Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

[KQuest]

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

Then they shouldn't expect to enjoy certain experiences. Why should poor people get to enjoy a night fancy restaurant with friends just because they work as hard as someone richer but for less money. No, keep those kind of poor people in Macdonald's please or at home with plain ham sandwiches. They can have poor people fun.

Or some such nonsense.

I'd be horrified if some of these posters were my friends.

Me too. Some people are really detached from reality!

@sunsetsand seems to have very rigid ideas about planning time with friends. If you plan to go abseiling no one should expect lunch afterwards, in case it changes the activity. If you go camping, it is ABSOLUTELY not ok to turn up with warm food (especially if you have dared to have a shower first). Only go along if you are willing to follow the prescribed activity to the letter with no deviations! I think IRL there would be zero issues because in reality I just don’t think we’d be friends 😂

And no it’s not an age thing - I’m in my sixties and I can cope with my friends deciding to join in with the bits they enjoy and sitting out the bits they don’t!

Then they shouldn't expect to enjoy certain experiences. Why should poor people get to enjoy a night fancy restaurant with friends just because they work as hard as someone richer but for less money. No, keep those kind of poor people in Macdonald's please or at home with plain ham sandwiches. They can have poor people fun.

But poor people can´t pay for an expensive dinner for themselves, can they? So they won't be able to enjoy those experiences regardless.
They will be able to enjoy it if the richer host pays for it, though.

I think you have it in reverse.

If I am on benefits and my friend on a 6 figure salary wants their birthday in an expensive restaurant, should I have to pay, say, £50-100 to attend their birthday? Should I not be able to enjoy that experience because I can't afford it? Or should my friend pay so that all their friends can attend? Worse if I have more than one such friend.

What's wrong with then me forking out for a McDonalds (or some home food) for all my friends for the £50-100 that would cost me to attend each of their birthdays?
Or would the richer friends reject my poorer offering, as not worthy enough of them?

These are somewhat extreme examples, of course, but it still stands that if all go to fancier restaurants, the poorer person may think they are able to afford it better in small chunks, but is still spending a lot that they can't effectively afford, or that they would be able to throw at their own birthday if they put the same money aside regularly. Except that if they did the calculations they would think it was too much and they wouldn't be able to afford it.

This reminds me of people who think it is a good idea to put a non-urgent expense on their credit card because the smaller payments make it manageable and they can afford it that way.

@Slippy78

In my group of friends the host is the only person that doesn't pay, everyone else chips in for their share.

It is their birthday after all....

That's right!

Yes, that may cost them more in the long run but having £100s of disposable income available at once just isn't a reality for lots of people.

Well... that is stupid if it costs them more in the long run. And possibly why they don't have a bigger disposable income. They've been spending a large chunk of it on expensive friends' birthdays.
Birthdays don't come as surprise expenses. If I am on a low income and do want to invite people to have dinner with me, I can safely put away some money towards that birthday.

In my group of friends the host is the only person that doesn't pay, everyone else chips in for their share.

We used to do that at work, but we all went to the same low to middle cost restaurants near work. And we decided on the restaurant, as it wasn't organised by the birthday person, but as a group with the birthday person. It wasn't the case that one decided to suddenly have a special and costly experience on their birthday

@Lweji your example of the expensive restaurant ignores the fact that many people in this scenario don’t start out with the premise of “I want to go to a fancy restaurant”. They start out with the premise of “I want to spend time with my lovely friends”. Therefore part of that assumption is knowing they want to spend time with Lisa but Lisa has less spare cash, therefore the birthday person chooses a place where they know Lisa can find something within their budget.

It’s most common in my friendship groups that to celebrate big birthdays often it’ll be [Activity] then [meal] then [drinks]. People can come to all 3, or just the meal and drinks, or just the drinks. As well as different budgets, this also caters for people with caring responsibilities or people that don’t enjoy drinking, as they can choose to come just to the activity, for example.

Are you talking to me @Holly60 or just about me? You've tagged me but then referred to me as if you're talking to someone else.

My "ideas" aren't "rigid" but it's perfectly acceptable to say "no I don't fancy that" and for me to prefer that to "no I don't fancy that so let me fix it by adding in coffee/lunch/beach".

Not sure why you're repeating the exact same things you said earlier, no, I agree (for the second time) that we are very unlikely to be friends. And that's got nothing to do with changing group dynamics and everything to do with thinly veiled glee that some random on the internet has agreed with your view of things. Odd.

If I am on a low income and do want to invite people to have dinner with me, I can safely put away some money towards that birthday.

Lucky you

@sunsetsand

Are you talking to me *@Holly60* or just about me? You've tagged me but then referred to me as if you're talking to someone else.

My "ideas" aren't "rigid" but it's perfectly acceptable to say "no I don't fancy that" and for me to prefer that to "no I don't fancy that so let me fix it by adding in coffee/lunch/beach".

Not sure why you're repeating the exact same things you said earlier, no, I agree (for the second time) that we are very unlikely to be friends. And that's got nothing to do with changing group dynamics and everything to do with thinly veiled glee that some random on the internet has agreed with your view of things. Odd.

Of course it’s ‘acceptable’ to say you don’t fancy doing something. It’s just that in my friendship group we tend to manage to go along to most things and enjoy each other’s company, even if that means that some people don’t join in with all the activities. I’m just not sure what constitutes ‘changing the activity’ for you. To give another example then, if I organised to go for cocktails but one friend said ‘I’d love to come but I’m not drinking’ would that mean that they shouldn’t come along because they are not doing the activity exactly as I originally envisioned it? Or what about if I organised dinner and drinks but another friend said ‘ooh I’d love to come for drinks but I can’t do dinner’, should I reply and say ‘oh no you can only come if you come to dinner too as that’s the activity I’ve planned’. I am genuinely struggling to believe that you would really do this to your friends

If my friend invited me to do an activity for their birthday I would definitely expect to be paying for myself! Equally if I was planning an activity day out for my birthday, I wouldn’t be pushy or disappointed if someone in the group didn’t want to pay, and would organise a drink out afterwards or on another day that they could come to.

Very confused by the replies saying they think you should pay for the whole group.

@Holly60 you're being deliberately obtuse. The last examples of cocktails vs mocktails you've given are completely different to your previous "work arounds" and you know it.

I've just asked DP if he'd want me to turn up with bacon butties on his next camping trip. He said "what? Half the fun is in the campfire cooking". Exactly. As for throwing in a random beach trip....I wouldn't do that to my friends either, no. Struggling to believe you would tbh.

[quote sunsetsand]@Holly60 you're being deliberately obtuse. The last examples of cocktails vs mocktails you've given are completely different to your previous "work arounds" and you know it.

I've just asked DP if he'd want me to turn up with bacon butties on his next camping trip. He said "what? Half the fun is in the campfire cooking". Exactly. As for throwing in a random beach trip....I wouldn't do that to my friends either, no. Struggling to believe you would tbh.

[/quote]
Shall we just agree to disagree? It’s getting a bit boring isn’t it?

Sorry, don’t really think that’s ok.
Can you do a surprise dinner party at home? We’ve done several for each other over the years. Fabulous, would much rather do that than go out, tbh. Food doesn’t have to be spectacular, it’s the company of friends that counts. For 10 you could do something really nice for £100. Ask them to bring wine.

@Lweji

Yes, that may cost them more in the long run but having £100s of disposable income available at once just isn't a reality for lots of people.

Well... that is stupid if it costs them more in the long run. And possibly why they don't have a bigger disposable income. They've been spending a large chunk of it on expensive friends' birthdays.
Birthdays don't come as surprise expenses. If I am on a low income and do want to invite people to have dinner with me, I can safely put away some money towards that birthday.

but it's a bit chicken and egg isn't it. You need to suddenly declare to all your friends that you intend to pay for them all to go to Jamie Oliver's in 6 months so won't be going to any other birthday celebrations as you need to save. Jess who's birthday is next week is then under pressure to do the same or accept her best friend won't come. But she hasn't had months to save so now it's a choice between excluding the saver or paying for everyone and picking somewhere she can afford ten meals from without saving.
The next mate might have a bit more notice to save up but the 4th mate, who wasn't going to do anything now feels pressure to do her turn.

This is the thing. If you all pay your own way you can ways twerk things if you want to go somewhere special you can do something to cover that.

If everyone feels they have to provide a big event and compete with what X did, even if that's not overt pressure, I'd think it takes some of the fun out of it

I can't believe how many people wouldn't pay to do something to celebrate their friend's birthday!

If they're a good enough friend then you'd want to pay to take part, or if you couldn't afford it then they'd understand. Really can't get on board with all these people who are looking to be offended by this.

I really don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask people to pay, write it on the invite that you 'don't expect any gifts and instead you'd love to do XYZ at a cost of £35pp, hope you can make it!'

If they're good enough friends, they'll go or tell you they can't afford it!

if you hosted a party, people would spend that at the bar! and with £350 being a lot of money to you (and most of us!) your friends will know and appreciate that.

alternatively, bounce the idea of your friends and see what they think? give them the options.

ALSO IMO, the people saying they don't celebrate their birthdays because they can't afford to but go to their friends birthdays only if their friend pays.... no wonder they have nobody to celebrate their birthday with.

@Cantstandthesnoring

ALSO IMO, the people saying they don't celebrate their birthdays because they can't afford to but go to their friends birthdays only if their friend pays.... no wonder they have nobody to celebrate their birthday with.

Good point!

I would never expect to go out for dinner on someone’s birthday or do an activity and for them to pay. We just split the bill, and like a previous poster might pay for the birthday boy/girl between us.

'Group of friends' hmm Are you 12?!?!

Sorry to go back about 300 posts, but I'm trying to work out @CervixHaver - are you seriously saying that people aren't expected to have groups of friends unless they are 12 ??

Years ago, I was invited to a friend of a friend's engagement brunch at a smart location, there was no mention of any cost, and I had no idea how many people were invited in advance of arriving. Looking around when I was at the event, there were about 50 people in attendance.

At the end of a lovely brunch, we were each presented with an individual bill of £60. I was mortified, as at the time, I was up to my eyeballs in debt, and would not have chosen to go if I'd known the cost, particularly for a friend of a friend. I had to put the cost on the tiny space left on my almost maxed out credit card, as I had absolutely no cash in my account.

If you want to charge people for this event, please tell them upfront, but prepared for some people to decline, as that may not be how they choose to spend their money, even if it is for your DH's birthday.

No I wouldn’t expect guests to pay for a birthday activity. Because transport, food and a present on top would make it a costly day.

@Starseeking Can I ask what you were expecting when you went to a friend of a friends party? was your expectation that they'd pay for your food and drink, for a friend of a friend?

I mean it sea like you went to a random persons brunch for a free feed and it backfired