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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt I'm being excluded from the wedding?

133 replies

Rae34 · 02/05/2021 10:11

my cousin is marrying her partner at the end of June (6 month delay from original date). First off, we live in different countries but spend holidays together every year or 2 (this part of the family here & their part of the family where they are). We keep in touch online and write to each other every so often.

When the first wedding invites went out pre-covid, I never received mine. I put this down to the fact I'd changed address a couple of times lately. I also have a good relationship with my cousin and we are a small family with only a few cousins each. She came to visit and we excitedly talked about the wedding plans etc

Anyway my cousin has now invited my mother but said I am no longer invited due to the fact it's a small wedding. It means that of the family members who usually go on the family trips (8 roughly) I will be the only one that has been excluded.

My mum is a bit upset about it - we would have went together and been company for each other. She wont know anyone at the wedding apart from my other cousin & partner and her DB & wife who will be busy no doubt. So now she hasnt decided whether to go without me & is wondering who else is on the invited list. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lineofconcepcion · 02/05/2021 12:59

The problem is it rewrites how you feel about that family member and causes you to reconsider and evaluate what you thought was a good relationship . . . the conclusion might not be good for the future relationship.

AgentJohnson · 02/05/2021 13:02

I don’t think you are as close as you make out, not because you weren’t invited but because you’re both not really thinking about the other. She should have personally disinvited you and you could be less ‘but what about me’. Getting married during a pandemic can’t be much fun, without friends and family making it all about them.

BeeDavis · 02/05/2021 13:03

Having to have small, condensed weddings because of Covid is made harder by family members like you feeling hard done by for not being invited! Honestly it’s harder for the couple getting married to decide who comes and who doesn’t! Please don’t make her feel any worse for not inviting you, it’s just how it is.

Gothichouse40 · 02/05/2021 13:07

I never understand people who 'expect' invitations to weddings. Weddings are expensive whether pre Covid times or not. If I am invited to anything I consider it a nice gesture. I am entitled to nothing.

VouisLuitton · 02/05/2021 13:23

Something similar has happened to my sister recently. Her partner got an invite in the post to his sisters wedding with a note to my sister saying sorry but there’s no space for you!
My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more.
Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Sorry that you feel hurt over this Flowers it’s rubbish Sad

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2021 13:25

That's hurtful. Especially that she didnt tell you herself. A kind explanation that the venue is limited or whatever would have gone a long way.

Of course you're not 'entitled ' to an invite or an explanation. But you may adjust your relationship with her in future. Are the other cousins going?

Pinkdelight3 · 02/05/2021 13:32

Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Wow, if I was your sister, I'd have encouraged my DP to go to his sister's wedding, not had a strop and nursed it as a grudge for the future. What is it about weddings that sends people crazy. Can couples not go to things separately for one day?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/05/2021 13:35

Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings
I highly doubt it would be no hard feelings on the other side of the invite😳
Hard to judge obviously, but I would not miss my sibling's wedding unless the lack of invite was done to hurt us intentionally

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 13:36

@VouisLuitton

Something similar has happened to my sister recently. Her partner got an invite in the post to his sisters wedding with a note to my sister saying sorry but there’s no space for you! My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more. Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Sorry that you feel hurt over this Flowers it’s rubbish Sad

Was this because of Covid? If so I think your dbil is being unreasonable. My dd was restricted to 15 and my ddil actually said she was happy to give her place up if it made it easier for dd. It turned out that ds couldn’t go either because of his local lockdown. It was sad that my dd only had 3 family members at her wedding but we ensured that no extra pressure was put on her at an already stressful time.
IrmaFayLear · 02/05/2021 13:38

The OP I think mentioned that the bride didn’t know her address. Can’t be that close if you don’t know where someone lives Confused

beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 13:39

Take a big step. Swerve the next holiday. You are clearly not as close as you thought you were. The fact she didn't call or contact directly is very weak and poor.

I would throw myself into organising a summer family get together instead, if you want to see your family you don't need to wait until the weddings/funerals. Just organise a BBQ and invite them, don't bother inviting her. It works two ways.

poppycat10 · 02/05/2021 13:40

If you can't go to a wedding because of covid it's unreasonable to get offended about it. 15 or 30 people is not very many and it stands to reason that cousins and/or partners of siblings may have to step aside to allow closer relatives to attend. The OP's mum is a closer relative to her cousin than she is.

If my husband were invited to a family wedding and I wasn't, I wouldn't be offended. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding without him in case I didn't know anyone other than the friend, but if it's a family wedding there will be people to talk to, especially if it's a small group.

AliceMcK · 02/05/2021 13:43

Keeping numbers limited is understandable in the current climate, they have to take into consideration her future DHs family too. But not to tell you in person and explain their reasoning around who they can and can’t invite is shit of them.

Eddielzzard · 02/05/2021 13:52

So mean. Don't people who do this sort of thing realise that it damages relationships for life? It's a deep hurt.

VouisLuitton · 02/05/2021 14:03

@Pinkdelight3
@SchrodingersImmigrant

Yes I agree. Personally I would’ve encouraged my OH to go but we are all different I suppose Smile
You’re absolutely right - weddings can make us go crazy. Looking back I’m sure there would’ve been people offended at not being invited to ours all those years ago and COVID is just making these decisions so much more difficult for people.

BlackCatShadow · 02/05/2021 14:15

I wouldn't be offended. These are difficult times and I'm sure it was a hard decision to make. Don't be the arse who makes their wedding all about you. Be the bigger person and send them a nice card and present.

Also, I'm sure your mum will be absolutely fine. Even if she doesn't know many people, I'm sure the other guests will make her feel welcome.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/05/2021 14:16

weddings can make us go crazy

Only people going crazy around wedding should be bride and groom😂

VouisLuitton · 02/05/2021 14:19

@SchrodingersImmigrant
Agreed Grin

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 14:20

@VouisLuitton

Something similar has happened to my sister recently. Her partner got an invite in the post to his sisters wedding with a note to my sister saying sorry but there’s no space for you! My sisters partner had already made it clear that he didn’t want an invite if he couldn’t take his OH but they sent it anyway which made it hurt my sister more. Her partner has declined the invite but with no hard feelings although I’m not sure it’s something my sister will forget in a hurry....

Sorry that you feel hurt over this Flowers it’s rubbish Sad

That’s just crazy. Weddings are so limited right now it makes sense to invite parents and siblings in so many cases.
Confusedandshaken · 02/05/2021 14:21

We had a similar issue when DHs cousin got married a few years ago. We are very, very close to her. I am friends with her and her husband independently of DH and I have holidayed with her and with them as a couple with and without my DH. . The two of them often stay with us at our holiday home. . She is also godmother to our oldest child. She was limited on wedding numbers and we didn't make the cut. I was very, very sad and a little hurt but kept it to myself. I still made them a beautiful wedding gift, we sent a card and enjoyed all the photos.

As other people have said, it's their day, it's not about you and your mum. Chin up and be happy for them.

AlfonsoTheTerrible · 02/05/2021 14:22

My sympathies, OP. Not being invited to a family wedding hurts. I understand that it's not always possible to invite everyone but it still hurts not to be included.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 14:24

One of my cousins has never forgiven me for not inviting her partner to my wedding reception.

My MIL is one of 15. My late FIL was one of 9. DH has a lot of cousins. And is close to loads of them as they grew up in a small place. Three of them are his closest friends.

We basically said “look it’s not ideal, but there’s simply no space for cousins and their partners (and definitely not cousins kids). We’ll totally understand if you don’t want to come, but if any cousins do want to come it would be lovely”. Apparently that’s more insulting that not being invited at all 🙄

BackforGood · 02/05/2021 14:36

OP you are confusing us by saying that your Mum won't know anyone except the Bride's parents (her DB and dSil) whilst also saying "you are the only one of 8 who holiday together not invited".

I'm confused by the maths.

However, YABU to expect an invitation for a small wedding when you aren't really that close.
"Being a cousin" means completely different levels of closeness.
I have 2 cousins that I would expect an invitation from if they got married, and 3 that I wouldn't. Doesn't mean I don't see them occasionally at other family occasions and get on well, just that I wouldn't be one of the people closest to the couple (and remember it is people from both halves of the couple), if they were having a smallish 'do'.

Also, 'Not being invited to ' isn't the same as 'Being excluded from'.

LagunaBubbles · 02/05/2021 14:55

I can understand why you are hurt.

Milkywaystars · 02/05/2021 15:04

@Confusedandshaken

We had a similar issue when DHs cousin got married a few years ago. We are very, very close to her. I am friends with her and her husband independently of DH and I have holidayed with her and with them as a couple with and without my DH. . The two of them often stay with us at our holiday home. . She is also godmother to our oldest child. She was limited on wedding numbers and we didn't make the cut. I was very, very sad and a little hurt but kept it to myself. I still made them a beautiful wedding gift, we sent a card and enjoyed all the photos.

As other people have said, it's their day, it's not about you and your mum. Chin up and be happy for them.

I think you were used by your dh's cousin, that is awful. She was happy to stay at your holiday home but not regard you close enough to invite you to her wedding. It seems that there is a relationship between the two families here. Very odd that she didn't invite you to her wedding, how close do you need to be?