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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

138 replies

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 00:02

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

OP posts:
MarkUp · 06/05/2021 15:52

Are you not furious that your boyfriend is happy to let you do the parenting of his child but won’t entertain the idea of you having your own baby? You have the worst of both worlds - you don’t have the freedom and lack of responsibilities that a 24 year old should have when not a mum, yet you don’t have your own child. You are letting this man take the utter piss, you really are

I absolutely agree with this.

You are being tied down with responsibilities that your partner should be taking, for his child, but you aren't a parent yourself.

If we won't discuss TTC and you won't leave him then at least pass the responsibility of being a parent back to him so you can at least enjoy being free of the responsibility otherwise what are you getting out of this?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/05/2021 15:53

When he asked "are you getting up in the morning with child" the correct answer was "no, I don't have a child, remember? You said no to us having a child, so I'm going to enjoy my childfree morning snooze while I can" he is a waster you just can't see it yet, please don't wait for him.

One million percent this. If he doesn’t want to make you a mother then he doesn’t get to expect you to act like one to a child that is only his!!

Rmka · 06/05/2021 15:53

OP, but what would he do if you weren't there? He'd have to figure things out, wouldn't he? Do the school runs etc. The fact you live with him doesn't change anything.
And he's not empathetic to your struggles.

You're clearly a good person and that is great. Unfortunately some people take advantage of that and so without setting boundaries you won't stop feeling the way you feel now.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 15:54

@Naunet

I am trying to listen but at the same time I understand his perspective

What is his perspective exactly?

That he has a penis and is therefore exempt from caring for his own child I presume. Family or his girlfriend can do it for him, he has much more important manly things to be getting on with.
Original poster
Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 15:56

@Naunet

That he has already had a kid at a young age it was rushed and the relationship crumbled and she was horrendous to him. So I get the hesitation, he also wants to go to university but I have already studied, he said a factor is that we want to alter our career paths and are currently saving for a mortgage. So I do get his concerns. But we're both on decent wages and realistically with the health issues it's gonna be at least 20 months before there is even a child on the planet but he is still saying that is too soon.

OP posts:
MarkUp · 06/05/2021 15:56

I actually think if you did make him parent his own DC he'd probably be more inclined to have one with you as he'd think it would tie you down further and make it harder for you to say no to parenting your SC as well if you had your own DC to care for anyway... Sadly.

Original poster
Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 15:58

@MarkUp

I don't want him slated that's not why I came on here. He is a good dad but he works during school hours so physically can't pick him up and drop him off

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 06/05/2021 15:58

You've had brilliant advice on here. You're so very young to be fixating on having children yet. Concentrate on getting well- take the advice of those who have been through these issues on this thread - then think about babies.

Also take the advice of those PP who have been there with step-children and men who take advantage of their partners with no commitment.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that you'll be in this same situation in a year or more's time and even more frustrated. Or be a single parent in a few, short years.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/05/2021 15:59

He may well have very valid reasons for not wanting another child now and that’s his prerogative. The problem is that in the meantime he expects you to run around parenting his child. Expecting you to get up with his child in the morning while he gets a lie in is so outrageously cheeky, disrespectful and downright laughable that I don’t know what to say. The fact that you didn’t laugh in his face, roll over and go back to sleep is really worrying. He’s done a complete number on you Sad

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:00

[quote Loulou96x]@MarkUp

I don't want him slated that's not why I came on here. He is a good dad but he works during school hours so physically can't pick him up and drop him off[/quote]
On my days off I'm expected to do all of it, school runs, food, Bath, story, bed

No he is not a good dad if he's expecting you to do all this. He really isn't.

So his excuse for school runs is that he has to work (shock, most parents do).

What's his excuse for expecting you to do food, bath, story and bed?

I honestly can't think of a good one other than he's a misogynistic prick who thinks it's a woman's job.

Naunet · 06/05/2021 16:00

That he has already had a kid at a young age it was rushed and the relationship crumbled and she was horrendous to him. So I get the hesitation, he also wants to go to university but I have already studied, he said a factor is that we want to alter our career paths and are currently saving for a mortgage. So I do get his concerns. But we're both on decent wages and realistically with the health issues it's gonna be at least 20 months before there is even a child on the planet but he is still saying that is too soon

To be honest OP, I actually think that’s the one reasonable thing he’s said, he doesn’t want another child right now and I can completely understand why, and obviously you can’t force him.
This man can’t give you what you want, you need to take some time to think about what you want to do about that. What is more important to you, a chance to have a child, or him?

Apileofballyhoo · 06/05/2021 16:01

OP, I wish so much that I had known about Mumsnet when I was your age. My life could have been so different. Please listen to what these wise women are saying.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:02

And I don't think he's wrong for saying he doesn't want another child right now. If he doesn't he doesn't. But he doesn't also get to palm off all the parenting of his existing child to you whilst refusing to have a child with you of your own. That's so grossly unfair and I'm so sad you can't see it OP.

You're so young and you're being used completely and what's worse is you sound from your posts that you think it's right what he's doing saying things like you knew that's what you take on when you choose to date a Dad etc... It isn't. He's spinning you a line because he doesn't want to parent his own kid. It's a tale as old as time, it really is.

Puffalicious · 06/05/2021 16:03

You seem to say you work, so how are you always around for the school runs? If you're wfh that's eating into your work hours, especially if you need to care for a 6 year old from 3pm onwards.

Original poster
Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 16:08

I work 15 hour shifts and sleep at work. I work about 3 days a week usually at least one being at a weekend and we have him alternating. For example I went to work Tuesday and finished this afternoon to then pick him up from school

OP posts:
MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:13

@Loulou96x

I work 15 hour shifts and sleep at work. I work about 3 days a week usually at least one being at a weekend and we have him alternating. For example I went to work Tuesday and finished this afternoon to then pick him up from school
You said yourself though OP that it isn't just school runs. You said he expects you to do everything when you're there, food, bath, story, bed, get up in the morning with the. etc... That is so so wrong. What's his excuse for that?

You're being too nice OP. You don't want him slated? Why?! He is using you. Get mad about that! Don't be a doormat.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 06/05/2021 16:22

I might be wrong but I bet he wanted 50/50 so he didn’t have to pay ex. With you around now for childcare and household bills, he’ll be quids in.
Don’t have a baby, this isn’t the man for you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2021 16:23

[quote Loulou96x]@MarkUp

I don't want him slated that's not why I came on here. He is a good dad but he works during school hours so physically can't pick him up and drop him off[/quote]
As he is the parent then he should be sorting out suitable childcare. Relying on you to do it all, whilst denying you the chance to have your own child is absolute selfish fuckery.

LittlestBoho · 06/05/2021 16:24

If your DP works 9-5 why are you doing bath and bedtimes? Why are you getting up with your DSS in the morning? His dad would be around then so should be doing that.

Honestly you are being used but you refuse to see it. You're only 24, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your youth and health on some dude who is using you as a cheap nanny.

Sssloou · 06/05/2021 16:39

He’s throwing having a child with you into the very very long grass....

wants to go to uni
save for a mortgage
change careers first

Assuming he’s not going to uni in Sept? ... so do the timelines for his long list could be a decade - how do you save for a mortgage (or get one) when you are raking up debt as a student in your 30s?

He’s “future faking” you - in order to get you to raise his child for him. I also agree with PP that 50% access was so that he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

He doesn’t want another child because he can’t manage the one he has.

Orangebug · 06/05/2021 16:42

If he's saying he wants to go to uni first does that mean he's postponing the discussion for at least another 4-5 years, not just a year or two? I think you need a firmer commitment than that OP.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2021 16:46

There are three separate issues.

  1. Your health. I get it about hormones and I’m almost double your age and at the end of my endo journey. You need a lap. Get a lap done.
  1. You want a baby. Great. Wonderful. But you don’t- for any reason- have to have a baby now with this man. It is not automatic that endo results in fertility issues. And you can have a lap every two or three years. So have one now and then in the future if you struggle to conceive then have another one. And you will even in four years time will be a younger than average first time mum.
  1. You are doing all the parenting for someone else child. That’s great if you want to and you are both on the same page about the future. But you are not. Really think about what you want and whether this particular man can give it to you
Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2021 16:48

I strongly, strongly suggest that you move out for a while so that you can focus on you as an individual and you both as a couple- date night etc

2bazookas · 06/05/2021 16:49

For all sorts of reasons it's too early in this partnership to think of having a baby together and your partner knows it.

I'm afraid that's the bottom line and your fertility issues do not change it.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:50

3. You are doing all the parenting for someone else child. That’s great if you want to and you are both on the same page about the future. But you are not. Really think about what you want and whether this particular man can give it to you

I don't think it's ever great to palm off responsibility to someone else for your child, whether that person is happy to or not. This child probably wants to be parented, read a story, put to bed by, bathed etc... by their own Dad.

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