Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

I don't think this scenario is as unusual as it might appear. I was definitely off sex with the last baby I had for at least 18 months. My husband just annoyed me. Thankfully it got better but it needed some effort.

you know, there's something so liberating in waking up to yourself, without having to factor in what someone else needs from your body.

whether you prefer boys, girls, both or absolute aloneness, no one cares but you.
You might prefer a rampant rabbit or a fucking cucumber.
You also might prereleases nothing, your body gets its pleasure I other ways and sexual touching isn't your thing.

All of these are perfectly normal and acceptable.

What is missing in most people is the courage to stand by their thing. That letting go of expectation and subservience to a standard mode of being. There is no standard mode of being, not sexually or personality-wise.

Dont hurt others and don't exploit. Apart from that you are perfectly free to be whoever the hell you wish to be. Be a nun, go for it, fucking absolve yourself of sexual expectancy. Or else prioritise your own particular needs. It doesn't matter whether you want regular sex or not. You own nobody a damn thing. stand by that and carry on.

I disagree too @CorianderBee

It really does take two to tango. It’s more unusual I feel for someone just to decide they won’t have sex anymore. More often it is a natural response to changes, be it hormonal, babies, illness or whatever and combined with a partner who sulks like a child.

Sex is not a mechanical fulfilment of your own need to come, to put it crudely. If it is, then you’ve not have connected sex with your partner in the first place. It’s always just been about you. Sex is the connection it is just not masturbation with another human who happens to be there for you when you feel like some.

@Myhairnightmare is saying that it is the OPs fault and it is breaking a contract of marriage. I think there is a reason why marriage says ‘for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’. It doesn’t say ‘unless they give birth and go off sex for a while in which case feel free to hook up with bits on the side’. Because partnership starts with trust, security, being there even when times are rough. Being there means not making your partner feel like she is rubbish. If he made her feel good, wanted, loved without pressure, then sex follows.

OP, I can relate to all your messages. It's definitely a case of being left alone to shoulder the whole burden of parenting when your body is knackered day in and day out, and the resentment slowly builds. With mine he used to stick his hand on parts of my body while I was going about my day, and thinking it was oh so sexy. (Even though I kept telling him this made me feel humiliated and furious and wanted sex less and less with him) Just made me loathe him like nothing on earth. In the process of divorcing him now, but should have done it years ago.

Sounds to me that you are suffering a bout of no confidence.

imagine: you have a body you adore and cherish, you feel good about it and are happy to show it. Would you be more interested in sex?

It makes me think a lot of men (maybe women too to be fair) just aren’t that great sexually, and are really not in touch with the sensuality of sex, and confident in it. The ‘groping’ when a woman has had a child is very crude, and unsexy. Makes me wonder whether a lot of people are just not that developed in sex and stuck in a kind of fumbling juvenile level!

I guess you’ll just have to explain to your husband how you feel and that sex is off the menu, in short term at least. However I’m not sure many men, under a certain age, are gonna want to spend the rest of their lives in a sexless marriage.

Yes.Yes. I find it gross too.It can be enjoyable sometimes if i put my mind to it.but generally its gross to me.
Lets be honest,if all that passion and feelings are ripped off,sex is just sweaty,fluidy, silly and yuck..

Well said @ LetSophieGo

@EShellstrop

Are you sure you're straight?

I thought sex was gross, or at the very least, boring, until I started dating women.

My first thought I was you once then I discovered women

I used to enjoy it a lot but I don't anymore.

Men are so horrible at it, I can't stand it anymore.

It sounds like your husband doesn't respect your sexual boundaries. Seems like he's coercing/pressuring you.

I'm going thru something similar, except I find penetration painful & uncomfortable. My boyfriend kept pressuring me to have sex with him. It was sort of subtle. He'd say things like "I can't live like this anymore." Etc. So I kept trying, but hated it. The more I tried it, the more disgusted I became of him & I stoped enjoying other sex acts that I once enjoyed.

It's unnatractive when men a) don't care about our boundaries and b) don't care about our sexual pleasure. That's rape culture.

Why do you feel like a cow? Is that something your husband has said to you before?

I definitely find that if my relationship as a whole isn't doing great, i.e. if my "love metre" isn't filled, then sex is the last thing on my mind.

Apologies I haven't managed to RTFT but I have definitely felt the same and this article really helped me to explain things to my partner. www.abc.net.au/everyday/how-to-manage-being-touched-out-not-wanting-intimacy/12503520

OP I think it is far more common than you can imagine.

I just hope you decide what is right for you and how you want to handle this.

Wishing you good luck in finding the right way forward.

@Looooona

These types of threads are so common on mumsnet however in my group of friends, this would be unheard of. Maybe the typical mumsnet poster just doesn’t like sex very much. Also agree with the culture thing, I grew up in Canada where everyone talks about sex, masturbation, sexuality etc. when I moved here I was shocked at the lack of sexuality in this country. Men seem awkward in their approach to sex and British parents encourage their children to use pet names for their genitals (noo noo, pee pee etc.) all very strange to me and explains the weird anti sex culture.

This is spot on couldn't agree more with all of this post.

I'm a Brit but I recognise everything in this. As per my earlier post, it's weird we tend to use crude, jokey or awkward phrases to laugh away sex as something of little significance. A lot of British women just don't "do" sexy.

Exhibit A on here has tot be the phrase "doing the deed". It started off as lighthearted but as many people know never a truer word is spoken in jest. See "maintenance sex" also.

@nc202105

He doesn't understand and just follows me around. I try to avoid it. But he won't let it go and when I refuse be gets angry sometimes. He says he has no joy.

I do feel bad. I think it would be more bearable if I looked normal again.

Your partners actions are appalling, no wonder you don’t want to have sex. Don’t be coerced into sex to appease him. Reevaluate your whole relationship.

@LetSophieGo

Sounds to me that you are suffering a bout of no confidence.

imagine: you have a body you adore and cherish, you feel good about it and are happy to show it. Would you be more interested in sex?

The OP is suffering from a selfish, insufferable partner.

I think its that your husband has been such a dickhead about sex that youve gone right off it. Hes ruined it by his whole attitude.
Theres nothing wrong with you.

@Branleuse I know what you mean. But if it was up to me, we would literally never have sex. Surely it's understandable he's frustrated ? Hasn't gone about it the right way, but I'm not even sure what's the right way ? Just leave me alone completely would be the right way for me.

@Startingagainperson

I disagree too *@CorianderBee*

It really does take two to tango. It’s more unusual I feel for someone just to decide they won’t have sex anymore. More often it is a natural response to changes, be it hormonal, babies, illness or whatever and combined with a partner who sulks like a child.

Sex is not a mechanical fulfilment of your own need to come, to put it crudely. If it is, then you’ve not have connected sex with your partner in the first place. It’s always just been about you. Sex is the connection it is just not masturbation with another human who happens to be there for you when you feel like some.

@Myhairnightmare is saying that it is the OPs fault and it is breaking a contract of marriage. I think there is a reason why marriage says ‘for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’. It doesn’t say ‘unless they give birth and go off sex for a while in which case feel free to hook up with bits on the side’. Because partnership starts with trust, security, being there even when times are rough. Being there means not making your partner feel like she is rubbish. If he made her feel good, wanted, loved without pressure, then sex follows.

I have clearly said the OP does not owe her husband sex and neither should she be coerced into it. It is however astounding how many women on here expect to be able to just stop having sex and their husbands be ok with it. I imagine these are the same women who post on here in a few years time that their husband has had an affair and they are shellshocked. I'm sorry, but sex IS a very very important part of the relationship. Sure, if both parties agree they never want sex again, then I imagine it could work, but if only one takes sex off the table, the marriage is doomed.

It seems women do this quite often. They have their children and then decide sex isn't for them and expect the husband to just accept it and live the next 50 years without sex. God forbid they go elsewhere for it, then they are bastards

@Myhairnightmare you're going to get flamed for what you just posted - but from where I'm sitting you're just speaking about the harsh reality.

I've seen posts on here where folk say "I'd rather have a cup of tea, read my book, watch a box set." Then when challenged about the DH they confidently state "no - my DH doesn't care about sex anymore either."

Are these the same people who end up somehow, inexplicably flabbergasted when their husband is found cheating?

Cheating is wrong. Having sex when you don't want to have it, is wrong.

But I think you're onto something here when there are dozens and dozens of posters who say they go off sex completely years after childbirth, as in "I'm never ever going back to sex", and then expect that everything will somehow work out and it's normal for both parties to get onto that same page.

I'm so sorry. Being pestered and coerced into sex is a form of abuse. Your husband feels so entitled to use your body that he doesn't even care if you enjoy it or not?! I suggest getting the hell out of there ASAP. You'll never feel turned on with someone who is happy to abuse you in this way. Please put yourself first. Kids are so much more content when their parents are living separately but are happy, rather than living together and miserable. Do you want them to grow up thinking the way your husband is disregarding your bodily autonomy and pleasure is OK? Be strong Xxx

@Ginuwine

*@Myhairnightmare* you're going to get flamed for what you just posted - but from where I'm sitting you're just speaking about the harsh reality.

I've seen posts on here where folk say "I'd rather have a cup of tea, read my book, watch a box set." Then when challenged about the DH they confidently state "no - my DH doesn't care about sex anymore either."

Are these the same people who end up somehow, inexplicably flabbergasted when their husband is found cheating?

Cheating is wrong. Having sex when you don't want to have it, is wrong.

But I think you're onto something here when there are dozens and dozens of posters who say they go off sex completely years after childbirth, as in "I'm never ever going back to sex", and then expect that everything will somehow work out and it's normal for both parties to get onto that same page.

This.

You needed to talk about this with your husband long ago. If you stop wanting sex then eventually your husband will want to go somewhere else for it and he will be viewed as a bastard. Why are you having this conversation with us and not with him... years ago.

At this stage you need counselling together so that you can move forward together with the new normal in your relationship, whatever that might be.
Just removing sex from the table and not fully exploring why and trying to solve it, isn’t fair on your husband.

@Ginuwine

*@Myhairnightmare* you're going to get flamed for what you just posted - but from where I'm sitting you're just speaking about the harsh reality.

I've seen posts on here where folk say "I'd rather have a cup of tea, read my book, watch a box set." Then when challenged about the DH they confidently state "no - my DH doesn't care about sex anymore either."

Are these the same people who end up somehow, inexplicably flabbergasted when their husband is found cheating?

Cheating is wrong. Having sex when you don't want to have it, is wrong.

But I think you're onto something here when there are dozens and dozens of posters who say they go off sex completely years after childbirth, as in "I'm never ever going back to sex", and then expect that everything will somehow work out and it's normal for both parties to get onto that same page.

Fucking hell, this thread is beyond depressing. Clearly you’ve never experienced a complete loss of sex drive or what that does to you, since you think your magical sex attitude has protected you from such things.

I became ill, I had treatment, it left me like this. Fortunately my DH didn’t leave me or run off and shag someone else despite having a high sex drive. It was awful for him, but we have survived it. Things are slightly better now but still not as often as he would like (or as often as I would like to feel able to do it but I can’t change it). So it’s not the inevitable “harsh reality” at all. Also he would never have made me do anything I W didn’t want to do

Everyone talking about him having to go without sex for the rest of his life is being a bit bloody dramatic, given that he’s currently getting it once a week even though OP doesn’t want it.

She needs some space to work out what’s going on and deal with whatever’s happening.