Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Oh and the reason the dad went round and not the mum was because the DD insisted it had to be her dad

That’s very telling.

She’s likely a little girl that knows her Dad is more intimidating to people than her Mum.

The fact a 7 year old gets to insist and the parents go along with it says so much.

As a teacher I have had parents mouthing off about events and throwing their weight around and when investigated it has been found the child has been less than truthful.

I teach teenagers and this doesn't stop at primary school! It's so important to get both sides of the story.

Do kids still play cops and robbers? 👀

I've had parents turn up at my door after completely 2 sided text arguments between teenagers twice now! It seems to be the way of this generation. My parents would never have even listened, let alone get involved.

I've seen your second post now and I agree with what you said.

The boy’s mother is right. 100% in my book.
More important to teach your DD to stand up for herself at time. Taking your dad round well after the event is not teaching her anything other than to hide behind her dad. It is not teaching her to stand up for herself at all. Also she needs to toughen up a bit unless she was particularly hurt.

Neither were completely right here. The dad was TOTALLY wrong to go to a single female parent's house and demand her child apologise to his. The mother was right, even if he didn't mean it to be, the dad's prescence was physically intimidating. (It's also pretty manipulative of the 7 year old to get her big dad to come with her because she doesn't have the confidence to talk to the kid directly. She knew her dad would be intimidating, that's why she wanted her with him. Rubbish that the dad doesn't realise this.)

The mother was also right, that kids squabble and people get shoved in games sometimes. However, she should be teaching her child to check if the person who gets shoved is hurt before carrying on with the game, and if they are, to apologise and ask if they need help.

If I were the parent of the girl, I wouldn't be complaining to the other parent or the school, I would be teaching my child that she needs to speak up for herself. That if she's unhappy with someone's words or actions, she needs to say so.

Oh god. So the girl has already learned that getting a big man to sort your problems is the right step if she demanded her dad go round. For a child that young, she seems very clear on what she's doing. And she's been nasty to your kids, and is possibly bullying another kid.

Maybe that's why she wouldn't tell the school, because she's exaggerating. My bet is that the boy ran into her/tried to catch her as part of the game and there was a bit of a collision and she fell over. She didnt tell the school because a teacher in the playground would know she was lieing she was lieing about.

Tbh, she doesnt seem to have that much trouble standing up for herself if she comes to you to tell on your kids and is being accused of bullying someone else at school. She's just turning into a difficult child who thinks big burly dad makes her untouchable as she can just send him round.

Maybe show your friend the responses on here.

If a girl says she was pushed she should be believed. Pushing doesn’t happen by accident.

No, in this case it was part of a game of "cops and robbers" FFS.🤦🏻‍♀️

Definitely the Dad. Not the correct way of dealing with this at all!

I mean the Dad is being unreasonable and not right!

@Clymene

That's not standing up for herself. Dad is a thug

This. Girl needs to know that the appropriate adult to talk to about this is a Teacher or TA.

The girl sounds like a manipulative little madam tbh.

I agree with the boys mum.

Both! The dad is an idiot and is teaching his daughter the opposite to what he’s aiming for, basically saying get a man in to sort it out, instead of encouraging her to go to the teacher herself and handle it through school. He should have made a phone call to the school to check it was being addressed (if it was any more than an accidental bump). The mum should have apologised for her son hurting the girl but if I was her I certainly wouldn’t have brought my son out to this bully to apologise. Really immature behaviour.

@anon12345678901

Read it properly. I didn't say she was, I said she could be easily pushed in that game. It can happen that games get out of hand. If she had been hurt she needs to tell the school. Not the father. If the school did nothing then fair enough but going to a woman's house is very bullying behaviour of her family.

Nope, you said she could easily be accidentally pushed. Read your own post properly.

I'm glad you burst the mum's bubble a bit op. Hopefully she'll tell her dh

shocking that the wife of the man is so proud.

Somehow the update makes it worse-

The DD is not being taught to stand up for herself at all.
She should be taught to tell a teacher and have it dealt with at school-not to come home and have her dad go knocking on the door demanding an apology for a playground incident that could have been ill intended but also completely innocent/caught up in game.

The girl's family sound hideous

The dad was unreasonable. Both in demanding an apology before even hearing another version of events (there's always one) and not recognising how intimidating his actions would be for the mum. He is not teaching her to stand up for herself really. He is teaching her to be a bully, or at best bullish.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. They are primary school kids playing a game that got a little out of control.

The boy should have apologised at the time

Girl should have spoken to teacher if she was upset

If the dad was concerned he should have spoken to the school to deal with

The women should not have dismissed it as something that just happens and told the dad to get the school to deal with it

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Morning all

To clarify, my friend is the wife of the dad. She came over for drinks last night and was 'bursting with pride over her DD taking the initiative to think of going round'. I was very but I may be biased as I think her DD is overly-pandered too and has had a history of telling tall tales when it comes to my own children - eg coming and saying my DD said she wasn't very nice, but it turns out she omitted that she'd called my DD a nasty name. That kind of thing. And her parents blindly believe everything she says at face value. She has an issue with another girl at the school where she's claimed she's being bullied, but the other girl says it's the other way around (I suspect, like most cases with kids, it's a bit of both)

Anyway I'm sure her DH didn't mean to be intimidating, but as a single mother living just me and my kids it doesn't matter how nice a person is, the very act of someone bringing a school issue to your house (turns out the other mum didn't realise they knew where she lived, it's only because her DD had seen the boy playing in the front garden) is intimidating. From what I understand he just said "Thomas shoved Rosie in the playground today and she's come round to ask him to come to the door and apologise."

We had a bit of a disagreement as I said thought with what he did was wrong because

1. It should have been sorted at/with the school
2. The boy has never done this before (friend confirmed) and it's kind of part and parcel of playing rough games, kids get shoved. If I marched my kids round to every child's house who shoved them we'd get nothing done
3. I don't think her or her DH realised just how intimidating it is to do that to a woman living with just her kids. No it's not his fault he's burly, but still it's so inconsiderate to it think he'll that might make an older woman feel
4. If it was my kids I would, at best, say that I'll have a chat with them separately rather than marching them to the door

I sometimes think they are frightened of saying no to their DD!

Epic drip feed.

How is it an ‘epic drip feed’ @Cadent?

The OP very specifically didn’t say which side she was aligned with in her OP, so as to lay out any happened, and get people’s views.

That was the entire point of the thread.

@voovayclickwot

They're both BU, the dad for turning up unexpectedly at her door and the mum being dismissive of violent behaviour from her son.

No point in the mum standing up to intimidating behaviour in a man if she's going to inculcate it into her son.

Shoving when they're playing cops & robbers isn't violent behaviour FFS

The girl needs to stop being such a delicate flower, or stop playing active games in the playground. He didn't shove her whilst in the much queue

She also needs to start talking to the adults at school about any problems at school. Not getting Big Burly Daddy 'to sort 'em out'. That's NOT teaching her to stand up for herself!

Daddy should not be going around to peoples houses to intimidate them. Especially when he knows their situation and it's not an ongoing campaign of bullying.

The mother could have been a bit more tactful & said he was in the shower or something & she'd speak to him later on, but she did well to tell him he was out of order to come knocking on the door!

The Dad was way out of line and not teaching his daughter to stand up for herself? he is teaching her to get a big bloke to stick up for her.

This sort of thing should always be dealt with at school.