Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

I don't think it's a very good way to deal with it — I can sort of understand the logic of the girl doing it whilst feeling supported, but doing it through the school would have been better (Unless you were on chatting terms with the other parent and did it at the school gates or something).

Having said that, I think the might have been a bit defensive as well — if they'd gone round to ask the boy to play in the park would she have said the same thing to the dad? It sounds like she was trying to put him in the wrong. (And while I don't think that was the best way of dealing with this situation, I think him going round to return the wrong jumper, or anything else is fine. You can't ban him ringing doorbells just because he's a big man!)

While a burly man trying to sell e something might make me feel a bit intimidated, if he was there with his daughter he'd get classified into "school dad" in my head.

*the mum was a bit defensive.

Although if she's recently widowed it's will be a lot to adjust to, and possibly a situation where she might have called her husband over in the past.

I haven't seen this aspect mentioned yet (though I may have missed it) but if this was my daughter I'd be wanting to make sure that her insistence on her father going with her, not her mother, wasn't (subconsciously at least) founded in I've got a dad; you haven't... And neither of us would be going anywhere for this incident. Accidental shove/no injury during a game =oh dear, that's a pity. Maybe tell x or the teacher you're not happy next time. More serious incident =speak to school or parent at school gate. Go round to parent's House because 7 year old says that's what she wants to happen=no way!

You can't ban him ringing doorbells just because he's a big man

If he’s going around somewhere to effectively ‘have it out’ with someone, then yes, you should!

Again, I have a tall, well-build DH.

It is categorically not OK for him to go around banging on people’s doors to resolve issues.

I would expect him to reach out to someone first, either personally or through school, to set up a time to meet.

Anyone who isn’t completely socially inept would do the same. Regardless of stature, I’d have thought.

The whole idea of parents hearing one side of a playground story and storming in is ridiculous. If I heard another child had been too rough with mine on one occasion my focus would be on equipping my child to deal with that situation in the future, either themselves or with the help of a teacher. If there was an ongoing issue or a one off so serious it needed following up I'd talk to the school.

My husband ended up going to the house of the boy who kept hurting my daughter a few years ago. The school were not addressing it at all and we were just sick to the back teeth of our child getting injuries (often visible) from this boy and felt there was no accountability . I wonder if we know the full story here as I doubt this was a one off For the dad to go round .

Dad was a twat. The Head of my school would come down like a ton of bricks on such a parent. Completely unacceptable behaviour.

@Thirtyrock39 why did he go round and not you?

He was there at the time when the incident had happened I was at work - I personally wouldn't have gone round as I'd have found it to awkward. Dh is very calm but also more confident and used to dealing with difficult situations

not sure how the dad thinks this is teaching the girl to stand up for herself, what he is teaching her is that he will fight her battles by intimidating a woman on her own and a child. It should be dealt with in school, so telling the girl to talk to a teacher or if she really cant go and tell the teacher, it all sounds like it has been blown out of proportion

It was totally inappropriate of man to go to the house demanding an apology from a 7 year irrespective of circumstances eg widow etc.
The girl should be encouraged to speak up at school, and if necessary the parents of the girl should have contacted the school. This type of confrontation between parents couldn't be more unhelpful. If someone turned up at my door like this, I would assume they were unhinged and would tread very carefully in my efforts to get rid of them.

@Thirtyrock39

My husband ended up going to the house of the boy who kept hurting my daughter a few years ago. The school were not addressing it at all and we were just sick to the back teeth of our child getting injuries (often visible) from this boy and felt there was no accountability . I wonder if we know the full story here as I doubt this was a one off For the dad to go round .

Why didn't you go round?

@BelleBlueBell

It was cops and robbers. I imagine there was a lot of shoving

Are you going to make things even more controversial by including police brutality