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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

138 replies

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 00:02

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 06/05/2021 07:40

I’ve been a SM for 7 years (having first met the SDCs when they were 6 and 7). The “thank you”, “would this be okay?” and “do you mind?”s have never ever stopped from my OH

This is exactly how it should be! @BobLemon your partner clearly respects you Star

SpongebobNoPants · 06/05/2021 07:46

@Mumbot345635 it’s such a common dynamic.
The worst part is that I don’t think these men even do it on purpose a lot of the time, they just don’t see marriage or more kids as a priority because they’ve already been there and done that.

They have usually also come from relationships where the mother of the kids did everything for them (likely why they split in the first place) and therefore they just view parenting as the woman’s role.

They need to learn how to parent independently of other people. I would never date a single dad who hadn’t been single or living alone for at least a few years in between relationships.

BusyLizzie61 · 06/05/2021 07:51

If this is your first laparoscopy, is this a suspected endo diagnosis?

How old are you?

Do you have chocolate cysts?

The above is very relevant in terms of your likely outlook. I have both conditions and underwent treatment for endo over about 15 years.i spoke with my gynae and was in the best position to conceive. And though you're right that many women are more fertile after a lap, it's not the only way to increase chances. Equally, many women with endo nave conceived with absolutely no issues. Has your gynae specifically said you'll struggle to conceive (I was told this in my early 20s,hence a really harsh treatment regime was opted for).

This issue isn't about your ss. (as an aside, in any relationship, over time what you take as no thanks does become more normal, as it would with your own child, inevitably).

The real conversation that needs to be had at this point is, does he actually want more children, not everyone does and frequently people assume they would without actually discussing.

You also don't say how long you've dated, how long you've lived together. Again that could have a real bearing. As could the impact that your partner believes this will have on his son. Not solely because it's a sibling who would live full-time with his dad, but also the age gap would totally change the dynamics. That is likely to be at least a 7 year age gap. Many parents wouldn't want that for their children.

Your yearning seems to be due to your conditions and imminent lap. That alone, probably isn't a good reason to be ttc.

You may also have to review whether the relationship is for you, if he doesn't want children. Remembering that even if you left you still may never become a mother.

I won't the solo mother route, which was the right decision for me, but it's not for everyone and still there's never a guarantee...

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 06/05/2021 07:55

Have you suggested having the operation then going down the sperm donor route?

He can't mind that can he. He's happy for you to raise his child for him, so surely he'll be more than happy to help raise yours? I'm being sarcastic obviously, because I doubt very much he would; but it highlights the inequality in your relationship doesn't it?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/05/2021 07:59

@LunaLula83

Oh god children are irtitating and annoying and you'll have those same feelings with your own child. 24/7. A child has come jnto your life, maybe that's a blessing
As a step parent, no, it's very different ime. (Unless perhaps they do not have another parent and you brought them up from being a baby)
BobLemon · 06/05/2021 08:17

Oof! Good list!

blakeway45 · 06/05/2021 08:24

Think you need to ask him if he wants more kids at all.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/05/2021 08:24

Op what annawful situation you are in but if he doesn't want a baby he will have to take control of contraception and if that means no see after your operation for six months so be it. Bet he soon changes his mind.
Sometimes l think men are better having these decisions made for them rather than giving them the option and whilst l wouldn't condone having an unwanted baby, l bet he would soon just accept it.
But in the meantime l would stop doing so much for your stepson - then when he notices you can say if he won't compromise then you are done with doing his job for him.
Have the surgery.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/05/2021 08:26

No sex not no see. Stupid phone!

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 08:57

So I wrote this whole thing really late last night to ease my thoughts and anxieties. Thank you for all of your thoughts and advice. To answer some questions
I am 24
Been together 2 and half years
I have discussed all of the situation with hi and my thoughts about my illness, he's saying he wants to go to uni and that we are saving to buy a house so isn't the right time. But when you look at how long it would take to actually get pregnant if I can and have the baby after OP and stuff it's about 2 years. I don't want to be jealous about my step son, I absolutely adore him and would do anything for him. Just some times a thanks would be really appreciated. I'm just venting my thoughts I feel stuck in my own mind at the moment so I'm really grateful for all of the responses.

OP posts:
Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 09:03

Been together 2 1/2 years, lived together for 1 year. I don't have chocolate cysts, have a full diagnosis for my PCOS but with the endo they can't 'officially' diagnose me until I have the lap, I've been on several different medications and each has caused their own separate issues so the lap is my next port of call. They stated that I should have the lap when I'm wanting to try to concieve as it will be my best shot at being fertile. I have discussed having children with him before been trying to discuss this situation for over a year but to no avail, said he wants kids but won't give me some form of time frame which I kind of need at the moment with everything going on with my body, my anxiety is through the roof and same with depression, just my head is up my ass with it all so much to think about. Hence me posting on here.

OP posts:
Lorw · 06/05/2021 09:04

Childless stepmum here 👋 not by choice, me and my husband have been trying for nearly 2 years and I have PCOS. I have three step children and I adore them but I certainly want my own and made this very clear from the onset. I find I do most of the ‘wife work’ we have them every weekend, I look after them on a Saturday when he’s at work and I am the one who feeds them, bathes them, bakes with them, puts them to bed, I clear up after them and I’m the one who spends hours choosing perfect presents on Christmas and birthdays, I don’t really mind but it is hard work especially when I’ve worked long hours all week. Finally got pregnant recently but found out no heartbeat so will have to have medical intervention if I don’t pass it naturally, I still have to look after my step children and it’s heartbreaking.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and you should sit and talk to your partner and see if he actually wants children especially if it’s a deal breaker for you, if he doesn’t, leave, it’s really not worth it, being a stepmum is a thankless task unfortunately and if you’re not happy you will start to resent everything. If he says he wants children great, and you can compromise I’m sure, infertility as a couple especially when one of you have children already is so hard and the amount of arguments it’s caused between me and my DH because i feel inferior and he harbours guilt etc.

Always be kind to yourself OP.

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 09:13

@Lorw I get what you are saying, I understand it is a thankless task. Although I have a really hard job which means when I'm at work I do a 15 hour shift and sleep at work and then I'm home. We have him half during the week and then the week after at the weekend. On my days off I'm expected to do all of it, school runs, food, Bath, story, bed. I honestly don't mind most of the time but with my issues I get so exhausted and anxious I do struggle and sometimes it's obvious sometimes it isn't its more the fact when he says things like "oh are you getting up with him tomorrow" when it's my one day for a rest or he isn't working in the morning it can be frustrating. I haven't tried for a baby ever before and this is why I'm so panicky about it and want to do it right and take the doctors advice. I'm so sorry or your loss

OP posts:
Naunet · 06/05/2021 09:22

I don’t think it sounds like he wants a baby OP, he just wants you to do all the care for the child he already has. Why do you take on so much of the care? He’s the parent, it’s his job.
Are you married?

Naunet · 06/05/2021 09:26

its more the fact when he says things like "oh are you getting up with him tomorrow" when it's my one day for a rest or he isn't working in the morning it can be frustrating

So say no!!! Stop being such a doormat, you’re not the nanny. This is HIS son, his responsibility.

pinkscrunchy · 06/05/2021 09:26

Although I have a really hard job which means when I'm at work I do a 15 hour shift and sleep at work and then I'm home. We have him half during the week and then the week after at the weekend. On my days off I'm expected to do all of it, school runs, food, Bath, story, bed.

This is so not on! I can't believe he's happy to leave you to do this. I'm not a big LTB person, but you are only 24. Why are you doing this to yourself? I understand the desire for a baby, I really do, but I don't think this is the right man to have one with. You'll be doing absolutely everything for your DSS and your baby.

AuntyFungal · 06/05/2021 09:30

“On my days off I’m expected to do it all...”

”Oh, are you getting up with him tomorrow...”

Wake up OP, stop being passive. You are being used.
Life is short and death is long.

He’s keeping you dangling with The Future You Will Have Together. A popular book, found in the fiction section next to Catherine Cookson and Barbara Cartland. Gritty, heartwarming tales of women overcoming obstacles and ultimate happy endings.

As I said, life is short. Live your life, not his.
He’s not the only man on the island.

Remove your savings from joint account (if you have).
Stop doing any child care.
Do not renew tenancy.
Don’t fall for temporary good behaviour and promises.

Consider going it alone as a single parent.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/05/2021 09:31

I think your partner is right here but maybe not expressing it as fully as he could. I see this as a new relationship at your age, during a pandemic too so not a fair test of how your relationship is living together. I think he's not ready for good reason. I also wonder what's the panic? Why do you need a baby now? It sounds like the relationship needs a re-balance anyway in terms of parenting SS first.

SpongebobNoPants · 06/05/2021 09:38

Oh @Loulou96x what are you doing.

You’re 24 and with a lazy selfish man. You’re so young, please don’t settle for this. He is taking advantage of your kindness

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 09:38

@Flittingaboutagain the rush is my illness if I don't have the surgery I'm in chronic pain or have to take hormone meds which I physically can't do anymore they mess with everything contraception treatment for my illness doesn't agree with mewe were together when we were young also so it wasn't I just met him and we got together

OP posts:
nancywhitehead · 06/05/2021 09:41

There seem to be two issues here which might be getting a bit muddled...

  1. Your feelings around your step son

  2. Your feelings around having a child of your own

I think you need to try and keep these separate.

You definitely need to have a serious conversation with your partner about whether you both see a baby in your future. If this is something that you want but he is undecided/ not keen, you will end up feeling resentful. There are many things you can compromise on in relationships but children are not one - you can't have half a child, so tell him you need a firm answer one way or the other.

In the meantime I would say it's quite normal and perhaps a good thing that you are now expected to do things for your step son as if he was your own? I would see that as more of an honour than a burden, you are obviously seen as an equal parent figure.

I have a stepdad who came into my life when I was young. He was wonderful. I don't see him as being different from my real dad now (who I also have a relationship with) - I just see it as having two dads and I feel very lucky for that.

There is an opportunity here for a lovely parental relationship with your stepson. I totally get that you also want your own child, but try not to discount your stepson as your child either.

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 09:41

@Naunet no were not married he only officially got divorced last year

OP posts:
ChameleonKola · 06/05/2021 09:44

So at 22 you started a relationship with a guy who had a child. And by 23 you were installed in his house raising his child, without a firm timeline for having your own? Or a marriage certificate?

He’s probably rubbing his hands in glee at having been able to find an absolute mug to raise his child for him while he has to do and give nothing in return.

I also have severe stage 4 endo, only one tube, chronic pain and daily painkillers and my insides are a mess. The first date I had with DH (he was 24, me 28) I told him very clearly I was ready for children and planned to try in 2-3yr as my health meant I couldn’t afford to wait much longer.

You have to think of yourself OP, you don’t have forever to have children and it’s ridiculous that you’re playing at being a family with this guy while potentially giving up on one of your own. All this time invested into his son (who isn’t your stepson is he?) when you could split at any point and never see him again.

Take some control and ownership back over your life. I had the surgery at 31, no way would I have put myself through that without a firm plan to TTC immediately after tbh.

Your boyfriend is well within his rights not to want another child now or ever but you know this fact about him now so it’s your choice whether to stay and watch your fertility ebb away on a ‘maybe someday’ while raising a child that isn’t yours, or to end it and go date with intention and find a man who can actually give you what you want from your life and who respects you.

Loulou96x · 06/05/2021 09:44

@nancywhitehead I completely hear what you're saying, trust me I really hate myself for feeling jealous towards him and I get what you are saying I'm more than happy to help out and do my bit as an equal parental figure but at the end of the day a thanks isn't hard, I get that he is putting trust in me etc with the little one but at the same time I sometimes don't feel appreciated. I also have step parents who I adore and I get what you're saying it's just sometimes it gets on top of me

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 06/05/2021 09:45

Despite the distress of your medical issues, I don't think now is the time to be having a baby with this guy, so in that respect your DP is correct. You're young, the relationship is relatively new, there's already issues, and the last thing he needs is another broken relationship with a child in the mix. Nor do you need to be juggling those blended family dynamics when things are already fragile. It's still early days. Even if you waited two or three years to have the surgery, you'd still be a younger mum, but you'd have given this relationship time to either gain stability (and with it more equality I hope!), get married, buy a place, all those things that can play a part in longevity. Or indeed that'll give you time to reassess, realise this isn't the one for you, leave, have adventures and find the right one. I think the fact that you have a DSS is falsely pushing this issue. Most couples aren't rushing to have DC at your age, and your DP already sounds like he's had enough of child-rearing for now. Take the pressure off the child-bearing side of things and take some time for yourself now.