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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
Kangaroobill · 03/05/2021 21:38

I agree with your DH too. You’ve contradicted yourself so many times in your posts, if you do that in real life as it sounds you may then your son will be confused. It sounds like you’re undermining your husband also. As it’s DH’s 5th child, how have his other children turned out from his too strict parenting?

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 21:39

@numberoneson

Oops. On the very little to go on that you've posted, I'm with your husband. Remember, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was, so we're told by many sources, allowed his own way as a child - and look what a monsterous, unpleasant waste of oxygen he turned out to be. Kids have got to learn early in life that the world doesn't revolve around them or owe them any favours. I suggest you put up with the tantrums and teach your child boundaries. He'll be a much more balanced adult for it, and a much more popular one too.
But also, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, whatever we may think of him, is also an incredibly successful and wealthy individual. So what your saying is, if I keep up with this behaviour, my boy might be unpopular but he may well also be the PM, successful, and wealthy?
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 21:39

Has someone just compared the OP's three year old son to the leader of the Conservative party 🤣🤣 fucking hilarious!

Some of you need to go to bed

babybythesea · 03/05/2021 21:40

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@babybythesea but I wasn't talking about disciplining I was talking about withholding affection as punishment - which is cruel to do to a partner let alone a child[/quote]
I thought I’d explained where I saw the difference. I don’t see not hugging for two minutes after a child has done something as ‘withholding affection.” I see it as giving a consistent message that I’m not happy with that behaviour. Tone of voice, body language, words - all say the same thing. Because I am teaching them what is ok and what is not.
And it lasts for a minute or so max, it’s not indefinite.
Not the same as an adult who already knows this stuff and where discipline isn’t relevant.

I don’t think I can say it any other way so we may need to agree to disagree.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 21:40

@Kangaroobill

I agree with your DH too. You’ve contradicted yourself so many times in your posts, if you do that in real life as it sounds you may then your son will be confused. It sounds like you’re undermining your husband also. As it’s DH’s 5th child, how have his other children turned out from his too strict parenting?
What's been a contradiction?
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 21:41

@babybythesea if a small child, just out of babyhood, is reaching for the person they love most in the world for a cuddle, or reassurance, or just for them to talk to them, and that person refuses, that is cruel no matter what they have done

Twoforthree · 03/05/2021 21:41

How have dh's other kids turned out?

It may be that he's too strict because you are too soft. It may be the other way round. It's difficult to say without seeing the dynamics in action.

I think I was stricter than you though. Keep on top of the little behaviour misdemeanors, and the big things never develop.

Wallywobbles · 03/05/2021 21:42

I feel the comment about being on the same page with your DH hasn't really got enough press.

If your DH feels you aren't strict enough you are forcing him to be more strict. A lot of talking as a couple needed here.

It's rung a bell with me and we have 4 teens. DH is much more authoritarian than I. My parenting style is democratic. It's our main source of conflict. So be aware it's not going away and may get worse.

Clarabella77 · 03/05/2021 21:43

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

FFS don't listen to these people OP everyone gives in to their child now and again, if not because they feel bad then for an easy life. HE's three - tantrums, crying, shouting etc are all perfectly normal
I was thinking the same. And thinking I must be a diabolical parent for having given in once or twice. . .it must be by the sheer grace of luck that my 12-yr-old hasn't yet turned into the school bully.

The examples you cite all sound normal. But chatting to your partner about parenting styles is the solution here, as they are clearly not aligned.

As another poster said, I don't think the solution is ALWAYS to maintain a position of no, no, no just to win some sort of power struggle. That's a mistake i regret making too many times. And those exchanges were often unnecessarily draining. Sometimes picking your battles is key and you and your partner need to identify the boundaries that matter most. Sometimes - though not always - your child's disobedience is a sign if some hidden need thst might need addressed, rather than being an expression of bad behaviour.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 21:43

@NOTabrat

Okay, okay, my kid is a spoiled brat, badly behaved, highly spirited. I have no boundaries, I'm too soft, good grief, and I don't care about his future because he sometimes helps himself to extra chocolate buttons. 🤣
On the plus side though, a lot of people think he’s a machiavalian genius with his 3 year old manipulative, scheming, devious ways so that’s pretty good. He’s obviously far cleverer than their children to be so good at it!
sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 21:44

Actually Boris Johnson's childhood was chaotic, insecure, emotionally neglectful and at times borderline abusive, despite the economic privilege he was born into. Inconsistent parenting at its finest. It couldn't be further removed from the OP's parenting of her son Confused

peaceanddove · 03/05/2021 21:45

OP I think it very telling that your 3 year old DS felt sufficiently in charge that he could forbid your 15 year old stepson to come into the garden. Fair enough, you made him apologise afterward and explained why his behaviour was wrong but I suspect you have indulged him far too much in the first place, hence his mini-dictator attitude. I think you also mentioned that your DS tries to boss his older siblings around too? Not good. The dynamic is all wrong.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/05/2021 21:47

I think your DH sounds a b it if a drama llama saying he’ll be a violent drug dealer!

He might be a bit spoilt, but there’s a huge leap to drug dealer!

sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 21:47

The "mini-dictator attitude" Hmm is absolutely developmentally typical. He's 3. He's supposed to be a tiny tyrant! OP told him off and explained that it wasn't his role to decide who used the garden. On another occasion she removed him. Job done.

numberoneson · 03/05/2021 21:49

NOTabrat

You're just being deliberately obtuse now.

I'm sorry if my response was offensive to you, but quite obviously the issue of wealth and power is unrelated to the issue of personality traits. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson's wealth came from his family and his power from his connections with other wealthy elitists at school and university. If you're in the same wealth bracket I apologise for not realising it. And if you are, then yes - maybe your son WILL turn out to be another PM, successful, and wealthy and deeply corrupt.

Mowly75 · 03/05/2021 21:49

Well, I’m off to Google Boris Johnson’s childhood.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 21:49

As another poster said, I don't think the solution is ALWAYS to maintain a position of no, no, no just to win some sort of power struggle. That's a mistake i regret making too many times. And those exchanges were often unnecessarily draining. Sometimes picking your battles is key and you and your partner need to identify the boundaries that matter most.

This, with bells on.

Sometimes you really do have to ask yourself "Is this worth fighting with a three year old over?"

numberoneson · 03/05/2021 21:50

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Has someone just compared the OP's three year old son to the leader of the Conservative party 🤣🤣 fucking hilarious!

Some of you need to go to bed

Personality traits develop for a reason. BJ was 3 once.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/05/2021 21:51

I also think he sounds quite typical tbh. And not as though you’re doing anything terribly wrong.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 21:52

@peaceanddove

OP I think it very telling that your 3 year old DS felt sufficiently in charge that he could forbid your 15 year old stepson to come into the garden. Fair enough, you made him apologise afterward and explained why his behaviour was wrong but I suspect you have indulged him far too much in the first place, hence his mini-dictator attitude. I think you also mentioned that your DS tries to boss his older siblings around too? Not good. The dynamic is all wrong.
I think that's because his older siblings dote on him. They absolute adore him and let him call the shots. In ways, that I would never tolerate. So yes, he has recently taken to bossing them around, and demanding things from them. They are now starting to get better at putting their feet down and DH and I both pull him up on it every time we witness it. They are all teenagers, so DS was this little adorable baby that came along for them to play with. They almost act parental towards him. DS does have a lot of family that dotes on him. Me, of course, as my only child, my Mother dotes on him, her first and only grandchild, his four older siblings, his grandad, etc.
OP posts:
numberoneson · 03/05/2021 21:52

@sadpapercourtesan

Actually Boris Johnson's childhood was chaotic, insecure, emotionally neglectful and at times borderline abusive, despite the economic privilege he was born into. Inconsistent parenting at its finest. It couldn't be further removed from the OP's parenting of her son Confused
The OP's parenting of her son seems pretty darn inconsistent to me ...
mikejardine · 03/05/2021 21:53

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo

Add me to the big list of people who are with your dh, no you shouldn’t hug him when he’s been naughty because he’s sad! What has he learned from that? If he cries mummy hugs him and moves on?! He’s not learning his behaviour has consequences at all, stop babying him. You’re doing him and you no favours here!

Wow such nasty behaviour towards a child not even three years old! You would actually withhold affection from your toddler because they've been naughty? For how long, ten minutes, half an hour, an hour, a day?!

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 21:53

It’s quite funny that people are seriously saying ‘if he keeps this shitty behaviour up, he’ll end up being prime minister, and then where will you be?’ 😂😂

Wallywobbles · 03/05/2021 21:54

One other point. If you DSC are good kids and you like them. Maybe he's not a bad dad and might have a point.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 21:54

@numberoneson

NOTabrat

You're just being deliberately obtuse now.

I'm sorry if my response was offensive to you, but quite obviously the issue of wealth and power is unrelated to the issue of personality traits. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson's wealth came from his family and his power from his connections with other wealthy elitists at school and university. If you're in the same wealth bracket I apologise for not realising it. And if you are, then yes - maybe your son WILL turn out to be another PM, successful, and wealthy and deeply corrupt.

Sorry, but what personality traits does my three year old have in common with Boris Johnson?
OP posts: