Page 13 | Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

YouokHun · 02/05/2021 17:16

It’s tricky to answer because the nature of his controversy isn’t clear.

I have a friend who is well known politician and character and very “marmite” as far as the public is concerned. Personally I fundamentally do not agree with his politics but can separate that from human he is and his many other good traits. But we have a difference of opinion rather than him stating things that are beyond that. I couldn’t associate with a bigot or someone who stated views about sections of society that were abhorrent. If a friend’s partner was different to me in their views I would tolerate it for a friend and maintain a polite association with the partner and avoid conversations about views, but if their views crossed the line I’d back away from the whole thing if I’m honest. So really it depends upon the nature of the controversial views. If it’s someone in the public domain who spouts off their views all the time all over the Daily Mail and such like then your friends are probably preserving their own reputation so as not to be tarred with the same brush.

Also your apparent acceptance of views, if those views are extreme, will mean that people question your values too (which may be unfair but understandable). You have to decide whether marrying a “celebrity” is worth the downsides as it’s tricky when others know a lot more about you when you’re well known, than you do about them, it can be rather isolating for celeb and family. There may be more of this kind of issue to come.

Gothichouse40 · 02/05/2021 17:18

Hmm, friends who don't like your other half. I'd say listen to your friends. Sometimes they see what you cannot.

CarmelBeach · 02/05/2021 17:20

OP "I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me."

I don't understand it either.

I'd be direct with them and ask if the friendship can be repaired and if they can find room for difference.

If you don't mind me asking, are you quite young? I sometimes think this is partly generational and at an older age, you are statistically more likely to have stuck by friends for really hard stuff like illness.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/05/2021 17:21

@UnsolicitedDickPic

I'd love to see the Venn diagram for the people who use the term "woke" alongside the ones who don't believe racism is a thing.

That's just a circle.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 02/05/2021 17:22

Sounds like there's a degree of oversharing with a lot of friendships. I have no idea what my closest friends' husbands think about BLM or even Brexit.

If he's a celebrity because he's in politics or paid to voice his opinion, then there's highly likely to be a Twitter feed and video of him discussing his opinions.

blacksax · 02/05/2021 17:22

@Crystal90567

Welcome to the new totalitarian state. Don't you know you can only think the societal accepted views! Anything else; brexit, questioning 'me too' and its links to the multi million pound dating industry, believing oil based resistant materials (plastic) are not all evil and are actually a big part of female liberation, GC.... I miss a time when we were allowed to debate. Now you're told the 'set view' and god forbid if you detract from it or even debate it. Socially ostracized, sacked never to work again, and those who cut you off, feel very superior as they throw you to the proverbial gutter. They should look up the definition of bigot: someone who will not accept any opinions other than their own, and take a long look at themselves.

I must admit that I find it easier to have a debate with someone who is at least able to string a coherent sentence together.

YoniAndGuy · 02/05/2021 17:22

You can simplify this, your friends think you are marrying a dickhead and have distanced themselves.

CharlotteRose90 · 02/05/2021 17:22

So I have a friend that married a former celeb playboy if you wanna call him that basically cheated on every woman he’d been with before. Always in the paper for his flings and his views on politics etc . It’s not the same I know but with him I wouldn’t have dropped my friend. She loves him and he’s totally changed. Only thing I found is when we went round he used to yap on about politics so we eventually just used to walk out on the conversation and he got the hint. If his views are extreme and people find it rude then you will lose friends. Think it comes down to who you want in your life more him or your lifelong friends thay know you.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 02/05/2021 17:23

@Crystal90567

Welcome to the new totalitarian state. Don't you know you can only think the societal accepted views! Anything else; brexit, questioning 'me too' and its links to the multi million pound dating industry, believing oil based resistant materials (plastic) are not all evil and are actually a big part of female liberation, GC.... I miss a time when we were allowed to debate. Now you're told the 'set view' and god forbid if you detract from it or even debate it. Socially ostracized, sacked never to work again, and those who cut you off, feel very superior as they throw you to the proverbial gutter. They should look up the definition of bigot: someone who will not accept any opinions other than their own, and take a long look at themselves.

Wait..soo its not a totalitarian state if people aren't allowed to challenge opinions but it is if society allows someone to disagree with conflicting opinions ?

With the best will in the world I think you may wish to look up what totalitarian state means ? As Evelyn Beatrice Hall said "I do not agree with what you say but I defend to the death the right to say it ". Not allowing people to disagree is the antithesis of freedom. You appear to think that only works one way. So you can say what you like but if you are challenged for it it is a totalitarian state ?

Creating a cause out of the fact people have differing opinions to you is totalitarian. But do go on think ing you are oppressed it appears to make you feel you have a valid facade.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 02/05/2021 17:24

Plus you just said it all so I assume what? The totalitarian state is obeying the bank holiday?

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2021 17:26

@gobbynorthernbird

🤣👏🏽

BrumBoo · 02/05/2021 17:27

@UnsolicitedDickPic

I'd love to see the Venn diagram for the people who use the term "woke" alongside the ones who don't believe racism is a thing.

I used that term. I absolutely see that racism exists. I can also see (very usually white and/or straight people) who appropriate causes and make it all about them and their very 'right on' views, often completely taking away from the actual cause/discussions by shutting down all voices. They are the 'woke', the virtue signallers, the ones who think they are being so very moralistic and think that their opinions are the only correct ones for a decent society. They are as much of a problem as the 'gammon' Right.

cushioncovers · 02/05/2021 17:27

Goes off to google Laurence Fox and what's the matter with him.

Not helpful

Lurkerlot · 02/05/2021 17:27

Do you say he’s D list, does that mean, he’s one of those faces we may have seen on a quiz show, but won’t recognise him if they walked down the street?

toffeebutterpopcorn · 02/05/2021 17:36

Maybe he’s one of those reality tv types. Not generally known for their intellect.

dreamingbohemian · 02/05/2021 17:40

questioning 'me too' and its links to the multi million pound dating industry

lol what

TeacupDrama · 02/05/2021 17:42

many BAME are religious and socaily conservative so although they believe in the anti racial part of BLM, some of BLM political and social stances on other things will not gel with their views, I know some conservative evangelical BAME christians and muslims do not support the BLM group as a whole
not supporting BLM as a political organisation and / or not agreeing with it's complete manifesto doesn't make someone racist however not believing the actual slogan almost certainly makes someone racist
I don't think many decent friends would just dump a friend because their bf voted tory supported brexit and thought the lockdown restrictions were OTT ( if friends really dump over someone being more right wing than them better off without them) but somehow I don't think it is just that. However, if he is more EDL and piers corbyn anti vaxxer covid is in 5g masts and the vaccine has a 666 chip in it then I could understand that it is getting a bit ridiculous and it will look like you have either changed or don't care about extremeism

Maggiesfarm · 02/05/2021 17:43

@cushioncovers

Goes off to google Laurence Fox and what's the matter with him.

Not helpful

Me too.

I've always rather liked him and his sardonic humour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2021 17:45

@coppafeel

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends.

He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

What can I do here?

I'm intrigued that you think your friends (and ex-friends) should "tolerate him for me". Perhaps you should consider the flipside of that coin - maybe they think that you should not inflict him on them? Think about what 'tolerate' means - putting up with something that you don't like. In their shoes, I'd just not be around someone I didn't like. That's not 'turning on you' - that's putting themselves and their needs above your wants. Why do you think you have the right to ask them to be uncomfortable - 'for you'. That's incredibly self-centred of you.

"... but somehow I am being vilified for them. Also no he doesn't say them to be controversial they are just his opinions, however, has received a lot of backlash for them."

You are not being vilified. Your friends and ex-friends are simply choosing not to be around you and your D-list controversial fiance, because he is presumably making them uncomfortable.

You ask "What can I do here?" I would say, get a grip and stop expecting your friends to be around a bloke they can't stand.

Giantrooster · 02/05/2021 17:49

Nah it's probably some radio host from the deep end of nowhere and you have all fallen for the celeb thing 😂.

OP if it's some blabberheaded conspiracy theorist, homophopic and anti blm and your friends are abandoning ship, perhaps you should wait a little to get to know both yours and his views.

Otherwise I guess your feelings are screw them, his friends can be mine instead, you might feel quite lonely down the line then.

How does your family feel a him?

(and I've googled l fox's girlfriend and if a journalist is so blank on politics, shame on them 🤣).

Bumpsadaisie · 02/05/2021 17:49

So weird. I thought of Nigel farage too !

debwong · 02/05/2021 17:51

Is it the ghost of Colonel Gaddafi? He is a bit polarising.

Dwrcegin · 02/05/2021 17:52

@BrumBoo

Sorry, not sure what being a Zeleb has to do with this. If your partner has harmful views then of course people aren't going to like him.

Is it Lawrence Fox? Or some similar 'I'll say anything for attention' type?

Lawrence Fox was my first guess.

BackforGood · 02/05/2021 17:53

If his views are bad enough for longstanding friends to cut you off then you may want to reassess who you're in a relationship with... People don't tend to ditch their mates over bog standard political differences.

This ^
I have definitely voted for different political parties from friends over many decades. I can still be their friends. Differences tend to be around people holding different opinions about how to get the a similar end.

When the views are so strongly stated and so against what you believe in, then it becomes a big part of who you are. I suggest this is what is happening here.
If these are good friends, you have known a long time, and it is a collective of people not just one person, then I think you need to ask yourself if they have a point.

BiBabbles · 02/05/2021 17:55

Not sure what you can do without digging into their views both your partner and friends and how they might be affecting you & what you want to do about that.

I had a friend - we were close for years, and still were so after she got a pretty nasty partner that I'd the misfortune of doing some business with so had no doubt of his issues and an old high school friend of hers came back to picture. We continued to go out weekly, I tried to separate her from them and be supportive but over time, she changed. The final straw was being told something pretty serious in confidence and then seeing her put on an entirely different spin on it in public, doing the opposite of what she said was going to I felt I could no longer trust her, that our time together had become pointless. I didn't 'turn on her' from my perspective, she can reach out whenever, but I longer reach out to her because she's not the person she was before.

We all change over time, and the people we're around are a big part of that. I've had a lot of changes in views over the years as has my spouse, and the people around us, but it depends on what those views are and how they change people that is a big part of if relationships go on.

I miss a time when we were allowed to debate.

I miss discussing differing opinions as a dialogue of ideas rather than needing to be a debate and score points against others.