’ve taught them something new. What I’m trying to say is that instead of feeling jealous you already have a child in your life and you should make the most of that relationship instead of resenting it. He can be ‘yours’ in a different way even if he has a mum already.

Secondly, all the above should not take away from your desire to have a biological child. Your partner is being an arse. Your feelings about wanting a child are valid. I think maybe you are blaming the step child for your partner feeling this way but you’ve no way of knowing whether he’d feel like this even if he didn’t already have a child.

Perhaps your partner is a bit scared? Some men don’t want to ‘Try’ with a capital T. Some prefer to think it just happens. After all his last relationship broke down when they had a young child. Maybe he doesn’t want to jeopardise what you have as he doesn’t want history repeating itself.

Absolutely have the surgery!! Just do it without putting pressure on the Trying issue. Afterwards you’ll actually be in a position to try and it the whole I Need A Baby will be less of an issue in your head as you’ll have started steps to actually get there. Then just have sex!!! It’s all it takes!! Work out when you are ovulating each months and test the waters softly with your husband to see if he’d have sex with no contraception. Try doing it softly with him rather than it being this massive decision now when you aren’t even in a place to actually try because of your health.

I wouldn’t advise the above with all men but your partner already has a child and clearly is conscious already of the weight of what having one means. If he agrees to sex without contraception that IS trying.

Two things that stand out to me here...

1. Why are you doing so much for your stepson? It seems from your list that your partner leaves the vast majority of his parenting to you.

That’s not ok. As a stepparent your role is to be a nice extra person in that child’s life and offer support to your partner whilst they parent their child. You’re right, you will never be your stepchild’s mother but that is also a gift. You can enjoy him, love him, care for him... but the drudgery of actually parenting him is not your responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation
This is completely wrong!!! You do not have to take on responsibility for his child because you are dating!!! And yes, you should still be getting gratitude and thanks because he’s not your kid and anything you do for him is out of pure kindness, not obligation. Your partner should not be expecting anything of ups with regards to parenting his child!!!

1. Does your partner actually want more children? Is this something you’ve discussed? How long have you been together?

If it’s longer than 3 years and you’ve not had the baby talk yet then have it now. From an outsider’s perspective it appears he may never want more children based on his reaction knowing this one window of time post surgery may be your only opportunity to conceive.

You’ve fallen into the stepmum trap. It’s a common one... you’ve basically assumed a huge amount responsibility for a child that isn’t yours, for which your partner is no longer grateful and is expecting the “wife work” to be done by you.
All the while he isn’t committing to giving you want you want.

You’re good enough to raise his existing child for him in his eyes, because it saves him a job. BUT he doesn’t want to have a child with you that you can actually nurture and be a parent to???

You’re being used my darling. Get out.

How long have you been with your partner?
Why are you doing so much of the parenting, rather than him?

To be honest it sounds like he doesn't want any more. Why would he tell you to go ahead with the surgery if he knows you'll need to try after but he's saying he won't? He sounds like he wants to miss the opportunity

You’ve fallen into the stepmum trap. It’s a common one... you’ve basically assumed a huge amount responsibility for a child that isn’t yours, for which your partner is no longer grateful and is expecting the “wife work” to be done by you.
All the while he isn’t committing to giving you want you want. You’re good enough to raise his existing child for him in his eyes, because it saves him a job. BUT he doesn’t want to have a child with you that you can actually nurture and be a parent to??? You’re being used my darling. Get out.

All of this

I’m I right in thinking that the best time to try is right after the surgery? It’s unfair for him to say get the surgery but he doesn’t want to try. Has he given you a reasonable timeline of when he will be ready? Will he ever be ready?

What’s your age? How long have you been with your partner, and living together?

What was discussed with respect to having DC and your role in parenting your partner’s DC before you moved in together?

See I think him telling you to get the surgery is telling he does want to try. He just doesn’t want it to be such a big deal.

Posters on here always advise leaving/splitting up whenever something is wrong in a relationship. I can see why the divorce rate is so high in the UK! How about try and fix it first by talking to him? Also take a gentler approach to getting what you want than just walking out the door and splitting up? This is how good marriages survive decades. If you don’t think he’ll ever change and/or the rest of the relationship doesn’t satisfy you - and you’ve tried everything. That’s when you split up.

It seems unlikely, based on his current behaviour that your DP would support you in the (sadly likely) event of fertility troubles.

@RachelRaven

*You’ve fallen into the stepmum trap. It’s a common one... you’ve basically assumed a huge amount responsibility for a child that isn’t yours, for which your partner is no longer grateful and is expecting the “wife work” to be done by you. All the while he isn’t committing to giving you want you want. You’re good enough to raise his existing child for him in his eyes, because it saves him a job. BUT he doesn’t want to have a child with you that you can actually nurture and be a parent to??? You’re being used my darling. Get out.*

All of this

Yep, me too.

He doesn’t want a family with you - he’s got what he wants... a new female drafted in to do the stuff he can’t be bothered to do.

Your DP sounds like he is very comfortable with you doing all the work relating to his son, and does not want anything to disrupt the status quo.

Get the surgery, as you will always need to have that to progress to trying for a baby.

If after the surgery your DP is still not keen, leave him and find a new relationship.

I agree you're being used and it sounds like he doesn't want another kid if he won't ttc in that window.

Have you actually asked him what his concerns are around another child? What does he say?

@Mumbot345635 normally I would agree with everything you most wrote, however in a stepmum / stepchild & partner dynamic it is totally different.
Everything OP just wrote is so common and cliché about how women are treated by partners as a step”mother”.

You know when people discuss the script with regards to infidelity on the relationship board? Well this is the equivalent in stepparenting relationships.
It usually goes like this...

1. Love bomb the woman

1. “I’m a good man and would love to see my kids more but my nasty ex won’t let me”

1. Move the woman in, give vague promises of marriage and/or kids (sometimes they come true on these promises but the next few steps are incredibly common)

1. “Great! Now my kids can come more because you’ll help, won’t you?”

1. “You’re wonderful with my kids! Aren’t we just like a real family?”

1. Dad stops doing a lot of the actually parenting and leaves all the traditional “wife work” to the new partner

1. New partner gets exasperated when she realises her kind efforts are now expected and no longer appreciated. Stops doing some things for them that should have been the actual parents job anyway... think school runs, facilitating hobbies, doing homework, disciplining them etc

1. Stepmum starts asking for things that would make her happy and that were previously promised at the start of the relationship e.g. children/ marriage

1. Stepmum is accused of being resentful of the stepkids when she tries to assert herself and wants to have things that make her happy also... all the while taking on the drudgery of parenting someone else’s children.

10. Rinse and repeat.

This is the case in all situations with stepmums but it is an extremely common scenario that plays out in a lot of relationships where there’s a well meaning woman and a lazy father.

Have you and your partner established that you absolutely DO want children together? At some point? I think you need to have a very hard look at whether your goals in life match

I’ve been a SM for 7 years (having first met the SDCs when they were 6 and 7). The “thank you”, “would this be okay?” and “do you mind?”s have never ever stopped from my OH or from the SDC’s DM. To the point I almost wish they would! There is no time limit on courtesy and consideration.

Sorry that last paragraph should read
this isn’t the case in all situations

Spongebob - that’s sad isn’t it... I can even recognise that script on some of my friends who are earlier on in their stepmum journeys.

OP, I don't know how old you are, but before having the surgery do have a conversation with your partner when he plans to have children. If he actually gives you a timeline, like in 2 years time then try to discuss the practicalities of fertility problems, how your health issues are difficult, how treatments are painful, how you might end up needing IVF/other expensive treatments. If he doesn't give you a timeline and gets defensive you know he doesn't care. His reaction to this conversation will give you all the answers.
From what you've described it sounds like he is perfectly happy with the set up where he has a child so he can be called a dad and he found a woman who is looking after the child for him on his watch.