to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

[Rae34]

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

I thinkin the circumstances it's ok for your mum to say ''I don't feel brave enough to go on my own and mix with strangers so I'm going to wish you all the best, have a lovely day''.

Don't be ridiculous.
She is invited to her niece's wedding. So she will know the B&G and her sibling and spouse, and presumably this other cousin that is allegedly invited, even before we get into the maths of these 8 people who go on holiday of whom the OP is supposedly the only one not invited.
Even in times where numbers aren't restricted, it isn't unusual to invite Aunts and Uncles but not cousins where numbers dictate.

The fact you are abroad is likely to mean you won't be able to travel into the UK anyway - plus you'd have a fortnight of quarantine in a hotel at your own expense. That is if you are allowed to travel.
Just accept it is one of those things that is part of the whole global pandemic and wish them well.

I can understand why you would be upset not to be invited, nobody likes not being invited to something. But I do think you need to try and be more understanding, numbers are limited and they cannot fit you in, it is nothing personal, other than the fact that there are a small number of closer relatives.

I am perplexed that on the one hand you keep talking about being the only person out of a “core” family group that is not invited but on the other hand, your mother who is invited, is worried about not knowing anybody, even her brother, who she presumably has known longer than you!

And nobody talks about weddings afterwards. I have literally never discussed a wedding after the fact and do not recall ever discussing mine with anyone, I don’t even think DH and I have had need to discuss our wedding day!

If you live in different countries there’s a fair chance you wouldn’t be able to attend anyway, so she’d potentially push out someone else’s invite for you, knowing that you probably couldn’t come anyway and then she’d end up with just 29 people for no logical reason. Seems very unlikely that you were invited anyway, if she’d sent it to the wrong address she’d have realised this when you updated her with your existing address which she clearly now has as she’s written to you recently.

Sounds like it’s possible that your mum finally asked her about your invite, and your cousin answered her question that way rather than your cousin ‘uninviting’ you and deciding not to tell you personally.

I’d be hurt by it too though, it’s rubbish being left out. Your mum should probably ask if anyone else will be there that she knows and then make the decision based on that.

@Aprilx OP hasn’t answered the question about who the core family group is despite being asked by multiple posters .
I suspect there’s more than she’s lettting on.
As it appears nobody else of her status (daughter of an aunt) has been invited apart from one other cousin (out of how many..?)
If nobody else was it’s reasonable to assume that cousin asking to pass on message was enough as nobody else with a similar relationship was invited

@SelkieFly

You sound like a nice person but that woman is not your friend.

She didn't care about you with your wedding and she isn't thinking of you with her child.
She thought of herself with the wedding and her child when it came to grandparents.

You are someone to be used.

You deserve better.
Think about your self respect and self esteem in the context of her behaviour.

Ah. So this is going to be one of those threads about why op isn't wrong.

And ignoring all pp reasons about why 😄

Nobody is being unreasonable here. OP you are completely right to feel upset, very understandable.

Your cousin is in a difficult position as well, can't be easy for her.

As for you mother, if I was her I wouldn't go, but purely because it won't be at all fun or pleasant.

@littlepattilou

YANBU *@Rae34* And why is your mum still going? If you were MY daughter, and she was left out, I would decline the invitation. How rude, leaving you out.

To be honest though, I know you won't want to hear this, but if your mum goes, she is as bad as them.

That’s ridiculous. If the mother’s disappointed her daughter isn’t invited, that’s fine - but you don’t use your niece’s wedding to make a point.

@Milkywaystars.

Thank you for your response to my post. There really wasn't anything sinister going on ! She certainly doesn't 'use' us. She is a genuinely lovely person but to put it in perspective - DH and her are just 2 of over 100 first cousins. If they had invited us it would have opened the floodgates for many other first cousins to feel hurt or excluded. To avoid family politics of that sort they didn't invite any cousins only their siblings, parents, his adult D.C. and a couple of very close lifelong friends. So yes, I was a little hurt not to be there because we are good friends above and beyond DH and her being cousins but I completely understood their decision. It didn't spoil our friendship. We are still close and sharing holidays and holiday homes 25 years on.

Imagine causing such a drama like "I am not going because x isn't invited" when there are limited numbers and x is essentially a facebook friend who the bride spends holidays with every year or 2...

There will be number of people with much deeper relationship and number of them will not get into the wedding either due to limited numbers.

Weddings would be so much eaiser if people stop being so self important and think they they are the ones with the most meaningful relationship with b&g🙄

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Regardless of the reason, weddings arent just one day and that's it, are they? I'm expecting to be in the in the family 's company and the only person of that group who cant relate to the stories of the day.

My dad had to miss my cousin’s wedding because of a business trip. It hasn’t ruined his ability to join a family conversation over the last 25 years. We don’t all sit in awe and wax lyrical on the glorious wedding for hours on end.

This. Weddings are just one day, and some generally-ignored photos. You aren’t going to be sitting, silent and excluded, on the edge of family groups forever, as everyone discusses the flowers and the father of the bride calling the groom by her old boyfriend’s name.

@ChunkyBird

Ah. So this is going to be one of those threads about why op isn't wrong.

And ignoring all pp reasons about why 😄

Or a thread where people understand why OP is upset she didn't even warrant a phone call from her cousin and told her mum to pass the message on.

If the cousin herself called to explain about numbers then I think there would have been no thread.

Sorry op I think YABU and I say this as someone who has just had to make some difficult decisions for my own wedding in August. Yes it might be past this magical date of 21st June but what people don't seem to realise is that a lot of wedding numbers and plans are done 12 weeks before (so already done) and what if the numbers don't change? You are then left trying to sort our last minute or pay for guests you can't have! I'll agree she should have told you in person I know I have, but to not understand that this year that not everyone can go to weddings is a bit harsh in my view. You are hurt but you don't know how your cousin feels either.

Op, just bloody ask her if you’re invited!!! What’s so difficult? Why does your mum think your invite is lost in the post.

Bride should have told you herself if you're not invited. It's cowardly not to.

Where the wedding is happening, is there going to be the cap on guest numbers still by their wedding date, or not? You said it's end of June, so depending on location, the restrictions could be lifted by then. If so then I think you should have been invited, given the regular holidays you take together. If there are still restrictions, then I can see why you might be excluded BUT at the very least she should have had the decency to tell you.

Bride should have told you herself if you're not invited. It's cowardly not to.

Hardly customary to start contacting all the people you are not inviting to any sort of an occasion, to rub it in that you are having a (on this occasion) wedding then they aren't invited

Can you imagine the threads on MN

@BackforGood

Bride should have told you herself if you're not invited. It's cowardly not to.

Hardly customary to start contacting all the people you are not inviting to any sort of an occasion, to rub it in that you are having a (on this occasion) wedding then they aren't invited

Can you imagine the threads on MN

😂 "Sorry you are not going to be there" cards may be the future

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Not like Hallmark to miss inventing something cards need to be sent for

I need to trademarks this👀

@BackforGood

Bride should have told you herself if you're not invited. It's cowardly not to.

Hardly customary to start contacting all the people you are not inviting to any sort of an occasion, to rub it in that you are having a (on this occasion) wedding then they aren't invited

Can you imagine the threads on MN

But if you’re asking someone to tell the OP she’s not invited then it’s better to call OP yourself.

I don't understand all the confusion with the eight holidayers, it does add up!
Bride and groom
Bride's mum and dad (OPs aunt and uncle)
OP and OP's mum
Other cousin and either other cousin's partner (who OP's mum knows) or the now housebound gran.
That's 8!
Regardless that's six people at the wedding that OP's mum knows.
Anyway, I understand why you're hurt

This is always a difficult one. When you invite people to weddings, at some point a line has to be drawn - and it's very hard to do this without leaving some people on the outside of the line who are close to people on the inside, and are wondering why they are left out. When we got married, one couple we left out were quite miffed - a lot of their friends had been invited and they felt left out. But we eventually made up, and they invited us to their own wedding a few years later with no hard feelings.

I guess I'm trying to say that being left out doesn't mean they actively want to exclude you, or that they somehow don't think you're worth the time of day. Try not to let it spoil the relationship you have with them over this if possible, it's only one day out of many.

Bizarre idea to call people to tell them they’re not invited

Actually I do remember this happening to me years ago. An old flatmate came round to tell me personally that I was not invited to her wedding due to numbers. I was utterly taken aback as I had no notion whatsoever of being invited. She was saying, “I’m really sorry, as I’m sure you were really hoping to come” which then made me a bit cross - who did she think she was?! As usual I didn’t have a smart comeback so she was probably thinking I was crying with misery when in fact I couldn’t care less!

It seems like you barely see your cousin - have each other on SM, occasionally write but only actually see each other every 2 years. Do you speak on the phone?

@IrmaFayLear

Bizarre idea to call people to tell them they’re not invited

Actually I do remember this happening to me years ago. An old flatmate came round to tell me personally that I was not invited to her wedding due to numbers. I was utterly taken aback as I had no notion whatsoever of being invited. She was saying, “I’m really sorry, as I’m sure you were really hoping to come” which then made me a bit cross - who did she think she was?! As usual I didn’t have a smart comeback so she was probably thinking I was crying with misery when in fact I couldn’t care less!

Even more bizarre to tell the mum of the person not invited to tell the person not invited - that is just cowardly and rather horrible to the mum