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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

419 replies

itsallaboutschmoo · 05/05/2021 16:53

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

OP posts:
mimi0708 · 06/05/2021 02:53

I really hate the term performance parenting. It's another way of just adding things to be worried or conscious about as a parent. As some PPs already mentioned no one knows the real situation. For sure some people do it for the sake of attention but how do you distinguish that from people who have kids who just really like to talk, interact, sing and point things out? Or have speech problems? So spare the judgment.

Embracingthechaos · 06/05/2021 03:06

She was a massive twat.

I hope a bird shat on her head later that day.

Embracingthechaos · 06/05/2021 03:11

Also, I have never heard of performance parenting. My eldest is almost 2 and very lively. If we are stationary I have to keep pointing at things and talking to her about them and asking her what colour it is, what noise it makes etc, or she will get ants in her pants and start climbing on things and throwing tantrums. I'm sure if I wasn't interacting with my energetic, tantrummy child then people would also be judging me for that.

You can't fucking win, can you?! Is there any acceptable way to parent? Perhaps hiding my children away in the house until they are 18?

Kokeshi123 · 06/05/2021 03:23

God, I really have heard it all now. So, now you HAVE to plug your child into a device in order for them to be acceptable on a train? Unbelievable. It's public transport, not the reading room in a library; people are allowed to talk. That includes parents and children.

"I mean, you really feel the need to correct a 1.5 year old from leopard to cheetah isn't performance parenting? " Why? If it is a cheetah, not a leopard, why can't she say this? Also, why do you get to be the world's arbitator on which words are acceptable to teach to children ("You MAY teach your child the word "leopard". You may NOT teach your child the word "cheetah." I've decided it's too much, based on a set of rules that I have just invented.")

memberofthewedding · 06/05/2021 03:26

Tapping random strangers on the shoulder and insulting them is a dangerous game

I once got into a conversation with some random male at a party. Suddenly he grabbed both of my wrists and held my hands to my sides, saying under his breath "Dont talk with your hands". I pulled one hand free and hit him full in the face with my clenched fist, yelling "Dont speak to me like that you dickhead!"

He was left standing in a circle of shocked onlookers all of whom assumed he had said something dirty to me. A few moments later the host arrived with two big mates, apologized to me and asked him to leave.

Always be prepared to lash back verbally.

Ridgere · 06/05/2021 04:00

If performance parenting really exists, then sure, it's stupid. Doing something for show, to impress others rather than what's best for your child would be horrible.

I doubt many people (if any) actually do that though. More likely it's just people feel insecure about their own parenting when they see parents who are highly involved or like teaching certain things, so they call it performance parenting to make themselves feel better.

Pixxie7 · 06/05/2021 05:25

Where do these sayings come from? It’s at times like this that I am glad mine are adults now.

ladygindiva · 06/05/2021 06:32

I love talking to my kids both at home and out and about. They are bright and had excellent language skills from very early on and I'm proud of that. Anyone who wants to call that performance parenting note I really couldn't give a shiny shit. Agree with pps this is another new way to make parents feel rubbish.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2021 06:51

@Pixxie7

Where do these sayings come from? It’s at times like this that I am glad mine are adults now.
I think there is a section for language and how it develops.
VestaTilley · 06/05/2021 06:55

She sounds like a nasty, jealous bitch. I hope you sent her away with a flea in her ear. You sound like a lovely Auntie: you did nothing wrong.

All this “performance parenting” stuff is yet another tool to beat women with. I speak loudly and clearly to my toddler all the time, because I want to engage him and teach him a wide vocabulary and good pronunciation. And you know what? It’s working.

I’d far rather be like that than a parent who just grunts one word answers to their child and sits with their head in their phone all day.

Absolutely do not change your behaviour because of this woman. Hope you’re ok Flowers

Wishing14 · 06/05/2021 07:01

I would carry on with the ‘performance’ and loudly talk to the child about how it’s nice to be nice and we don’t know what others are struggling with, so when they’re rude we should just leave them to it, they probably aren’t happy in their own lives. But I guess I’m just passive aggressive.

ouchyouchyow · 06/05/2021 07:07

She sounds awful and has a chip on her shoulder

What is performance parenting?

Stupid stupid woman.

Iamnotthe1 · 06/05/2021 07:21

Performance parenting used to just be called parenting. Now it's a term used to allow those who can't be bothered to interact/converse with their own children about the world around them to feel less guilty. I can't believe that we live in a world where it's genuinely seen as better to stick a kid on an iPad rather than talk about what's happening around you.

It's no wonder more and more children are starting Nursery/Reception behind in speech development.

Everyday21 · 06/05/2021 07:44

@Iamnotthe1

Performance parenting used to just be called parenting. Now it's a term used to allow those who can't be bothered to interact/converse with their own children about the world around them to feel less guilty. I can't believe that we live in a world where it's genuinely seen as better to stick a kid on an iPad rather than talk about what's happening around you.

It's no wonder more and more children are starting Nursery/Reception behind in speech development.

This in spades!
Jumanji89 · 06/05/2021 08:09

Its an absolute joke. I also talk and point things out to my toddler wherever we are be it a supermarket or a farm but it is certainly not for anyone elses benefit. Surely better than shoving youtube on a phone for him and ignoring them as I see all too often

Amdone123 · 06/05/2021 08:29

@Iamnotthe1, well said.

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 09:14

@Iamnotthe1

Performance parenting used to just be called parenting. Now it's a term used to allow those who can't be bothered to interact/converse with their own children about the world around them to feel less guilty. I can't believe that we live in a world where it's genuinely seen as better to stick a kid on an iPad rather than talk about what's happening around you.

It's no wonder more and more children are starting Nursery/Reception behind in speech development.

If it was true, any parent interacting normally with their child would be accused of performance parenting.

Funnily enough, many of us manage to parent and not make a show about it - and our kids do just fine Wink

I am very curious about the strong reactions: if you are not guilty of it, why do you take comments personally?

TheKeatingFive · 06/05/2021 09:16

Once again, what constitutes a ‘show’?

TheKeatingFive · 06/05/2021 09:21

I am very curious about the strong reactions: if you are not guilty of it, why do you take comments personally?

To answer this question, firstly it’s just another stick to beat parents with, when there are plenty of those to begin with. Most of what’s described as PP on here is just people doing their best.

Secondly, there have been at least 2 comments on here saying that the fear of this kind of judgement makes them self conscious as they interact with their kids in public. That’s shitty. I thought we were supposed to be in the bysinesss of making parents lives easier?

Mittens030869 · 06/05/2021 09:27

I am very curious about the strong reactions: if you are not guilty of it, why do you take comments personally?

Disbelieving that ‘performance parenting’ actually exists in real life doesn’t mean we’re taking it personally. 🤣

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 09:30

@Mittens030869

*I am very curious about the strong reactions: if you are not guilty of it, why do you take comments personally?*

Disbelieving that ‘performance parenting’ actually exists in real life doesn’t mean we’re taking it personally. 🤣

So if you haven't personally witnessed something (and it's doubtful, but maybe you are lucky), it cannot exist? Interesting self-centered view of the world, do you apply that for everything?
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 06/05/2021 09:37

@ladygindiva

I love talking to my kids both at home and out and about. They are bright and had excellent language skills from very early on and I'm proud of that. Anyone who wants to call that performance parenting note I really couldn't give a shiny shit. Agree with pps this is another new way to make parents feel rubbish.
This! My DSD is 6 and loves to talk, learn, explore new ideas etc and I’m sure I sound to some like I’m “performing” when we chat in queues. I think it’s sad that this is what people would think, rather than being happy to see an articulate, engaged, curious child.
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 06/05/2021 09:40

Wow, what a twat. I do genuinely wonder how these people sleep at night, I just couldn’t live with myself if I was such a bitch especially to strangers.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 06/05/2021 09:41

I could easily get accused of performance parenting too. My 2.5 year old loves chatting to me constantly as we walk to collect older DC from school. He asks a lot of questions and I answer them, sometimes give quite long winded responses because I love talking to him so much Grin.

CloudPop · 06/05/2021 09:42

How spectacularly rude of the other person in the queue.

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