Childless Step parenting and wanting a child

[Loulou96x]

Being a step-parent can be incredible but also daunting. Once settled in and you have built a relationship with the child (my step son is only 6), things just become expected of you. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we chose to take on this responsibility when choosing our partner. But after a while you stop getting a "thank you" or "do you mind doing this", instead it is an automatic expectation. I adore my step son and he is so well behaved, but I am still learning, do I get irritated easily, yes. Do I snap sometimes, yes. Do I also make sure he's cared for, at school on time, has food on the table, gets love and affection. Also yes. But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards him. My whole life I have wanted to be a mother. I have two diseases which impact these chances for me. PCOS and endometriosis. I have been offered my first laproscopy, this also means my best chance of fertility is the 6 months after surgery. My partner has stated he isn't ready to try and has told me to get the surgery anyway. But after explaining that if I have the surgery I will want to try. I don't want to do the surgery without trying. He tells me he is not willing to try yet and he feels like I am pressuring him. I want to understand and I do get where he is coming from. But I also feel pressured by my conditions, although I am so ready. I just want to have that feeling, something I have created, to carry a child the feeling when you put them on your chest etc. I can't help but feel angry, he already has a son. I don't my step son will never call me mum he will always have his mum. I want this with him its just so hard for me I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I just feel so deflated. Please help.

I work about 3 days a week usually at least one being at a weekend

I bet he has his son on the weekends that you are not working only, so he can get you to do the grunt work on your weekend off. Why are you not angry at how you are being treated OP? He is using you, he wants to go to college and get a mortgage for a house, how does that work financially? Unless he is expecting YOU to pick up the mortgage tab solo as he becomes a mature student? So back to college, can't have that baby as reduced finances, graduate, can't have baby as job hunting, buy house, can't have baby as financial pressure of new home, that's ten years down the drain and no baby, ten years of you rearing his child and getting no closer to your own baby. Think on that.

I know how you feel. My DSD was 4 when I met her and she was delightful. But it was so hard because my husband at the time, he's now my exH had a vasectomy after she was born (premature and very poorly for a while) so I was expected to parent her when she was with us and then turn off the maternal feelings when she went home to her mum.
We did go on to have our own child following a successful vasectomy reversal but he took a long time to get to that point. You need to tell him how you feel.

You need to tell him how you feel.

She has.

He doesn’t care about her feeling, needs, wants, fertility or health - either right now or in the future.

This isn't about your DSS. You do everything for him. It's not his fault that he represents everything you want, because you can have that.... Just not with this man.

You're so young. And this sounds patronising, but I promise it's not. In 5 years or so, you'll look back at this thread, hopefully with your little one and a lovely partner, and wonder what the buggery fuck you were doing with this man

Ssslou -that’s a bit harsh! He’s told her to get the op of course he cares about her. Not being ready for a child is different to not caring. Don’t confuse the issue about him getting her to do his work with other issues or do you just hate all men?

He is NOT a good dad. He may be energetic and patient with his child but then that is much easier when other people are doing most of the parenting!

Just because you live together does not mean you have to all that you do for your dss. This sounds like he has done a right number on you.

I get that you didn't want a partner bashing but please have a think about what people are saying. From the outside it is pretty clear what is going on.

[quote Loulou96x]@Naunet

That he has already had a kid at a young age it was rushed and the relationship crumbled and she was horrendous to him. So I get the hesitation, he also wants to go to university but I have already studied, he said a factor is that we want to alter our career paths and are currently saving for a mortgage. So I do get his concerns. But we're both on decent wages and realistically with the health issues it's gonna be at least 20 months before there is even a child on the planet but he is still saying that is too soon.[/quote]
So the world owes him parenting? She was horrendous to him? I can't imagine why ? Why on EARTH do you want to procreate with someone who treats you like a domestic appliance and who's proven himself a totally shit excuse for a father?! Honestly.

His parent could use childcare to enable you to rest properly!!!

@Sssloou

He’s throwing having a child with you into the very very long grass....

wants to go to uni
save for a mortgage
change careers first

Assuming he’s not going to uni in Sept? ... so do the timelines for his long list could be a decade - how do you save for a mortgage (or get one) when you are raking up debt as a student in your 30s?

He’s “future faking” you - in order to get you to raise his child for him. I also agree with PP that 50% access was so that he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

He doesn’t want another child because he can’t manage the one he has.

This is a very good point.

If he wants uni first that will be 3 years minimum, then a change of career plus saving for a house, you could be well into your 30s by the time he's ready.

I think you should think about where you stand and then talk to him again and say when you want a baby by.

I would also make sure to say no to getting up/doing all the bed times etc when he's not at work. I understand you don't mind when he is at work (personally I would but as long as you actually don't mind and aren't just doing it because you feel you have to then it's your choice), but when he isn't he should be doing everything as you're already doing a heck of a lot more than most.

Don't be worried about saying no when he asks if you're getting up with him tomorrow or whatever. If he's as great of a partner and dad as you say he won't mind at all.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Mumbot345635 normally I would agree with everything you most wrote, however in a stepmum / stepchild & partner dynamic it is totally different.
Everything OP just wrote is so common and cliché about how women are treated by partners as a step”mother”.

You know when people discuss the script with regards to infidelity on the relationship board? Well this is the equivalent in stepparenting relationships.
It usually goes like this...

1. Love bomb the woman

1. “I’m a good man and would love to see my kids more but my nasty ex won’t let me”

1. Move the woman in, give vague promises of marriage and/or kids (sometimes they come true on these promises but the next few steps are incredibly common)

1. “Great! Now my kids can come more because you’ll help, won’t you?”

1. “You’re wonderful with my kids! Aren’t we just like a real family?”

1. Dad stops doing a lot of the actually parenting and leaves all the traditional “wife work” to the new partner

1. New partner gets exasperated when she realises her kind efforts are now expected and no longer appreciated. Stops doing some things for them that should have been the actual parents job anyway... think school runs, facilitating hobbies, doing homework, disciplining them etc

1. Stepmum starts asking for things that would make her happy and that were previously promised at the start of the relationship e.g. children/ marriage

1. Stepmum is accused of being resentful of the stepkids when she tries to assert herself and wants to have things that make her happy also... all the while taking on the drudgery of parenting someone else’s children.

10. Rinse and repeat.

This is the case in all situations with stepmums but it is an extremely common scenario that plays out in a lot of relationships where there’s a well meaning woman and a lazy father.[/quote]

Hahaha SpongeBob, you've got it in one! I went through ALL of those steps, however my step 10 is leaving, rather than repeating.

I'm luckier than most women who find themselves in this situation as I'm financially independent, and I have a great local support network, so will be just fine.

I've been slow in catching up on this thread, and just saw that you are only 24.

Make plans to leave as soon as you can OP, you have MUCH better options than this at your age.

He is not a good dad, op. And he is wasting your time.

Don't allow him to take your best opportunity for a child away.

He's not a good dad. He maybe does some of the fun stuff but little of the responsibility.

If he told you he would 100% never want another child would you stay with him?
If yes, then hopefully you will have a happy life together.
If no, then leave.