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AIBU?

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/05/2021 21:53

@SandyY2K

22:33KQuest

He has asked me to plan something as a surprise.

He's not just asking you to plan it, he's asking you to pay for it. A bit cheeky really.

I personally think it's wrong to ask your DP/DH/DW to plan a celebration for you at their expense.

Then you'll buy him a gift on top of this too.

I planned and organised a milestone party for my DH at his request, but he paid for the bulk of it.

I find it really odd that you have separate money.
I wouldn’t even consider this, I wouldn’t ask guests to pay but ‘we’ would pay.

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Gilld69 · 05/05/2021 22:03

yeh just say im planning such a thing its 35 per person would you like to come , i can take payment upront or ypu can pay on the day

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DelBocaVista · 05/05/2021 22:09

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I’d pay for them. 100% It’s only £350 for a special birthday, kids parties cost more than that. Pay.

The level of ignorance is astounding

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PerveenMistry · 05/05/2021 22:10

"Tbf its very rare for anyone to charge to attend their wedding in the UK, that's why on the odd occasion it pops up on either side of the ocean, such a big deal is made of it.
Cash bars are v usual but paying for your own night of drinking isnt the same as a £50 entry fee"

I meant not an admission charge, but that here in the US it's not usual for wedding or party guests to purchase food and drink. The hosts pay for the meal and the bar tab. I would be mortified to ask guests to fork over cash or credit card to the barman.

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Bizziejac · 05/05/2021 22:10

Some of the money shaming here is the reason why so many people give up on ever trying to organise a get together. Just tell everyone it's happening and that they are very welcome but that you can't afford to pay for everyone's food, sorry.

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Tigger1895 · 05/05/2021 22:13

If you invite 10 people the cost is on you. Did you invite people to your wedding and ask then to pay for the privilege?

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Blueink · 05/05/2021 22:32

I wouldn’t have a problem personally paying for an activity. Otherwise look if you could invite less people to make it affordable for you to cover the costs. That may work if they are not all part of one close circle. A separate present isn’t necessary either, he’s an adult, if that makes a difference to your budget

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SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2021 22:33

@PerveenMistry

"Tbf its very rare for anyone to charge to attend their wedding in the UK, that's why on the odd occasion it pops up on either side of the ocean, such a big deal is made of it.
Cash bars are v usual but paying for your own night of drinking isnt the same as a £50 entry fee"

I meant not an admission charge, but that here in the US it's not usual for wedding or party guests to purchase food and drink. The hosts pay for the meal and the bar tab. I would be mortified to ask guests to fork over cash or credit card to the barman.

You do get weddings with open bars here but I think the cost is hugely prohibitive after the sit down meal with drinks and the evening do with meal. We just wouldn't have had an extra few thousand for the bar bill

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LovelyIssues · 05/05/2021 22:58

If you are inviting them you are expected to pay. It's just basic manners

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ellyeth · 05/05/2021 23:22

I think you should pay - it could put people in an embarrassing position and it might annoy some to be asked to pay.

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CatsnCoffee · 06/05/2021 00:49

So you don’t pool your money? He’s asked you to give him a ‘surprise’ party and you have to pay for it out of your own (not joint) income! 🤔
I cannot imagine, as an adult asking my dp to arrange and pay for a party for me!
It seems an unusual arrangement, but I think you should only arrange what you can afford if he’s not offering to contribute financially.

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KrystalKendal · 06/05/2021 01:15

If you're inviting them to an activity / dinner etc to celebrate with you I think it's fine to ask them to pay but make sure you tell them the costs before asking for commitment. Its very old fashioned to expect to have to pay for everyone and it's not a child's birthday. I'm 36, I would be more embarrassed if I were told it was paid for.

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Tals812 · 06/05/2021 07:00

An activity for £35, £70 for a couple, then possibly a meal and/ drinks after, more ££. Child care costs ££ for those who are parents, then presents on top ££. Too much ask, why not do what you CAN afford. Backyard bbq maybe.

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Thewarrenerswife · 06/05/2021 07:08

@lostlife

Fur coat and no knickers

Cut your cloth to suit your means

It is rude and tacky,

Your statement is rude and tacky and does not even apply in this situation.

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Thewarrenerswife · 06/05/2021 07:14

I take it your husband knows you have less expendable income than he does.

Speak to him about the fact you are happy to arrange a surprise, but that you don’t have the spare money for an activity for his fiends.

Or arrange a surprise romantic picnic for just you two instead.

I do think it’s bizarre that he’s asked you to arrange a surprise, it sounds more like something my 6yr old wile ask me to do.

I also think it’s bizarre that he has enough money to splash out on friends but you don’t. Does that imbalance not cause discord?

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Lweji · 06/05/2021 07:21

I'm 36, I would be more embarrassed if I were told it was paid for.
Why?
It's not different from a wedding or party.

I can understand friends having a tradition of paying their own way for each other's birthdays. Although, I've put arguments forward on how it may not work out for some of the friends.

However, I don't understand being embarrassed that one decides to pay for an activity they decided on and want their friends to join. Unless they paid for you alone and all others paid their own way. Just give a better present.

Thanks

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2021 07:21

@CatsnCoffee

So you don’t pool your money? He’s asked you to give him a ‘surprise’ party and you have to pay for it out of your own (not joint) income! 🤔
I cannot imagine, as an adult asking my dp to arrange and pay for a party for me!
It seems an unusual arrangement, but I think you should only arrange what you can afford if he’s not offering to contribute financially.

This is the real issue imo.

DP, can you organise and pay for me to do X as a suprise for my birthday with these 8 mates! Thanks.

He needs to be handing over a credit card as a minimum

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Lweji · 06/05/2021 07:25

If he paid before, could it be that he can't afford it now?
And wants to pass on to the OP the responsibility of asking their friends to pay their own costs?
As a partner it's easier to say let's organise a surprise party for him and we all chip in £35, than come to my birthday celebration and it's 35, btw.

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Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 06/05/2021 07:58

The trouble is if the organiser can't afford to pay for everyone & doesn't ask people to fund themselves-then it won't happen.

That's fine I guess but it would reduce the options of activities/celebrations. There's always the awkward feeling that if one person in the group can afford to pay for everyone, everyone else may feel uncomfortable accepting such invitations if they can't ever reciprocate.

At least if it's always self funded each person only has their own fees to pay.

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LauraPearl · 06/05/2021 08:19

I would not do a party and expect my guests to pay. You said there were 10 people - could you not host something at home that would come within your budget? That could be the actual party - and then, as an extra, you could say to your friends that you've seen this activity that looks fun, and ask if anyone fancies joining you & DH as an extension of his birthday celebrations? Then whoever wants to go could pay for themselves. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you enjoy and that DH has a great B'day

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AhNowTed · 06/05/2021 08:37

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

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Hertsgirl10 · 06/05/2021 10:32

I think you should just ask them and see what they think.

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SandyY2K · 06/05/2021 12:48

@Toomuchtrouble4me

SandyY2K

He has asked me to plan something as a surprise.

He's not just asking you to plan it, he's asking you to pay for it. A bit cheeky really.

I personally think it's wrong to ask your DP/DH/DW to plan a celebration for you at their expense.

Then you'll buy him a gift on top of this too.

I planned and organised a milestone party for my DH at his request, but he paid for the bulk of it.

I find it really odd that you have separate money.
I wouldn’t even consider this, I wouldn’t ask guests to pay but ‘we’ would pay.

Lots of couples have separate money. I like having control over the money I earn and being able to spend it how I want to.

We both contribute towards bills, supporting our DC in university and holidays, but after that we keep our money separate and spend/save as we choose.

I have a friend who does the joint thing and when the CV bill comes, they sit together going through every purchase. I can't be dealing with that nonsense. I'd feel like a child having to justify every purchase or expense.

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KrystalKendal · 06/05/2021 12:57

@Lweji

I'm 36, I would be more embarrassed if I were told it was paid for.
Why?
It's not different from a wedding or party.

I can understand friends having a tradition of paying their own way for each other's birthdays. Although, I've put arguments forward on how it may not work out for some of the friends.

However, I don't understand being embarrassed that one decides to pay for an activity they decided on and want their friends to join. Unless they paid for you alone and all others paid their own way. Just give a better present.

It is different from a wedding or a party, you're basically asking to arrange something with friends to celebrate together. Weddings are expensive for a guest too, I have usually paid out for a hen for, or a hotel, travel and invested time to attend. At a party I would make sure I didn't arrive empty handed. An activity they are getting something for their money in exchange.
I meant I would be embarrassed if someone thought I expected to be paid for. It's very entitled.
In this day and age, where the cost of things is so much more, if someone had to cover the cost of everything they invited someone to do people just wouldn't do it. If friends want to take part they can choose too and pay the cost.

It shouldn't really be about the money, good friends should just want to celebrate with you and if someone can't / doesn't want to cover the cost they can find another way to celebrate with them

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Lweji · 06/05/2021 14:03

I meant I would be embarrassed if someone thought I expected to be paid for.

That is quite different from what you wrote.

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