Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip club

258 replies

amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 16:19

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:27

Tell him that if strip clubs are now on the table and acceptable in you relationship, then that cuts both ways .. and you'll be going to a male strip club or equivalent asap .. though most male strip shows are not the same as lap dancing clubs in a number of ways (I did find a male lap.dancing club in revenge for my h's stag do choices but it's closed down now).

See how his little "you can't work in a pub because of the male attention but I'm spending time in a lap dancing club on this stag do" brain processes that.

These guys are always very good at doing things to their partner, but are not remotely ok when it could be done to them.

MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:28

It's always "nothing" until their partner's doing the equivalent, and then somehow it's something.

CallMeCleo · 04/05/2021 21:29

I was roped into a Chippendales performance and it was full of middle aged married ladies screaming and giggling. Some got up on stage and were given oil by the male strippers and invited to slater it over the men's chests. They also cuddled and kissed the men.

I'm sure that doing all this was no threat to the marriage of any of these women.

CallMeCleo · 04/05/2021 21:30

  • roped into attending

  • slater = slather

20viona · 04/05/2021 21:32

Wouldn't bother me.

MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:33

I’m not going to stand outside for hours or go back to a hotel at 10pm

If strip.clubs are open, bars are open.

Even v late, hotel bars would be open.

Noone has nowhere to go. The men who don't want to go into the lap dancing club could stay in another bar. .... But noone wants them to because then their partner will say "so and so stayed out, in another bar, why couldn't you" and they won't get their fun without hassle. Everybody had to do it do they can tell the wags it's normal and everyone's doing it and they'd be the odd one out.

It might also make the ones who go feel like what they're doing isnt right or appropriate and we can't have that.

It might also cause the ones who don't go to be called hen pecked and pussy whipped and under the thumb and we can't have that either.

Horseyhorsey3 · 04/05/2021 21:36

@AlexaNeverListens

Wouldn't bother me tbh. But then having been to one or two back in the day, I think they're more cringe than sexy.

I wouldn't stop my DP going.

This.

Probably very unlikely that a dancer is going to run off with your DP, he'll be just another punter after all... Another few quid.

MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:36

@CallMeCleo

I was roped into a Chippendales performance and it was full of middle aged married ladies screaming and giggling. Some got up on stage and were given oil by the male strippers and invited to slater it over the men's chests. They also cuddled and kissed the men.

I'm sure that doing all this was no threat to the marriage of any of these women.

Cool. So you've been to a Chippendale's show ... When you've been in the back room of an eastern European lap dancing club/brothel (or even some of the seedier UK ones) come back to the thread and comment.

And nobody says it has to be a threat to a marriage - lots of things aren't threats to marriages but are deeply unfair ' inappropriate (and hypocritical if the man has the viewed ops partner does).

Horseyhorsey3 · 04/05/2021 21:40

@amioverreactng

Or even examples of jobs, a really nice bar was hiring near us and I said I would have liked to give bar work a go for a while, just because it's something completely different to what I do now and it was very similar pay and hours. He completely looked down on it and then later admitted that he wouldn't like it because of the attention from men? It's just not fair
Just seen your update... Talk about double standards! Whilst I've no problem with strip clubs, I'd be digging my heels in for this reason alone
MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:40

If the women's husband's knew or saw them rubbing oil over male strippers and copping a feel or whatever else they did; and decided that wasn't the behaviour he wanted in his spouse .... If would be a threat to the marriage, cause he might dump her (immediately or long term).

So it's in the "what they don't know won't hurt them" school of thought..

Lollyneenah · 04/05/2021 21:42

I've told every dp I've had that I'm totally cool with them going as long as they don't mind me applying to work there 3 nights a week.
Because its just a bit of fun right?

Funny how fast they backtrack.

But in reality OP, they're gross and you are well within your rights to dig your heels in on this one. I've recently treated a 30 year old woman who was held against her will for 15 years in one of these establishments, its fucking vile

yomommasmomma · 04/05/2021 21:43

@ComtesseDeSpair

I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers.

It doesn’t matter particularly how any else feels or if they think it’s fine. If your DP going is a dealbreaker for you and he’s determined that’s he’s going to, then you have a conversation to have about the future of your relationship.

That's what they want you to think!! Please don't fall for this rubbish, they are fully grown men and capable of saying "no" to going if they don't want to, the point is if they go, they want to be there.
MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:44

Probably very unlikely that a dancer is going to run off with your DP,

Classic mis-focus on why someone would have a problem with this ... Not because they think their partner will leave them for one if the sex workers.

he'll be just another punter after all... Another few quid.

And another classic missing the point point that people make - noone gives a fk about the sex worker, they give a fk that it's their partner there doing that.

MarshmallowAra · 04/05/2021 21:46

*I've told every dp I've had that I'm totally cool with them going as long as they don't mind me applying to work there 3 nights a week.
Because its just a bit of fun right?

Funny how fast they backtrack.*

Oh but it's different ... different, I tell you!

Wink
OhWhyNot · 04/05/2021 21:46

I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers

Yes it’s incredible how often I hear this. Or they were so bored on the clubs, they just ended up chatting with the girls

Yet these bars are extremely lucrative Hmm

No I wouldn’t be pleased. Tell him you have your own boundaries in a relationship and one being you do not respect men who go to these types of places that’s not that sort of person you thought he was

Oreosmyfav · 04/05/2021 21:48

I would end the marriage. 🤢

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 04/05/2021 21:50

Let him go OP. But also, do apply for bar work for yourself. If he has a problem with that then tough.

yomommasmomma · 04/05/2021 21:50

@Aria999

I went to a spearmint rhino on a work night out 🤣 the MD wanted to go somewhere quiet enough for us all to chat...

I would not have a problem with DH going if he wanted to. It was just a quiet table with some drinks and an unusual view! But I would have a problem with any private dances. That was the sleazy part IMO.

The women were confident, beautiful and well paid. One of them used to be a manager at the company I worked for at the time but switched to dancing for more money and better hours.

I suspect this is a fantasy for you and totally untrue!

If it is true the MD badly needs to be disciplined/sacked and the dancer telling you she used to work at your firm is telling you what you want to hear to make you feel better/spend more!

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 04/05/2021 21:57

Deal breaker for me

I wouldn't be happy at all, I'd be even less happy if he couldn't see my reasons why.

And nothing to do with it being cheating, more that his values didn't align with mine

firsttimeoptimist · 04/05/2021 21:57

Meh, I cant care about strip clubs and my husband and I have both been to them on hen/stags. The music is quite loud and the drinks are overpriced and it is mostly about watching your friends reactions to the girating people!
I wouldnt pick it as a career choice but I have also got several friends who have worked in them (uk) and have dated a guy who was in a chippendale style show - they were not exploited and it was quite lucrative.
But I agree with earlier posters that what matters is your relationship with your husband and how YOU feel about it. He needs to respect that feeling as legitimate.

StripStripHooray · 04/05/2021 21:58

I was a stripper for a long time in various clubs, from dive bars to "High class" gentleman's clubs. Dh was a bouncer in strip clubs for many years. Some of the assumptions and things on this thread bear no resemblance to the industry we work/ed in.

OP, if you are not happy about your partner going into a strip club then he should respect that and not go in. That's the bottom line.

Freyaismyname · 04/05/2021 22:05

@An0n0n0n

I disagree with it. My partner and his mates wouldnt find it entertaining, just awkward.

Tell him youll send a picture if your boobs to his mates if its just a laugh. Funnily enough it wont be when its your body and he feels he will be the butt of a joke.

This!
5128gap · 04/05/2021 22:08

Its completely pointless 'telling him' to stay outside. Even if he does this (rather than just go and lie to you) how does his forced compliance help? It won't mean he suddenly shares your moral standpoint, he will still be someone who thinks differently from you on this issue, but is doing as he's told, and it's never great when relationships involve one person telling the other what to do.
In your position I would explain why I thought it was wrong and hope it would make him review his choices. If it didn't then I would have my own choices to make based on what this revealed of his character.

Aria999 · 04/05/2021 22:17

@yomommasmomma

😳 No totally true I promise!

And yes a little inappropriate but it was an interesting life experience.

He was the MD, he wasn't gonna sack himself

beepbeepbonk · 04/05/2021 22:20

I've been to a strip club myself so I really wouldn't worry, my husband went for his stag do and I personally don't see it as something to worry about.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.