Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

Another reason why parents might be seemingly ‘performance parenting’ when in a queue or in a restaurant/museum is that they’re desperately trying to prevent the child/children from tantrumming or running off and misbehaving. That would lead to even more tutting on the part of onlookers and with much more justification.

She is rude, carry on being a great aunty until your nephew tells you, you are embarrassing. I'm not familiar with this term, but it sounds like something that those who can't be arsed, say to those who can be arsed, to make themselves feel less crap. Spiteful.

Parents can’t win sometimes. If they allow their DC to play on their iPhones whilst waiting for a meal in a restaurant, they’re judged for not engaging with them. If they do engage with them, then it’s ‘performance parenting’.
Engaging with children isn't performance parenting.

The vast majority of parents manage just fine to talk to their children and engage them without putting on a show at the top of their voices, and then putting the wide eyed "but how can anyone object to parents talking to their children??? I'd rather talk to DC than ignore them/stand in silence/have them glued to technology/insert some other false dichotomy here".

I do know someone who performance parents and he has a very busy and important job so on the rare moments he spends time with his son he spends them bellowing "Miiiiloooo, what kind of brie shall we purchase next? Shall we then go to the charcuterie? Would you choose chorizo or paaaarma ham???" Whilst grinning and swivelling his head around him for audience reaction.

Communicating with a child with additional needs which is what you were doing is absolutely not the same - you were talking to your nephew not playing to the (utterly disinterested) crowd.

YANBU and sound like a lovely Auntie, ignore her she was out of order.

When anyone accuses you of performance parenting , what they really mean is...
' Don't talk to your child in a way that makes me feel bad about my parenting''

Most people talking to their children in an 'educational' way are trying to help their children understand the world and are not doing to to show off to others they really aren't . The worst thing they might sometimes be accurately accused of is being a bit self absorbed which most people are most of the time and is in fact the opposite of performance anything; also maybe talking a bit to loudly in public (in this case the op.has a very good reason for even this )

I think if you complain about ' performance parenting ' it says much worse things about you than the person you are complaining about

I had never heard the term before coming on MN so l hope she is the same and sees this thread.
Stupid woman.

@donquixotedelamancha

Wow, you met a genuine MN Hyacinth in the wild!

Just imagine how much worse it could have been if she lived next door and your children had a trampoline.

People need to just butt out and stop worrying about what other people are doing. If someone is so insecure they want to shout out the periodic table to their children so I'll overhear and be impressed then so what? I'll just ignore them and get on with my own life. As this story shows you don't know what's going on in someone else's family so concentrate on your own kids and don't worry about how anyone else is interacting with theirs.

@bumblingbovine49

I agree with you. This is definitely true of my DM, she can certainly seem like a ‘performance grandparent’ when with my DDs. But she genuinely isn’t bothered about impressing random strangers. (She can be annoying, but she isn’t guilty of that.)

YANBU Should have told her to F off. Who is embarrassed? Your nephew wasn't and you were talking to him. If she wasn't so involved in your affairs she wouldn't have a problem! Don't let it affect you OP

Should’ve told her to go fuck herself!

I love a bit of performance parenting - it's very amusing - why take it to heart so much, better that than screaming and whacking the kids.

Every time I read about performance parenting on here it makes me self-conscious. I talk with her a lot and try to help her to learn. I speak the same way when we are inside with no one around so it's definitely not a performance.

Yes, I agree with the above.

So sorry this happened to you OP my DS was very slow to speak and was being investigated for hearing issues. I did and continue to do what you have done today, I was also advised by SALT to repeat back to DS what he had said but clearly and correctly to help him develop. I also self taught him Makaton and signed (which post Covid and masks has helped a lot!). I have had many comments some have reduced me to tears privately, I appreciate it may look/sound like it's performance parenting but unless you know the situation I don't think anyone should judge. My choice response to these incidents now is "if you have nothing nice to say do the world a favour and say nothing" whilst signing the same to my DS who then does the Makaton sign for unkind/naughty to the person - it's a small thing but I do smile when I see them blush 😁.

My Dad is probably perceived as a performance Grandparent by those around him when out with my DC but he isn't, he's just very knowledgeable about many things, articulate and pretty loud.

Please don’t let people like her shake your confidence. I wish you’d done even more “performance” after she spoke to you

So many miserable bastards in the world. You’re not allowed to explain anything to your child or try to educate them if you’re in public? Everyone should just just be silent? Ok then

Genuinely confused as to how pointing out something of interest can be performance parenting? If that's the case, I'm definitely guilty!

Although I got accused of it the other day for high fiving toddler DS while he was on the swing. It makes him laugh, which makes me laugh, and I couldn't give a fancy fuck what anyone else thinks about that tbh!

Ignore! Sounds like you're an excellent auntie!

The vast majority of parents manage just fine to talk to their children and engage them without putting on a show at the top of their voices, and then putting the wide eyed "but how can anyone object to parents talking to their children

I'm not sure I've ever seen the behaviour you describe and I live in a "naice" middle class aspirational area where you'd probably expect parents to behave that way.

@BeefSupreme

So many miserable bastards in the world. You’re not allowed to explain anything to your child or try to educate them if you’re in public? Everyone should just just be silent? Ok then

It's not an 'if or but' situation. People are perfectly capable of conversing with their children without making it a show. And some parents absolutely do make it a show. Once whilst in our local town, some tutoring company had set up a stand, including educational displays. I found my husband getting our poor 3 year old to read out all the flash words and such they had set up, which in turn lead to a 20 minute mix of them trying to sell lessons to my toddler, and my husband increasingly trying to show off why our toddler should be running a class himself. All I wanted was some window shopping and a pasty!

(I love him dearly by the way, he can just get quite loud and a bit of a show off about how much he knows).

Every time I read about performance parenting on here it makes me self-conscious. I talk with her a lot and try to help her to learn. I speak the same way when we are inside with no one around so it's definitely not a performance
I wouldn't feel self conscious. Contrary to the inevitable repeated cries that people hate parents speaking to their children, people think families should be standing in silence, and so on, almost nobody has an issue with parents talking to children.

To draw a comparison, many people will take phonecalls in public, people will speak at different volumes within a fairly typical range, but every now and then you get a man (and it is usually a man) on a train who thinks the whole damn carriage wants to hear "yeah yeah, we need to touch base about that strategy portfolio, and get onto Mike about that networking event, we need the venue firming up pronto, I'm on a train to London, yeah conference with lead strategic blue sky thinkers.. yeah yeah, well you just tell Lee to forward that to Debbie and then tell accounts to do some top notch finance by end of play". Aka Look at me with my big important job, I'm doing successful things and can give orders in management speak to people.

Most people would think he should give it a rest because nobody cares and it's annoying listening to someone jabber on thinking they're the bees knees.

If we took the inevitable replies on a performance parenting thread though, you'd be forgiven for thinking that obviously this man wasn't at all being loud, obnoxious or trying to show he's got a big important job, because he's obviously very clever, super accomplished in his role, people are probably feeling jealous or insecure being in his presence, and it's a sad state of affairs when people begrudge someone simply making a phone call when we should all sit in perfect silence at all times.

When anyone accuses you of performance parenting , what they really mean is...
' Don't talk to your child in a way that makes me feel bad about my parenting''

nice try, but no.

You know it's not that

What does ‘making it a show’ mean?

I dunno, making sure everyone else can hear how impressive they and their children are?

I get the "loud person in the quiet carriage on the train" analogy but I can honestly say I don't see parents doing it with kids. They're usually all on their phones (and unlike a lot of MNers I am entirely happy with that if the kids stay quiet).