DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

[NOTabrat]

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

DH said I'm too soft in general. Too soft on the cats as well because I'll delay getting up because I don't want to upset the cat by kicking him off my lap whilst he's sleeping! 🤣

@Coldwine75 but why does it have to be alone? To ignore and without affection from an emotionally immature person who is just out of babyhood is cruel.

When women tell us their DHs withhold affection as punishment we call it abuse. But we're supposed to believe it's good for the same to happen to a 3yo. Bullshit.

Cuddles after being naughty? How long after? Immediately- not so good. It’s a bit mixed message if he’s being told off and cuddled kind of simultaneously, or if he’s not getting told off at all for being naughty - how does he learn? But telling off, a minute or two ‘out’ - not to think about it exactly but to reinforce that you aren’t pleased, and then a hug to reassure him you still love him Great. No problem.
I agree with this.

Like you, I don't like the very supernanny approach, but think she is spot on about clear messages and parents not undermining each other.

I’m quite strict but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a hug after a telling off for a 3 year old. I don’t mean a massive bollocking but an age appropriate telling off or age appropriate punishment then a hug and redirect him elsewhere.

If you say no to extra sweets he gets his little step thing and tries to help himself.
What does he do if dad says no?
What does he do in nursery when they tell him no he can't do something?
No means no. You have to be consistent. No doesn't mean let's try it on. No means no. Help him understand how to behave.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Coldwine75 but why does it have to be alone? To ignore and without affection from an emotionally immature person who is just out of babyhood is cruel.

When women tell us their DHs withhold affection as punishment we call it abuse. But we're supposed to believe it's good for the same to happen to a 3yo. Bullshit.[/quote]
So they get no attention for the bad behaviour , time alone to think about what they have done. We have always done this and have great kids,.

No, your way is not rocket science Coldwine but it's also not the only way.

It's possible to instill boundaries without withdrawing affection.

@Coldwine75 this child is three - they don't have the emotional intelligence to go through all that in a healthy and concise way. Why can't they "think about what they've done" in the arms of a mother who is explaining it well to them?

Sure do as you wish, but this 3 year old needs to be reined in, that's what i can see !

Sounds like a normal nearly 3 year old to me
I understand boundaries and all that but ffs some people on here wouldn't be happy unless you got the cane out!!

Based upon your update on behaviors I'm thinking your husband may not be all wrong. IMHO kids want and need boundaries. That is what parents are there for - to show them what is right and wrong. Throwing things and yelling seems to be learned behaviors - does he see that behavior at a child minding situation?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I totally agree with this. Also withholding affection to punish a child is shitty parenting

It really is.

All these dimwit posters and their faux shock at the OP's son being cuddled to ease his distress I imagine don't realise they're the ones raising children to be fucked up when they're older.

I don’t think that is what people are saying, but cuddling them while telling them off is mixed messages. I wouldn’t hug while trying to tell them I was displeased. They aren’t old enough to hear “You did that wrong but I still love you.” They hear “What you’ve just done doesn’t matter.” A minute or two max, just to show them you are displeased. Then a hug, and back to business as normal. And it’s not holding them to the same standards as a 10 year old. It’s more about establishing expectations. If they have learnt that a tantrum changes your mind when they are three, when do they unlearn that? The consequences are vastly different. My three year old hit, they got “We don’t do that” and a minute or two on their own before a hug and moving on. My ten year old, if they hit, would get much more intense consequences because they now know, very definitely, it is wrong and I am expecting them to remember and not forget, unlike a three year old.

I thin what the poster was getting at was - look at the long term. What do you want your child’s behaviour to look at when they are older? Because some of the groundwork has to be laid now.

He’s 3 😂 tell him to bore off . All kids go through phases . Just don’t be a pushover. When he joins school it’ll jolt it out of him and other kids don’t tend to like spoilt brats . It’ll all come good 😌

@NOTabrat

And by free will and freedom, what i mean is, for example, DH won't let DS into the kitchen because if he goes into the kitchen it means DH has to go our there too and supervise. I'm happy for DS to go into the kitchen when he wants too. I don't want rooms in our home to be forbidden to him and I don't mind going out there with him to supervise. I don't mind him looking through the cupboards but DH doesn't like it. If DS then takes a ice lolly out of the freezer I'll say no. So I do have boundaries. DH just wants him to sit in the living room and play with his toys.

Why do you wait until after he takes an ice cream out of the freezer before saying no? That's just asking for trouble. Nip it in the bud. Better still, put the chocolate completely out of reach as well.

You’re doing your son a disservice, and yes, you are one of those parents.

Wishy washy dishwater parenting doesn’t teach your son anything but you’re a pushover and he can just do what he wants.

Life will hit him hard when he grows up.

@emilyfrost

You’re doing your son a disservice, and yes, you are one of those parents.

Wishy washy dishwater parenting doesn’t teach your son anything but you’re a pushover and he can just do what he wants.

Life will hit him hard when he grows up.

Yes, raising a normal 3yo who she cuddles is doing a child a disservice 🤣🤣🤣 FOD!!

@NOTabrat

I probably do spoil his and let him get away with more than he should but I also think DH can be too strict. I like giving DS as much freedom and free will as possible.

He's a kind, polite and caring boy. Very loving. He does like pushing boundaries, however. But I thought this was the norm for the age. Must add he isn't actually three yet, almost!

Here's your problem. You don't seem to sing from the same hymn sheet regarding behaviour and expectations.

You really need to sit down and talk it through.

@emilyfrost

You’re doing your son a disservice, and yes, you are one of those parents.

Wishy washy dishwater parenting doesn’t teach your son anything but you’re a pushover and he can just do what he wants.

Life will hit him hard when he grows up.

In what way is she one of those parents? Her child cries when leaving the park, she straps in the car seat and ignores the cries. What's the issue.

Or is it just that you have to put a child in time out alone to be a good parent?

Do you think perhaps he knows the rules at nursery and is happy in those boundaries but at home, you and DH aren't together so he isn't sure where they are?
Learning to back each other up can involve both saying no, teaching good behaviour AND cuddles. But being together will help. Labelling him a brat won't help.

@emilyfrost

You’re doing your son a disservice, and yes, you are one of those parents.

Wishy washy dishwater parenting doesn’t teach your son anything but you’re a pushover and he can just do what he wants.

Life will hit him hard when he grows up.

Yeah OP, get in first and hit him ten times harder!

Honestly OP it sounds like your opposing parenting styles are the issue, rather than your DS.

Your DH sounds strict and authoritarian, and you sound a bit too soft. Neither is bad in principle, but because you clash over how to parent DS, DH becomes the extreme end of authoritarian and you over compensate by letting DS away with more than you probably would if you were on the same page.

Its important not to give in too much, but equally over strict parenting (from a father who just cba to go to the kitchen with his child) is as bad if not worse. People are forgetting that strict parents can raise rebellious kids that get into all sorts of trouble in their teens just as much as indulgent parents raise entitled children that get into trouble.

You need to find a middle ground with your DH.

Whether hes right or not, its his kid too so he needs to take responsibility. Its a team effort.
I do think he sounds very dramatic though

I would say the 3 year old should never be helping himself to food, he should be taught to ask, you can change things easy at this age, little ideas such as a reward chart etc , and definately make sure you and dh are united on parenting as kids can manipulate one off against the other from an early age...

@Pumperthepumper

Imagine you started a new job, but no one tells you what is expected of you, or points out where you are making mistakes, so you really aren’t sure what is going on or what will bring you rewards or a disciplinary action. It would be very confusing and upsetting. You want to know what you are expected to do, and you want to know what the ‘rules’ are, and what the consequences will be if you don’t follow them. That’s children. Free will, exploration etc - all good, but there needs to be some clear and consistent boundaries too, so they know where they are and they know what to expect. Your boundaries don’t have to be the same as anyone else’s but your child needs to know where your lines in the sand are, and what will happen if they cross them. You need to be consistent in showing him. He will feel so much more secure if he knows ‘I can do this, but not that, and if I do that Mummy and Daddy will do this..’He will push them, that is normal, and that is where it is your job to be calm and consistent.

That’s not an exact analogy though because it assumes a three year old has the same level of control over their emotions as an adult. So he might know the logic of ‘throwing cup equals bad’ but he doesn’t yet have the emotional control to think that before he does it.

So when we punish a three year old, we’re not changing that behaviour, it’s already happened. A better way to deal with it is to say ‘no, we don’t throw, pick it up please’ over ‘right, you threw that, go and sit on a step alone for a period of time I’ve decided, that you have no concept of, or control over, just because’.

You are right, it’s not an exact analogy, but it is a useful way to see it, in terms of people (children or adults) knowing what to expect. A child does lack impulse control but if you ask him to pick something up every time, he will learn that this is what happens when he throws it. You are teaching him the consequences. You can’t do it by just telling him like you would an employee, but he is learning it as he grows all the same, if the consequences are consistent. I throw the toy at someone, or hit them with it, the toy gets removed. I play with a toy, I tidy them up when the game is over. I hit someone, I sit by myself for a minute.

It takes a few goes but they are developing that self control all the time as they grow and you are teaching them what you expect as you go. So by the time they are old enough to have control over their actions, they know what will happen if they don’t. Boundaries. Some families will have stricter boundaries than others which is fine, but kids do need them, even if it is just ‘we don’t hit, and we are polite.’ I really don’t want to be around children who have never had any boundaries at all!

I’m still laughing at the woman who said she was very strict and therefore her toddler hardly ever had tantrums. My almost three year old had a tantrum tonight because I put the ‘wrong’ flannel in the bath ... that was about the 900th tantrum of today, yeah. I wasn’t aware you could use discipline to vanquish toddler tantrums, how marvellous.

This thread is a car crash. OP you sound fine. Your husband sounds like an arse. Yes, boundaries and feeling safe are important. I’m sure you get the idea. But it’s ok to cuddle your child when they’re upset after being told off. I do.