DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

[NOTabrat]

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

Well, that took an odd turn.

Still can't get over the comparison of my three year old to Boris Johnson...

@NOTabrat

Nursery has informed me, DS enjoys playing with the girls rather than the boys so maybe he's got more in common with Boris than I thought 😉

More extraneous detail...

Is this your son OP?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/britains-youngest-boris-lookalike-gets-21834314.amp

I'd recommend you both read "Toddler Training" by Dr Christopher Green. It helps you understand what can be expected at his age and is full of common sense.
Sometimes, we need to put things into perspective. Toddlers his age aren't being manipulative or naughty, they're generally attention seeking and being curious as this is what they're programmed to do.

For example, you mention a cuddle after he's naughty and this is encouraged in the book as holding grudges achieves nothing.

From your posts, I think your DH is expecting a little much from a child of his age.

Have mostly just read your posts OP. As a parent and someone with over 20 years experience of working with families around parenting and child wellbeing and behaviour.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!

You are keeping boundaries when needed and helping him to understand why and repairing the relationship after a telling off to help him to develop a secure attachment and empathy. He will push the boundaries, that’s a given, and you won’t be perfect, that’s a given. May be consistency with boundaries will be your thing to work on (all parents have work to do - we are all doing our best and there will always be things we can do better because no-one is perfect).

Your DH didn’t put it in the best way but there might be learning there. There might be learning for him in understanding what is normal at each developmental stage. Or not. It might be helpful to talk together about your hopes and values as parents. Your own experience of being parented and what you want to take forward from that and what you’d like to avoid doing (e.g. I was smacked and was adamant that I didn’t want to do that). Where are you similar in parenting and where are you different? What’s a good compromise? The AHA parenting website was one I found helpful and professionally I think it’s pretty sound advice.

Best of luck. He’s very young and it sounds like he’s doing great and so are you!

I think it very telling that your 3 year old DS felt sufficiently in charge that he could forbid your 15 year old stepson to come into the garden. Fair enough, you made him apologise afterward and explained why his behaviour was wrong but I suspect you have indulged him far too much in the first place, hence his mini-dictator attitude.

But this is how many 3-year-olds do act! 'Come here'; don't come here; I want you; I don't want you' Perhaps especially youngest children who feel left out or restricted by their elders, and retaliate by 'go away, you can't come in!' (or as one youngest child whom I knew: 'You can't do this; you're too big!') It's not nice behaviour, OK; and it needs to be firmly discouraged, especially as it could really hurt some people: some adults and older children with little experience of small children may react with a feeling of 'Oh my god, I must be really unpopular if even a 3-year-old is rejecting me!' But it doesn't mean that he's a mini-dictator or likely to turn into Boris Johnson or a drug dealer or something! And the OP did make it clear that it wasn't acceptable behaviour.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]Is this your son OP?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/britains-youngest-boris-lookalike-gets-21834314.amp[/quote]
😂😂😂😂

@stackemhigh

DS is my first and only child.

I think this is relevant, you may be overcompensating. You go into so much detail about DS, the toddling, the breakfast, the dressing, all the doting. My cousin was an only child and you remind me a bit of their mum, thinking everyone should dote on the child. In reality, cousin was spoilt, took our toys home, hit us and demanded to go everywhere with us. We took to ignoring them and giving them the silent treatment.

I don't think everyone should dote on my child. I realise my child is only amazing and fantastic to me. He doesn't take peoples toys or hit. He has a baby cousin who he adores and treats very kindly and gently. I am also an only child and was probably spoiled by my own Mother but I'm not a selfish or horrible person either.

The key to parenting is consistency and boundaries. We’ve always had firm boundaries and my children have thrived, they’re very well behaved but their personality is still very evident. As soon as an unwanted behaviour happened we enforced the boundary and there was a consequence.
Given your examples with the buttons, DC would be told they would not get buttons again for a while and they wouldn’t. They’d watch me put them away way out of reach. But tbh I wouldn’t be giving buttons after a meal anyway.
With the throwing, they’d get a firm no, be told not to throw as they can break things, I’d talk about being angry is ok but throwing is not.
Until a few months ago I rarely had to do much enforcing over the last few years other than raise my eyebrows, my children know what is and isn’t acceptable.
Recently my eldest is pushing hard (for him but it’ll be mild for others) so I’m pushing back, basically because it’s his online stuff that he’s pushing. I’ve always explained my reasons for why the behaviour is not acceptable.

When you cuddle your son after he has been disciplined by your DH he is learning you are the soft touch and will undermine his Dad. You and DH need to get on the same side for your discipline. I’d also stop calling him naughty, he isn’t naughty, he’s displaying negative behaviours wanting you to correct them. I’ve never denied my children love and cuddles and much of my discipline was time ins, cuddles talking about the behaviour etc but I would not be interfering with my husbands parenting in that way. Your son will soon learn how to play you.

Agree re Toddler Training book too and that it’s normal at that age to act like mini dictators. Helping them to understand the perspective of the other person was a helpful response.

If relevant, the first political name my son said was Jeremy Corbyn. I taught him to say it to wind my Boris supporting Mother up. 😏

@NOTabrat

DH says I shouldn't hug him when he's been naughty. But, I can't help it. He'll be naughty, he'll get told off, then we have a cuddle and move on. DH says I shouldn't do that as I'm validating his behaviour.

If DS has said sorry for the behaviour then this is absolutely the right thing to do it's not validating the naughty behaviour toddlers work way too quickly for that it's about comfort when they feel bad.

If your DH shouts at him to stop whining etc when having a tantrum this doesn't work either! It's so much for toddlers to process and they can't easily communicate their emotions.

It sounds like there is a balance for both of you - stop with the chocolate button helping himself but your DH also needs to learn how to handle tantrums better.

Your son sounds lovely and it sounds like you are generally parenting with firm boundaries plus empathy, which is great. The only thing that does sound bad is your comment that sometimes you do give in to him when he gets upset about something because you can't bear to see him upset. You have to maintain boundaries for his sake, he wants to feel secure by knowing you are in charge, and like the PP said, not get the message that his sadness and upset are terrible things that you cant cope with. Just gently comfort him for feeling upset, but maintain your position. The best line I ever heard on how to respond to challenging behaviour was from the amazing gentle discipline guru Janet Lansbury: You are a kind, successful CEO and your child is a respected underling.
You should read this by her: www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/ and also this "when respect becomes indulgence": www.janetlansbury.com/2012/07/when-respect-becomes-indulgence/

@stackemhigh that's not extraneous detail, it's just....detail

This is OP's thread about her son, on a parenting website - why the hell wouldn't she post detail about him? I love reading about other people's children, personally, I like children and am interested in how they tick. That's why I'm here, reading and contributing to this thread.

I can't decide whether you're actually a bit odd, or just being mean-spirited.

@NOTabrat

If relevant, the first political name my son said was Jeremy Corbyn. I taught him to say it to wind my Boris supporting Mother up. 😏

My youngest used to clap whenever Nicola Sturgeon came on tv. We’re an anti-independence house so no idea why.

'I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible'

Children don't actually like this, boundaries make them feel secure. You're his parent, not his friend, do him a favour and reign him in a bit.

@NOTabrat

If relevant, the first political name my son said was Jeremy Corbyn. I taught him to say it to wind my Boris supporting Mother up. 😏

I am pretty confident that if I met you IRL we'd be great friends

@Pumperthepumper they do it to piss you off...it's a pre-cursor for the inevitable opposing political views they'll hold as teenagers

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He's got brown eyes like his Dad, light brown, sandy coloured hair and pale skin. A cheeky grin. He likes watching Bing and his favourite character is Sula. He also likes Peppa Pig. He loves flowers and gardening. He's a serious chatterbox. He loves stroking our cats. He's just recently potty trained. He goes to nursery two days a week. He gets sad when it's time for his brothers and sisters to go home. He likes chatting to strangers in supermarkets. More extraneous details...

Mine told his Y4 teacher he was an anarcho-syndicalist and didn't feel comfortable joining the school council, as it only offered the illusion of democracy and had no real bargaining power

Little gobshite! He's 18 now and making a thorough nuisance of himself in the Labour Party. Still a little gobshite

@Definately

'I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible'

Children don't actually like this, boundaries make them feel secure. You're his parent, not his friend, do him a favour and reign him in a bit.

He'd make a fabulous monarch. A crown really would suit him!

@NOTabrat

OP I am VERY suspicious of the fact you are providing this extraneous detail - that is a sign of very poor parenting. I imagine your 3yo is a toddler by day and a cat burglar by night. You're 'one of them'

He's got brown eyes like his Dad, light brown, sandy coloured hair and pale skin. A cheeky grin. He likes watching Bing and his favourite character is Sula. He also likes Peppa Pig. He loves flowers and gardening. He's a serious chatterbox. He loves stroking our cats. He's just recently potty trained. He goes to nursery two days a week. He gets sad when it's time for his brothers and sisters to go home. He likes chatting to strangers in supermarkets. More extraneous details...

He sounds truly delightful (and def not the next Borris!)

So he sounds like a standard 2 year old and your DH sounds like an insecure parent who, forgets he’s the parent too, and blames you.

My DH is a bit like that. Blames my parenting for the things he doesn’t like the kids doing and forgets that he has had a bit influence on their behaviour too