Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

[Loulou96x]

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

[quote Loulou96x]@nancywhitehead I completely hear what you're saying, trust me I really hate myself for feeling jealous towards him and I get what you are saying I'm more than happy to help out and do my bit as an equal parental figure but at the end of the day a thanks isn't hard, I get that he is putting trust in me etc with the little one but at the same time I sometimes don't feel appreciated. I also have step parents who I adore and I get what you're saying it's just sometimes it gets on top of me[/quote]
You’re not an equal parent and shouldn’t be behaving as one. You’re not a stepparent or legally related in any way to your boyfriend’s son. You could break up tomorrow and you’d never see him again.

And personally when I was really ready for and desperate to have kids (and scared I wouldn’t be able to due to health issues) as much as I love children it would have emotionally broken me to be going through the motions every day of parenting someone else’s child.

Judging by those details he doesn't want children and he just wants a free nanny so he can save for a house, but of course only you know the full picture. If he wanted children with you, he would give you a timeline. You're not married and you don't live together for that long so he put you in a stepmum category really quickly. At the same time in he doesn't treat you as equal in a relationship.
If he can't cope as a parent, he needs to organise childcare. It's his responsibility as a father. Anytime you do anything for his son, you're doing it as a favour, and you have a right to refuse. He can take annual leave for all you care. Start saying no. If it's your day off and you want to rest that's a good enough reason. Set up boundaries and see how he reacts.
And make him commit to children in a specific future or tell you straight if he doesn't want them. You don't want to wake up in 5 or 10 years and realise you wasted all this time with someone who can't give you what you want out of a relationship.
If he steps up to the role of a real father and partner, great. If not, you'll have a lot to think about.
Wishing you lots of strength. I know it's hard right now but if you put your needs first, it will get better.

At this point I just don't even know how to talk about it with him, like I said in the original post I just feel deflated

You wrote you think TTC could take about two years with your issues but there is no way of knowing what universe has for you in terms of TTC before you start trying.

Is there an age gap between you and your partner?

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you need a serious conversation about your relationship. Tell him you want to start trying for a baby in the next X number of years, and that you want to get married before doing so. See how he reacts, if he shuts it down or dismisses you, he’s not interested and you need to look at ending the relationship.

You also really need to start saying no to him in covering his childcare responsibilities. This is his child, he needs to stop treating you like a free nanny. How does he react when you say no? How often is he the one cooking for his child, changing their sheets etc?

You are really young. Have the op as it’ll help your overall health and be one less hurdle to getting where you want. See where you are afterwards. Say no to him sometimes when he asks you to do things for his son.

In the meantime I would say it's quite normal and perhaps a good thing that you are now expected to do things for your step son as if he was your own? I would see that as more of an honour than a burden, you are obviously seen as an equal parent figure

See now I don’t agree with this, there’s being an equal parent and there’s being taken advantage of.
Being an equal parent, does not mean doing everything for the child, whilst the child’s father does nothing.

The child has two parents, a mother and a father. The op is an extra adult that should be there the help and guide the parent in bringing up his child, whilst forming her own bond and relationship with him/her.

The dp has effectively sat back and let op take full responsibility as the roll of the parent. Leading to resentment, which can and will have an effect on her relationship with both the Dp and the child. Where’s the equality in that?

You are in same situation as me , I pushed my partner into having a child they did not want , it's worked out fine but it's one hell of s risk to take with your marriage
You should have discussed kids before moving in together

So your only 24, been with a man who has only recently got divorced and have taken on the ‘mum’ role whilst he has his lie ins. I take it he is older than you given his history? Your young, he isn’t interested in your wants or needs , he doesn’t care that you may have long term issues with conceiving and keen to try for kids now. It’s all about his needs and wants. I would have your surgery and take time to reflect on this relationship

I think the problem here is that you have different priorities, your priority is having a baby before your window of opertunity closes but his priority is getting a house or going to uni basically providing for himself and his existing child.

You need to sit down with him and lay down the facts again and tell him what you want and where you stand. Write it out first if you need to clarify it to yourself.
You also need to know exactly where he stands on having more children and when so you can make an informed choice on how to proceed.
If he can't give you an answer then I'd be looking at other options.

His expectations of you and attitudes towards you looking after his DS after only living together are deeply unpleasant he makes zero allowances for your needs of tiredness

Please do not let your incredibly strong desire to have a child of your own convince you to stay with a man that is so selfish.

He is using you. You do not have to take equal parenting tasks on. The child has two parents who should be caring for him and as others have said you are an extra adult who is nice to him.

The thought that this is some sort of amazing trust or honour to be 'allowed' to look after him is only used to mask any thought that your partner should be grateful to you for doing things for his son.

Start pushing back. Answer No when he asks if you are going to get up with the son. Be busy during the school run so you can't do it.

I expect your current nice relationship will show cracks really quickly! When the previous 'future promising' doesn't work your partner will show his true colours.

If he wants another child with you then he would be clearly saying when that might happen. I expect he doesn't. Don't waste your time waiting for him to give you what he already has.

On my days off I'm expected to do all of it, school runs, food, Bath, story, bed. I honestly don't mind most of the time but with my issues I get so exhausted and anxious I do struggle and sometimes it's obvious sometimes it isn't its more the fact when he says things like "oh are you getting up with him tomorrow" when it's my one day for a rest or he isn't working in the morning it can be frustrating.

OMG.

You are being totally played.

Get over to the Step-parenting boards and post this, you'll have your eyes opened.

He's older than you, yes?

This is a story as old as time. Lazy entitled bloke suddenly finds himself divorced, oops, with a kid to look after on his own for the first time. Can't have that. Answer: butter up and draft in the first new woman available. Bonus points if she's younger and less experienced and he can spin it so it's a 'privilege' that she gets to do his parenting for him. Oh and be cagey about commitment and future kids... keep her hanging.

You AREN'T an equal parent.

You're the drudge so that he doesn't have to do HIS JOB of looking after HIS SON.

Dump this shit - you're 24, get rid and find yourself a good man who respects you and wants to start a family with you!

OK.
You're SO young at 24. That honestly even if you had horrific problems ttc, you've so much time to have success!

I am aware that they're unlikely to have offered all treatments available for endo. Please bear in mind this is a condition likely to stay with you for the next 30 years to menopause. So having a child would be simply a small window when not affected. So suggesting that there's nothing to ease it, is very simplistic. There ARE things that will most likely ease the condition.

Your issue right now, is really whether continuing the relationship of children are unlikely to be a part of the landscape. And probably the fact that you are quite obviously resentful about taking on the full parenting role whilst the father opts out...

I am afraid that right now I think that yabu to push wishing to ttc based on an absolute unknown situation. If there were chocolate cysts I would maybe think otherwise...

You’re 24!? Oh ok I can see why he’s not ready for another

You are being used

End relationship
Have surgery
Have a baby on your own

I just don't understand why young women would get with a man who already has kids. It's almost never a good idea...youre 24, go find someone who isn't divorced and has children!

It's never going to work. You're jealous and he's taking advantage, get out now before it's too late.

@BusyLizzie61
I have tried the coil - 10 days excruciating pain had to get it removed
I have tried the pill - constantly bleeding and constant pain
Depot injection - worked for the pain but has sent me crazy with anxiety and depression
Offered Zoladex - declined due to fears of how my body will react to it
The next offer has been the laproscopy
I know there are other treatments but feel like I've gone through enough trauma with it at the moment to then not take the opportunity to try and concieve after the lap when I've been told by my gynae ill be my most fertile I'd be fdaft to ignore that

@RandomMess

His expectations of you and attitudes towards you looking after his DS after only living together are deeply unpleasant he makes zero allowances for your needs of tiredness

Please do not let your incredibly strong desire to have a child of your own convince you to stay with a man that is so selfish.

I completely agree with this.

Your partner is already doing less than half of parenting his child as his mum has him the majority of the time. He should want to do most if not all of the parenting in the little time he has. Instead he is palming it off on you and making out like it's a treat for you.

I am a stepmum and we have my lovely DSD 50:50. My husband does all the school runs and all parenting apart from an activity I do with DSD that I suggested. He is a great Dad who actually wants to parent his child and if anything is upset that he only gets to do it half the time.

I really think you need to take a close look at your partner.

You have a chronic illness and he still gets you to do his share of parenting. Ask yourself if you'd do the same to him? I bet the answer is no.

Imagine when you do hopefully have a child if you're then only able to see them less than half the week. Would you leave all the parenting to someone else? Again, I bet the answer is no because you don't sound selfish and lazy.

You really deserve to be with someone who would treat you in the same way that you treat them.

It’s interesting you are not engaging with any of the comments about how he is ripping the piss out of your good nature. Do you feel this is how your role should be within the family set up? What has been your relationship role models? You seem so passive I wonder if you have odd and toxic family dynamics that have led you to normalise and tolerate this poor behaviour.

@Blanca87

At the end of the day I don't think he's taking the mick out of me, I think sometimes he doesn't appreciate the effort I put in but he is a good dad and we have him half and his mum has him half. I just feel like he's not hearing how I'm actually feeling and only considering his own thoughts and feelings which is disheartening. He is a good man and has done a lot to support me through my illness I'm just at a point where he can't give me a straight answer as to a time frame and I'm just drained sick of feeling exhausted, in pain and anxious all the time and sometimes he forgets how hard my job is when he works monday to Friday I most of the time do 48 hr shifts so when I come home I'm exhausted. It's not the ideal dynamic but I do love my step son and want to be involved but sometimes things get on top and you need to vent I'm not going to sit and say he is useless or taking advantage of me because I don't feel that he is but I feel he is being closed minded and not considering how I'm feeling

He is not a good man. A good person would not expect you to parent their child or insist you get up with their child when you are tired. They would make you feel heard, respected and valued.
The fact you are unable to see that highlights my original point.

Don’t wait for him to be ready. What if he never is? Tell him you are ready and if he isn’t then you will be doing it without him (whether that is on your own or with a new partner)