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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

513 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 00:43

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 05/05/2021 09:13

I don’t think going round to a woman’s house like a heavy is teaching anything other than how to intimidate someone. This should have been dealt with at school. The dad is way out of line and must have known how this visit would have been perceived.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/05/2021 09:14

Talk about a storm in a tea-cup. Even the idea of 'reporting' this to the school like it's some big drama. If this boy was consistently bullying or being 'violent' as some here would have it, that would be a different thing, but a one off shove, unless it resulted in real injury, Id be embarrassed to report it.

Nogoodusername · 05/05/2021 09:14

Oh my goodness, the Dad was way out of line! You can’t turn up at someone’s house and demand an apology about something that happened at a year 2 playtime. He should have called the school, or practiced telling a teacher with his daughter

Holly60 · 05/05/2021 09:15

The little boy should be encouraged to apologise but the dad was in the wrong completely. What does it teach the children? 1. To the girl: Girls don’t need to learn to be assertive, they need a big intimidating man in their life to protect them.

  1. To the boy: When you grow up it will be acceptable to use your size and sex to demand things you want.

Good on the mum for refusing to allow this. She should talk to her son about what happened and why and hopefully he will choose to apologise to the little girl in a safe neutral place.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 09:15

@EverythingRuined

Do kids still play cops and robbers? 👀
Yes and according to my 8yo, British bulldog too Grin I was very pleased to hear classic playground games are still on the go. It also explains the filthy uniform 🤣
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/05/2021 09:16

And most importantly they are 7 not 17. Kids shove and push.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 05/05/2021 09:16

This is a situation for school to deal with. Children do get some knocks when playing things like cops and robbers. The extent to which on purpose or accidental is difficult to know though.

Dad going around like that is threatening and not something he should do. He only has his daughter's perspective on a 'shove' during a game.... He is not teaching a great message here at all.

JustLyra · 05/05/2021 09:16

Dad’s going to be knocking on a lot of doors if he’s going to get involved in every moment his 7yo complains about another child.

That will not help his DD’s popularity with other parents or kids.

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2021 09:16

Ooow bulldog can get heated, esp when your 7 Grin

voovayclickwot · 05/05/2021 09:17

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

If this was a woman being pushed and saying she was pushed would you have the same response? No? Well that’s how men are allowed to grow to into abusers.

Well I guess the equivalent would be me agreeing to take part in a game of touch rugby or similar, and complaining someone touched me as part of the game

False equivalence. We played with boys all the time at that age and I was never shoved. It’s not normal to get shoved.
Hankunamatata · 05/05/2021 09:17

God help her if she ever plays football in the playground

Nogoodusername · 05/05/2021 09:18

Goodness, if I was the mum I would be informing the school that a parent came around to my house about an incident that happened in school time and I found this intimidating. I am genuinely wtf. My husband wouldn’t do this in a million years but I would be beyond enraged with him if he did!

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 09:19

Epic drip feed

That's not a drip feed, that's additional information 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 09:20

@SoupDragon

I don't think it is drip feeding at all. Those things are the OP's personal opinions and would have put a bias on the answers.
Which is why I didn't say my connection (not that it was relevant as in neither party) in my OP
OP posts:
SoupDragon · 05/05/2021 09:21

It is when all we have to go by is what the OP tells us.

Nope. It's still just a personal opinion.

anon12345678901 · 05/05/2021 09:23

[quote voovayclickwot]@anon12345678901 can you not understand that by using the word ‘accidentally’ you’ve already made the assumption that any pushing was accidental?[/quote]
Can you not understand pushing can be an accident and if I made that assumption I would have said she was? It is a game in a playground, yes the pushing may have been accidental, I don't know. It may have been deliberate. There was no assumption made as to whether it was deliberate or not. You need to read full posts, not just a word Confused

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/05/2021 09:23

If the kid can't cope with being shoved when playing cops and robbers then she shouldn't be playing it.... Her dad needs to work on tecaching her how to be more resilient instead of indulging such nonsense.

I remember similar parents getting British bulldog banned from the playground back in the 80s because little Catrina didn't like all the pushing and shoving. Ridiculous. Hmm

Cadent · 05/05/2021 09:23

@SoupDragon

It is when all we have to go by is what the OP tells us.

Nope. It's still just a personal opinion.

Nope, it’s context. Even a judge looks at an offender’s character.
theleafandnotthetree · 05/05/2021 09:23

@voovayclickwot. You and all of your school must be cut from a different cloth to the rest of us barbarians because there was some mighty pushing and shoving in my school days. Very enjoyable most of it Grin. It is inherent in young animals of all kinds to play physically and for it to get a bit rough sometimes - has no one ever watched pups or kittens playing or watched a nature documentary on primates. Of course we have to keep a lid on it as best we can for all sorts of reasons but it is entirely 'natural' behaviour.

voovayclickwot · 05/05/2021 09:24

Can you not understand pushing can be an accident and if I made that assumption I would have said she was? It is a game in a playground, yes the pushing may have been accidental, I don't know. It may have been deliberate. There was no assumption made as to whether it was deliberate or not. You need to read full posts, not just a word confused

I read your full post, you are being disingenuous about you posted. You know you implied the shoving was accidental.

Pinkyavocado · 05/05/2021 09:26

I agree with the mum, kids do get shoved. The girl should have told the school. It’s not right for her father to go to their house, for something that happened in school.

The girl isn’t sticking up for herself. She’s getting her dad to do it for her.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 09:26

We played with boys all the time at that age and I was never shoved. It’s not normal to get shoved.

I highly doubt you remember every single playtime from your childhood in that great detail.

I can imagine primary school teachers agree when I say playtimes are rougher than you think - generally boys and girls at that age are the same height and build. Boys shove boys. Girls shove boys. Girls shove girls. Boys shove girls. It's ridiculous to get in a flap over just one sex shoving the other. These are children for crying out loud!

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 05/05/2021 09:27

@voovayclickwot

Can you not understand pushing can be an accident and if I made that assumption I would have said she was? It is a game in a playground, yes the pushing may have been accidental, I don't know. It may have been deliberate. There was no assumption made as to whether it was deliberate or not. You need to read full posts, not just a word confused

I read your full post, you are being disingenuous about you posted. You know you implied the shoving was accidental.

I'm bored now, you're choosing to read into what I have said, despite me explaining to you that is not what I meant. I have said I did not say it was an accident or not as we do not know.
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 09:27

And to clarify - no threats were made from what I understand and my friend's DH wasn't unkind or unpleasant. But there mere act of him coming to the door of a woman he knew lived alone with her son - in a situation where she didn't realise he knew where she lived - to demand something, seemingly pissed her off.

OP posts:
voovayclickwot · 05/05/2021 09:28

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@voovayclickwot. You and all of your school must be cut from a different cloth to the rest of us barbarians because there was some mighty pushing and shoving in my school days. Very enjoyable most of it Grin. It is inherent in young animals of all kinds to play physically and for it to get a bit rough sometimes - has no one ever watched pups or kittens playing or watched a nature documentary on primates. Of course we have to keep a lid on it as best we can for all sorts of reasons but it is entirely 'natural' behaviour.[/quote]
No such luck, I went to an inner city comp!

We played tag with the boys. I remember hurtful things (un-reciprocated crushes, left out of a party invite etc), but there was no shoving.

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