We have a new part time nanny, currently settling in with out just 2 year old and 5 month old. I'm not back to the office for a couple of months but am WFH part time (hopefully, I will soon be able to be WFH on the nanny days, but currently I'm around to help most of the time whilst she's here).
We're on week 3 now, and there a few things which are making me a bit uncomfortable. She is drinking a lot of tea/coffee (at least 10 cups a day) which in itself is fine, but she leaves them accessible to my toddler. They are piping hot (freshly boiled water), not left to cool before being brought into reach. More than once I've had to pull DS away from the table they are at and ask her to move the mug. She is finding time to sit with the drinks instead of making an effort to interact with DS. He is pretty unsettled (new nanny but also other stuff happening as well) so is understandably a bit clingy, but I do feel that if she got down on the floor and started playing he would join her.
How should I approach this? Would IBU to ask her not to have hot drinks at all whilst she is around the toddler and baby? I'm not a tea/coffee drinker so may be underestimating how big an ask this is. I feel like I need to address the safety issue urgently, but also the decision to sit with feet up and a hot drink rather than interacting with the kids (again, if it were a couple of times a day it would be different, but it's at least once an hour).
AIBU?
To ask the nanny not to have hot drinks whilst looking after the children?
namechangedasouting · 03/05/2021 20:14
Am I being unreasonable?
1761 votes. Final results.
POLLAs I've said, I'm sure the dynamic isn't easy. I've never had a nanny before and I wasn't (and still am not!) sure on how best to settle. The first day she arrived, I went out for a walk with DD so that DH could introduce her to DS. He got very clingy to DH for about 5 mins then happily went down to play with the nanny (who had brought a couple of toys with her) for over an hour - great start I thought. The second day I was home when she arrived and DS got extremely upset whenever I tried to leave the room. Maybe I should have just done it and left them to it, but I didn't. So the third day I got my mum round and I went out again and it worked better. Common denominator for it being difficult is obviously me!
The hot drinks issue is probably where my anxiety is targeting itself because its a very clear safety issue in my mind. To the posters saying I should just leave her to it, would you do that if you had come into a room three times to find your toddler peering towards a piping hot mug of tea whilst the nanny was otherwise engaged (twice with the baby and once on the phone)? Maybe she would have been more attentive if she knew I wasn't in the next room, but surely if you're the one in the room with both children, you need to be responsible for them? It actually gives me the shivers thinking about it as he could have pulled it down right over his head.
I'm sure I'm an overanxious employer and that's probably a pain. But I did hire her with a few months to spare so that we had time to take it slowly and settle in. And with Covid, we had done all interviews on zoom and only met people in person socially distanced in a park - it's quite hard to get a good sense of the dynamic in that environment 
@namechangedasouting
The hot drinks issue is probably where my anxiety is targeting itself because its a very clear safety issue in my mind. To the posters saying I should just leave her to it, would you do that if you had come into a room three times to find your toddler peering towards a piping hot mug of tea whilst the nanny was otherwise engaged (twice with the baby and once on the phone)? Maybe she would have been more attentive if she knew I wasn't in the next room, but surely if you're the one in the room with both children, you need to be responsible for them? It actually gives me the shivers thinking about it as he could have pulled it down right over his head.
I'm sure I'm an overanxious employer and that's probably a pain. But I did hire her with a few months to spare so that we had time to take it slowly and settle in. And with Covid, we had done all interviews on zoom and only met people in person socially distanced in a park - it's quite hard to get a good sense of the dynamic in that environment
Thanks for clarifying op.
I agree the hot drink issue is a worry.
I also know (because I did the same) that wfh parents make a nanny's job a lot harder because the kids will naturally migrate to you and pick up your anxiety. I do know, from friends and from my own experiences, that too many cooks spoil the broth and yes, learning to say goodbye and 'go to work' is probably something you need to work on, but it's understandable why you didn't.
It does sound like it's not the right fit, and that's fine. But I'd still tell her the reasons why because if you don't, she'll never know snd if she wants to continue in this line of work, it's a basic, as everyone has said.
You sound like a great mum, you just need to find someone who perhaps takes the reins a bit more assertively and understands where you're coming from.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
On the surface, it’s hard not to agree with every other poster - hot cups are dangerous to toddlers, 10 cups in 10 hours is taking the piss, but this is REALLY a situation where it’s hard to judge without seeing what’s really happening because some of the things you’re saying, OP, make me think that yes, you are part of the problem? Let’s dissect.
Let’s start with the drinks themselves, and whether your nanny is a careless slattern (joking a bit, as I imagine this is all stressful).
More than once I've had to pull DS away from the table they are at and ask her to move the mug.
I understand that it’s very important to keep drinks and toddlers separate, but you’re saying that you’re stopping him before he reaches the table that contains the cup. Perhaps it’s exactly like this: DS’ hand is always centimeters from the table, grabbing toward it, when you stop him, and the drink is always centimeters from that; you’re giving her a chance but she does nothing. But I’ve also seen a lot of mums have their children several feet away from a table and the minute the child started toddling towards the table (still several feet away), the mum asks someone to move their hot cup from the table in a hurried, panicked voice. The ONLY reason I’m wondering this is because you later say:
I do try to step away and I've had my mum over as well to get her started whilst I've gone out to try to give her a chance with DS (which apparently worked quite well). But the disregard for safety is making it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving them alone with her - I do struggle with letting go and do recognise that this probably makes it harder for everyone involved.
So when she’s on her own, left to do the job you hired her for, she was fine? No hot drinks left in reach, no taking the piss with so many hot drinks and ignoring the children? You say it worked quite well without you, despite the fact that your mother was still there (why was this, by the by?), and you struggle with letting go. So if, with the exception of that one time, which you know worked just fine, you’re staying around and not letting the children settle with her then... maybe she doesn’t know what to do, except sit around drinking tea, and she figures she’ll just keep her mouth shut until you start working and then things will be fine?
Because I think this is a bit of the issue:
I'm sure it's not been the easiest start for her as DS has been quite difficult - having spent half his life in lockdown with me and DH, he's not adjusting very well to having someone else in the house. And DD is still EBF and also has spent her whole life as a velcro baby with me, so there's not a lot she can do there either.
Er... what? If course there’s a lot she can do. She’s a nanny. She can take care of your children. But yes, you may have to hand them to the nanny and walk away. That’s what she was employed for and probably what she expected. She came highly recommended, she probably knows how to help children and settle them, but not while they can stay stuck to you if they choose. I imagine she was expecting to have sole care of the baby for 10.5 hours and, as I said, is finding it all exceedingly awkward.
Also, I have to admit that I found this a bit 
:
He is pretty unsettled (new nanny but also other stuff happening as well) so is understandably a bit clingy, but I do feel that if she got down on the floor and started playing he would join her.
So you want her to just start playing on the floor by herself, and then hopefully, he will remove himself from you and be more interested in her? Easier solution: remove yourself from the situation. If you truly feel unable to just let the nanny get in with childcare in your own house while you WFH, set up a nanny cam that you can watch while working in your office? There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s what it takes for you to feel comfortable.
I’m just really curious (stuck in bed, too much time to think about a stranger’s life 
). Because as you said, OP, she came highly recommended with good references, etc, and you seem like the kind of person who would be extremely careful about that so... if the issue is your inability to disconnect, you may have the same issue with the next nanny, or some other issue, and the next, until you sort out your feelings about nannies, childcare, boundaries, guilt about going back to work (if there’s any of that involved, snd there shouldn’t be! We all do what we think is right for our families), and whatever else is involved.
Good luck, @namechangedasouting. 
I’m sure this is incredibly difficult.
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[quote namechangedasouting]@CandyLeBonBon thanks for all your posts, it's great to get the perspective. I did discuss with her about my mum letting her in on day 3 as day 2 was a bit of a disaster in the morning so I wanted to recreate day 1! She thought it was a good idea and it did seem to go well. But it's perfectly possible that my nervousness when I'm around is showing through, feeding into a cycle of unsettled DS, Nanny feeling undermined and me losing confidence![/quote]
Honestly op I do understand. I was the same when my eldest two were similar ages and I was a terrible nanny-employer, because I felt just like you did. It's much easier in some ways to actually go 'out' to work.
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