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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to let 11yr old go to local park on her own?

355 replies

dramaqueen80 · 03/05/2021 22:52

Just wondering at about what age would you let child go to park on own - to meet friends, hang out (we are in SW - small city)? Some of daughter's friends are allowed to go on own/with friends - and then they go to shops so walking around area. This is for a few hrs. I stay in park somewhere in sight - reading/working. Am not a big fan of kids hanging out in park (CV or no) - would prefer child engaged in more directed activities. She is end primary so will be off to secondary next year. Feels too soon to let them out in public on own - am I being ridiculous? When is ok (I'm feeling never Grin)

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 04/05/2021 11:05

@beachsidecafe

UrAWizHarry I think it is you that needs to get a grip, go and educate yourself and go to park this (the same one your kids no doubt go to) and see what is going on for yourself. If you are happy to put them at risk that is a matter for you. But so you know, one day they will be adults and wonder why the hell you would care so little for them, as to let them be exposed to the stuff that goes down there...really it is on you. Not me.

My kids have never been allowed to hang out in parks in the evenings. Can't say they have missed it one bit, and they are nearly adults now and preparing for uni, and are in good shape largely thanks to giving them independence in places where they were unlikely to come to harm. Jesus christ, its hardly difficult. Keep your kids safe.

I'm sorry you've obviously had bad experiences in parks. But I don't think you can ascribe the danger you're talking about to all parks everywhere, nor all kids and areas. You forget that lots of adults have been spending lots of time in parks in the evenings in recent months so we have a good idea of the nature of them. Yes, there are certain parks I wouldn't allow my kids to go to alone/with friends because the landscaping means there are too many private and hidden areas, but you can't assume everybody else is naively sending their kids off to become drug mules. There are risks involved in everything kids do without their parents.
beachsidecafe · 04/05/2021 11:07

I was raped beamur and I was very far from the only one.

This is very raw for me to hear people saying it is fine it is just dog walkers and tennis players. It really isn't. I lived in a very nice area, it just changed. Cars would cruise in with different men from outside. It was not good. Not anti social especially, but dangerous nonetheless.

Of course that is how it starts 'just a bit of independence', I used to have to be home before 6pm for dinner, and that was probably fine. Then my time to be home was moved to 7pm. 8pm and 9pm as I grew a little older, but not much older and thats when the trouble really began.

A park after dark is a very different place, and the winter is for half of the year here in the UK.

Once you have agreed they can go, then you can hardly change it. You are committed then to allowing your child to see and experience all the park offers, and seedy is a good description.

I so wish my parents had said no, like my friend, who was not allowed to go. She grew up with a different life experience to mine put it that way, and her house actually backed on to the park (perhaps it was her parents knowledge from their top floor of what the park actually means was the reason for not being able to go) I used to wish I was her even back then, I used to see her as cared for and loved child.

If I can make any difference to the outcome of a child on here, by asking parents to check out the parks their children are going to, don't assume they are safe because they are nice when you are there with toddlers. Then some kids might avoid the outcome we had to endure. Some of my friends died a few years later, from accidental OD, from suicide and other things. I didn't fare too badly compared to some.

midnightstar66 · 04/05/2021 11:08

Dd is 11 and all her friends are allowed. What's the difference between 11 year olds playing age appropriately in a park to toddlers or 5 year olds?

mightbealittlebitmad · 04/05/2021 11:09

It's very area dependent but I think by 11 a child should be able to walk to the park to meet their friends. I grew up in a tiny village with nothing to do so I had to make my own entertainment. I was out for hours playing in bracken, fields, riding my bike or rollerblading. I was definitely younger than 11 when I was allowed out unsupervised.

If I had an 11 year old now I would definitely allow him to play in the park next to the house, walk to the shop and maybe even to school with friends or the bigger park up the road It's difficult because he's not quite 6 yet but he's currently allowed to play in the park semi supervised, I'll leave him to play whilst I nip into the house for a minute or two, poke my head out of the door to check then maybe carry on in the house for another couple of minutes.

The only parks by me are small children's play parks, if they were bigger and less of a play area I might feel a bit more wary at certain times.

sashh · 04/05/2021 11:10

I used to be allowed to go to the park as long as I took the dog. The dog would probably have licked an assailant to death but my mum thought it was a deterrent, which it probably was.

Then we moved to a place where dogs were banned from parks so I wasn't allowed to go, but strangely I was allowed to walk past the park to get to the shop for my mum.

I think it depends on the area, the child and the friends.

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:11

I don't think I would be in a rush to let my eleven year old dd go to to a park, can't she do anything else that promotes independence?

Halloweenrainbow · 04/05/2021 11:11

By 11, I'd be OK with them going independently to meet friends for a specific purpose, for example: game of football, clothes shop, food etc, but I'd be nervous about the 'hanging around'. Unlikely to be kidnapped much more concerned about them being influenced by older kids and kids from areas that I don't know etc.

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:13

Get your dd involved in sports, or meeting for milkshakes? Going shopping somewhere safe and public. 'Hanging out' in parks is asking for trouble no?

audweb · 04/05/2021 11:16

Just let her go during the day time, and be home by a decent time. For all those worried about “parks at nighttime” there is a way to let your children have independence but also manage it. I’m sorry for those that had bad experiences - but it’s possible to give your children decent curfews, or manage where they go after a certain time.

My 8 year old understands this - they play closer to our block of flats as it gets later, and they only go to the nearby (tiny) park during the day. They come in before it gets dark. None of this will change when she’s eleven. As much as they need independence they also need boundaries - and it’s possible to do both.

midnightstar66 · 04/05/2021 11:21

8 is far far too young to be allowed out in a public space alone

Yet most schools are perfectly happy for dc to walk alone at this age

Wineandrun · 04/05/2021 11:22

My seven year old goes to the park alone/ with a friend. However we live in a very safe estate where I know lots of the families. And DC is extremely sensible, wears a watch and checks in regularly.

midnightstar66 · 04/05/2021 11:22

I would actually say no to the park. My own experience tells me that the parks are usually full of young kids/teens smoking, drinking, taking drugs and having sex

In the middle of the day? Goodness where on earth do you live?

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:22

My school (I work as a TA) wouldn't be happy with any 8 year old walking to school alone, and the parents would be invited in to discuss it.

Tal45 · 04/05/2021 11:30

Yes I'm not keen on kids or teenagers just hanging around any where. The ones who used to do this when I was at school were generally smoking/drinking/up to no good. When I was allowed to go to town we would just go and follow any boys we saw and fancied around :-O

I know exactly what you mean by directed activities - going to play tennis or going to the cinema or bowling. I'd be much happier with that then just hanging around parks or town centres. But it depends a lot on what their friends are like as well, do they actually just want to play at the park or are they just hanging around not knowing what to do with themselves.

Divebar2021 · 04/05/2021 11:34

Parks are not all created equally - crime rates will vary massively depending on where you live. I can imagine the parent in an inner city Borough needs to be a bit more cautious than elsewhere but not everyone who lets their 11 year old out to play is a neglectful parent or naive.

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:34

In the middle of the day? Goodness where on earth do you live?

I am not sure op means the middle of the day?! Surely there is no problem with going in the day, I assumed we were talking about after school and into the evening.

Bythemillpond · 04/05/2021 11:36

I am not sure op means the middle of the day?! Surely there is no problem with going in the day, I assumed we were talking about after school and into the evening

Children who have gone missing didn’t go missing in the middle of the night. It has been in broad daylight.

PegPeople · 04/05/2021 11:39

I am not sure op means the middle of the day?! Surely there is no problem with going in the day, I assumed we were talking about after school and into the evening.

A few hours after school would still be fine in my opinion but there's no indication this would always happen after school. There's plenty of opportunities for her to go during the middle of the day. We've just had the Easter holidays a whole 2 weeks off school so it would have been a perfect opportunity to go out for a few hours in the middle of the day.

Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 11:43

@Divebar2021

Parks are not all created equally - crime rates will vary massively depending on where you live. I can imagine the parent in an inner city Borough needs to be a bit more cautious than elsewhere but not everyone who lets their 11 year old out to play is a neglectful parent or naive.
That's a good point. The park I used to frequent as a child was lovely (still is, I have relatives who live near); it was in the same road as my school and up the road from my house. I often went in there with others straight after school for a short while, especially riding my bike. My children used to go to a really nice park too.

In both places you'd see families, mothers and grandparents with small children and babies in prams, in good weather.

I can imagine the teens hanging around, smoking, etc, in the evening if the park is still open, but not during the day in term time and not immediately after school.

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:43

It is dark at 4pm in the winter. So it would be a no from me. It would be a no anyway, surely there are better things to do than hang around street corners and parks bored stiff.

midnightstar66 · 04/05/2021 11:45

I think it is you that needs to get a grip, go and educate yourself and go to park this (the same one your kids no doubt go to) and see what is going on for yourself.

I think you're forgetting that most parents of 11 year olds have just spent the last 10 years hanging out at said park 😆.

DumplingsAndStew · 04/05/2021 11:45

DC2 has been doing this, or calling on a friend, since she was around 8 or 9. She started walking to school alone at 6 - but we don't have that weird English quirk of needing to deposit them safely in their classroom in case they melt.

So many parents stifle their children's learning opportunities, then complain that they don't become independent and self-sufficient teenagers or adults.

Do most children no longer just go knocking on a friends door? Is everything arranged by a 'playdate' by mum and dad?

Tehmina23 · 04/05/2021 11:49

I remember at 11 I used to walk to my best mates house then change into her mini skirt & we hung around the pub car park with older lads.. my mum had no idea.
She thought we were out cycling.
Luckily came to no harm.

midnightstar66 · 04/05/2021 12:00

I am not sure op means the middle of the day?! Surely there is no problem with going in the day, I assumed we were talking about after school and into the evening.

I don't think anyone is suggesting 11 year olds should be going to the park at night. After school (3/4pm) and weekends days etc is when my dd meets her friends

It is dark at 4pm in the winter. So it would be a no from me. It would be a no anyway, surely there are better things to do than hang around street corners and parks bored stiff.

But it isn't winter just now and it's light til 9pm or later here. Why would they be bored stiff? There's lots to do at our park. The play equipment is good for older dc, they play on it. They play hide and seek, among us, tennis, football, ride their bikes, play with younger dc they know from school (mine spends a lot of time playing with her little primary 1 buddy)

GintyMcGinty · 04/05/2021 12:01

Depends on the child and the area.

Mine have been allowed since age 11.

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