Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

Even a judge looks at an offender’s character.

This is MN, not a courtroom.

And I don't know the boy's character, because I don't know him, I only know the girl's character. Hence me not giving my opinion until later in the thread. That's not a drip feed

The apology from the children becomes irrelevant.

Your husband turned up on her doorstep, angry.

Your daughter wasn't maliciously pushed to the floor, they collided and yes he should have apologised but seven year olds aren't great at apologising.

This would have been a brilliant opportunity to take her to school the next morning and encourage her to speak to the teacher about what had happened. What happens in school should stay in school.

That poor woman. How long ago was she widowed? Turning up on someone's doorstep is a violation, this isn't 1970 anymore. You would hate it if your boss/colleague turned up at your door. Her home is her place of sanctuary and that was violated by a strange man turning up demanding she brings her son to the door to apologise for something she has only the word of a seven year old even happened.

Do better, OP.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

And to clarify - no threats were made from what I understand and my friend's DH wasn't unkind or unpleasant. But there mere act of him coming to the door of a woman he knew lived alone with her son - in a situation where she didn't realise he knew where she lived - to demand something, seemingly pissed her off.

I can definitely understand that. Men have deliberately intimidated me. He should not have gone round.

Sorry I've just re-read and realised he's not your husband and she's not your daughter! My bad!

Completely inappropriate to bring this home. It should have been dealt with at the time by the school. It happened on their premises and under their care and, for all they knew, it had already been resolved and the girl wasn't satisfied.

The parents had no idea what had happened, other than the girl's version of events. They should have referred back to the school and let the teachers investigate and deal with it.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

And to clarify - no threats were made from what I understand and my friend's DH wasn't unkind or unpleasant. But there mere act of him coming to the door of a woman he knew lived alone with her son - in a situation where she didn't realise he knew where she lived - to demand something, seemingly pissed her off.

I can definitely understand why. I wouldn't have been happy to have him at my door either if I lived alone with my child. It's could be intimidating to her even though he wasn't unkind or unpleasant.

Do better, OP.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter it's not my child!

We used to play British Bulldog at Brownies (so ONLY 7/8/9 yo girls) and there was shoving-a-plenty! And we all thought it was brilliant.

As long as children who don’t like that sort of physical play aren’t being coerced into joining in, parents (and teachers) should let them get on with it.

That poor woman. How long ago was she widowed?

Last year, he died of COVID apparently

If a girl says she was pushed she should be believed. Pushing doesn’t happen by accident
When I worked at a junior school, I remember an incident when a child who had a quite nasty fall while running insisted that another child had pushed them. Except that I was standing with another member of staff a few yards away and could see clearly that the other child had been too far behind to even touch the first one, and the cause of the accident was that the child's shoe had been undone and came half off and they tripped. But they were genuinely and totally convinced that they had been pushed and terribly upset not to be believed.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Even a judge looks at an offender’s character.

This is MN, not a courtroom.

And I don't know the boy's character, because I don't know him, I only know the girl's character. Hence me not giving my opinion until later in the thread. That's not a drip feed

Yes, hence the use of the word ‘even’, to show this is not a courtroom.

You know the girl’s character, so that would have been pertinent information.

@voovayclickwot yes I agree. As a single mum, I feel like I have to be on my guard about my own house a bit more than when I was married. Simply because if anything happened, no one is coming home at 5pm to find my body (dramatic I know but it does go through one's head). Even a slight or short man turning up at my door would unnerve me. But a big bloke, even a kind and polite one, would piss me off no end. A PP hit the nail on the head - some men don't realise how they come across to women

Mum is not being unreasonable as I'd feel very intimidated if someone just showed up to my door like that

Last year, he died of COVID apparently
Wow. I can see why your friend was bursting with pride about her husband and brat turning up on the doorstep demanding an apology.

You know the girl’s character, so that would have been pertinent information

Not really - I was trying to stick to facts not opinions. Like I said my view is probably coloured by the fact this child has made claims out of context before about my kids so thought it was better to lay out facts rather than add my opinion on her character

All that over kids playing. He need to wind his neck in. Isn't he Mr Macho intimidating a women on her own. Put him against a man, though. I bet itd be a completely different story altogether.

The daughter just had a life lesson and watched a single mum stand up for herself and say no, shame her parents aren't teaching her better.

Would he like a big burly man intimidating his his wife, and it was intimidation. He's on about 7 year being a bully. Pathetic nasty little man.

The dad is definitely in the wrong. If she was that upset at being 'shoved she would have told a teacher or midday supervisor. They were playing a rough game and it happens. The fact she asked her dad to go round shows she's manipulative tbh and they are definitely in the wrong.

@Howyoudoingirl

Wow, so they are teaching her to stand up for herself by having a man go round to a woman's house & intimidate her on her doorstep?. If anything they should have gone via the teacher.

I was going to say exactly this. He sounds like an aggressive bully who enjoys intimidating women. No wonder his daughter isn’t good at sticking up for herself with a father like that.

He should empower his daughter to learn what to do in situations like this. Stick up for herself and alert a teacher. Not go run crying to Daddy so he can go an scare a widow and a little boy at their own home after school.

I can imagine primary school teachers agree when I say playtimes are rougher than you think - generally boys and girls at that age are the same height and build. Boys shove boys. Girls shove boys. Girls shove girls. Boys shove girls. It's ridiculous to get in a flap over just one sex shoving the other. These are children for crying out loud!

I have two primary aged children; can confirm that every single playtime with more than 3 kids involved someone gets shoved at some point Not that often with malice, but lots of excitement, boisterousness, competitiveness, complete inability to gauge physical strength at that age, and sometimes irritation with each other...it would be odd if it didn't happen, surely?

And children need to learn (and be helped to learn) how to deal with it in the moment, not get their dad to complain about it later. Can't quite believe he went round and demanded an apology

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@voovayclickwot yes I agree. As a single mum, I feel like I have to be on my guard about my own house a bit more than when I was married. Simply because if anything happened, no one is coming home at 5pm to find my body (dramatic I know but it does go through one's head). Even a slight or short man turning up at my door would unnerve me. But a big bloke, even a kind and polite one, would piss me off no end. A PP hit the nail on the head - some men don't realise how they come across to women[/quote]
It can be intimidating when you know the man is friendly. My mum asked me to speak to her next door neighbour about something. The front door was already open so as this 6ft burly man walked over to me, as I waited outside, I instinctively took a step back. I was annoyed at myself but actually it’s understandable.

Good on the boy’s mum. The dad sounds a right prat for not stopping to think and going round gung-ho.

I’m in my fifties and remember my neighbour coming to the door to complain that I hit her son. Too bloody right I walloped him!

This was outside of school and I was around 10 and he was 2 years older and had been picking on my best friend who was in tears and terrified of him. I stepped in and socked him on the jaw. He was stunned and ran off crying to his mam. My dad mildly told me off in front of the neighbour for hitting the boy, but I knew he was proud of me for defending my best pal. I still think he should have told her to ‘oppit.

A seven year old girl “gets” her dad to take her to the boy’s house after school in order to make him apologise.

Hmm chinny reckon.

Horrendous behaviour by the Dad! You just don’t go round to someone’s house when your child get shoved in the playground - what an enormous overreaction. Also how could you possibly be teaching your child to stand up for themselves by taking your Dad round to the boys house after school 😂