Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

[KQuest]

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

For an activity it’s fine

So say I’m doing xxx for dh birthday. It’s £35 per person

Let me know if you want to come

[Lweji]

Plenty of people on this thread have said it IS OK.

That was my point. It isn't a MN consensus. On the contrary.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I haven't called anyone vulgar or trash, in case you're confused I didn't say you @lweji* just general comments on here

But will you invite your friend on a stricter budget to an expensive cocktail bar on your birthday and expect her to pay her own way? I'm unlikely to have a higher budget but in general we go somewhere mid range. If I was rich then I'd happily cover their costs. As the least likely to be doing that, I would pick something cheaper off the menu not turn up and expect my friend to pay for it all.
Or will you expect to get expensive drinks on her birthday while she drinks cheap wine? Surely the point is she's choosing somewhere she can afford and wants to go to?

If you are not happy sitting with a couple of bottles of wine on her birthday, you (and other friends) can always be generous and offer a round of drinks, or at least pay the host a drink. Again the point was about HER wanting to go OUT.

"If friend said I really want to go out for cocktails but I only have £20 so perhaps we can buy some mix and sit on the garden instead" I'd much rather we went out, paid our own way, got her a birthday drink and she had the night she wanted.
Rather than "yes your garden will be fine because the only person who should pay on your birthday is you" like some here would.

[IrmaFayLear]

The OP says it is an activity, in which case it is fine to tell people the cost. Not for a children’s party, of course, but if it’s, say, a kayaking trip then it’s acceptable to ask if people want to get together for dh’s b’day, and would people be up for an activity at £35 each.

[Holly60]

@sunsetsand

"You have quite an odd idea of what friendship is! If I say to my friend I’m happy having a coffee they know I’m happy having a coffee and can look after myself. At no point would they be concerned I wouldn’t know what to do if it started raining 😂"

You're completely missing the point *@Holly60*. It's natural to be concerned that someone is waiting for you, it's not that you "wouldn't know what to do". Having you sitting around waiting completely changes the dynamic of that activity.

We have a friend who would be the type to say no to camping and then turn up and completely change the dynamic by bringing along bacon butties and visiting for the day. She now has to be given firm boundaries or she'll just plough ahead with it regardless.

She thinks she's quite easy going too but it can be exhausting tbh.

You sound like a lovely friend but this is the sort of discussion where we are just not going to agree. Suffice to say though that my friendship group sounds like it’s a lot more easy going than yours. We prioritise just seeing each other and if one person wants to come along and have a coffee or someone else wants to come for one day of camping and offers to bring some bacon sandwiches, then that’s fab. We wouldn’t get annoyed because they are ‘changing the dynamic’ or think that we have to start putting in ‘firm boundaries’ 😂 we are all too busy just having fun and being glad everyone is together.

[Lweji]

"If friend said I really want to go out for cocktails but I only have £20 so perhaps we can buy some mix and sit on the garden instead" I'd much rather we went out, paid our own way, got her a birthday drink and she had the night she wanted.
Rather than "yes your garden will be fine because the only person who should pay on your birthday is you" like some here would.

That is fine, of course.
It's more the expectation that others will pay towards a lavish birthday do that you can't afford.

In this case, btw, the OP (or rather her DH) want a surprise event. It really doesn't feel like organising an activity that people are welcome to join, but a proper do for his birthday, even if in the shape of an activity.
In any case, my view here is that he should pay. Not the OP, nor his friends.

[Bluntness100]

Generally I think this is about finances and friendship. If you’re good mates and can easily afford it you’re happy to pay. If you’re skint and/or you don’t really have any good mates and would fall into the definition of rent a mate, probably not.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@holly60 I'm with you. I'm not sure @sunsetsand likes her friend very much as she's clearly incapable of following the rules and wants to join in with the boys she likes. Friend should just stay home and think what a disappointment she is 🙄

[Holly60]

@Blondeshavemorefun

For an activity it’s fine

So say I’m doing xxx for dh birthday. It’s £35 per person

Let me know if you want to come

Agree totally!

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Lweji actually we agree re payment for op. I think this expectation that he wants a "suprise" but to do X and invite blah and blob and blank really sounds like he can't be arsed to do the leg work and is hoping op will pick up the £350+ price tag.

@KQuest if it isn't shared finances, tell him you need his bank card

[DelBocaVista]

People saying 'just wait until you can afford it' just don't seem to understand that not everyone has huge amounts of disposable income.

[Lweji]

@DelBocaVista

People saying 'just wait until you can afford it' just don't seem to understand that not everyone has huge amounts of disposable income.

My point is that people who have a limited budget shouldn't be able to afford going and paying for all their friends' dos either, if they go to all of them.

It doesn't really matter who pays, if we all go to each other's dos and they all tend to cost the same.
The problem is when there are different incomes. When we organise birthdays, people who are well off tend to choose more expensive places and people less well off tend to choose cheaper places. So, those less well off may well end up (say, at the end of the year) paying more than they would if they had paid for their organised do. IMO.
Or the less well off end up going to less birthdays to balance their budgets. But they could instead go to all birthdays but have less people at their own, if each one covered the cost of their own birthdays. It would take putting some money aside every month for that purpose, of course.
You could do your own calculations in relation to your friends and the different scenarios.

BTW, among my friends we also tend to pay our own way, when we do something, and you won't hear a pip from me to anyone about that. I'm told how much it will cost and that's fine. But then, I don't struggle financially. Others may not say anything but skip a few events with an excuse.
OTOH, thinking of my own milestone birthday this year, I'm prepared to cover the cost of anything I plan, if I'm able to do anything with friends around when the time comes. (also the usual rule in our family)

[sunsetsand]

"I'm not sure @sunsetsand likes her friend very much as she's clearly incapable of following the rules and wants to join in with the boys she likes. Friend should just stay home and think what a disappointment she is 🙄"

🤣 what are you talking about? There are no "boys" for a start.

Maybe it's an age thing since you're talking about "boys and fun and just being together" but yes, friend should just stay at home if she doesn't fancy whatever activity it is. Not decide to change the bloody activity to suit her. We can meet to do something she likes another time.

[DelBocaVista]

My point is that people who have a limited budget shouldn't be able to afford going and paying for all their friends' dos either, if they go to all of them.

There's a huge difference in paying a large amount at once or much smaller amounts over a longer period of time.

[Slippy78]

In my group of friends the host is the only person that doesn't pay, everyone else chips in for their share.

It is their birthday after all....

[SaturdayRocks]

I think the OP has gone, people.

Hopefully to tell her CF husband that - while she’s happy to organise - he can put his own hand in his wealthier pocket to fund his birthday party.

[Lweji]

@DelBocaVista

My point is that people who have a limited budget shouldn't be able to afford going and paying for all their friends' dos either, if they go to all of them.

There's a huge difference in paying a large amount at once or much smaller amounts over a longer period of time.

Yes. People don't realise how much they're spending overall. That's the main difference.

I'll quote myself on my main point, which seems to be conveniently overlooked:

The problem is when there are different incomes. When we organise birthdays, people who are well off tend to choose more expensive places and people less well off tend to choose cheaper places. So, those less well off may well end up (say, at the end of the year) paying more than they would if they had paid for their organised do. IMO.

[MoreOnlyMore]

Perfectly acceptable in my friendship group.

I've been to Thorpe Park, meals out, car shows etc and it's never occurred to that I wouldn't be paying.

[Bluntness100]

@SaturdayRocks

I think the OP has gone, people.

Hopefully to tell her CF husband that - while she’s happy to organise - he can put his own hand in his wealthier pocket to fund his birthday party.

But it’s not a party it’s an activity, he only asked her to plan it, and as witnessed by this thread many people would not only be happy to pay but would expect to.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@sunsetsand

"I'm not sure *@sunsetsand* likes her friend very much as she's clearly incapable of following the rules and wants to join in with the boys she likes. Friend should just stay home and think what a disappointment she is 🙄"

🤣 what are you talking about? There are no "boys" for a start.

Maybe it's an age thing since you're talking about "boys and fun and just being together" but yes, friend should just stay at home if she doesn't fancy whatever activity it is. Not decide to change the bloody activity to suit her. We can meet to do something she likes another time.

Unfortunate typo there. I Def didn't mean boys 🙄😳 I meant bits! Join in with the BITS. And is it really changing the activity to turn up on the morning with bacon? I mean does it impact your fun so much to have someone clean with food?? I'd love someone to bring me bacon sandwiches!!

[SaturdayRocks]

OK, so hopefully she’s gone to talk to him about what his actual expectations are, since the OP doesn’t really seem to know.

It’s his friends. And they clearly don’t pool money. And he has more of it than she does.

Probably not a bad idea to have a quick convo about it?

[SleepingStandingUp]

@DelBocaVista

People saying 'just wait until you can afford it' just don't seem to understand that not everyone has huge amounts of disposable income.

Then they shouldn't expect to enjoy certain experiences. Why should poor people get to enjoy a night fancy restaurant with friends just because they work as hard as someone richer but for less money. No, keep those kind of poor people in Macdonald's please or at home with plain ham sandwiches. They can have poor people fun.

Or some such nonsense.

I'd be horrified if some of these posters were my friends.

[Bluntness100]

Agree, she should talk to him about it, as she seems very unclear.

[SleepingStandingUp]

friend should just stay at home if she doesn't fancy whatever activity it is. Not decide to change the bloody activity to suit her. We can meet to do something she likes another time.
Do you though? You keep piling activities she dislikes knowing this means you expect her to not join in. Can't help but wonder if you're trying to edge her out the group. If, for example, my friends kept going to the Sushi bar and saying oh don't come Sleeping, we'll go elsewhere another time but never did, I'd start to take the hint

[DelBocaVista]

The problem is when there are different incomes. When we organise birthdays, people who are well off tend to choose more expensive places and people less well off tend to choose cheaper places. So, those less well off may well end up (say, at the end of the year) paying more than they would if they had paid for their organised do. IMO.

I understand what you're saying but that's not the point I'm making.
Many people just don't have access to hundreds of pounds worth of disposable income. They may struggle to pay £350 at once but can pay for a few activities over the year. Yes, that may cost them more in the long run but having £100s of disposable income available at once just isn't a reality for lots of people.