Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

Both. You should apologise if you hurt someone even accidentally. But kids get hurt whilst playing it’s part of life. Depends if the dad went round with an attitude or not.

Ugh. I agree with your updated post and what you said to your friend. And also would have felt a bit sick about her bursting with pride over it. I hear too many stories like this. What the hell are we teaching our children?

How is it an ‘epic drip feed’ @Cadent?

The OP very specifically didn’t say which side she was aligned with in her OP, so as to lay out any happened, and get people’s views.

That was the entire point of the thread.

Drip feeds:

• I was very hmm but I may be biased as I think her DD is overly-pandered too and has had a history of telling tall tales when it comes to my own children - eg coming and saying my DD said she wasn't very nice, but it turns out she omitted that she'd called my DD a nasty name. That kind of thing.

• And her parents blindly believe everything she says at face value. She has an issue with another girl at the school where she's claimed she's being bullied, but the other girl says it's the other way around (I suspect, like most cases with kids, it's a bit of both)

• I sometimes think they are frightened of saying no to their DD!

I don't think it is drip feeding at all. Those things are the OP's personal opinions and would have put a bias on the answers.

How is it teaching a girl to stand up for herself against the boys when essentially what the man was doing was intimidating a woman into getting the answer he wanted???

Gross, a bad example and unreasonable all around. It should be handled at school.

@SoupDragon

I don't think it is drip feeding at all. Those things are the OP's personal opinions and would have put a bias on the answers.

Or context.

And if the OP had mentioned those things in the OP, it would have completely swayed everyone’s opinions.

So she held back to see what people thought and then provided the full picture.

But OP admits she's biased, so we may not be getting the full story anyway.

Good lord, what an overreaction! Imagine if every parent of every wronged child did this. Vigilantism at its worst. Your friend needs to buckle up, life is going to get a lot more complicated.

both unreasonable as is the school for allowing contact group games

Sorry but this is a load of nonsense because

1. Duty staff cannot micromanage the play of 50 odd pupils
2. We can't wrap our kids in cotton wool - they'll go on to play contact sports in older years and secondary school, how on Earth will they cope if they were stopped from playing cops and robbers!

@Motnight

Of course the dad was unreasonable. Interesting choice of words, Op, suggesting that it was the 7 year old girl's decision for her dad to go round too.

I'm just reiterating what my friend said when I asked how come it wasn't her going round.

Yes the dad should've gone through school but his daughter was upset and he was trying to help. Ultimately though the mum was unreasonable. If the dad had been slight in build and said he would like the child who pushed his to apologise would she be saying he was demanding and bullying?
She was straight away defensive and rude.
It doesn't say he was threatening....was he? Or did she make assumptions based on his appearance which is an entirely different issue.
It wasn't a confrontation it was a request she could've had a civil conversation with him about the situation parent to parent as opposed to tall stocky man Vs mum.
She didn't teach her son anything positive.

I'm surprised that no one has picked up on the ageism in the OP, the mum is early 50s, that's hardly old and has no bearing on the tale. Are you a teen in this situation OP?

No I'm late 30's.

I said "older mum". That's not ageist, it's just putting the situation into a truthful context. It's not a criticism FFS

It should have been dealt with in school and it isn’t teaching the girl to stand up for herself if she has to have her dad with her! The dad was totally in the wrong and a bully for his behaviour which is far worse than children pushing each other in the playground.

Or context.

"I think the girl is pandered to and tells lies" is not context.

Ok OP so they are THAT family. Most schools have one - the one where the slightest little thing is an attack on their child who never does a single thing wrong. Where most likely they are the child who does the wronging

the mother is in the right. This should have been dealt with at school. It didnt even happen on her watch. She got shoved while playing an outdoor game, by another young kid. It happens.

Reeks of "teaching my kid to stand up for themselves" aka hit/kick/push back

Cops and robbers is surely a fairly rough game to begin with, how did the shove come about.

Mum should teach child to apologise to people of child has hurt someone intentionally or not, but Dad is in the wrong regardless of mother being home alone.

[quote voovayclickwot]@anon12345678901

Read it properly. I didn't say she was, I said she could be easily pushed in that game. It can happen that games get out of hand. If she had been hurt she needs to tell the school. Not the father. If the school did nothing then fair enough but going to a woman's house is very bullying behaviour of her family.

Nope, you said she could easily be accidentally pushed. Read your own post properly. [/quote]
You've just proved what I said. Can you not understand properly? I said;

So the girl plays a game in which she could easily be accidentally pushed, doesn't get hurt or speak to the school at the time, and instead goes home to tell dad to take her to his house.

So yes she could easily accidentally be pushed in that game, didn't say she WAS easily accidentally pushed or that it was deliberate as no one here knows. That's why I used the word COULD.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless this isn't my DD in the situation, it's a friend's. I wouldn't dream of taking my DD around to another parent's house to sort out a non issue.

I said children who push are little shits - not this particular boy if you read properly.

Although I teach in a secondary, we have a primary school across the road and my form class window looks out into their playground. If the above was true all kids are 'little shits' - I think I lot of parents may be surprised by just how tough their children can be. Not rough in a nasty way, but this is what happens in playing games. Don't you remember from when you were a child?

@anon12345678901 can you not understand that by using the word ‘accidentally’ you’ve already made the assumption that any pushing was accidental?

If this was a woman being pushed and saying she was pushed would you have the same response? No? Well that’s how men are allowed to grow to into abusers.

Well I guess the equivalent would be me agreeing to take part in a game of touch rugby or similar, and complaining someone touched me as part of the game

@SoupDragon

Or context.

"I think the girl is pandered to and tells lies" is not context.

It is when all we have to go by is what the OP tells us.

Girls parents need to be handed a grip.

If they were that bother they should have phoned the school (and looked like idiots) and asked them to sort it. No way should they have gone round to childs house for something so trivial