Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

The dad should not have gone.
The boy should have apologised but yes, it should have been dealt with AT school BY the school, not brought home.

However, since it was brought home, and the family of the girl knew that Thomas lived with his widowed mother only, then it wouldn't have been anything like as bad if the girl's mother had gone with her.

But a 6' burly man? that's ridiculous and yes, Thomas' mother was well within her rights to tell him off for his interference and perceived intimidation.

Moving forward I feel that both males in this situation should apologise - and the daughter should learn to take her troubles to the proper authority, or deal with it herself, not expect Daddy to do so.

Christ, the Dad is completely in the wrong. It needs to go through the school who can investigate properly. What a nasty piece of work he is, demanding an apology from a child when he didn’t even witness the incident.

The dad is in the wrong. Massively.
Correct response would have been to address the issue with the teacher and let them sort it as it's a school related problem. Dad needs to tell his dd to speak with an adult at school if she is upset.
The boys mum is correct that things like this do happen (though maybe should have said she would address it with him herself) so good on her for standing up for herself and protecting her child, who would likely have been intimidated by the dad. She should have a chat with him about being careful and then let the school know about the dad going to their house, so school can keep a closer eye on their play together.

100% a school issue. Dad needs to wind his neck in. If they have a problem, either with this boy or with rough play generally, they need to complain to the school.

Ridiculous with such young kids to bring these issues home. The boy had probably forgotten all about it. Stuff like this needs to be addressed on the spot.

@DeltaFlyer

The dad is in the wrong. Massively. Correct response would have been to address the issue with the teacher and let them sort it as it's a school related problem. Dad needs to tell his dd to speak with an adult at school if she is upset. The boys mum is correct that things like this do happen (though maybe should have said she would address it with him herself) so good on her for standing up for herself and protecting her child, who would likely have been intimidated by the dad. She should have a chat with him about being careful and then let the school know about the dad going to their house, so school can keep a closer eye on their play together.

You're paintng the boy as a hero, when most likely he's a bullying little shit.

The dad is massively in the wrong.

The mother should be disciplining her son for being violent and the father should be sending his daughter to self-defence classes.

So during a game, there was physical contact. No injury, but the girl didn't like she was pushed- as were others I assume. She didn't inform the school, but told her parents several hours later. At which point t dad goes to demand an apology. I would t have agreed to that if I was mum. School can deal with whether this is an issue or not, dad was highly unreasonable approaching the mum in this way.

Wow I’m really surprised at the responses on here. Very sexist just because a man is six foot he must be a bully! He can’t help his size! Why does everyone assume he barged round demanding an apology? He could have turned up and explained the situation nicely and the mum been a shit thinking her big can do no wrong!

The boy was a bully pushing a girl - no wonder he does that with a mum like that.

The PARENTS of the girl were wrong for going round to the house. They should have told school and/or told the girl to tell the teachers at the time.

The mum was wrong for not making her boy say sorry (no things like shoving don’t happen all the time only nasty little shits do it). She was also wrong for assuming a six foot man had come to intimidate her - it would be totally dependent on what he said/did which you haven’t said at all...

So both were in the wrong. But what the dad said and did when he was at the house is massively relevant and you haven’t said.

@SD1978 lots of assumptions there. OP says girl was shove, that's not acceptable.

The school should have been informed and allowed to deal with it.
Unless their is a pattern of behaviour by the boy and the school are not acknowledging or dealing it is intimidating for the girl to turn up on their doorstep with either parent imo.
I would much rather have a call from the school and discuss with them.
The Father needs to look at his own actions when questioning his daughters lack of assertiveness around males.

That's not standing up for herself. Dad is a thug

I beg to differ with most people! If my daughter was bullied at school and came home to me truly upset i would take matters into my own hands. Schools can be very ignorant of bullies we have seen this in media when kids commit suicide because of bullying and the schools apologies come after its way too late.
Its not the dads fault he is 6ft and a man who cares for his daughter and is being a proper father to his child. As long as he spoke to the mum with respect its fine. Sounds like the mum is twisting it into something it isnt. If he threatned her or was violent, verbally abusive then yes its intimitading. But if hes 6ft and a man then shes being ridiculous im afraid. If her son is a bully she needs to have words its parental responsibility not just upto the school. Its a shared duty.

I disagree with majority - the mother was unreasonable and should have asked son to apologise - but no, boys will be boys and kids will be kids excuse was rolled out. The father likely thought they could deal with it like adults and while I have some sympathy for the woman a victim mentality that makes you intimidated by all men is not his fault. I’m not sure why her being a widow is different to her being a single parent.

The girl is!

She was playing a game that can get a little rough. She was pushed during a game and not nastily.

Granted her dad shouldn't have agreed to take her around there but she should have sight support from teachers if she wanted an apology and couldn't ask herself.

But let's face it - she clearly has no problem asserting herself as she went to the house demanding an apology for an accidental situational shove. I'm thinking she probably enjoys playing the victim and this is encouraged by the parents.

So from here on in: girl is careful what games she plays and if she's playing a game and doesn't like what's happening she speaks to an adult in immediate future.

She was pushed during a game and not nastily.

How do you know that itsgettingweird ?

This is the 'boys will be boys' excuse that sittingonabench says gets rolled out.

So the girl plays a game in which she could easily be accidentally pushed, doesn't get hurt or speak to the school at the time, and instead goes home to tell dad to take her to his house.
I'm on the mums side, it's not for him to go round and ask for an apology.
Also, people seem to be jumping on that this boy is a bully, you don't know that. It's one incident in a game. The boy may not have realised. Maybe the parents of the girl need to work on her opening her mouth in school if there's an issue.

Anon, equally you don't know that she was accidentally pushed or that she wasn't hurt. Lots of assumptions.

The dad should of spoken to the teacher not harassed the mum, and tbh this sounds like normal playground antics.

@voovayclickwot

Anon, equally you don't know that she was accidentally pushed or that she wasn't hurt. Lots of assumptions.

Even if she was hurt, he should have gone to the school and NOT to a private residence. Wanker.

Pushing isn’t normal playground antics - its pushing. If it isn’t acceptable for an adult to be pushed, why is it a child?
There’s some incredible victim blamey responses on her - not the girls fault she was pushed because was playing a game, not the girls fault because she didn’t say something at the time, not the girls fault she wanted it sorted after. Honestly just imagine the girl was a woman here - I think a lot of posters here must have naughty, violent boys! My kids would never push another!! And if they did I would expect them to apologise.

@voovayclickwot

Anon, equally you don't know that she was accidentally pushed or that she wasn't hurt. Lots of assumptions.

Read it properly. I didn't say she was, I said she could be easily pushed in that game. It can happen that games get out of hand. If she had been hurt she needs to tell the school. Not the father. If the school did nothing then fair enough but going to a woman's house is very bullying behaviour of her family.

No way would I drag one of my kids out to apologise to a random parent without getting their side of the story.

I made that mistake once. The mother of a girl came steaming up to tell me the girl had been standing on a ledge, my DS had grabbed her foot which made her fall off. Neither of us had seen it happen. I hauled DS over, told him off and had him apologise, only to learn afterwards that he'd grabbed her foot to stop her kicking him in the face again.

I wouldn't March my child to the door to apologise for something we hadn't talked about while another parent is looming and intimidating them. I would want to know their version of events and not be forced into a ridiculous doorstep confrontation.

The dad should have contacted the school, and if I was the mum that's what I would do now. Depending on the dad's actual behaviour on the doorstep I'd probably also get advice from the police.

Impossible to know whether the shove was accidental or deliberate but cops and robbers is the kind of game that easily turns physical so I think that the balance of probability is the former.

I think the attitude of some posters (calling the boy a "bully" and a "little shit") is disgusting. It's the kind of knee jerk reaction that unnecessarily escalates everyday situations.

If it was my dd, I'd have asked her how she felt when she was shoved, if she had been hurt and what she had said to the boy who did it. Then I would have said that if something like that happens again, she should tell the other child that she doesn't like the behaviour and that if she can't sort the situation out herself using words then she should tell a teacher.

I wouldn't have spoken to the school myself over one little incident (but I would if it was part of a pattern of behaviour) and I certainly wouldn't have gone round to the boy's house. It's not the dad's fault that he's big and burly but there was no need to get involved to that extent.