Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

[KQuest]

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

[skybluee]

@Nohomemadecandles

Do you know what IS vulgar? Making snotty assumptions based on "class" and wealth about people you don't know on the Internet.

That's vulgar. People with "class" appreciate that there's differences in available cash, acceptable asks within friendships and can bend from their "what will people think?" rigidity.

Agree - it's usually the people who are not very pleasant in general (ironically, a fairly classless way to behave) who start bringing up 'class'.

In my friendship group we always pay for the person whose birthday it is. That doesn't mean I'd turn around and say to someone who does it differently that "it's really low class not to pay for the birthday girl". I'd try to understand that people have different ways of doing things.

For me it'd depend what the activity is. For example, if we're all going out for an Italian meal - we probably would all pay for ourselves but put in some extra so the birthday boy/girl doesn't have to pay for their meal and has it as a treat/their birthday present. It is their birthday, after all!

At the end of the day I don't think it matters which way around its done as long as its consistent.

[Starseeking]

[quote Cantstandthesnoring]@Starseeking Can I ask what you were expecting when you went to a friend of a friends party? was your expectation that they'd pay for your food and drink, for a friend of a friend?[/quote]


It wasn't a party, or at least it wasn't billed as such. They invited me for brunch to celebrate their engagement, and I accepted. I didn't expect to pay, as they never mentioned a price. People need to be very clear about costs upfront, as people are in different situations. I'm in a very different financial position now, but I'd still expect to be told if I was invited somewhere and there was a cost involved, in my view that's just being considerate and polite.

[skybluee]

@sunsetsand

"It’s because I want to though- none of those things sound horrendous and I’d always find work- arounds anyway. Don’t enjoy abseiling - I’ll have a coffee while you do it then we’ll have lunch after. Don’t enjoy camping, I’ll turn up on day two with hot bacon rolls and we can go to the beach... I just love to have fun and I’m pretty flexible and relaxed about it all"

You'd change the whole atmosphere of what they'd planned doing this?! Just say no if you don't like something instead of "work arounds" . Nobody wants this!

Imagine abseiling and trying to enjoy the activity knowing that your friend was sat having a coffee patiently waiting. When it starts to drizzle its at the back of your mind, oh no, Holly is waiting at the bottom for us. Then they have to go for lunch with you after? Why? Do that another day. They invited you to abseil, not to lunch.

Getting into the swing of things camping, friend wants to try out his new camping stove, the smell of cooking bacon and sausage around the camp. No showers but it's ok, everyone's messy and in the same boat.....until, wait, here's Holly with bacon sandwiches she bought from the shop all fresh and clean and telling us we need to go to the beach with her .

That's not what they planned!! Work arounds indeed!

Also just want to add I know it's off topic but I completely don't understand this!

I'd much rather see my friend than them not come, even if they weren't doing the activity.

Most people would just be happy to see them.

If someone turned up with some sandwiches does it really matter... just have them along with the stuff that's being cooked? It sounds like it was just an example anyway. And as for 'all clean and fresh' when other people have been camping, and not on the same playing field... does that matter at all? It would just be nice to see them and have them turn up. It's not really about the activities or the sandwiches, it's about spending time together/seeing someone for their birthday, even if it's just popping in/not being able to do the entire thing, that's better than none of it!

If she was at a cafe somewhere waiting for us to finish abseiling, I'd imagine everyone would think that she wanted to come, had decided to come and was probably enjoying watching?

[LawnFever]

It wasn't a party, or at least it wasn't billed as such. They invited me for brunch to celebrate their engagement, and I accepted. I didn't expect to pay, as they never mentioned a price. People need to be very clear about costs upfront, as people are in different situations. I'm in a very different financial position now, but I'd still expect to be told if I was invited somewhere and there was a cost involved, in my view that's just being considerate and polite.

For a meal in a restaurant I’d always expect to pay my way, if it was an invite to someone’s home I would expect any food would be provided by the host.

I think your expectation that they’d pay for your meal was wrong, if I was short of cash I would decline a restaurant invite.

[DelBocaVista]

@Starseeking

Years ago, I was invited to a friend of a friend's engagement brunch at a smart location, there was no mention of any cost, and I had no idea how many people were invited in advance of arriving. Looking around when I was at the event, there were about 50 people in attendance.

At the end of a lovely brunch, we were each presented with an individual bill of £60. I was mortified, as at the time, I was up to my eyeballs in debt, and would not have chosen to go if I'd known the cost, particularly for a friend of a friend. I had to put the cost on the tiny space left on my almost maxed out credit card, as I had absolutely no cash in my account.

If you want to charge people for this event, please tell them upfront, but prepared for some people to decline, as that may not be how they choose to spend their money, even if it is for your DH's birthday.

I can't believe you expected to get all of that for free.

[LawnFever]

@leftistbimbo

If my friend invited me to do an activity for their birthday I would definitely expect to be paying for myself! Equally if I was planning an activity day out for my birthday, I wouldn’t be pushy or disappointed if someone in the group didn’t want to pay, and would organise a drink out afterwards or on another day that they could come to.

Very confused by the replies saying they think you should pay for the whole group.

Yeah me too, I always find these threads where people claim you should pay for everyone and if you don’t it’s horrifically rude really quite strange because that’s just not how it works in my family or friendship group.

If someone wanted to pay that would be lovely but I find it perfectly acceptable for someone to say we’re doing X for my birthday and it costs £, do you want to come?

It’s an invite, if people do/don’t come it’s ok, it doesn’t mean you have to pay for everyone.

[Starseeking]

@LawnFever

It wasn't a party, or at least it wasn't billed as such. They invited me for brunch to celebrate their engagement, and I accepted. I didn't expect to pay, as they never mentioned a price. People need to be very clear about costs upfront, as people are in different situations. I'm in a very different financial position now, but I'd still expect to be told if I was invited somewhere and there was a cost involved, in my view that's just being considerate and polite.

For a meal in a restaurant I’d always expect to pay my way, if it was an invite to someone’s home I would expect any food would be provided by the host.

I think your expectation that they’d pay for your meal was wrong, if I was short of cash I would decline a restaurant invite.

It wasn't in a restaurant, it was in a marquee in a smart location. I couldn't have imagined there would be card machines there, but out they came!

I'm a brilliant financial position now, so it wouldn't happen again, but years ago in my impoverished state, I wasn't equipped to pay bills like that without being informed beforehand.

[MiddleParking]

I can’t believe people are trying to make out the engagement party poster is the one in the wrong sixty pound a head!

[stayathomer]

your example of the expensive restaurant ignores the fact that many people in this scenario don’t start out with the premise of “I want to go to a fancy restaurant”. They start out with the premise of “I want to spend time with my lovely friends”.
Not always though- sometimes people want both, and that's their right. I've sat in restaurants I hated and couldn't afford and nearly cried afterwards at the fact that I spent about 50 quid on something I hated when I hadn't been able to afford cheap make up, toiletries or clothes in months. And people can say she'd have understood but they do know I'm a fussy eater and money wasn't great but in the last case when we were trashing out where we'd go she really really wanted to go there and her suggestion for us not to go was in a very small voice. Her birthday her dream place! (We always club in for birthday person here too)

[HowToBringABlushToTheSnow]

Party - host pays
Dinner at a restaurant / drinks at a bar (at a regular table / in the main bar) - guests pay for themselves
Private room at a restaurant / bar - host pays

[Womencanlift]

I had birthday drinks in a bar once. Nothing formal just a we are going to be in x bar at x time feel free to drop in.

I did book the space at the bar just to make sure we had some seats. There was no minimum spend or anything like that.

Anyway the bar, unbeknownst to me, had opened a tab and people had used it. Easy misunderstanding and I wasn’t annoyed. When I found out I immediately went to close it and pay for it but a friend stepped in and said it’s your birthday you are not paying for anything and paid on my behalf. He got quite a few drinks bought for him by others to make up for it so by the end of the night he was even.

Main point of the story is my friends were all mortified about the mix up and were all in agreement that I should definitely not have to pay as it was my birthday which was unexpected but a nice thing to do

[DilemmaADay]

I know people on here always say it's tacky but I often wonder if it's a class thing. I'm very working class and in my circle of friends it is absolutely normal to all pay for ourselves. If the party is at someone's house then they provide food but we bring our own drinks. If it's a function room in a pub type thing then there'll be a buffet but it's a pay bar. I've only ever been to one wedding with a free bar in my life.

@Honeybobbin - Yes, I am the same! Grew up very working class as well and was honestly amazed reading MN at how people expect to be paid for all the time just for turning up to something.

OP, I wouldn't think it was rude to ask people to cover their part of the activity, but make it clear in the invite. Otherwise, stick to something a bit cheaper you can cover yourself like a buffet and drinks in the garden

[MusicMenu]

I actually had the exact opposite of this. In my circle it is completely normal to pay for yourself in a restaurant or for an activity, regardless of the occasion or who organised it.

However, for my 50th and influenced by MN threads like this I considered organising an activity and picnic where I would pay but maybe ask people to contribute to the picnic.

The consensus among people I spoke to before going public was that they'd happily contribute to the picnic, but they much preferred it if everyone also paid for their own activity - they didn't want a precedent setting that suggested people paid for their own big birthday celebrations going forward.

[Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough]

An activity or going out for a meal? I'd expect to pay for myself. Going to your house for a meal/party then being asked to pay would take the proverbial.

[PerveenMistry]

I'm in the United States and it's expected that hosts of a special occasion provide the hospitality including food and drink. Whether at home or at a commercial venue. I'm 57 and have never attended a wedding or party where guests were charged.

If someone wants to organize a self-pay outing, they need to be clear.

The OP should frame this as activity first, birthday second. "Would anyone like to join us on Saturday the 18th for a paintball competition? It's $50 per person at the door, and they also sell food and drink. Oh, and that's Rob's birthday so I'll be bringing cupcakes to share. Let me know by tomorrow so I can reserve enough spots."

[Ragwort]

To me it's all in the wording, if you 'invite' someone to share birthday celebrations with a specific activity then I would assume the host pays. Presumably the host has picked the activity and the date and then guests would assume (in my circle) that the host pays.

I have a crowd of friends where we meet up for a meal every couple of months, no one is 'inviting'' the others - we discuss and agree the date and venue and that, to me, makes it clear that we all pay for our own meals.

[CharlotteRose90]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. I’d quite happily pay it as long as I got reasonable notice and it was something I wanted to do. In my group of friends for birthdays we’ve done zip lining, golf weekends, paint balling etc and as a group we pay for ourselves and for the birthday person. The only thing the birthday guest pays for is food.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@PerveenMistry

I'm in the United States and it's expected that hosts of a special occasion provide the hospitality including food and drink. Whether at home or at a commercial venue. I'm 57 and have never attended a wedding or party where guests were charged.

If someone wants to organize a self-pay outing, they need to be clear.

The OP should frame this as activity first, birthday second. "Would anyone like to join us on Saturday the 18th for a paintball competition? It's $50 per person at the door, and they also sell food and drink. Oh, and that's Rob's birthday so I'll be bringing cupcakes to share. Let me know by tomorrow so I can reserve enough spots."

Tbf its very rare for anyone to charge to attend their wedding in the UK, that's why on the odd occasion it pops up on either side of the ocean, such a big deal is made of it.
Cash bars are v usual but paying for your own night of drinking isnt the same as a £50 entry fee

[Metallicalover]

Are you expecting for them to bring a gift as well as food? If so your being very unreasonable! Could you put of buffet/bbq on or something at your house after the activity and say no gifts as your presence is enough??
I think you should speak to your husband re 'guests' paying for their own attendance to his surprise. He may be too embarrassed if he finds out nearer the time that they're expected to fork out for a gift, activity and meal.
Or as others said, cut your cloth and do what you can afford

[CorianderBee]

We've done this. You just ask and make it clear there's no obligation.

[ExpatAl]

Find an activity you can afford.

[NeedToKnowMoreThanThis]

You can't ask them to pay - I'd be offended I was asked to pay as a guest. My DW and I were both lucky enough to have fairly big parties for our 40's, but we couldn't spend that much on a 'normal' birthday (or every year!).

[bondgirl76]

Dont see how you can invite people and ask them for money...

[Familyshopper]

@KQuest

A few years ago, he planned an activity for his birthday and paid for everyone's ticket, but he has more money than me.
I'd expect to pay for my own ticket for an activity day in the same way I'd pay for my own dinner.
Thank you for your comments

Well there you go you answered your own question !

[Michellelovesizzy]

R they close friends? I would be happy to pay £35 for an activity at a birthday party of close friends