to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

[Rae34]

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

Hmmm. My DS lives in the USA and arranged her marriage when I was 8 months pregnant. I couldn't go. But it really didn't cross my mind at the time to get upset (probably because I had other things in my mind at the time!)

She had a UK celebration the following summer that I attended and enjoyed

Could you suggest a gathering with your cousin to celebrate her wedding after the event when you are in the country? A nice meal out or something. She might be feeling awful at not inviting you and not know how to broach the subject. That might help take the emotional pressure off and ensure you protect your future relationship

Oh @Rae34. I am sorry.

Do you think you had an initial invite?

one of my cousins that I care about most doesn't even want me at her wedding.

That makes more sense if you don't think you were ever intended to be inviting - I've sat with people who've had chats with the bride/groom about their wedding, presuming they were invited, while the bride cringed that there wasn't space... It's an awkward time.

If you think you were initially invited, you're quite possibly shooting yourself in the foot by deciding she doesn't want you there. I got married last year, the 30 person limit was HARD, and even when there were rumours that more people would be allowed if it was outside, the venues and our insurance were nervous.

In the end, we had 30 people, all outdoors, and a lot of looser friends and family didn't get to come, including cousins and aunts, and some members of our friendship groups... there just wasn't enough space. It was brutal.

That might not be what's happening here - it could just be that they can't afford more people, or that they've got used to the idea of a smaller day and want to stick to that, or even that they've agreed how much family to have from each side so that it doesn't look wonky... It could be anything. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like you and doesn't want you there. There's a whole host of other reasonable explanations...

If I'm honest, though, I wouldn't push for one, and I wouldn't let your mum attempt to get you in subtly either. She should go, if she wants to. Weddings are about mingling anyway, she'll be okay.

My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more. Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Maybe they sent him an invitation in the hope he’d come to his senses and realise it’s incredibly tough having to limit numbers in this way. As for your sister not forgetting in a hurry, why do I get the feeling she won’t let anyone else forget either?

It's not personal although it may feel like it, it must be a nightmare for couple's getting married trying to arrange a guest list.

I wouldn't even send a card. Excluding one person from a group who regularly go on holiday together is mean.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

why do I get the feeling she won’t let anyone else forget either?

I was probably a bit harsh on my sister, she’s really not that bad

And yes, they were probably hoping he might change his mind (and FWIW I think he should)

YABU - theres a pandemic and while it looks like things may be more normal by this summer, it’s not the first time we’ve all thought that and the rules changed again. It’s sensible to limit numbers now so that they’re not stuck trying to reduce numbers later if the rules do change. This is provided the wedding is after June 21, although this date may be different in Scotland and Wales. If it’s before June 21, they’re limited to 30 people anyway - themselves and 28 guests. And regardless it’s a good idea to be cautious about having gatherings of large groups of people as the virus won’t have disappeared.

Secondly, you live in a different country - will you even be able to travel to the wedding? Also your maths doesn’t add up - if you’re the only one of 8 people not invited, then your mum must know 6 other people there. But in your OP you say she’ll only know 4 people.

Perhaps you’re just not as close as you think you are. And if they’re limited to 28 guests for both the bride and groom’s friends and family, maybe they want to invite people they see more often than every year or two

@VouisLuitton

Something similar has happened to my sister recently. Her partner got an invite in the post to his sisters wedding with a note to my sister saying sorry but there’s no space for you! My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more. Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Sorry that you feel hurt over this it’s rubbish

Oh my god. He's not going to his own sisters wedding because his partner couldn't go?

I'm honestly gobsmacked at his behaviour, that's horrific! And she was ok with it???? Even worse!!!! Shame on her

@VouisLuitton sorry that last post must have came across so harsh! But I honestly just can't believe it! I would be so heartbroken if my brothers did that

@VouisLuitton

My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more.

I can't fathom him making this a hill to die on. He's missing his own sisters wedding because his girlfriend / wife isn't invited? I'm assuming it's not like there are 300 guests and she's not one of them, more that it's an intimate wedding with few guests. It's really weird for him to refuse to go unless his partner is invited.

@GabriellaMontez

That's hurtful. Especially that she didnt tell you herself. A kind explanation that the venue is limited or whatever would have gone a long way.

Of course you're not 'entitled ' to an invite or an explanation. But you may adjust your relationship with her in future. Are the other cousins going?

This.

I think it's incredibly rude not to call you directly.

Basic manners IMO.

These are difficult times, but a bit courtesy goes a long way.

YANBU @Rae34 And why is your mum still going? If you were MY daughter, and she was left out, I would decline the invitation. How rude, leaving you out.

To be honest though, I know you won't want to hear this, but if your mum goes, she is as bad as them.

I thinkin the circumstances it's ok for your mum to say ''I don't feel brave enough to go on my own and mix with strangers so I'm going to wish you all the best, have a lovely day''.

Go somewhere nice in the day with your mum.

I have gone through wedding hell in the past, never again. Never again am I doing something that makes me feel like shit!

@KizzyMoo

Of course your mum should go, she is her aunt. Stop being a pathetic child OP.

Wow. Rude! Is it necessary to be so nasty?

During normal times I'd say it is rude. During pandemic, restricted number times you are just being a fool.

You can't reduce a cousin to somebody you only see once a year. I see most of my cousins far less than that but I have been receiving updates on their lives for my whole life. Their parents have been send me cards on my milestones and my parents have done this for them. No matter where any of us emigrate to or no matter who any of us marries or divorces, we are all still cousins and that means something. We will all always be cousins even after our parents have died. Some have already.

I get that numbers are limited. That part I get. But the part that is stupid is to start counting how often you see a cousin and defining the relationship that way.

@littlepattilou there is no need for nastiness but even when an OP says they are hurt, some posters cant be bothered to express basic empathy.

My mum is leaning towards not going because she is upset I have been left out of it. I dont want to make a thing of it so an excuse @SelkieFly describes would probably be best.

The worst part overall is the fact my cousin hasn't contacted me directly. 'Pass on the message' simply isnt sufficient. She wrote to me recently and we talk over facebook - there is no good reason imo

It’s a wedding. It’s one day with someone you see on holiday every year or two. Right now most people want small numbers for their weddings (either due to restrictions in place or so they don’t have to make changes if more restrictions come in) so just send her a card congratulations and don’t let it ruin your relationship.

I can understand your mum being hesitant about going and I think many wouldn’t spend the money to go abroad if they didn’t really know anyone. Perhaps your cousin is expecting her to decline on that basis. Whilst I think your cousin should have told you herself, I don’t think she has BU otherwise.

It's a very difficult thing to have to digest @Rae34
Posters who say ''it's not about you! it's about your cousin'' think they're being so mature but actually, you're having to process your own shock and your own feelings. Do some posters think that we should all sail forth through difficult situations, never feeling anything?
so you feel hurt, well of course you do. You were excluded, and that is hurtful. Sometimes feeling hurt is the very logical consequence to an action (or inaction) that was hurtful.

I think it's shocking that your friend doesn't want to talk to you about this directly. She knows it's hurtful. But the onus will be on you to pretend it's not!?!!? I'd behave really calmly and send her a lovely card but I think it's ok to say in a whatsapp ''i'm so hurt not to have been included. I honestly thought we were much closer than we are''.

It's ok to own your own feels. You're hurt. You don't have to pretend not to be hurt. Acknowledge it honestly and then act like you've moved on from then on. Head held high.

I've experienced being excluded a few times so I'm not a robot! I'm not going to say ''grow up''. I think it gets easier as you get older.

Ps, I think weddings can bring out a very shallow side in people.

A good friend of mine (damage was done but it has been repaired over the last two decades) didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was her good friend. Her true friend. She had lived abroad and before the internet, I made the effort to stay in touch with handwritten letters! And she told me how much she valued that. Then, when she was picking bridesmaids, she picked bridesmaids who ''went together'' so that she had a nice line up of bridesmaids who were all a similar height and hair colour. And me being a different height and hair colouring would have jarred with her aesthetic.

I was like................. oh. my. God when I realised this. Or suspected it. My friend, the bride in this story later asked me and another friend to be god parents a few years later and she told me that I was the one who remembered her child's birthday. The other child with the other godparent (with the right hair!) was forgotten year after year. My friend told me that she valued the fact that I remembered. But I wasn't publicly valued iyswim.

She is not this shallow in her every day life but her wedding made her temporarily shallow.

So who have they asked to ‘pass on the message’ if your mum thinks your invite is lost in the post? You need to ask your cousin directly as there seams to be confusion. However at the end of the day it’s completely up the them who they invite.

It will cause a family rift - as weddings frequently do. I'd not say anything to you rumour about her going or not. That needs to be her decision not influenced by you. That said I wouldn't be making offers such as travelling with her anyway to ensure she goes.

A December now June wedding suggests that the wedding is not in the UK so difficult to understand the covid impacts. But given you didn't recoeve the original invite I'd guess you weren't on the original list and this just makes things easier.

Sadly I think you have had your last family holiday as anything going forward would be too awkward. Shame the brides father is not that bothered about his sister to realise this is a problem. But it is the bride/grooms choice so up to them.

Rumour = mother !!!

YANBU.
She sounds tactless and unkind not to discuss this with you.