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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

419 replies

itsallaboutschmoo · 05/05/2021 16:53

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/05/2021 22:10

poppycat10
It doesn't happen that often, which is why it stands out if and when you see it.

It's why it's funny that there's loads of posters gasping at how awful it is that people hate parents communicating with their children, with a handful of funny 'my parenting must make you feel bad about yours' suggestions. That attitude probably goes hand in hand with having performance parenting tendencies.

TheKeatingFive · 05/05/2021 22:11

making sure everyone else can hear how impressive they and their children are?

And how does one do this?

motherloaded · 05/05/2021 22:12

I had never heard the term before coming on MN

Neither did I, but I definitively met the type. The expression makes perfect sense and fits so well.

Extra point when the kid is either completely uninterested or just far too young, or old enough to be obviously embarrassed or rolling his eyes.

Wasn't there a thread not so long ago about a performant parent teaching something completely wrong, and posters wondering if you should correct them or not.

aiwblam · 05/05/2021 22:13

I'd have said: he has special needs which include hearing problems. Plus he's my nephew, not my son and I'm trying to help him.

And watched the bitch squirm

Oly4 · 05/05/2021 22:15

What a cow, a misinformed one at that. You sound like a lovely aunt. Your nephew is going to have lovely memories of his time with you

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/05/2021 22:19

I’d have told her that she obviously reads to much on MN “hun” and to mind her own business as my nephew has communication issues that are nothing to do with her & to keep her judgmental knickers to herself.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/05/2021 22:20

Too much even!

SweatyPie · 05/05/2021 22:25

@LolaSmiles

poppycat10 It doesn't happen that often, which is why it stands out if and when you see it.

It's why it's funny that there's loads of posters gasping at how awful it is that people hate parents communicating with their children, with a handful of funny 'my parenting must make you feel bad about yours' suggestions. That attitude probably goes hand in hand with having performance parenting tendencies.

Not really. It's been suggested that pointing things out to your kids is PP. that's just ridiculous and sorry, but anyone who objects to that is insecure.

The only thing I count as PP is parents who are neglectful/abusive in private and pretend to be good around others. But that's people you know, not strangers.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 05/05/2021 22:34

I get the "loud person in the quiet carriage on the train" analogy but I can honestly say I don't see parents doing it with kids. They're usually all on their phones (and unlike a lot of MNers I am entirely happy with that if the kids stay quiet).

I wonder about this too...

I can keep my DC the quietest on a long train journey by plugging him into the Ipad with headphones and Peppa or Bing on repeat. He'll surface for a snack or a loo break every now and again but you won't even know he's there apart from that.

Or we can play I Spy or alphabet games for ages, drop crayons everywhere while we're colouring, make random things out of pipe cleaners with an ongoing commentary and much cheering, whisper in our 'quiet voices' about what we can see out of the windows and read stories aloud.

Why wouldn't fellow passengers prefer the small child plugged into the Ipad? Yes, too much screen-time is bad for children, but saving the screen-time for when you and your children are in a confined space with lots of other people all trying to pretend everyone else isn't there seems like a good idea. At least you don't have to listen to Peepo and The Three Little Pigs over and over again. Seems worth it to me.

Countrycode · 05/05/2021 22:40

I always have a chuckle when I see people getting defensive about performance parenting on here - you just know they're guilty of it! Grin

My sister is one of those, it's excruciating. So loud and her head on swivel to see who's watching her offspring (who are lovely by the way and the eldest is embarrassed by it already and she's only 5!) I love my sister but it really is a thing.

I had it on a train once before too. It was my first night out since having the DC and I had a rip roaring hangover. I wanted to enjoy the last two hours peace before going home to my toddlers when I got stuck beside a clown of a woman who kept trying to make her (clearly disinterested) two year old sing stupid songs and do her ABCs and basically be a performing monkey. Fucking grim. I moved seats. It indicates shite parenting to me as it's all for show and at that moment in time they're not in tune with their DC at all, just with their audience.

TheKeatingFive · 05/05/2021 22:42

I always have a chuckle when I see people getting defensive about performance parenting on here - you just know they're guilty of it!

Guilty of what exactly? Interacting with their children? I’m sure they’re all so ashamed.

TheKeatingFive · 05/05/2021 22:43

It indicates shite parenting to me as it's all for show and at that moment in time they're not in tune with their DC at all, just with their audience.

How bizarrely self involved to think that someone’s parenting is being done for your benefit.

Ohnomoreno · 05/05/2021 22:46

Welcome to the twat magnet that is taking kids anywhere. Seems to make a certain kind of person feel entitled to share their unsolicited opinions.

Mittens030869 · 05/05/2021 22:46

No it doesn’t mean that we’re guilty of it. I hate drawing attention to myself or my DDs, as I’m hopelessly self-conscious. It just means that I haven’t seen it. Or heard about it anywhere except on here. Literally.

Don’t be so quick to assume you know about people you’ve never met, just because they disagree with you.

Mittens030869 · 05/05/2021 22:47

How bizarrely self involved to think that someone’s parenting is being done for your benefit.

^This with bells on. Hmm

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 05/05/2021 22:49

It indicates shite parenting to me as it's all for show and at that moment in time they're not in tune with their DC at all, just with their audience.

I don't think it's shite parenting but I still wish they'd plug them into a phone or tablet. Hate people chatting endlessly on trains. Definitely unreasonable of me but imo the only acceptable family to sit next to on a train is one where there is at least one electronic device per child (so long as they have headphones!).

Badyboo · 05/05/2021 22:51

Yes! At the point you think someone's asking their child if they'd like prosciutto or chorizo for your benefit rather than as a genuine question, it's probably you who's quite self obsessed!

0gfhty · 05/05/2021 22:53

What an absolute weirdo this person is! Never heard of performance parenting how bizarre

DADZ · 05/05/2021 22:53

To be honest, Im almost 70, 7 kids, 2 starting their teens, and twins, and grandkids, so I kinda run the full gamut, and I had never heard of performance parenting. Of course I also dont know what DP is, looked it up and got "double penetrating", hmmm, is this one of those web sites??
Nor wibu, but apparently that has something to do with anime.
Anyways, you should have started doing signing to her, even if you dont know any just make it up. Then say, "oh, Im sorry, you dont understand signing, well I do because my nephew is deaf". IN A LOUD AND CLEAR VOICE, "so dont accuse me of performance parenting".
I really try to embarras people when they act like assholes in public.
We actually have alot more these days, because in my youth we had real serious problems like, "no you cant buy this house because you are black",,, or "a woman could never run a business on her own".

Mittens030869 · 05/05/2021 22:54

I think it’s more a lack of social awareness than ‘performance parenting’. They just don’t realise that people talking loudly on trains are annoying, whether parents and children, businessmen on their mobiles, etc.

ddl1 · 05/05/2021 23:54

I think it’s more a lack of social awareness than ‘performance parenting’. They just don’t realise that people talking loudly on trains are annoying, whether parents and children, businessmen on their mobiles, etc.

I agree. People do all kinds of things that can annoy or embarrass others, but it's far more commonly due to their being insufficiently aware of their effect on other people, and of their potential to attract notice, than to their trying to attract other people's attention.

Jazzy1814 · 06/05/2021 00:22

I wrote something very similar on here the other day about so called performance parenting. My ds has significant speech and understanding delays and is on the path to being diagnosed with autism. I have been told to speak to him in clear short sentences and to point things out to encourage speech, he also has an obsession with numbers and letters so we often go through these as he doesn’t have any back and forth communication, any way I get looks from parents at the park sometimes and it wasn’t until I saw on here that people think it’s “performance parenting” people must be so self obsessed to think that someone is parenting their child a certain way just for them to hear. No one knows my situation, no one knows it took 3 years to hear the word mummy or that my son can’t even ask for a snack. People should really think before they judge.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/05/2021 00:34

@donquixotedelamancha

My high school was attached to the school for the dead

Christ that sounds terrifying.

🤣 nothing to add but I’m really glad I swallowed my drink before reading this
stupidcomputer · 06/05/2021 01:39

She obviously doesn't give a shit about deaf/hard of hearing kids. Downright disability discrimination, but hey, she used one of the latest phrases (performance parenting) so she's obviously really cool. Sorry but I am not in the mood to be polite about this person. I wish to god my child had a relative like you, what I wouldn't give.......

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 06/05/2021 02:20

I’m so sorry this happened op it says more about you than her. Don’t give her another thought.

If it ever happens again, turn around and very loudly say ‘I’m not performance parenting, he’s deaf you daft Twat’

Some situations require extreme rudeness and this is one of them.

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