DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

[NOTabrat]

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

Obviously sweets, chocolate, etc weren't freely available.

If I'd let my kids eat & drink when they wanted at 3, one would have been dehydrated & starved to death and the other would have eaten 27 weetabix for breakfast & 10 tangerines before lunch. It's our job to teach them. And keep things in check.

@NOTabrat

And I don't comfort him while he's being told off. I comfort him afterwards.

I think helping them to work through feelings is fine.

I remember a relative's child kicking me hard in the shin aged about 4 and when I firmly told them not to kick they burst in to tears and their mum then swept them up and said, "oh no darling don't cry. It's ok" etc etc with no telling off or apology and it really annoyed me!

I think people are assuming you're along those lines, which it doesn't sound like you are so I wouldn't worry too much.

@NOTabrat

He has manners. He always says please and thank you. When we go to relatives houses he always asks and never helps himself but this is his home and I don't feel like he should have to ask to be able to have something to eat and drink in his own home. It just seems like unnecessary power and control over a three year old. Everyone has the right to eat and drink when they want in their own home.

Doesn’t that depend? Mine have to ask. But they know I will mostly say yes. I do want them to ask. We can then discuss. They don’t know when I have planned dinner - I don’t want them wandering into the kitchen a grabbing snacks half an hour before dinner. I don’t want them eating things I have bought for packed lunches or for dinner. We live miles from the shops, it’s not easy to replace stuff. If they grab it, and I need it but it’s gone, it could be an issue. If they ask, I can say “No, don’t eat that, but you could have this.” No big deal but means they learn to be considerate towards others in the house and not just take what they want when they want.

Sorry, OP but I agree with your DH and everyone else, you are way too soft with him, he needs more discipline. You do him no favours by pandering to him and giving in because you hate to see him cry, he's playing you!

You do sound a little bit soft in some regards OP but your DH sounds unreasonable shouting at a 2 year old and expecting him to sit in one room and play with his toys! Shouting at him repeatedly and saying stop whinging is not a nice way for a father to go on.
He should be allowed to wander into the kitchen as long as someone follows him to keep an eye. Sounds like your DH can't be bothered with following him to just keep an eye and wants to sit on his arse in the living room.

Agree. He’s 2 yo and everything OP has described is fairly typical toddler behaviour. I would think there was something utterly wrong with my husband if he saw our son being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs because he wanted what sounds like complete obedience from a 2 yo.

He sounds fine to me OP. Your DH is probably lazy about it all because he’s on number five, but the way you do it, pottering around together, sounds great to me. As long as you hold the line on the big stuff (and it sounds like you do), then he’ll be just fine.

I’ve done remarkably similar with my kids and I’ve got 2 teens, who help out with chores and don’t break the house rules (and are polite and charming with adults). There’s no need to rule kids with a rod of iron.

Yes he exaggerated but be stricter if you don't want your DS to turn into an obnoxious brat.

We'll give him a few chocolate buttons after dinner, as an example, then he'll go and get his step stool and help himself to more out of the kitchen cupboard even when told no.

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.

Based on these two things I'm inclined to side with your DH. You are not imposing consistent boundaries and as a result he is not behaving well.

He’s not going to behave perfectly all the time though, let’s not pretend as adults we haven’t helped ourselves to a few more chocolate buttons knowing we’d had enough. It’s so odd that so many people think if there isn’t total compliance and fear of punishment then the OP’s kid is going to be injecting heroin into his eyeballs aged 16.

This thread is like looking at a photo album of photos only of somebody's young kid and actually once you've seen two or three you get a bit bored. All these posts describing so much detail of your parenting. Who cares? One post was enough to elucidate on the issue, c'mon.
You are doting on your kid, OP, and I can see five times in this thread where you've become "upset" or "offended" by something which really wouldn't even have me raising an eyebrow.
You need something else in your life.
That's the issue.
Sorry.

you are being inconsistent
he needs to know 'no' means 'no'
we have kids that dont like the word 'no' at school, they whinge , whine and bellyache because they are used to having their own way if they cry

@babybythesea but I wasn't talking about disciplining I was talking about withholding affection as punishment - which is cruel to do to a partner let alone a child

his is his home and I don't feel like he should have to ask to be able to have something to eat and drink in his own home.

He is 3. He is not in charge. He doesn't buy the food or plan the meals and 3 year olds don't generally make healthy choices so good parents will tend to allow them the option of a drink/snack with boundaries. So getting yourself a cup of water, perhaps having free access to a specified fruit/veg plate available for a snack = ok. Helping yourself to as much chocolate milk as you fancy and all the leftover pudding in the fridge whenever you like without asking = not ok.

@MrMucker in fairness the OP has come up against some pretty nasty fuckers demanding more information, some have told her she doesn't care about her child - how is she supposed to feel about that?

@MrMucker

This thread is like looking at a photo album of photos only of somebody's young kid and actually once you've seen two or three you get a bit bored. All these posts describing so much detail of your parenting. Who cares? One post was enough to elucidate on the issue, c'mon. You are doting on your kid, OP, and I can see five times in this thread where you've become "upset" or "offended" by something which really wouldn't even have me raising an eyebrow. You need something else in your life. That's the issue. Sorry.

What does make you raise your eyebrow?

I'm actually gonna report this thread because although there's some sensible advice and comments, it's only among a sea of passive aggressive nastiness and REALLY shit advice

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in
You di realise that your son will quickly learn that all he has to do is cry to get his own way every single time.
Your job as a mother us to provide clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour appropriate for their age.
If my child acted the same as yours at that age I would consider him extremely bad behaved.
Your Dh may be dramatic with his statements but at what age are you going to implement consequences.
I work with teens whose parents didn't but by the time they are 11 its too late to sudden start demanding good behaviour if you ve never done it before.

@NOTabrat

And I don't want DS not to do something because the consequence of that is being shouted at. I want him not to do it because he understands why he shouldn't do it. I told him not to do something the other day while DH was at work and DS responded, "otherwise Daddy will be cross" and it really upset me.

The only thing I’d say to this is - it depends what he did that was wrong. At three he might not be able to understand why he can’t do something and even the explanation might not make sense to him. Hitting someone - it’s not kind, and he might be able to say that. He might really understand what being kind means, but he is still little and he might not really understand the concept. So it might still just be a simple ‘Daddy will be cross’ for him, whatever else is said. In that sort of instance, I’d say it’s fine, as he knows he shouldn’t be doing it, and you can add in the layers of reason as he grows, rather than expect him to grasp all the nuances of the situation immediately. Discipline is a long process and changes as he grows. Daddy may have a good reason to be cross that your son doesn’t yet get, but he will as he grows up. Daddy may not, of course - you’d have to be the judge of that!

What exactly is wrong with "doting on" your three year old child? I doted on mine all right, I don't think I put DS1 down until he was at least 18mo I adored them, centred them, spent all my time with them, thought about them ALL the time. It was a wonderful time. Now one's off to uni and the other is at college, I am working again and have many other interests that take up more of my time. There's NOTHING wrong with OP's child being the centre of her life at three, and it's frankly quite weird of you to suggest that's the problem, @MrMucker

Okay, okay, my kid is a spoiled brat, badly behaved, highly spirited. I have no boundaries, I'm too soft, good grief, and I don't care about his future because he sometimes helps himself to extra chocolate buttons. 🤣

@LolaSmiles ha, yes, that list sounds perfect, I shall check it out.

All the flannels are identical, of course.

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.

This will create the problems your DH is worried about. This needs to stop.

@MrMucker

This thread is like looking at a photo album of photos only of somebody's young kid and actually once you've seen two or three you get a bit bored. All these posts describing so much detail of your parenting. Who cares? One post was enough to elucidate on the issue, c'mon. You are doting on your kid, OP, and I can see five times in this thread where you've become "upset" or "offended" by something which really wouldn't even have me raising an eyebrow. You need something else in your life. That's the issue. Sorry.

I sure do dote on him. Bloody love him more than anything. But I also have a job and hobbies. And cute cats. But thanks anyway.

Oops. On the very little to go on that you've posted, I'm with your husband. Remember, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was, so we're told by many sources, allowed his own way as a child - and look what a monsterous, unpleasant waste of oxygen he turned out to be. Kids have got to learn early in life that the world doesn't revolve around them or owe them any favours. I suggest you put up with the tantrums and teach your child boundaries. He'll be a much more balanced adult for it, and a much more popular one too.