Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

133 replies

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:11

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

OP posts:

GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 10:16

Sorry that must be really hurtful..... if you’re close to your cousin can you ask why?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/05/2021 10:16

You are being massively unreasonable.

Spending a holiday with someone every year or so doesn’t mean you get an invitation to their wedding, no matter what size.

Also, your cousin has probably been bullied into inviting your mum by her parents - ‘you can’t get married without my sister, your auntie there! Whatever will they say?!?’.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:17

the other thing is that she hasn't personally told me this. She told my mum over the phone, asking her to let me know basically.

I thought she might have contacted me herself to tell me about the change of plans. I was really looking forward her big day and being with my family.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 02/05/2021 10:18

Presumably it's Covid rules and they are very limited on who can come?

It's sad but it has to happen. My beloved niece is getting married this summer, there are five of us in my family unit and I am steeling myself for the fact that we might not all get to go and I mustn't show my disappointment.

OnlyInYourDreams · 02/05/2021 10:18

Well, I would probably want to know what the real reason was. After all, you were never actually invited, but now that the wedding is smaller she has been able to come up with a valid reason why not.

But presumably you didn’t clarify the lack of an invite the first time, so it seems obvious you were never actually invited anyway. That would be what I would want to know.

BorderlineHappy · 02/05/2021 10:19

No that's shitty she could have at least told you herself.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:21

My mum is convinced the wedding invite got lost. Her DB (cousin's dad) had given a wrong address of mine to other relatives around that time. When she came to visit later, she was talking about us all being together at the wedding at that time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:24

Of course it might be down to limited numbers. But it still means that at our future celebrations and trips together, of that core family group I will be the only one who didnt go to the wedding.

Regardless of the reason, I only have a few cousins and have considered ourselves fairly close. It hurts.

OP posts:

OnlyInYourDreams · 02/05/2021 10:25

Honestly? I think she probably felt that she had to say that given you were actually together when you had these discussions. Now she doesn’t have to see you before the wedding so it’s been much easier to come up with the “small wedding” excuse.

It is shit behaviour and tbh I think that it suggests that your relationship doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to you.

Usually I’m in the “it’s their wedding” camp, but to exclude just one person is shit.

DancesWithDaffodils · 02/05/2021 10:26

I think not letting you know personally is a bit off, but weddings are likely to still be limited to 30 guests at that time, and as such brides are having to make really tough decisions on guest lists.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/05/2021 10:32

@DifficultBloodyWoman

You are being massively unreasonable.

Spending a holiday with someone every year or so doesn’t mean you get an invitation to their wedding, no matter what size.

Also, your cousin has probably been bullied into inviting your mum by her parents - ‘you can’t get married without my sister, your auntie there! Whatever will they say?!?’.

Actually this is pretty realistic

JackieTheFart · 02/05/2021 10:36

YANBU to be upset. And she should have told you. But if numbers are limited then she’s going to invite those she’s closest to.

If you’re a close family then why would your mum feel like she’s on her own?

viques · 02/05/2021 10:37

@Rae34

If you have all been having holidays together for years then your mum will know plenty of people there. She probably doesn’t want to travel on her own, and current travel arrangements are quite tricky so I don’t blame her, but she shouldn’t try to blackmail an invitation for you because of this.

Milkywaystars · 02/05/2021 10:37

The number cap for weddings ends on the 21st of June so after this date you can have as many as you like.

I'd probably take a bit of a step back from her tbh, be polite but don't waste head space on her. Send her a card but not a gift as your mum will be giving her a gift.

I had a friend do this to me once, she invited all of our friends except me. She came to my wedding etc and we all socialised regularly so I was a bit puzzled but didn't comment. She called me regularly, talked about the wedding & wanted me to take her wedding shopping. I then suggested she asked someone who was invited to the wedding to take her wedding shopping. She blanked me and I haven't heard directly from her in 20 years! I've since heard from mutual friends that she's now divorced and living abroad.

wombatgoeswild · 02/05/2021 10:39

The why doesn't matter, unless it's a mistake.

It's what you do next that's important. Is this a hill to fight on? Or can you let it go enough by the next holiday?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/05/2021 10:41

The number cap for weddings ends on the 21st of June so after this date you can have as many as you like.

Not everywhere is England... And even when it's England, scrapping the limit doesn't mean people must have higher numbers. Some people will be very happy with small weddings still.

Imnotbent · 02/05/2021 10:43

So, for perspective, are all of the other cousins invited? When you say 8 family members go on holiday and the other 7 are invited are they all closer relatives to the bride / groom? Can you see a priority of invites?

It does seem off that she has not mentioned this to you herself, probably as she knows you will be hurt.

Milkywaystars · 02/05/2021 10:43

Your cousin should have called you to say she's having to cap numbers and it's nothing personal. The fact that shes getting your mum to inform you is very immature. Loads of people are capping numbers atm, she needs to deal with it like a grown up.

Honeyroar · 02/05/2021 10:46

I think she hasn’t told you personally as she knew you’d be hurt/sniffy. If your mum is upset you’re not going or worried about going without you she should just decline. Weddings are very different at the moment, please don’t take offence. It won’t be personal

M0rT · 02/05/2021 10:47

I really feel for you especially as you said another cousin and wife are invited.
I was going to say perhaps they have had to draw a line on "types" of guests because he had a very large family or something.
We had a small wedding and were careful that all of any "type" of relation were invited or none.
So all aunts and uncles no cousins for example.
You are not being unreasonable to have hurt feelings, but I don't know what you can do?
Even if pressure was put on her to invite you now, you aren't going to just forget you were initially cut.
You can still maintain a relationship but to be honest I've been there where people show you they think of you differently to how you feel and it's never the same.
Can be fine but a lot of the trust is gone.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 10:48

She should have let you know personally. I expect it is covid rules so I wouldn't be too harsh.

Voomster953 · 02/05/2021 10:51

I’m a bit confused about your mum being convinced the invitation was lost, despite your cousin telling her you weren’t invited.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:53

Sorry @viques but you are way off the mark. My mum wont know anyone at the wedding apart from her DB & wife (parents of the bride, will be super busy), 1 other cousin and the groom. Cousin's gran (our gran) would have been there but she is housebound now.

OP posts:

Nexttome · 02/05/2021 10:59

Sadly weddings can cause so much hurt over who is or isn’t invited. Sometimes justifiably, sometimes not, but it’s ultimately the couples’ choice which they have to live with.

Maybe she needs to cap numbers really low or perhaps she doesn’t feel such a tight bond with you as you do. It hurts but all you can do is behave with grace, send her a card and wish them well.

I was excluded from two cousins’ weddings years ago - one because my stepmother said not to bother sending me an invite because I would be on holiday the previous week and wouldn’t be able to afford to go (rubbish), and the second because no cousins or extended family were invited as they said they preferred their friends over family. The night before apparently my cousin was in tears because she realised she had no maternal family attending her wedding (I’m the only cousin plus there is two aunts). Her choice of course.

My DAunt got married a few years ago and our invite was for the ceremony only. I heard on the family grapevine that there was a big reception that all other family were invited to except DH and I and our other cousin. I declined as it was a 7-hour round trip away and had no one to babysit either. Aunt has not spoken to me since, she doesn’t understand that an invite is not a summons. I feel hurt as she attended my wedding the year before with her then-boyfriend who she’d only be seeing for less than 6 months and we’d never met but we’re happy to still have at our wedding.

caringcarer · 02/05/2021 11:03

You are clearly upset but try to send your cousin a card and accept she does not want you there. That may be due to Covid numbers if before June 21st. Your Mum will have to decide for herself if she goes or not. Don't put pressure on your Mum either way. When the next holiday comes around you can decide then if you want to go or would rather go somewhere else with friends. When/ if you marry you do not have to invite your cousin if you do not want to.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread