to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

[Rae34]

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

@Rae34

Sorry *@viques* but you are way off the mark. My mum wont know anyone at the wedding apart from her DB & wife (parents of the bride, will be super busy), 1 other cousin and the groom. Cousin's gran (our gran) would have been there but she is housebound now.

of the family members who usually go on the trips (8 roughly)I will be the only one excluded

Op @Rae34 you’re only looking at it from your point of view.

I’m the only one left out
I was looking forward to seeing my family

You’re right it’s not a nice feeling being left out but it’s not about you, it’s your cousins wedding.

Hmm. I wouldn't feel entitled to an invite from someone I only see every 1-2 years.

Presumably they're limited to 30 people, and probably have lots of other people they're close to and have more of a real life relationship with?

Is the other cousin that you keep mentioning the brides sibling , if so it’s fairly obvious why they would still be invited irrespective of numbers . If your mum doesn’t want to go then she can decline and if you want to treat it as a personal snub then stop going on the family holidays .

I see people are tying themselves in such knots to justify this that they're literally half way up their own arses, because MN roolz are that you're NEVER allowed to be anything other than completely cool about not being invited to things. Up to them. Totally uncool to care.

Bollocks. It's shitty, and she knows it's shitty as she hasn't even got the guts to contact you herself and explain why. That's because there isn't a reason why except 'You're the one who is a. least important to me or b. the one who's least likely to have a complete strop and make it awkward for me'

If I was your mum I wouldn't go.

If I were you I would message her, politely, and ask if there's a reason you're the only one not invited out of the group. 'I would hate to think I've done something to offend you, but as you haven't contacted me directly about it, I'm concerned that I might have.'

You've nothing to lose. Honestly I'd put my money on you being (in her eyes) the biggest pushover.

Regardless of the reason, weddings arent just one day and that's it, are they? I'm expecting to be in the in the family 's company and the only person of that group who cant relate to the stories of the day.

It has hammered home to me that of the small family I do have, one of my cousins that I care about most doesn't even want me at her wedding. I won't get a lot of these opportunities in the family and as part of a celebration together.

I wont put pressure on my mum, it is her decision. I will send a card but no gift. It stings but I cant do anything else.

@Rae34

Sorry *@viques* but you are way off the mark. My mum wont know anyone at the wedding apart from her DB & wife (parents of the bride, will be super busy), 1 other cousin and the groom. Cousin's gran (our gran) would have been there but she is housebound now.

I don’t understand why she needs to know any more people than that. If you all go on holiday together - presumably at least for a few days or a week at a time - why is she incapable of enjoying one day with the same group of people without you? You keep saying the parents of the bride will be ‘super-busy’, but they’re highly unlikely to ignore her all day. She can sit with your cousin.

I understand why you’re upset, but it’s the reality of limited numbers, I’m afraid.

Regardless of the reason, weddings arent just one day and that's it, are they? I'm expecting to be in the in the family 's company and the only person of that group who cant relate to the stories of the day.

My dad had to miss my cousin’s wedding because of a business trip. It hasn’t ruined his ability to join a family conversation over the last 25 years. We don’t all sit in awe and wax lyrical on the glorious wedding for hours on end.

We were recently invited to a family do, only because it was obvious I'd seen it organised on social media. For various reasons, we went even tho we felt it was a bit uncomfortable. So I get how you feel, this can't be undone. Its definitely changed my views about my extended family.

So OP are you upset the your other cousin was invited?
The numbers don't match. You say 8 people in family trip but NOBODY ELSE that your mum (who was supposedly on these trips) knows, apart from ONE other cousin?

Have you met her partner?

I would be disappointed not to be invited but I wouldn't be put out. You can’t invite everyone to a wedding and it might just be that they have lots of friends who they are closer with. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you.

It sounds like your Mum would be fine at the wedding. She knows enough people. Saying that she doesn’t sounds a bit like you are both looking for problems.

@Rae34

Sorry *@viques* but you are way off the mark. My mum wont know anyone at the wedding apart from her DB & wife (parents of the bride, will be super busy), 1 other cousin and the groom. Cousin's gran (our gran) would have been there but she is housebound now.

So other cousins aren’t invited?

YABU, lots of people have had to make hard decisions about things like weddings due to covid and invite fewer people than they had originally planned for. Is the other cousin the bride’s cousin or sibling?

I don’t really understand the angst about who your mum will know. If there is a group of 8 of you who go on holiday and you’re the only one not invited your Mum will at least know the other 6 people? And it sounds like it’s only a small wedding so not like there will be hundreds of guests.

I think it’s okay to be a little sad you won’t be able to agate your cousins special day but you really seem to be overthinking this and taking it personally. Certainly I think it’s ridiculous to think that this will sully all future holidays because there is a single event you haven’t been to that the others have and that you will therefore very excluded from the conversation. It’s a single day they’re hardly likely to get years worth of conversation from it!

No of course you're not unreasonable for feeling hurt but what can you do? Her wedding, her choice...People behave in ways we don't expect. Try not to make too big a thing of it, or it'll blow up in your face.

She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife

Curious-Is the other cousin the brides sibling so that’s why they have been invited? There are people at the wedding that your mum knows, she will be fine.

I imagine the bride has had to knock a few people off the guest list and must be pretty upset herself that she isn’t getting the wedding she planned. I understand why you are upset not to attend but to say you are “excluded” is a bit ott.

Regardless of the reason, weddings arent just one day and that's it, are they? I'm expecting to be in the in the family 's company and the only person of that group who cant relate to the stories of the day.

Other than when we got the photos back and showed them to people (including people who hadn't been there) I can't think of a single occasion when there has been any chat at all about my wedding. People really won't be talking about this for years, and even if they do, has the whole family been to every single event that any of them has been at? Of course they haven't.

I do get that you are upset, but unfortunately with small weddings, someone has to be left out. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

If you are as close to your cousin as you say you are, you should be able to ring her up and chat about this. If you're not close, then it's a non-issue. For what it's worth I don't think going on a whole family trip every year and writing occasionally makes you particularly close.

OP I don’t think YABU, I think it’s pretty unkind to invite all but one of a core family group. I like your latest update, just let your mum make her own mind up and send a card, but not a gift.
And anytime it’s discussed in future I seriously would just get up and pretend I need the loo or something similar. Don’t stay and be part of conversations that discuss something you were excluded from.

@Rae34

My mum is convinced the wedding invite got lost. Her DB (cousin's dad) had given a wrong address of mine to other relatives around that time. When she came to visit later, she was talking about us all being together at the wedding at that time.

Why is your mum convinced the invite has got lost, when you also say she has been told by the bride that you are not invited ?

YANBU though, your cousin sounds very underhand to not have the backbone to tell you herself, and to tell your mum to!

Sorry OP, but I think you are being very unreasonable here.

It's fine to be hurt, and upset. But ultimately it is NOT your day. It is also not your mums day. So it doesn't matter in the slightest who she knows there. If she doesn't want to go because she feels she won't know people, that's fine, but that's her choice. It is not up to the bride and groom to ensure the guest list meets anyone's standards other than their own.

We are in a pandemic. Difficult choices need to be made. Personally, I think you are looking at this from an extremely selfish POV. You haven't mentioned how horrible it must have been for your cousin to postpone, or rearrange everything, or cut their guest list. Every decision will have been extremely difficult to them, all while adapting to ever changing rules. Have you supported her through this past year or so? If not, then sorry but there are more deserving people who should be on that guest list. And I imagine that's what's happened here.

I would rise above. If you care for your cousin in the way you say you do, but you can't see past your own annoyance to her a wedding gift on what's supposed to be the happiest day of her life, then that says a lot to me about the relationship you had, and she's made the right choice.

Op, I don't think YABU at all. It's awful to be missed out, deliberately or not.

I think in 2021 people use weddings as an excuse for a party and one up a ship. Most couples are living together or are sleeping together, so why all the drama of a wedding? If you just want to get married, go to the register office, do the legal bit, go home.
If your culture demands it - a huge wedding - wait until Covid restrictions are over. They've waited this long, a couple of months won't matter.

I understand why you might be upset, but it sounds like she's not inviting cousins, and you do only see her every year or two.

You might say you don't have many cousins, but she might have more on the other side, and the groom might have many more. So it might not be a case of squeezing one more.
If Dh had invited his only cousin on one side, it would have meant 3 others (2 with long term partners) on the other side, and I had 5 on one side, and 3 on the other (all of whom had families), so rather than one person it could have been around 20 more.

And I don't think your dm is doing too badly for knowing people. As an aunty, you wouldn't expect to know that many, as you'll only know one side of one family, and I've certainly been to weddings where I know almost no one outside the bride and groom.

I do understand why you might feel sad, but it's not you have been deliberately excluded. Try and see it that way.

I'm expecting to be in the in the family 's company and the only person of that group who cant relate to the stories of the day.

So? It honestly astonishes me what people can get upset about. So you can't relate to a few wedding stories if they come up when you see each other every other year. You live in different countries. You hardly see each other. You never got an invite in the first place to be uninvited. And I also don't understand why your mum doesn't know at least 7 people at the wedding if you're the only one of 8 who isn't going to be there. Regardless, even by the ones you list, she knows enough people to socialise with there and can manage to meet new people presumably. Sorry to sound harsh, and of course if you're hurt you're hurt, but in terms of perspective, it shouldn't be a revelation that you're not high on the list when it comes to a small wedding and it's not a snub-like exclusion, just a numbers thing and really not that big a deal long-term. Be happy for her and make your own memories on your next holiday together.

A lot of people are having to make very difficult choices with limited numbers.

DH isn’t going to his cousin’s wedding either and there’s four of them who’ve been a very tight group for many years, however the bride also has cousins she’s very close with and they simply can’t accommodate them all in the restrictions.

So they’ve had to go down the road of inviting none of the cousins as starting to pick one or two and not others would be even more offensive than all not being invited.

These aren’t normal times so it would be very petty to take the huff at it.

You have said it might be down to limited numbers & that it is a small wedding but do you know any of the challenges the bride may have had whittling down her list? Is the cousin who is invited a sibling of the bride? If not, is she a much closer cousin to her than you? The bride's choices may have been that were she to incl you that she would have to exclude, for example, your Mother or someone very central to the groom's party. Or maybe she thinks because you'd have to travel that it breaches restrictions dep on where you are living & where wedding is being held (it does in many countries still). . I see why you are hurt but these are strange times & I'm sure if she could have had a 100 guests you would be in there but they have to incl immediate family on both sides, the wedding party such as bridesmaid/bestman etc...it leaves very little by way of numbers left. Where rules strictly imposed when you were allowed 30 people at Reception, it included servers/wait staff...so really was 28 guests only. As before, I understand you are upset but can't you let it be about the bride & her day & accept that for whatever reason she was unable to invite you. If you must know why or feel it is due to some harboured resentment or dislike then just ask her. Mind you, were it me & I was being confronted by a cross cousin when I'd likely been anxious having to eliminate from my list, then I'd be quite upset. I wouldn't appreciate the drama either. I was the only cousin from my entire family left off main list (in non covid times) but incl in the evening do (so dancing only). My Mum was like a second grandmother to bride, my older sister who is like a sister to bride's mother (v v close as cousins), my brother is her Godfather, & my youngest sister designed & made the bride's dress. They were all asked plus their partners/spouses. I didn't make a fuss or even say a word, I booked the hotel room, travelled hours to get there ahead to help my own elderly parent get ready, killed time (in a very nice hotel room) when they were all at ceremony...went off into city when they were back for the wedding meal & I got myself a pub dinner (preferable to sitting in the wedding hotel bar but not included/invited in the reception room next door), came back, got gussied up & turned up to party at 8pm as invited. I understand the closer connections to bride with other family members. I know her well, we do spend time together with family & get on great, no issues at all. So yes, it felt odd to be the only one of my immediate family to be left out but I accept she & I are not as close as others. Had it been covid times, I would have been excluded entirely. You just have to accept their wedding, their rules. If your Mum really does not want to go, she could say she has chosen to stay home with your grandmother who may feel lonely she can't go due to her health. My family would not have refused an invitation out of protest, nor would I expect any of them to, as it wouldn't be considered in good taste or classy to be offended that bride cannot choose how she wants her own day to go & who she chooses to invite without pressure or interference from extended family. She likely had enough on both immediate sides to deal with. It's not worth the drama...if you are included now it'll only be because you made a fuss. Let it go, wish her well, stay classy. But you can duck out of future hols if you feel that upset about it...

I would back right off from her. Its true she can invite who she likes but of course it impacts relationships. She is telling you your relationship with her is not that important