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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

551 replies

coppafeel · 02/05/2021 15:09

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends.

He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

What can I do here?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 02/05/2021 19:58

Defund the police doesn't mean getting rid of policing. It means reversing the enormous expansion of police budgets in the US over the last few decades and spending that money on social services that prevent crime in the first place. It means trying out new models of policing that are community based and less likely to require deadly force. There is still law enforcement but a very different kind.

I can see how not all of this translates well to the UK context. And anyway it's fine to not agree with it. But to say you're anti-BLM because they will just get rid of all the police is way too simplistic. They just think there are better ways to deal with crime.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/05/2021 19:59

I don't imagine the friends are leaving her because her boyfriend doesn't agree with defunding the police but I do think they object to him because he is racist.

enchantedspleen · 02/05/2021 20:00

I'm just here to find out who this celeb is, and enjoy my popcorn.

MegaBeach · 02/05/2021 20:00

If you’re marrying Stephen Bear I wouldn’t want him at my dinner table 🤣

FloofyGuineaPig · 02/05/2021 20:01

@RickiTarr I couldn’t agree with you more. BLM as a concept would be hard to disagree with, BLM as an organisation is a different matter.

saraclara · 02/05/2021 20:01

@Gilead

If he’s anti BLM, he’s a racist.
Not necessarily. There's a big difference between thinking that black lives matter, and the movement called Black Lives Matter. As a PP said, many black people don't approve of the organisation called BLM. It's annoying that it's hard to discuss black lives mattering without knowing if someone is talking about the philosophy or the organisation.
secular39 · 02/05/2021 20:01

@enchantedspleen

I'm just here to find out who this celeb is, and enjoy my popcorn.
Well that's not very nice...
secular39 · 02/05/2021 20:03

Most of these posters are extremely child-like. Can we just get to the crux of the matter instead of asking OP who is her husband. This is someone's real life, can we call be serious now?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 02/05/2021 20:03

How can you contemplate a lifelong commitment to a man who's strong political views "go over your head".
What do you talk about? How are you compatible?

OP probably just nods along and replies 'Under His eye'

RickiTarr · 02/05/2021 20:03

I was under the belief 'defund' meant divert police funding to social and mental health agencies. I did read other articles stating such.

The article you linked is the first I have read stating the intention was to abolish the police.

Firstly, It’s the New York Times. A credible source.

I think it’s a difference in emphasis rather than a substantive difference. British campaigners started soft-pedalling the defund policy after Keir Starmer said a firm “No” to defunding the police last year. However, it’s still the same policy. Lots of activists just dressing it up differently for the UK market since Labour wouldn’t support it. Last time I looked, though, (admittedly a while back) BLM UK were still fully in support of defunding the police.

It’s easy to find other anti-racism charities to support, though, so once you know, it’s not really an issue.

dreamingbohemian · 02/05/2021 20:04

@RickiTarr did you even read the article you linked? Like, beyond the headline? She says:

But don’t get me wrong. We are not abandoning our communities to violence. We don’t want to just close police departments. We want to make them obsolete.

We should redirect the billions that now go to police departments toward providing health care, housing, education and good jobs. If we did this, there would be less need for the police in the first place.

We can build other ways of responding to harms in our society. Trained “community care workers” could do mental-health checks if someone needs help. Towns could use restorative-justice models instead of throwing people in prison.

What about rape? The current approach hasn’t ended it. In fact most rapists never see the inside of a courtroom. Two-thirds of people who experience sexual violence never report it to anyone. Those who file police reports are often dissatisfied with the response. Additionally, police officers themselves commit sexual assault alarmingly often. A study in 2010 found that sexual misconduct was the second most frequently reported form of police misconduct. In 2015, The Buffalo News found that an officer was caught for sexual misconduct every five days.

When people, especially white people, consider a world without the police, they envision a society as violent as our current one, merely without law enforcement — and they shudder. As a society, we have been so indoctrinated with the idea that we solve problems by policing and caging people that many cannot imagine anything other than prisons and the police as solutions to violence and harm.

People like me who want to abolish prisons and police, however, have a vision of a different society, built on cooperation instead of individualism, on mutual aid instead of self-preservation. What would the country look like if it had billions of extra dollars to spend on housing, food and education for all? This change in society wouldn’t happen immediately, but the protests show that many people are ready to embrace a different vision of safety and justice.

AIMD · 02/05/2021 20:05

@GulliBelle

Sorry, just seen the he's not racist, but update. The ex Mr Billie Piper for sure.
Oh lord. If it’s him I don’t blame ops friends for not wanting to associate. He’s a grade A plonker.
dreamingbohemian · 02/05/2021 20:05

Now you may think that vision is completely naive and not support it. But at least understand it in the first place.

RickiTarr · 02/05/2021 20:05

There's a big difference between thinking that black lives matter, and the movement called Black Lives Matter. As a PP said, many black people don't approve of the organisation called BLM. It's annoying that it's hard to discuss black lives mattering without knowing if someone is talking about the philosophy or the organisation.

It’s like when George Osborne put the NMW up by something derisory and renamed it “the living wage”. Deliberate name jacking.

emmetgirl · 02/05/2021 20:06

@Hilda40 best reply

RogueV · 02/05/2021 20:07

Oh come on this can’t be real?!

Cryalot2 · 02/05/2021 20:10

I am just curious as to whom.

MusicMenu · 02/05/2021 20:10

I don't think people convinced that if you disagree with BLM you must be racist have given even a minute of their time to looking at the actual issues or the ethos of the organisation. That's how much they care about black lives.

LolaSmiles · 02/05/2021 20:11

Oh come on this can’t be real?!
It's certainly amusing though.

RickiTarr · 02/05/2021 20:14

[quote dreamingbohemian]@RickiTarr did you even read the article you linked? Like, beyond the headline? She says:

But don’t get me wrong. We are not abandoning our communities to violence. We don’t want to just close police departments. We want to make them obsolete.

We should redirect the billions that now go to police departments toward providing health care, housing, education and good jobs. If we did this, there would be less need for the police in the first place.

We can build other ways of responding to harms in our society. Trained “community care workers” could do mental-health checks if someone needs help. Towns could use restorative-justice models instead of throwing people in prison.

What about rape? The current approach hasn’t ended it. In fact most rapists never see the inside of a courtroom. Two-thirds of people who experience sexual violence never report it to anyone. Those who file police reports are often dissatisfied with the response. Additionally, police officers themselves commit sexual assault alarmingly often. A study in 2010 found that sexual misconduct was the second most frequently reported form of police misconduct. In 2015, The Buffalo News found that an officer was caught for sexual misconduct every five days.

When people, especially white people, consider a world without the police, they envision a society as violent as our current one, merely without law enforcement — and they shudder. As a society, we have been so indoctrinated with the idea that we solve problems by policing and caging people that many cannot imagine anything other than prisons and the police as solutions to violence and harm.

People like me who want to abolish prisons and police, however, have a vision of a different society, built on cooperation instead of individualism, on mutual aid instead of self-preservation. What would the country look like if it had billions of extra dollars to spend on housing, food and education for all? This change in society wouldn’t happen immediately, but the protests show that many people are ready to embrace a different vision of safety and justice.[/quote]
Yes I must have read it a dozen times now. Do you find it a realistic vision?

It’s a very naive conceptualisation of crime that imagines all criminality will stop if we “solve” poverty and poor living conditions, great though that would be.

Millionaires still murder and steal, get drunk and disorderly and brawl wither neighbours.

DiddlyWiddly · 02/05/2021 20:17

If you’re marrying Stephen Bear I wouldn’t want him at my dinner table
God he’s gorgeous 😍
Not a very nice personality from what I’ve seen but he fiiine

RickiTarr · 02/05/2021 20:19

@dreamingbohemian

Now you may think that vision is completely naive and not support it. But at least understand it in the first place.
Don’t be patronising @dreamingbohemian My first degree was Politics, Sociology & Criminology. I’ve read almost every crazy theory of deviant behaviour there is, and as I understand it, there’s quite a lot of agreement in criminology.

Then I worked in something adjacent for six years. People don’t conform to these really simplistic models of crime and addiction. If anything, the causation is trauma, and that happens in all socio-economic backgrounds.

Maybe a RL criminologist will come along and advise us further.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 02/05/2021 20:23

If it is Lozza he is gonna be fuuuuuming his finance described him as a D list celeb Grin

TatianaBis · 02/05/2021 20:25

Googles Stephen Bear.

Good god he looks like a burglar.

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 02/05/2021 20:25

It's up to you who you marry, OP.

But if more than one or two people had strong feelings of dislike for my future spouse, I'd be quite worried...........

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