Strip club

[amioverreactng]

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

I am an ex (long term) stripper if you have any questions or know which one, I've worked all over.
But in answer to your question, unless I had serious concerns about my partner it wouldnt bother me. My DP didn't end up going but nearly did (Covid) to one on a similar 'do' and I said be respectful, tip well and speak up if you feel anyone is being mistreated.

I used to work as a stripper and honestly they will get nothing more than they could by looking at videos or pictures of naked women.
It really is money for old rope and the only person being exploited is the one with the open wallet.
My husband went to a strip club on a stag do and I have absolutely no problem with him going to one again.
Most of the time I was thinking about what I wanted to watch on Netflix or what shopping I needed on the way home.
It's not cheating

@Unicornsbumhole

I used to work as a stripper and honestly they will get nothing more than they could by looking at videos or pictures of naked women. It really is money for old rope and the only person being exploited is the one with the open wallet. My husband went to a strip club on a stag do and I have absolutely no problem with him going to one again. Most of the time I was thinking about what I wanted to watch on Netflix or what shopping I needed on the way home. It's not cheating

the only person being exploited is the one with the open wallet.

This is factually incorrect.

It would be so unlikely that I would be in a state of shock and probably think it was warly onset dementia and recommend a visit to the gp

If by some chance I was married to a man who did this I would be seriously consider our future I couldn't stomach an ongoing relationship with him

Sorry about the typos. On phone using wrong hand

To my shame, I have been to a few on work nights out in my city days. Honestly.... you have nothing to worry about. They're pretty grim & tacky. The women aren't all that either. What are you afraid of?

@Unicornsbumhole

I used to work as a stripper and honestly they will get nothing more than they could by looking at videos or pictures of naked women. It really is money for old rope and the only person being exploited is the one with the open wallet. My husband went to a strip club on a stag do and I have absolutely no problem with him going to one again. Most of the time I was thinking about what I wanted to watch on Netflix or what shopping I needed on the way home. It's not cheating

they will get nothing more than they could by looking at videos or pictures of naked women

...which I also wouldn't be OK with? I'm surprised by how many comments on this thread are along the lines of "Well it's basically the same as [other thing] so what's the problem?" when to me the other thing isn't OK either (porn, Chippendales) and it's quite clear that not everyone has the same views on sexual morality, so it's a bit of a leap to assume that any individual would be OK with whatever the other thing is.

Stag do's can either be really lucrative or really annoying in strip clubs.

If the majority of the group are willing to spend and have dances, it's great and they get a lot of attention from the girls. The majority that I came across in my years as a dancer consisted of around 10-15 guys who all chipped in for a stag stage show, watched the stag be humiliated/entertained and then maybe one or two guys have a couple of private dances and that's it.

There are always men in the stag groups who tag along, pay hardly any interest and then leave with the rest of the group. Licensing has also got a bit crazy over the years so majority of clubs are non contact (let alone what the post COVID rules will be).

I'll always stand by strip clubs being safer against shenanigans compared to normal clubs anyway. Strip clubs have girls who have enforced boundaries, but what drunk girls chose to do or say in normal clubs isn't controlled.

Lots of women feel insecure about themselves against women generally, let alone when they compare themselves to dancers. Personally, I think he'll resent you for making a big deal of it as it's only a stag do... he would be going because that's where the group were going and it's a typical part of most stag do's. It would be different if he went on a regular basis, formed amicable relationships with the dancers whilst spending your savings!

Realistically, even if he goes on the stag do, he likely won't tell you if he ends up in the strip club anyway and even if he doesn't go to the strip club, you'll still think he did and believe he's lying. Save yourself the bad feeling, he's with you because he wants to be and going to a strip club on a stag do isn't going to make him want you any less.

People post this crap on mumsnet so that all the users pile on and say how disgusting and wrong going to stripclubs are to try and make you feel better and like YANBU... In reality, YABU and it's because you're being insecure.

“People post this crap on mumsnet so that all the users pile on and say how disgusting and wrong going to stripclubs are to try and make you feel better and like YANBU... In reality, YABU and it's because you're being insecure.“

What a load of bollocks.
No decent man who loves and desires his partner on the eve of his marriage would want to look at disinterested, exploited, and possibly desperate, trafficked and drugged young women/men.

If you have no problem with it, you are suffering from very poor self-esteem/respect.

“Lots of women feel insecure about themselves against women generally, let alone when they compare themselves to dancers.”

This is such a daft thing to say. My issue with strip clubs is nothing whatsoever to do with the women or what they look like. Who cares about that? It’s the principle.

Also, sorry, but this is not “dance.” I’m an ex-ballerina. When I first met DH, he used to pick me up and come backstage sometimes and there were loads of girls wandering with not much on, so I’m hardly bothered about this kind of thing.

What disgusts me about strip clubs is the low-life mentality of the men who go in there. I prefer a man with a certain level of integrity. Even if a woman had her crotch in his face, the woman is not the issue - what bothers me is the fact she feels she has to do this and that men feel they are entitled to it.

@SenoraSurf

Stag do's can either be really lucrative or really annoying in strip clubs.

If the majority of the group are willing to spend and have dances, it's great and they get a lot of attention from the girls. The majority that I came across in my years as a dancer consisted of around 10-15 guys who all chipped in for a stag stage show, watched the stag be humiliated/entertained and then maybe one or two guys have a couple of private dances and that's it.

There are always men in the stag groups who tag along, pay hardly any interest and then leave with the rest of the group. Licensing has also got a bit crazy over the years so majority of clubs are non contact (let alone what the post COVID rules will be).

I'll always stand by strip clubs being safer against shenanigans compared to normal clubs anyway. Strip clubs have girls who have enforced boundaries, but what drunk girls chose to do or say in normal clubs isn't controlled.

Lots of women feel insecure about themselves against women generally, let alone when they compare themselves to dancers. Personally, I think he'll resent you for making a big deal of it as it's only a stag do... he would be going because that's where the group were going and it's a typical part of most stag do's. It would be different if he went on a regular basis, formed amicable relationships with the dancers whilst spending your savings!

Realistically, even if he goes on the stag do, he likely won't tell you if he ends up in the strip club anyway and even if he doesn't go to the strip club, you'll still think he did and believe he's lying. Save yourself the bad feeling, he's with you because he wants to be and going to a strip club on a stag do isn't going to make him want you any less.

People post this crap on mumsnet so that all the users pile on and say how disgusting and wrong going to stripclubs are to try and make you feel better and like YANBU... In reality, YABU and it's because you're being insecure.

I don’t believe for one second you worked in a strip club, and your only take is how humiliating it is for the punters.

@SenoraSurf

Stag do's can either be really lucrative or really annoying in strip clubs.

If the majority of the group are willing to spend and have dances, it's great and they get a lot of attention from the girls. The majority that I came across in my years as a dancer consisted of around 10-15 guys who all chipped in for a stag stage show, watched the stag be humiliated/entertained and then maybe one or two guys have a couple of private dances and that's it.

There are always men in the stag groups who tag along, pay hardly any interest and then leave with the rest of the group. Licensing has also got a bit crazy over the years so majority of clubs are non contact (let alone what the post COVID rules will be).

I'll always stand by strip clubs being safer against shenanigans compared to normal clubs anyway. Strip clubs have girls who have enforced boundaries, but what drunk girls chose to do or say in normal clubs isn't controlled.

Lots of women feel insecure about themselves against women generally, let alone when they compare themselves to dancers. Personally, I think he'll resent you for making a big deal of it as it's only a stag do... he would be going because that's where the group were going and it's a typical part of most stag do's. It would be different if he went on a regular basis, formed amicable relationships with the dancers whilst spending your savings!

Realistically, even if he goes on the stag do, he likely won't tell you if he ends up in the strip club anyway and even if he doesn't go to the strip club, you'll still think he did and believe he's lying. Save yourself the bad feeling, he's with you because he wants to be and going to a strip club on a stag do isn't going to make him want you any less.

People post this crap on mumsnet so that all the users pile on and say how disgusting and wrong going to stripclubs are to try and make you feel better and like YANBU... In reality, YABU and it's because you're being insecure.

Personally I would resent a partner who told me I couldn't work in bar in case men find me attractive even if I was doing said bar work for unselfish reasons such as bringing in extra income to the family.

I'd be even more fucked off to high heaven if that same partner then tried to pull some crap on me about seeing naked women on a stag do cos 'dats wot all da menz do'. I'd be fucking raging. One rule for him and another for me. I don't think so.

And how does working in a bar to earn a living even compare to men gawking at tits and ass and spending money to do so??? Fuck my life, the logic is fried!

Also it’s so naff and unimaginative. So many other things you could go in a stag. My DH went in one recently and they went to the Arctic Circle to race cars on the ice. Another time they climbed a mountain. It’s hardly obligatory to sit in some tacky strip bar, is it?

Agree @safiya7, I bet the men who use them are probably thick as mince and boring bastards anyway.

I couldn't be with a man who objectified women in this way. It's deeply misogynistic. What next? A minstrel show?

I'd think he'd had a head injury and some kind of cataclysmic personality change, because he never has been or would go and I wouldn't be with a man who did.

There seems to be the idea here that strippers aren't actively choosing to work, that they don't want to be there. UK strip clubs are incredibly tightly controlled by licensing laws. It's not in the clubs interest to have trafficked, vulnerable, desperate (in the context it's being described here) women working there. And the club exists to make money. Off the dancers and off the customer, from drinks, dances, house fees. It is in the clubs interest to keep the doors open and the dancers safe.

I was a stripper for years, I don't agree with strip clubs and think they're degenerative to women as they fuel the idea that a woman (her time, a lapdance, her nudity) can be bought.

People post this crap on mumsnet so that all the users pile on and say how disgusting and wrong going to stripclubs are to try and make you feel better and like YANBU... In reality, YABU and it's because you're being insecure.
I couldn't disagree with this more. Strip clubs are bad news, however you paint them. And voicing that someone is wrong, and should get over it, because they are insecure, is dreadful. Whether the OP is insecure or not, her partner, in an equal, happy, loving respectful relationship should never seek to make her feel like her boundaries are unreasonable or wrong so he gets his way. Especially when his way is looking at naked women.

Also, sorry, but this is not “dance.” I’m an ex-ballerina.
Im an ex ballerina too, it is definitely dancing, not ballet, but it's dancing and it's bloody hard work 😂 and pole work is a different league of exercise entirely.

Have been to a few stag nights and one of them they planned to go to a step club. Me and a friend weren't happy about this so we went out for the meal and drink part and when the others went to the strip club we went to a rave instead.

Unless the whole thing is in a strip club I don't get why he can't just go to the meal or drinks or whatever they're doing first

I don't agree with strip clubs and think they're degenerative to women as they fuel the idea that a woman (her time, a lapdance, her nudity) can be bought.

This hits the nail on the head.

You probably had the better night out Chanjer

Chanjer - thank you for your input, I don't understand this either. I have said go to the stag do, he'd have a lovely weekend but I draw the line at the strip club. Apparently that means that he can't go to the whole thing because they'll be in the strip club for a few hours. Weird.

I'm hoping to catch up with some of the other wives before the stag do. I'm not sure if they know about the strip club or if they're all okay with it so it'd be interesting to have their opinions.

The thing is, he is incredibly intelligent. He has a very good job and I'm honestly taken aback at him even mentioning that they'll be going to a strip club. Like I've said, he's been to a few before but never since being with me so obviously he was younger. But I've told him how much he would upset me so all I can do now is see what he wants to do. If he chooses to still go it'll make me rethink our relationship and he knows this

I think his choice would be

1. Watch a naked women for a few hours and destroy any respect I had for him.

Ultimately the marriage would be over

2. Go and not watch a naked women for a few hours, but enjoy the rest of the weekend, I bet others would just go to a normal pub with him instead.

Making me respect him more, and leading me to believe he didn't think women were a buy and sell commodity.

🤷‍♀️ his choice

Going to the club - no issue with that
Getting a dance - a bit icky but I wouldn't be ending things, probs sulk a bit till I was bought a gift to say sorry

@QuizzlyBear

Honestly? Unless I had serious concerns about my DH (wandering eye?) I wouldn't give it more than a second thought. If he wanted to see naked women, in all honesty he could do so on his phone / laptop / tv or (shocker) check out his own wife. He's not really going for that.

My DH has been to strip clubs on stag dos before, he was faintly embarrassed but went along as it was more of a male bonding thing. He'd have been hugely humiliated if he'd had to wait outside because I'd 'said no' - and I wouldn't see the need anyway. Yes, it's grim and pretty seedy, but it's actually about the group he's there with, not the women onstage.

Completely agree

@emilyfrost

I've told him to wait outside,

You don’t get to tell him what to do; he’s not a child. You express your feelings and he chooses how to act knowing them.

Quite frankly I don’t see the issue. He’s allowed to look, and he’s allowed to find other women attractive. Whether he does to a strip club or not that doesn’t stop him finding others beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It doesn’t mean he loves you any less.

👏🏼