Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

[Loulou96x]

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

@LunaLula83

Oh god children are irtitating and annoying and you'll have those same feelings with your own child. 24/7. A child has come jnto your life, maybe that's a blessing

Don't do this. Don't make someone who's desperate to have a child of their own feel like they should just be grateful for a SC. It's not the same thing at all.

OP why are you doing all of the things in your OP. It sounds like you're being used tbh.

He doesn't sound like a good man OP. He sounds like someone who expects you to do the bulk of his parenting for him, and won't give you a timeframe for a baby of your own.

[quote Loulou96x]@BusyLizzie61
I have tried the coil - 10 days excruciating pain had to get it removed
I have tried the pill - constantly bleeding and constant pain
Depot injection - worked for the pain but has sent me crazy with anxiety and depression
Offered Zoladex - declined due to fears of how my body will react to it
The next offer has been the laproscopy
I know there are other treatments but feel like I've gone through enough trauma with it at the moment to then not take the opportunity to try and concieve after the lap when I've been told by my gynae ill be my most fertile I'd be fdaft to ignore that[/quote]
At 24,i would assume you haven't tried a number of different varieties of the pill? Women do react differently to each...
Also assuming that it was the depo causing anxiety and depression may simply be you lacking insight, as when you review this thread, there are obviously issues you have with your life situation and I wonder if rather than address these, you ignored the obvious, in favour of believing to attribute this to the depo...

Personally, I think that you're being short sighted re zoladex. It can be an absolute miracle drug.

As I said before, endo could be with you for another 30 years. I was told that likelihood is you'll only manage a max of 5 laps before they'd need to move to laparotomies which is major surgery. So finding a tolerable treatment is key imo. And reacting poorly to other treatments doesn't rule out zoladex. You can have a month only dose at a time. I always had this dosage, due to suffering from allergic reactions.
As for, "gone through enough trauma with it at the moment to then not take the opportunity to try and concieve after the lap when I've been told by my gynae ill be my most fertile I'd be fdaft to ignore that", this is you drawing a conclusion that 1+1=3 imo. If you weren't with a bf what would you do? That's how you need to think.
If actually you'd then pursue a sperm donor, then that's what you need to do. But trying to force him to conceive now, because it suits some idea you have is very unreasonable. Whether he is wonderful or a real shit! Especially given that you a) have no confirmation it's endo, b) are totally disregarding the impact of the pcos c) have no idea how significant the endo would be if its endo as many women do not suffer fertility issues

He’s not a good man or a good dad.

You’re just telling yourself that because you think he is your one shot at being a mum.

You’re so desperate to have a baby that you’re overlooking the fact that you are being totally used and treated with utter disrespect by your user of a boyfriend.

Do you think he would get up on his days off and run around after a child that was yours but not his?

No, he wouldn’t.

You’re there entirely for his convenience and you having a baby won’t make his life easier (the opposite in fact) so he doesn’t want it to happen.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this with your health but please don’t let it blind you to the fact that you’re in a terrible relationship where you’re being used and taken advantage of.

Ask yourself honestly, if you didn’t have these issues and could conceive at your leisure, would you choose this man above all others to be your life partner and the father of your child? Or would you have higher standards?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

He’s not a good man or a good dad.

You’re just telling yourself that because you think he is your one shot at being a mum.

You’re so desperate to have a baby that you’re overlooking the fact that you are being totally used and treated with utter disrespect by your user of a boyfriend.

Do you think he would get up on his days off and run around after a child that was yours but not his?

No, he wouldn’t.

You’re there entirely for his convenience and you having a baby won’t make his life easier (the opposite in fact) so he doesn’t want it to happen.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this with your health but please don’t let it blind you to the fact that you’re in a terrible relationship where you’re being used and taken advantage of.

Ask yourself honestly, if you didn’t have these issues and could conceive at your leisure, would you choose this man above all others to be your life partner and the father of your child? Or would you have higher standards?

100% this.

He is not a good father to his existing child.

He is not a good enough partner to you now.

He will not be a good enough father to a second child.

And he will not be a good enough co-parent and partner with you.

He is not good enough.

You know he is exploiting you.

You deserve much much more than this.

You are young and have plenty of time to have a much better experience of motherhood - with someone else or alone.

I hope that you can see that you and your future children can have a much better life than this.

If you have a baby with him one of two things will happen:

1. Relationship will collapse as you’ll be doing everything for him, baby and DSS.

1. You’ll have a household environment full of resentment due to doing everything for him, baby and DSS.

A baby would be harder to look after than DSS and he isn’t even doing that.

Read the step mum threads, full of resentment, in many cases understandable because so many are with men who expect them to do all the wife work. The SKs then add to this but the core issue is often lazy men. Of which your partner is one.

You are young, don’t waste that youth in not finding a man with no responsibilities.

@BusyLizzie61

I get what you are saying but you're speaking to me as if you're my gynae and like you know how each of these treatments have impacted me. You are entitled to express your opinion and from what you have personally gone through. But this is my body, I can't take multiple different pills because of predisposition to other illnesses, HRT with the Zoladex puts me at high risk it isn't just what I'm staying on here because theres not enough words to describe everything but just be mindful I am aware of my PCOS and what this is and I have a good understanding of endo and its impacts and both diseases run in my family. As for the injection put it this way I have suffered with anxiety from the age of 15 and coped alright. 4 weeks after having the depot I am having constant suicidal thoughts. The only change in my life was that medication. Again I accept your opinion, just be more thoughtful because you don't know the ins and outs of how these things impact me personally. I hope you are well and wish you the best.

OP, things will not get better, you will not get what you want from life, by being a passive doormat. Sorry, but this child is not your step son, you aren’t married and have only lived with him a short time. You’re far too invested in giving this man everything he wants on a plate, whilst ignoring your own needs. He is not fulfilling what YOU want and need from a relationship.

If he is such a great man, tell us what he does for his child. How often does he cook? How much cleaning does he do? Why does he think his sleep in trumps yours? Why does he get to dictate what you do on your days off?

Sometimes on here I read a post and have an overwhelming urge to wrap the poster up and keep them safe, to care for and protect them. This is one of those posts. OP you need someone to protect you from yourself at this point. This guy has you tying yourself in knots to do everything for him, he is using you and you can't see it. He knows how desperate you are for a child and is using that desperation to leverage you into doing the grunt work of parenting his child for him.

When he asked "are you getting up in the morning with child" the correct answer was "no, I don't have a child, remember? You said no to us having a child, so I'm going to enjoy my childfree morning snooze while I can" he is a waster you just can't see it yet, please don't wait for him. He will sit out the clock and then move on to someone else.

OP, you are only 24 years old, you don't need to be in such a rush to have a child.

You have unresolved health issues, you sound like you're living with a lot of anxiety, you have unresolved relationship issues, you are not on the same page as your partner, it sounds like you're not as financially secure as you might want to be, and you already have a child in the mix who will be impacted by things going badly.

You have a lot of reasons not to have a child right now.

I understand about the diagnosis and the pressure it is making you feel, but I think it is clouding your judgement. Imagine you had no fertility hurdles at all- would you be wanting a child immediately? In this situation? Or if you had no time pressure, would you wait?

If having a baby soon is important to you, I really think you should start over with another man who doesn't already have them.

[quote Loulou96x]@BusyLizzie61

I get what you are saying but you're speaking to me as if you're my gynae and like you know how each of these treatments have impacted me. You are entitled to express your opinion and from what you have personally gone through. But this is my body, I can't take multiple different pills because of predisposition to other illnesses, HRT with the Zoladex puts me at high risk it isn't just what I'm staying on here because theres not enough words to describe everything but just be mindful I am aware of my PCOS and what this is and I have a good understanding of endo and its impacts and both diseases run in my family. As for the injection put it this way I have suffered with anxiety from the age of 15 and coped alright. 4 weeks after having the depot I am having constant suicidal thoughts. The only change in my life was that medication. Again I accept your opinion, just be more thoughtful because you don't know the ins and outs of how these things impact me personally. I hope you are well and wish you the best.[/quote]
So, baby issue aside, what do you intend to do for the next 30 years? Have a hysterectomy at 25?

You are making this into a biological ticking clock scenario, that you currently have no confirmation of this being the situation...

You are not married to this man. He can disappear out of your life when you're no longer useful to him and you'll never see his kid again. He is using you to do his parenting and at the same time costing you your own fertility. He will put you off, stall, string you along but he never wants to have kids with you, he's already got one.

Men like him target young, nice, docile women to use. They really do.

It enrages me to see women being used by utter dicks like this because that's what they are.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

You are not married to this man. He can disappear out of your life when you're no longer useful to him and you'll never see his kid again. He is using you to do his parenting and at the same time costing you your own fertility. He will put you off, stall, string you along but he never wants to have kids with you, he's already got one.

Men like him target young, nice, docile women to use. They really do.

It enrages me to see women being used by utter dicks like this because that's what they are.

Yes and the worst part is some people encourage it and see it as what you should do, just 'taking on DSC', being a 'good step mum' etc...

It's not, it's letting your partner of the hook of parenting his own kids.

Tbh I'd separate. 24 is too young to be tied into doing all the grunt work for someone elses child

Its young enough to take time to find someone to go through all the new and exciting bits of parenting and learn together how to do this. With someone who actively wants to start a family with you.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

You are not married to this man. He can disappear out of your life when you're no longer useful to him and you'll never see his kid again. He is using you to do his parenting and at the same time costing you your own fertility. He will put you off, stall, string you along but he never wants to have kids with you, he's already got one.

Men like him target young, nice, docile women to use. They really do.

It enrages me to see women being used by utter dicks like this because that's what they are.

Please listen to the lived experience and wise words of older women who have seen this situation time and time again.

He’s a lazy, using, selfish cliche - this type are easy to identify - they never change and needed swerving.

@BusyLizzie61
I don't know what I intend to do, may not have an official diagnosis but my gynaecologist has said I hit pretty much every sign of it and she's pretty certain it is endo. Also at the moment I can't cope with treatment being trialled on me if it means having a hysterectomy young then so be it.

Op how old is he please? Is he the same age?

I have to agree with the others, this is a relatively short relationship and he’s properly taking the piss here.

@Sssloou

I am trying to listen but at the same time I understand his perspective. I am an understanding person and I am empathic. I live with him therefore I do have some responsibility when the little one is here and if he's at work Monday to Friday and I'm at home on that day it falls to me to do things like the school run I just want him to be a bit more understanding with me about things and just meet me half way. I'm discussing it again with him today at some point so hopefully will get somewhere

@Bluntness100

26

[quote Loulou96x]@Sssloou

I am trying to listen but at the same time I understand his perspective. I am an understanding person and I am empathic. I live with him therefore I do have some responsibility when the little one is here and if he's at work Monday to Friday and I'm at home on that day it falls to me to do things like the school run I just want him to be a bit more understanding with me about things and just meet me half way. I'm discussing it again with him today at some point so hopefully will get somewhere[/quote]
No it doesn't fall to you OP.

Did his child not exist before you were around? He obviously managed then?

He managed to parent his child on his own before you were on the scene. Nothing has to fall to you because of anything. If he could do it then, he can do it now.

How did he get his kids to school before he met you? Whatever the answer is, that's what he should still be doing.

@MarkUp

It fell on family members

So what would he do about school collection if you weren’t on the scene? He would make other arrangements. But he has made you his childcare arrangement. Think about that - you’re good enough to do the grunt work of his child but not good enough to give you the baby you desperately want.

You have a really warped understanding of what is your responsibility and what is his. You are the girlfriend of this child’s dad. Literally zero responsibility is yours. Of course you help out out of goodwill if you want to but it is a favour to the child’s parents and NOT something you are in anyway obliged to do because you happen to be in a relationship with one of the parents. Are you not furious that your boyfriend is happy to let you do the parenting of his child but won’t entertain the idea of you having your own baby? You have the worst of both worlds - you don’t have the freedom and lack of responsibilities that a 24 year old should have when not a mum, yet you don’t have your own child. You are letting this man take the utter piss, you really are.

I am trying to listen but at the same time I understand his perspective

What is his perspective exactly?

[quote Loulou96x]@MarkUp

It fell on family members[/quote]
Because he's a lazy, sexist, shit excuse for a father. That's the truth, OP, even if you don't see it.