DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

[NOTabrat]

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP, I don't really understand why you've asked for advice on your husband calling your child spoilt. You've had pretty much a resounding, "yes, it appears quite clear that he is."

All you want to do is argue that of course he is isn't.

Good luck.

Honestly I think it sounds normal, I have a just turned 3 y/o DS and he throws sometimes, helps himself to food and likes to push the boundaries at bedtime.

He did go through a hitting phase but that has stopped now, and I dealt with that in exactly the same way/tone that I deal with him when he throws.

He's also loving, shares brilliantly and gives the best hugs.

All these posters saying their toddlers wouldn't dream of throwing because they were strict are being silly, most kids don't develop impulse control until 3.5-4 years old.

Kids do need boundaries but I think you sound fine, either that or i guess there will be two drug taking thugs out on the streets 🙄😂

He sounds adorable, OP.

And you sound like you're doing just fine. Yes, you're probably a bit too soft at times, so maybe you ought to work on that, but I probably erred on the side of being too soft as well, and it definitely hasn't done dd any harm - she is now an incredibly well behaved teenager!

I think it's horrible that some parents deliberately withhold affection when their kids have been naughty. That's not the kind of relationship that I'd have wanted with my dc. I followed my instincts and they served me well.

at the poster suggesting a child should be able to free roam the kitchen... no you eat when you’re given food

Children have their own appetites and can get hungry randomly. My DCs have always had free access to the fruit bowl, as did all my childminding charges. It's the best way to teach them to listen to their bodies and develop a healthy attitude to food.

Yes but this isn't free access to the fruit bowl. He's given chocolate, told, "no more" and then, with zero regard of his parent telling him that, takes himself off to help himself to more chocolate from the kitchen.

That. Is. Not. The. Same.

Gosh, this is an odd thread! OP, your DS sounds totally normal and so do you although perhaps a little too indulgent when he cries.

However, in our household, I'm the strict one and DH is the soft touch. It's not good to have this kind of disparity and you need to speak with your DH to find common ground and agreement. It is frustrating to feel like the mean parent and to feel undermined. And it gets worse when they become teens!! It's much better parenting all around and for your marriage when you are on the same page. You will probably need ot be a bit stricter and your DH will need to learn to be more flexible - a bit of compromise on both sides will go a long way.

Besides anything aren't you worried he'd leave the freezer open? Mine would be using the frozen food as stacking blocks the moment my back was turned.

It sounds like the watching him like a hawk approach works for you but not your DH so much.

I agree with your Dh. Your parenting is way off, because you've not installed guidelines.
Screaming all the way home from the park? I wouldn't put up with that. I don't do screaming! I never would have allowed that to happen, even once. I used to give ds's time warnings: we are leaving in 10, we are leaving in 5. Even a little grumble would have been shown the 'look' and a comment: I did warn you 10 minutes ago, and 5. That's it! No tantruming, no screaming.

I just wouldn't tolerate such behaviour. I think you need a massive re-think, of your parenting style.

@Oblomov21

I wouldn’t put up with that. I don’t do screaming.

Please enlighten us how this works with toddlers?

I’m a qualified teacher, working in a very challenging school, teaching in the on site PRU( and my toddlers tantrum; and scream when unhappy.

Yeah I don't get how you stop a toddler screaming. I mean I don't give in to it but if it happens I can't magic it away with a firm look.

Rainbow, because I was lucky that my 2 weren't screamers. But, also, I wouldn't have tolerated it. Plus, because I was loving, but firm but fair, and used fair instructions, guidelines and boundaries, from the off. Plus used the 'how to talk' book recommended earlier by a pp, then I never had many real issues.

But, I had very very challenging parenting issues much later when they were older!

Some children tantrum and cry a lot. It's their nature.
Most don't. Not if boundaries and good techniques have always been used.

Rainbow you have tantruming and screaming children in your class? A lot? What age? Surely that's not normal?

@Oblomov21

Some children tantrum and cry a lot. It's their nature. Most don't. Not if boundaries and good techniques have always been used.

I think it's some child tantrum and cry a lot. Most tantrum and cry sometimes. And only a few don't ever do it. As with most behaviours, there's a spectrum and most fall in the middle. Tantruming and crying sometimes is perfectly normal toddler behaviour. Doing it a lot and never doing it is unusual.

Personally, I think your husband is being a bit dramatic. From what you've said, he sounds like a lovely little lad with next to no problems. Small children are bossy, you've dealt with it appropriately. If he does kick, bite, punch etc the other behaviours such as helping himself when he's been told no is completely normal. I guess it's just a case on working on the whole 'if you've said no, it means no' and not giving in, but sometimes you just have to choose your battles and a few extra chocolate buttons on the sly is hardly the crime of the century. I wouldn't worry too much, your husband sounds a bit harsh!

I'm not quite sure why you asked on here given that you disagree with everyone that has agreed with your DH and said that your child is spoilt.

I don't see how a load of strangers on a website can know actually, and I'm pretty much of a view that it's hard to spoil a 3 year old. But I think it is important to have boundaries in place and it sounds as though yours get a bit blurred when he cries. My sister has a child (an only child too fwiw) who sounds similar, and my children found him unbearable as he wouldn't share, wouldn't play nicely and only had to cry to her and she gave in.

But who knows? I would say your bigger problem is that you and your DH aren't aligned on how to parent your child.

I meant if he DOESN'T kick, bite, punch etc...

OP I think the reason you've been given a hard time is because most parents have seen what these behaviours look like in older children. The child in my son's class who clearly had zero boundaries is not liked by the other kids. I think they find it annoying how often their day is disrupted for this child.

Sneaking chocolate buttons - normal behaviour but I wouldn't want to encourage 'sneakiness'. Imagine him being 'sneaky' or 4 or 5 years. This isn't a quality id be too keen on in an older child.

Screaming leaving the park - again I wouldn't want to encourage this. He isnt too long off being called in from playtime by the teachers. You are doing him NO favours by allowing this.

I'm with your DH his example were too exterme . But we're all human and don't alway put our point across well.

Your DS is acting like any child of his age would in this situation. Totally normal boundary seeking - but it is the loving and caring thing to do for him to set those firm boundaries. Children seek control, but don’t realise how scary it is to actually find they are the one who rules everything. They need an adult to take that role.
Some clear consequences, choice based language and unfailing consistency will sort this right out. I don’t really think either of you are BU. He is your first child so it’s understandable you’re not getting everything 100% right first time and I don’t really see why you’ve had some unkind comments - you would BU to not take steps to nip this in the bud, though.

@Oblomov21

My eldest barely tantrumed or cried, unless hurt. I raised my next similar who, my God, if he doesn’t get his way he will scream for 30min, regardless of what I try!! My friends daughter tantrums over every single thing; even though she’s loving, caring, firm and not a push over. They all have different personalities.

He sounds like my three year old

My three year old is the same. We are quite strict with her but it doesn't always work. She does the same thing over and over. Pushing and testing us.

I feel like I can't tell her off all the time. Sometimes you let it go or the tantrum escalates

Screaming all the way home from the park? shockI wouldn't put up with that. I don't do screaming! I never would have allowed that to happen, even once. I used to give ds's time warnings: we are leaving in 10, we are leaving in 5. Even a little grumble would have been shown the 'look' and a comment: I did warn you 10 minutes ago, and 5. That's it! No tantruming, no screaming.

So your child would just stop when you told them to stop? Just like that? The time warnings were a good idea although not always possible when needing to remove a child from something fun. And a not quite 3 year olds understanding of time isn’t always great. But can’t get over that yours stopped crying when you told them to; why have other payjust thought of that!?

Mrshyat, there is a massive difference in normal behaviour between a child of not yet 3 and a 4 year old in school. He will mature a lot in the next 16 months regardless of OP or her husband’s parenting. I doubt any parent encourages tantrums when leaving the park or other fun activities (it’s embarrassing for one thing) but she’s not giving in to it and they do grow out of it.

I've not read the whole thread op, as it seems mostly filled with people saying your kid is a nightmare and it's all your fault etc. People just like to stick the boot in.

One thing I would say, is giving in when you've said no, because he's upset - yeah, that's not great. I'd be stopping that. I know it's hard (been there) but you do need them to understand that you mean what you say.

For the other stuff, I do think dh is too harsh. Shouting at a little kid, not okay in my book.

I would really recommend the book "how to talk so little kids will listen, and listen so little kids will talk" (there's a general kids one too but the little kids one is probably more suitable for your sons age). It's eye opening and really helps you to understand how kids are responding and why, when we interact with them. Would be really useful for you and dh to read and think about how to get on the same page with this, as your opposite approaches on this won't be helping.

Honestly I had a hellish time with ds when he was just 4. Omg the tantrums! He would go from zero to kick off in a split second, wouldn't listen, would be violent and run off. Glad I didn't post on here, if the responses of "you're a shit parent and your kids is a spoiled brat" are an indicator of the advice that faces these issues. It was a phase. We weathered it with boundaries, consistency and compassion, and DS is now 5 and an absolute joy. He's intelligent, kind, empathetic and fun. He knows how to behave well and doesn't show any of those negative behaviours any more.

Try and sit down with dh and have a proper chat about how you want to parent your son and what boundaries you both think are important and try to get on the same page with things. Your son needs to know that you mean what you say, but he also needs to know that it's okay to have big feelings sometimes. And at 3, the only way they can often express these is by crying, shouting, throwing. He doesn't have to words yet to label these feelings and he needs you both to teach him (not for dh to be shouting him down so he is too scared to be upset and learn to bottle it up)