Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

I don't understand why some people are so nasty and appear to actually get off by nearly ruining someone else's day. We've all had a crap year and I'm not wanting to spout the Be Kind initiative, but is it too much to ask to be civil to each other ?

You sound like a brilliant aunty op and your nephew is lucky to have you.

The woman was a bitch.

Those criticising are probably just jealous that their own child would rather watch a screen than talk to their parent about anything interesting

bingo

Pretty sure that fit my previous post

She must be a miserable piece of excrement to have said that to a complete stranger who was doing nothing worse than keeping a young child entertained.

Maybe she found you annoying, but so what?! She wasn't going to be standing next to you for much longer, and you were doing no harm. She, on the other hand, was pointlessly rude and aggressive. She just had to share the toxic sludge of her "personality" with the rest of the world! It tells us everything we need to know about her. I pity her poor children. What a fine example she's setting for them!

Theme park queues seem to bring out the worst in people. My child is autistic and we get easy access passes/ride access pass most theme parks. Most places you still have a wait but not in main queue. Once at LEGOLAND I had a lady behind me very loudly saying to her husband what were people teaching children that they could pay in order to queue jump, really wish I’d said something at the time.

What an awful thing to say to someone. Sorry you had that experience

So speaking clearly to a child with communication difficulties is ‘performance parenting’ in your eyes?

I think the point was that the woman might not have realized that the child did have communication difficulties. Even so, it was nasty behaviour.

Also, even under other circumstances, I think a lot of so-called 'performance parenting' is really the product of embarrassment rather than showing off. The 'performing' parent is thinking, 'Oh dear, everyone must be looking at my noisy/ stubborn/ inattentive child; I have to prove that I'm trying to manage the situation, and am not completely ignoring my child'. It would be better if parents (and others!)could ignore other people's opinions and just act naturally, but it's not always that easy.

I go through (short) periods of parenting which could be interpreted as "performance parenting". DC age 3 is really into Oi Frog atm so, while we were waiting in the ice-cream queue at the weekend, we were making up things for everything around us to sit on. I guess that could have been interpreted as performance-y.

Tbh, I couldn't care less. Some days I stick DC in front of the TV for hours because I have work to finish off. Other times, I hand over my phone so he can watch videos for a bit of peace and quiet. Sometimes I'm shouty, grumpy mummy. A year of no childcare help from family/babysitters and DC home from nursery self-isolating for long periods, combined with an insanely busy workload for my job, has left me drained. I don't have a lot to give him right now. So if I do manage to summon the energy to interact, I couldn't care less about the opinion of some wanky stranger who thinks they're being clever.

Correct response to that sort of comment is ODFOD (if you can get away with it without the little ones hearing).

What a witch! And tapping a stranger on the shoulder in order to tell them off is totally inappropriate at any time, and especially during Covid restrictions!

As someone who was guilty of some PP myself this certainly sounds like it to me. I'm just grateful I copped onto what a tit I was being before someone else pointed it out to me.

lady behind me very loudly saying to her husband what were people teaching children that they could pay in order to queue jump

that it pays off to work hard at school and chose a good job, you should try it,

would have been my answer

Performance parents and anyone who think people actually care about their opinion are so easy to wind up!

@Allwokedup

What a bitchy she was. You sound like a great aunt and your DN are lucky to have you.

Exactly what I wanted to say. She should be ashamed to be so gratuitously mean to someone she doesn’t even know. I hope she’s on Mumsnet to see what people think.

"I'd quite you to spare us the performance during queuing"

Would have been my reply alongside a steady glare!

That is not even performance parenting. That would have been asking to him the dinosaur was called, asking him to spell it and praising him massively.

Bloody hell she was rude.

Parents can’t win sometimes. If they allow their DC to play on their iPhones whilst waiting for a meal in a restaurant, they’re judged for not engaging with them. If they do engage with them, then it’s ‘performance parenting’.

I know that that’s a simplistic interpretation of attitudes towards parenting these days, but sometimes it feels as if we can’t win.

As I said earlier, I don’t understand the interest in other people’s parenting? Yes, there will be parents who are annoying, same as people speaking loudly into their mobiles on the train used to be. Or loud, drunk adults in pubs.

Come on, it's pretty obvious if you are interacting normally with your child or making a loud fuss to impress the world on how amazing you are.

No it isn't always obvious. A parent could be loud out of spontaneous enthusiasm; to distract the child from possible misbehaviour; out of embarrassment; or even because they themselves have a slight hearing impairment and are not aware of how loud they sound. And right now, many people - both children and adults -are probably less 'socially aware' than usual about who might or might not be listening to them, because they've spent months in lockdown. Not all actions - not even all actions that happen to annoy someone - are done out ofdesire to show off!

The world doesn't care and the world would appreciate if you could keep it down.

If the world doesn't care, it could mind its own business. And the world would appreciate keeping down all forms of obtrusive behaviour! Tapping strangers on the shoulder in public is much more inappropriate and annoying than speaking a bit loudly (I'm not talking about shouting) with your own child.

You were probably distracting her from her ‘phone.

I hate people like that. They just assume the worse. If someone was talking really loud I'd think the child could be deaf especially if I hadn't seen them speak back. Or there could be a million other reasons rather than they're trying to make people around them feel bad. If you assume that about strangers it suggests you have issues.

She's an idiot. I hope your DN had a nice day. He's lucky to have you.

but why do you need an audience?

What audience?! I can't believe anyone is so self centred as to think people talk to their kids just to impress strangers.

Unless their frequently glancing up at you??

I genuinely wonder- do some of you feel guilty about not interacting with your kids the way these parents do? Do you secretly feel like you should be talking to your kids more?

I don't get how else you'd even notice this, let alone be bothered by it.

I've never really got the whole PP thing. I behave the same whether there's an audience or not but I imagine I could definitely sound like a PP. I don't do it for anyone elses benefit tho.

That woman needs to ram it and I wish she'd tried it with me as she would have got a very performance worthy response.

I think anyone accusing someone else of performance parenting is a dick. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with talking to your child in public and/or discussing things with an educational angle.

You were probably distracting her from her ‘phone.

I would have just said - ‘oh he’s not my child’ and carried on 😁

I think the roller skates Dad sounds creative, little children love that kind of interaction IME.