Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

@motherloaded

No, I don’t think that’s fair. I’ve said that I’ve seen plenty of people being annoying and loud in public, including parents and children. I just don’t believe that they’re doing it because they’re showing off to random strangers. To me, it seems rather self-centred to think that it is for your benefit.

I’m more inclined to believe that they lack awareness of other people around them.

Do you think your view of the world is always the right one?

I am just not so disingenuous that I pretend I can't see the difference between parents normally interacting and talking with their kids, like most people do and performance parents.

In the same way that I don't pretend I can't understand the difference between supportive parents and pushy parents.

I don't pretend that you must be either a performant parent or a neglectful one who ignore and abandon their kids

I am just not so disingenuous that I pretend I can't see the difference between parents normally interacting and talking with their kids, like most people do and performance parents.

What is the criteria for PP though? Isn't it obvious that 'normal' interaction with children might take a range of different forms?

I don't pretend that you must be either a performant parent or a neglectful one who ignore and abandon their kids

No one's saying that though. I'd just love some objective criteria as to what is PP and what isn't.

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

so many threads, so easy to find...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3025551-To-ask-about-performance-parenting

Okay, I see that you’re convinced that you can read people’s minds. But actually, you’re projecting your own interpretation onto their behaviour.

For example, my DH loves to talk to our DDs about trains when we’re at a heritage railway or at York Railway Museum. You might think that he’s ‘performance parenting’. But he certainly isn’t, he isn’t bothered about what random strangers think about his parenting or his knowledge about trains. (He’s a civil engineer so he is knowledgeable.)

What I’m disputing is your assumption that you know what parents’ motivations are. Because you don’t, not really.

@skirk64

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

sorry what?

are you on the wrong thread? Why would performance parenting need to be challenged?!

so many threads, so easy to find

In my experience, no one ever gets to an objective criteria on these. But why don’t you have a stab, I’d love to hear it.

But actually, you’re projecting your own interpretation onto their behaviour.

Exactly. I don’t see anything objectionable about talking about chorizo (or whatever it was) myself, to refer back to an earlier example. I certainly don’t think the man was doing it for the benefit of strangers on the street, that strikes me as such an odd conclusion. That’s my interpretation.

What I’m disputing is your assumption that you know what parents’ motivations are. Because you don’t, not really.

Again exactly. It’s impossible to know this. Because that would be mind reading.

And also, it’s clear from this thread that it really is possible to get the wrong end of the stick. Like in the OP’s case. Her DN is deaf and non-verbal, which was the reason for the way she was communicating with him.

Perhaps you’re wrong about some of the other incidents that you’ve witnessed?

@Exhausted4ever I agree! I’ve only just found out about performance parenting (on mumsnet) but I really think it’s just people being snarky and bitchy.

OP - you did nothing wrong. Some people are the worst.

mother
I am very curious about the strong reactions: if you are not guilty of it, why do you take comments personally?

I don't take it personally at all. This trend of accusing others of performance parenting annoys me because it's being used to excuse inactive parenting. Inactive parenting absolutely impacts negatively on children.

The question could be easily rephrased: if you are comfortable in your own parenting, why the need to accuse others of performing?

The 1st response on that thread you've linked says

For a start, normal parents tend to shush their kids or ask them to be quieter in public when they have a chat.

If that's a reasonable definition of performance parenting, then yes, I am one. I'm not going to shush my child for daring to talk (not shout) in public.

For a start, normal parents tend to shush their kids or ask them to be quieter in public when they have a chat.

What a sad expectation.

If PP is talking to your kids in public then consider me out and proud.

Who in the fuck has the confidence and audacity to do this!? She sounds awful.

I often think I come across as a performance parent when I’m with my granddaughter. She’s learning to talk so I point stuff out to her and say the names clearly .. “oh look, it’s a DOG ... can you say DOG? DOG ... oh look that’s a pretty FLOWER! It’s a RED FLOWER! And look, there’s a YELLOW FLOWER ... “

It’s for her benefit, nobody else’s and luckily I don’t give a shit what people think

That woman was pretty narcissistic to think that OP's conversation with her DN was actually a performance meant for her. She was a nasty bitch for commenting on it to the OP.

She was a dick. I would probably be a used of performance parenting too. I just call it parenting, I hate it when people ignore their children.

Before any of you start, I'm not doing it to show off, just interacting with my child.

She’s a cunt. Simple as that.

No matter what we think of other people it is NOT appropriate to lean over and fucking tell them without any invitation or prompt.

Fuck her, hope she steps on a plug. What an unhappy troll she must be

She's rude and stupid. Anyone in their right mind doesn't stop PPing if it really happens, it's far too entertaining. Nothing I love better than being witness to PPing unless it's being asked to clap when a shit in a potty has been achieved. In a plane.

Fuck her, hope she steps on a plug. What an unhappy troll she must be

"Hope she steps on a plug" that hilarious, I hope you don't mind me stealing it for future use.

Fuck her, hope she steps on a plug

Love it

unless it's being asked to clap when a shit in a potty has been achieved. In a plane

That is batshit

She had a go at you for engaging with a child in a positive way, wtf?!

What a nasty and unnecessary thing to say. If I had been in that queue I would only have been judging one of the parents and it wouldn't have been you.

@TheKeatingFive

unless it's being asked to clap when a shit in a potty has been achieved. In a plane

That is batshit

I did this during potty training (only at home). I guess it's just be then...