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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

133 replies

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:11

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rae34 · 05/05/2021 10:16

Yeah it wasn't very pleasant for her.

For the people saying, you don't phone everyone and let them know they arent invited - we are now the only 2 family members from this country that come on the trips. We always come together - therefore she should have personally let me know why one was invited to go and the other wasnt.

The fact she didn't do this. And the fact so many people think it would be ok to do this - reminds me that I would rather be a sensitive person than thoughtless about how my actions might affect others.

Yes covid has turned the world upside down and things are different. But I'm more upset about not being personally told than I am about the invite itself. I do feel hurt at being excluded from the invites and that is how it is.

I will be pleasant to my cousin when I see her but I will how think twice about treating her as a confidant and so on as before.

OP posts:
Postern · 05/05/2021 12:07

For the people saying, you don't phone everyone and let them know they arent invited - we are now the only 2 family members from this country that come on the trips. We always come together - therefore she should have personally let me know why one was invited to go and the other wasnt.

But the fact that you (voluntarily) go on holiday every year or two with your cousins from another country with another person doesn't translate into the automatic invitation of both people to a small, Covid-restricted wedding, surely? You were presumably on the original guest list, but Covid has cut numbers. Presumably the bride feels she's done her duty and acknowledged your part of the family by including your mother. I mean, you sound slightly as if you believe you're doing the cousin a favour by going on holidays along with her every so often, rather than because you want to?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 05/05/2021 12:16

For the people saying, you don't phone everyone and let them know they arent invited - we are now the only 2 family members from this country that come on the trips. We always come together - therefore she should have personally let me know why one was invited to go and the other wasnt.

I wouldn’t phone and let someone know that they weren’t invited. That feels like it’s pouring salt in the wound, and putting someone on the spot. It’s obvious whether you’re invited or not by whether you got an invite or not... phoning someone who isn’t just feels mean.

StellaLeonte · 05/05/2021 13:16

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel hurt and your mum isn’t unreasonable for not going. But... I don’t feel your cousin is being unreasonable for inviting who she’s invited either. It could be money, family politics (such as the groom needing spaces too for family etc). Perhaps you and your mum should take her out for afternoon tea beforehand and wish her well as you won’t be there on the day. It’s a nice gesture and not being invited isn’t worth falling out over.

Teabaghag · 05/05/2021 13:36

Sorry op, but I really don't think she owes you an explanation.

You're a cousin she sees once every 1-2 years and who lives in a different country.

Realistically there may be 50 odd other people, who she sees frequently and are part of her every day life, that she cannot invite due to covid restrictions.

She may be your only other cousin, but she herself may have many close friends and others she is close to. I wouldn't consider a non-immediate relative that i rarely see to be high priority in this situation.

My wedding has now been cancelled twice due to covid. It's really fucking stressful, and between having to negotiate moving deposits, trying to figure out who we can realistically invite, and dealing with some financial losses for things we could not move, it wouldn't occur to me to personally phone an individual who I'm not close to to explain the situation.

StellaLeonte · 05/05/2021 20:26

@Teabaghag

Sorry op, but I really don't think she owes you an explanation.

You're a cousin she sees once every 1-2 years and who lives in a different country.

Realistically there may be 50 odd other people, who she sees frequently and are part of her every day life, that she cannot invite due to covid restrictions.

She may be your only other cousin, but she herself may have many close friends and others she is close to. I wouldn't consider a non-immediate relative that i rarely see to be high priority in this situation.

My wedding has now been cancelled twice due to covid. It's really fucking stressful, and between having to negotiate moving deposits, trying to figure out who we can realistically invite, and dealing with some financial losses for things we could not move, it wouldn't occur to me to personally phone an individual who I'm not close to to explain the situation.

Hope you have an amazing wedding when you finally get yourselves married, I feel for you having to keep rearranging everything! X
Newchances · 05/05/2021 21:41

I understand what you mean op and it's not nice. Its a break in the family that unlikely will mend.

I wasn't invited to a cousins wedding before as jt was "only small" realistically he had 3 cousins he could have invited that would have came...he had over 100 guests. My sister and I were going to send a card when we were told there was 25 people. We did not after the photos came up on Facebook. My parents give him £500 ( £70 would have covered the meals so money was not the issue)
He spent Christmas with our family (over his own mother,father) over 5 years in a row and also came on holidays with us. I am polite to him now but have no interest in his life and would not go out of my way to spend time with him. Obviously didn't see us as important as we seen him.

BackforGood · 05/05/2021 21:43

What TakeYourFinalPosition said

But I'm more upset about not being personally told than I am about the invite itself. I do feel hurt at being excluded from the invites and that is how it is.

Well, as you say, that is the way you feel and that is it, BUT you asked if YABU or not, and I think this thread has shown that most people thing YABU.
It is quite weird in my view to contact people to say "I'm having a 'do' but you aren't invited'.

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