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AIBU?

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

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SandyY2K · 06/05/2021 15:43

Its very old fashioned to expect to have to pay for everyone and it's not a child's birthday. I'm 36, I would be more embarrassed if I were told it was paid for.

I do think younger people are more likely to be okay with paying for themselves, as I'd be embarrassed asking guests to pay. Just shows how different we all are.

When it was my 50th, DH organised a meal in a restaurant and paid for all the guests.

It was the same at my wedding where we had an open/free bar in the evening. Although, it's also a cultural thing for me too and I guess it's become part of who am. My friends who were not from my cultural background were surprised they didn't have to pay for their drinks.

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KrystalKendal · 06/05/2021 16:10

@Lweji

I meant I would be embarrassed if someone thought I expected to be paid for.

That is quite different from what you wrote.

Well I stand by both statements.

It's lovely if someone wants to pay for an event / activity and has the means to do so. Personally I prefer to pay my own way, and if the cost was covered for an activity I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with that and if no choice was offered would overcompensate on the gift. You, like me are entitled to your own opinion on this.

I am due to attend a party this summer at a friends house, they are covering the costs of this party. I will offer to bring anything and will undoubtedly bring a bottle and nice gift. Each situation is different but for an activity I would expect to pay.

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KrystalKendal · 06/05/2021 16:17

@SandyY2K

Its very old fashioned to expect to have to pay for everyone and it's not a child's birthday. I'm 36, I would be more embarrassed if I were told it was paid for.

I do think younger people are more likely to be okay with paying for themselves, as I'd be embarrassed asking guests to pay. Just shows how different we all are.

When it was my 50th, DH organised a meal in a restaurant and paid for all the guests.

It was the same at my wedding where we had an open/free bar in the evening. Although, it's also a cultural thing for me too and I guess it's become part of who am. My friends who were not from my cultural background were surprised they didn't have to pay for their drinks.

I completely agree, I think it has changed over time possibly due to the increase in expectations and costs.

It's really lovely you have the means to arrange and pay for a party which I hope you had a great time. My siblings and I arranged a 60th party for my late mum and I covered the costs of it, but likewise I am fortunate to have the means but I went to a mini golf event for mine and my friends paid for themselves. Just different for different situations and circles.

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Gottalovesummer · 06/05/2021 16:23

I'm in my 40's and have been to many many birthday celebrations over the years, from 21st birthdays onwards.

I've always paid for my own meal etc. There has never been any drama and everyone else has always been happy to pay their own way for a nice meal out.

Seems perfectly normal and very straight forward to me.

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Maggiesfarm · 06/05/2021 17:34

It does to me, too.

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Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 06/05/2021 19:01

@Gottalovesummer

I'm in my 40's and have been to many many birthday celebrations over the years, from 21st birthdays onwards.

I've always paid for my own meal etc. There has never been any drama and everyone else has always been happy to pay their own way for a nice meal out.

Seems perfectly normal and very straight forward to me.

This ☝️

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BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/05/2021 08:47

This is on Heart’s Instagram.

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Starseeking · 07/05/2021 09:39

We invited people to celebrate my Dad's 70th at a riverside restaurant a couple of years ago. Apart from my siblings and our families, there were about 20 people, all of a similar age to my parents. I don't know each of their individual circumstances, however I do know they have all known my parents for between 40-50 years, and that they are all very close.

The bill came to circa £2k, which my siblings and I covered between us. I would have been really embarrassed to go round asking the older people to pay; they were there to enjoy the food and drink and celebrate my dad, which is what we were happy for them to do.

In my world, if you invite someone to join you for an event, and don't specify that they need to pay for themselves, it's not great idea to spring it on them by presenting a bill for them to pay there and then.

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thenovice · 07/05/2021 09:52

I don't know anyone who could afford to spend £35 for their child to attend a kid's party. I assume they are also expected to bring the birthday kid a present as well.
We would have to say sadly we aren't free that day. Or is the purpose to weed out your poorer friends and keep only the rich ones?

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DelBocaVista · 07/05/2021 09:53

@thenovice

I don't know anyone who could afford to spend £35 for their child to attend a kid's party. I assume they are also expected to bring the birthday kid a present as well.
We would have to say sadly we aren't free that day. Or is the purpose to weed out your poorer friends and keep only the rich ones?

Who is charging for kids to attend a party?

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SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2021 10:06

@thenovice

I don't know anyone who could afford to spend £35 for their child to attend a kid's party. I assume they are also expected to bring the birthday kid a present as well.
We would have to say sadly we aren't free that day. Or is the purpose to weed out your poorer friends and keep only the rich ones?

Are you on the wrong thread. No one is charging kids £35 for a party and demanding a present

Someone is asking about getting adult friends to pay for an adult activity for an adult birthday.

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SaturdayRocks · 07/05/2021 18:23

@thenovice

I don't know anyone who could afford to spend £35 for their child to attend a kid's party. I assume they are also expected to bring the birthday kid a present as well.
We would have to say sadly we aren't free that day. Or is the purpose to weed out your poorer friends and keep only the rich ones?

I think you may want to do a quick re-read of the OP.

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capercaillie · 07/05/2021 18:56

I’d be fine with it. Probably wouldn’t give much of a present as a result but would hope you make that clear in the invite

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Bushgirl · 08/05/2021 10:45

You should pay.

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Jojofjo44 · 09/05/2021 10:56

I personally would set up a group chat and send similar to:
"Hi, husband big birthday coming up, soooo excited. I know that he would love all of you to celebrate with him, and I've a particular activity in mind, but it's outside of my budget to pay for everyone else too. Would any/all of you accept paying for yourselves, or £x towards it in advance so that we can all make his day extra special?
I understand that we all have limited funds at present, but it would mean so much if we can pull this together. Much love Jojofjo44"

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PerveenMistry · 09/05/2021 11:25

@Jojofjo44

I personally would set up a group chat and send similar to:
"Hi, husband big birthday coming up, soooo excited. I know that he would love all of you to celebrate with him, and I've a particular activity in mind, but it's outside of my budget to pay for everyone else too. Would any/all of you accept paying for yourselves, or £x towards it in advance so that we can all make his day extra special?
I understand that we all have limited funds at present, but it would mean so much if we can pull this together. Much love Jojofjo44"

Ugh. People are busy and have their own priorities. Why does a grown man need this group effort to feel "extra speshul" at everyone else's time and expense?

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DelBocaVista · 09/05/2021 13:23

Ugh. People are busy and have their own priorities. Why does a grown man need this group effort to feel "extra speshul" at everyone else's time and expense?

Don't you ever do anything special for a friends birthday?

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Lweji · 09/05/2021 17:05

@DelBocaVista

Ugh. People are busy and have their own priorities. Why does a grown man need this group effort to feel "extra speshul" at everyone else's time and expense?

Don't you ever do anything special for a friends birthday?

To be fair, even though I'm arguing that ideally (or that it's fairer that) the person doing the invitation should pay, more often than not we are all grateful that one of us organises anything and are quite happy to pay for ourselves (I know I am) just for the pleasure of all being together, and not always necessarily just for the birthday person.

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